Y2 D147

Hm, what did I do yesterday... let's see, in the morning I went off to a client and helped his confidence level. He thought had messed something up, but I told him that what he had done was actually looking really good and he was ready for production. That made both of us feel good. I then putzed around in the town where the client was as I didn't want to get back on the freeway just quite yet. I hadn't been in his area in a while and hadn't been on the main streets in years. Was kind of nice, but a bit of hurt crept in as I had walked those same streets many times with X2. That got me meandering down memory lane a little. I will say I loved the smell in the air. Felt very autumnal. That crisp scent of leaves and impending winter.

Headed back home and worked on some minor stuff for the rest of the day. Watched a few episodes of Heroes and went to bed. Oh, I made cupcakes in there somewhere. That's about it. Nothing to write home about.

Good boy.

Y2 D146

Holy hell, who would have thought that going out for the first time in weeks would get me into so much trouble? I mean seriously? What the hell happened last night? I didn't mean for it to get out of control like that. I swear I thought I could handle it.

Heh, I'm just fucking with you.

I did go out last night, but nothing exciting happened, and nothing bad happened. For once, I proved I can enjoy myself without breaking the bank, getting into trouble, or finding myself passed out in a ditch. I went to the movies last night. Yes, by myself. I have no problem with going to movies alone. It's no big deal in my mind. I went and saw Red. Cute movie. A little long given the premise is straight forward, but it was still enjoyable. AND more importantly, I had a drink last night. A single drink. I proved that I can do that too. I showed impulse control. Let me back up and we will discuss.

Spent the morning at the DMV taking care of the vehicles. Got there at 6:47am and was first in line. When the doors opened at 8, I was out of there by 8:09. One hour and thirteen minutes of waiting outside to be done in 8 minutes. Yeah, it was worth it. Back home I put the stickers on the bike and the car. I then decided to go for a ride. I ran over to the bank to get some cash for laundry. That will be today's big excitement. Then I rode over to the motorcycle store to get some cleaner. Unlike a car, where everything is protected by a hood, on a bike, everything is exposed. Being clean isn't about vanity, it's about safety. $5 for a can of cleaner is worth it. Came back, cleaned the bike, did some work. Got a call from one client asking if I could come out today and help them. No problem. That's why the early post today. Have to drive out to the client in a few.

My replacement phone came around 4 yesterday. Have to find a fedex office today to send the old one back. I forgot how clean and pretty this phone was when I first got it. The new one is working great so far. Very happy with Verizon.

Around 6 I headed out to the movie theater. I got there about 6:20 and decided to hit the restaurant next door where I know folks. I went in, said my hellos, and had one drink. Told the bartender that I was seeing a movie and couldn't stay long. And I did just that. Had my drink, went to the movies, came home, in bed by 10pm. Total spent about $30, but I had fun and didn't go crazy or do anything stupid. Yay me.

Y2 D145

Didn't do much of anything yesterday but I feel like I did a lot. It rained all day yesterday which put me in a blue sort of mood. Not a depressed mood, just melancholy. You know how it is when you have that first big rainy day of the season. You can't tell what time it is, it always feels later than it really is, etc. I meandered around the house in the morning then went and ran a couple of errands. Finally was able to buy some of the basics I have been needing like razors. Still being good and didn't go ape shit and blow it. That's the good part. I am struggling this morning to really remember what I did yesterday because there wasn't much to it. Bought some logs, lit a fire, made mac and cheese, watched more Heroes. I am in Season 3. I am about 40 episodes into it. Have less than half to go. Went to bed early because I was sleepy and it was already dark out at 6:30. No, I didn't go to bed then, but I was in bed by nine. See? Not much of much. This is not a bad thing. It's a good thing. Today I am off to the DMV to get my car stuff situated. Then work on a training program I am developing. Another pleasant valley Monday...

Y2 D144

LONG day yesterday even without a show. I got up and headed out to get ink for the printer around 10 as I need to print out all my insurance documents to take to the DMV tomorrow. As I was getting the ink, the fridge movers called. They were supposed to be at the storage unit between 11 and 1 and they were supposed to give me 1/2 hour notice. It was about 10:15 when they called and they were already there. Dang. I rushed over to the storage unit to meet them. The whole process took roughly an hour. We were done by noon. Got the fridge situated and started taking shelves out to clean the thing. After 18 months in storage, it was a little messy inside. I need to get some baking soda or something today to make sure it stays clean and to air out some of the musty smell. But damn if it ain't cool having my fridge back in the house. I can see it right now. Hello beautiful.

After that I headed over to the park where one of my friends was having a birthday gathering. She didn't want a real party, just some of us to get together and play board games. There were 4 other people besides her and me. I was by far the oldest. They were all 20 except for me. Sigh. I know sometimes I am creepy old guy, but whatever. I just wanted to play Scrabble. Which we did and I trounced them, severely. It was 228 (me) to 135 to 73, to 58. Yeah, I whipped them. After Scrabble it got a bit cold and I felt I was done. They were talking about college and high school and it was time to go. Seriously, I just wanted to play Scrabble.

When I returned home I decided to deal with the fridge and what I was going to do with it now that it was in my dining area. I decided to use it as my pantry. I moved everything that was in the cabinets like boxed goods, baking stuff, oils, etc into the fridge. Kind of neat. In the cabinets? Books. I think I may actually take the doors off the cabinets to allow you to see the books too. Haven't decided on that for sure or not yet. That will be today's thinking.

I then went and checked the mail. What's this? A check for $600. What?? Expense reimbursement? SO THAT'S HOW THEY ARE DOING IT. I actually haven't been paying attention to my expenses because it's been a little here, little there the last few months and I assumed it was being rolled into payroll. Nope. Separate check. Thank you. I needed that buffer.

