Y2 D106

Endure:

- to undergo (as a hardship) especially without giving in

- to continue in the same state

- to remain firm under suffering or misfortune without yielding

I guess it's all I can do, isn't it? But can I remain in the same state without giving in and letting my mind go completely? A question for another day I guess. Keep pushing me to stay alive. Push me to realize I have to keep going even if I don't want to get out of bed let alone function. My mask of sanity is slipping...

Yesterday I went back and re-read some of my earlier posts from this year because I was so stressed out that I wanted to see if there were any days in the last 100 where I was fucking happy for even a moment. I saw the same themes appearing over and over again. I also saw that I am severely depressed. Not just lightly, but really fucking bad. Lastly there was one post in particular that made me want to get something off my chest.

I recently shared the link to this blog with some new people. I shared it with them in my attempt to hold on to some kind of human contact. I want them to know that I am not just an insane monster. That's when I decided I need to come clean about something. In almost 500 posts, I have never lied in any of them, except one. Oh sure, I have omitted some things here and there - like the nights where I have shoved a couple of grams of blow up my nose, or when I have been so drunk I pissed myself, or some of the things I did at that party back in May... But those are omissions, not lies. There is only one entry where I told a falsehood.

I did it because of you. You know who you are - you were pissed and disgusted with me for the picture I sent you of LO. You felt I was an ass and a poor excuse for a man. I was already feeling disgusted because of the fact that I spent the night with a 23 year old girl. Then you made me feel even smaller. But it's time for the truth. And this is why I didn't call you back last night.

That first night LO and I were together? Yeah, I fucked her. No, we didn't make love, no it wasn't intimate - that first night? Straight up monkey lust fucking. We were both drunk, horny, and lonely for human contact. For four hours. Then again in the morning.

I felt like hell because I had sex with a girl almost 1/2 my age. I tried to play it off like I was some kind of hot shit, but the reality is I felt like a sleaze ball. Which was compounded by you calling me out on it. I needed to lie to make myself feel better. Not anymore. But I will say this, the next times we had sex it was different because we weren't just one night stand material any more. We spent an entire week together. It was wonderful. THAT was intimacy. That was something beyond just fucking. Sure she was still 23, but I was knowing her as a person not a hot piece of ass. In all my posts in the last 100 days, I saw that it was after that one night, that I was free and happy. A fleeting moment for sure, but I was fucking happy if only for a second.

Be disgusted with me. Hate me for lying. Hate me for being a perverted disgusting pig. Revile me for intentionally doing the WRONG thing once again. Shame me for throwing away what could have been; It's your right. But know that I am not the evil bastard you think I am. She was of age. She knew what she was doing after that first night as did I. Don't get me wrong, I am evil. I am by far not a good person. I am a manipulative asshole when I want to be. But not in this case. I gave her what she wanted, and I got what I needed.

Why am I bringing this all up? Because...

H1 is 21. She will be 22 in November...

(I am Jack's complete lack of surprise...)