Y2 D122

I like mornings like this when I wake up at my own pace. No alarms, no strangers in my bed or the other room. No feeling of dread or doom when I wake up. Just a leisurely morning. I earned mornings like this and I will strive to enjoy it. No hangover, no pain, no worrying about who I offended or insulted. Ah the comforts of the mundane and unexciting. Go me.

The saga of my brother continues. First they are going to put a pump in his chest, then they decide his liver isn't strong enough to handle the surgery. Now instead they are sending him home to wait for both a new liver and a new heart. He has to carry around a small fanny pack IV drip with him to keep things flowing. They don't know how long it will take to get new body parts, but he is on the list.

Went to my doctor yesterday. That turned into a bit of an adventure. We were talking and towards the end of my session he asked "you mentioned last week money is tight, is that still true?". I said yes, but I am holding on this week trying to stay focused and positive on just this week. I am not dying like I was last week, but it's still tight and I have to be careful. I thought this was going to lead into a discussion that was positive. No, he brings it up because he has bad news about my insurance. Seems I have unlimited visits after a $3000 deductible. Nice. So here he knows I am in dire straits and now I owe him for two visits - $270. I did tell him that I wish he had called earlier in the week to allow me to cancel the appointment as I don't have $270 to give him. He said something about wanting to do it in person. I said fine, but you could have told me at the start so I could have left and only owed you for a partial. Regardless, the bottom line was that he gets $100 now and the rest when I can. He seemed ok with that. Don't know what else to do about it. He's the one who knew the score and could have said something sooner. Ass monkey.

He did say something else which I have been pondering. He commented that after listening to me and reviewing the forms I filled out, he believes me to be bi-polar. While I don't 100% disagree with this, I also question his ability to make such a solid judgment after only 2 hours of talking to me. Maybe because I had my guard down as it's a confidential place, but still seems pretty bold after a short discussion. PLUS he wanted to discuss medication options. I don't like that. I don't want to be on daily meds. I am wondering if the sudden rash of bi-polar diagnosis is similar to the increase in labeling everyone with autism. Is this more a ploy of the drug companies to get me hooked on some daily pill? But it doesn't matter because I don't have $3000 to cover my deductible anyway. I guess it goes untreated. I have managed to live this long without sticking a pill down my throat every day. I can keep going. I am loathe to treat things with a pill. I would rather remove the cause and not the symptom.

Made cookies last night for my show tonight. I am looking forward to the show but I am nervous because of how my mouth runneth over at the last show. I am going sober tonight, plan to stay sober, and plan to leave alone. I will do my tasks to the best of my ability and come home. It was roughly 4 weeks ago at this same location that I met H1 and look how wonderful that turned out. So tonight, I will be a little aloof because I want to work hard at not screwing up. Until it's time to leave tonight, I don't have much to do. Play some video games, run an errand, clean the house. The way life should be.