Y2 D104

Everybody thinks I am being over-dramatic but the simple truth is that if it wasn't for the kid, I would be dead. By my own hand. Directly or indirectly. Whether by drinking myself to death, overdosing, or just blowing my head off - either way I would be dead.

I feel worthless. I feel useless. I feel like an idiot. Am I so pathetic and desperate for a human connection that I will allow myself to be lied to directly? To be cheated, stolen from, and basically walked on like a doormat? Yes. Which makes me hate myself even more.

I talk big. But when the shit hits the fan, I curl right back up into my fetal position and fall back in to the same old patterns. Why? The million dollar question. I don't ask for much. I really don't. I just want someone who honestly cares for me without feeling the need to use me. I want normalcy. But I don't know what that means. I don't know how to accept. I don't want society's definition of normal. I can't wear khakis and talk about KPIs and paradigm shifts. THAT is bullshit. That is the fake layer on top of things. I may be fucked in the head, but at least I can see through things like that. I see the people who say they are happy with their BMW and 2.5 children and the dinner parties. But behind closed doors they are the same ones who beat their wives, cheat on their spouses, etc etc etc. I may not be all there, but at least I can admit it and don't feel the need to fake it.

But I do fake it in my own way because I need to keep a roof over my head. Because I need to be somewhat stable. I need to be there for the kid. It always comes back to her, doesn't it?

Yes. I was used. Again. Yes, I am hurting right now. I should have known better. Yes, she lied to me. Yes she stole from me. You are all right and I am just a stupid fucking idiot left alone once more. I will die alone. I know this. I am not deserving of human interaction any more. It felt so good for that brief moment though. And that's why I can't do it any more. It hurts more and more each time they walk away. Each time they rip a little bit more of me out. I am so hurt on the inside not because of what she did to me, but because I am so fucking worthless and hopeless that I LET HER. I say I will kill to protect what I believe in. I think I finally figured out what that means. I need to finally just give in and kill off the human parts of me that are left dangling. If I don't feel, then I can't get hurt. If I don't smile, I never have to worry about it turning into a frown. If I don't care...