Y2 D108

Theory, Etro, Ted Baker, Robert Graham, Caravalli, Taryn Rose, 7 For All Mankind,  Seven Diamonds, Ralph Lauren Purple Label, Prada, Varvatos, Zegna, Coach, Tumi, Baum & Mercier, Marc Jobs, McQueen, Lacroix, Giorgio La Perla, Kill City, English Laundry, Hugo Boss… the list goes on.

Point? I was doing laundry last night and stepped back and took stock of my wardrobe. I may be on my way to destitute, I might be on my way to being homeless, I may be completely losing my mind, but I will be the best dressed psycho bum ever. I may not have a pot to piss in right now, but I will be dammed if I don't keep up appearances. I can still walk into any boardroom, any restaurant, any hotel, and look like I belong.  I can still fit in. I will fit in.

I also bring this up because LO had her first on air broadcast this week. I watched a downloaded version and was impressed. Not only was she the best one on the show, but she held herself years beyond her age. She carried herself with such an air of "I am better than all these children" that made me proud. Only downside? She wasn't wearing the Mizuki necklace I bought. I told her this. I told her how well she did on-air but that I was disappointed in her for not wearing the necklace and for not having a decent manicure. She apologized and promised to do both for this week's broadcast. She understands. She knows what it means to put on the mask. To show the world what the world wants to see. She will be able to tell you about the plane crash with a twinkle in her eye. Her morning routing is almost as fucked up as mine. I long for her shallowness because it takes me back to when I felt strong and capable.  I miss my life. It was so much easier hiding behind a mask back then. I could smile and walk through the crowd giving off the pretension that I didn't have a care in the world. I had the money, the woman, the cars… Money can't buy happiness, but it sure keeps insanity in check.

If I had a stage name it would be Tyler Bateman. I could do Porn Snuff films. Fuck a woman on camera until she was unconscious and then slice her open to watch her bleed out. On Laura Ashley sheets. With a Ralph Lauren duvet, no, blanket because that's what it really is, while sipping Perrier from a Reidel glass off a Ying Yang IKEA table, and watch the cranberry red flow into the material…

Which leads me to another topic…

The other night I was looking up some things to try and figure myself out. According to the Hare Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R), I believe I am a psychopath. Not strong, but mild symptoms at least. Not to be confused with Antisocial Personality Disorder. The PCL-R has two types of categories to determine in a person is a psychopath:

Factor 1: Personality "Aggressive narcissism"

Glibness/superficial charm

Grandiose sense of self-worth

Pathological lying

Cunning/manipulative

Lack of remorse or guilt

Shallow affect

Callous/lack of empathy

Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

Factor 2: Case history "Socially deviant lifestyle".

Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom

Parasitic lifestyle

Poor behavioral control

Promiscuous sexual behavior

Lack of realistic long-term goals

Impulsivity

Irresponsibility

Juvenile delinquency

Early behavior problems

Revocation of conditional release

Out of 18 symptoms, I can identify with 6 Factor 1 and 6 Factor 2. I am glib, put on superficially charming, have an incredible sense of my self-worth, I can be very manipulative, obviously shallow as you can see from the start of this post, empathy is hard as hell for me, I am constantly bored and need stimulation, we all know about my poor behavior control, I am impulsive, and some days irresponsible. Promiscuous? Somewhat. Lack of remorse or guilt? This one is tough for me - Am I guilty about things because I *REALLY* am guilty or because society has taught me to be guilty? Do experience guilt because I don't want other people to see me as a monster? I don't know. I struggle with this. Now I am concerned even more about my mental health. I tried calling a couple of doctors yesterday but none of them are accepting new patients. I called my old doctor to see if he could provide a reference. I haven't heard back from him yet. I will keep trying to find a doctor. One thing that did throw me off was this:

"It has been shown that punishment and behavior modification techniques do not improve the behavior of psychopaths. Psychopathic individuals have been regularly observed to become more cunning and better able to hide their behavior. It has been suggested that traditional therapeutic approaches actually make psychopaths more adept at manipulating others and concealing their behavior. They are generally considered to be not only incurable but also untreatable."

Great, now I am untreatable. Wonderful.