Now, here's where things could have gone terribly wrong -- I could have easily gone and blown money on booze or food or whatever. I didn't. I am proud of me. What did I do? Well, I did treat myself. I drove over to a friend's house and we went and had Indian food. Yep. That was my big treat. Best part? He picked up the check. Wow. I was not expecting that, I was ready to pay my share, but he picked up the check. Nice. It would have only been $25 for me, but I am really thankful. That was a nice needed gesture. I totally enjoyed myself last night. No booze, good food, relaxing. Drove home, went to bed. Was in bed by 10:30. Pat me on the head and call me a good boy.

Today is video games and Heroes. I am not blowing this.

Y2 D143

Another boring day yesterday, sort of. I stressed out in the morning over money. My bosses did come through at 9pm last night with $1000 for all my registrations. Of course it was too late for the check to clear or for me to go to the DMV. Guess what I get to do on Monday? The upside was I at least re-established all my insurance policies. I can now go to the DMV without worrying about having proof of insurance. That's taken care of as of last night. I just need to get printer ink to print out the cards.

I went to the poor people grocery again yesterday. Bought the bare essentials - eggs, milk, cheese. Had pancakes last night for dinner. Food is food.

Also went to the phone store yesterday. That was a positive experience. My phone has been misbehaving and I showed them the problem and they are sending me a new one today or Monday. For free. I had three weeks left in my warranty. I picked the perfect timing to go into the store. This means I should have a new phone that lasts another year. Thank goodness.

That's about it. I was supposed to go see a friend perform, but since I couldn't get a ride I stayed home. I am sure she is disappointed, but I wasn't going to spend the money on gas, parking, etc to go by myself.  Just not interested in doing that alone.

Today the fridge movers come. That will keep me busy. Tonight, nothing. I am 33 episodes into Heroes. Only 44 more to go. That equals roughly 35 more hours to watch. No need to leave the house, right?

Y2 D142

I just sent my bosses an email asking for a cash advance to pay my insurance and registration. Let's see if they get back to me. Without a car, I am useless to the company. Plus I got a letter from the DMV yesterday saying that if I don't pay my bike registration they are going to turn it over to the tax board. Nice.

Just fucking shoot me. Now.

I can't take this any more. It's ridiculous. It's idiotic. I shouldn't be living like this. I want to run. I want to go away.

No, I am not tripping out and going down the rabbit hole. I am just frustrated that's all. I am just getting angry that I am in this spot. I am trying to deal with a dual income life on a single income. I have stripped everything out that is unnecessary. I am living off scraps off food in my fridge. But man, nothing is helping. I have nothing to sell that would be worth anything, I have tried to find a second job which is tough, and I am basically a hermit so I don't spend any money. This is no way to live.

Y2 D141

I have less than 24 hours to go until I get paid and I have roughly $20 in the bank. BUT nothing is late. I paid the one bill I was afraid I wouldn't be able to pay on time. That makes me feel pretty good. The fucked up part is when I do get paid, on Saturday I will pay all my other bills for the second half of the month including X1, and that will leave me with a whopping $100 to make it through the month. I still have no idea how I am going to pay my car registration and insurance. I have no car insurance right now. I am going to have to ask my bosses for an advance but if they refuse, then I am screwed. I will have no insurance, no registration, AND no money. Just fucking shoot me please??

Positives? I will be working for 400 hours at the place 1 mile away. This is good. I also have the fridge coming on Saturday. Have to figure out how to pay them, but I will just wing it. That in the end is worth it because it saves me money. I may have to move something around. I am going to try and call X1 today and tell her that I need to change my payment permanently by $100. She is probably going to yell at me but fuck her. If I took her to court, I could show that I have been over paying for the last six months. Make her OWE me. Yeah right. Life doesn't work that way, now does it? Dammit. I tried to come up with a positive and went right back down the hole.

I seem to have a new nickname from A64 - Mr. Bunny. Ok. Whatever.

My brother came over for a few minutes yesterday. He was on his way to the airport to pick someone up and graced me with his presence. Actually, I am glad to see him up and about. He looked bloated but otherwise, he was looking okay. Not great mind you, but he is moving around and that is good.

Random - There is this hair salon by my house that I notice whenever I go out. I have to pass it to get to the main streets. I always see these things in their window, but yesterday it bugged me for some reason. They have a Patrick Nagel print in the window (one of the cheap ass flea market ones) and a sign saying 'We use and recommend Paul Mitchell products'. Ok, can you be any more 80s? I mean seriously. 1985 called, it says to leave it alone...

I am 20 episodes into Heroes. Only 57 more to go.

Had to listen to my downstairs neighbors most of the afternoon/evening yammer on about fantasy football. That was fucking annoying. I guess I am just annoyed this morning. Really fucking annoyed...

Y2 D140

Wow, I am doing pretty darn good this morning. See?? What did I tell you about booze and women? Without them, I am doing GREAT. I had a fantastic day yesterday. Didn't do much during the day as I am still on hold for work. I did spend about 2 hours on a webinar where I was one of the "answer people" while my bosses did the actual presentation. Basically I sat there and watched the screen and when a random question would come up, I answered it. In 2 hours I answered three questions. Not exciting, but it counts as paid work.

I watched more episodes of Heroes. Damn I am hooked now. I am 10 episodes in with 67 to go. Roughly 48 hours left of watching. Good. It will keep me in the house and out of trouble this weekend as I have no shows to do.

I almost didn't go to the dinner party last night. I was this close to not going because I didn't want to drive. But I got over it and I am glad I did. I had a great time AND I did it without booze. I managed to enjoy the entire night without being a drunken idiot. I actually had conversations, remember people's names, and got to enjoy the food I was eating. I even remembered to bring home the leftovers put aside for me. AMAZING how much better things can be when you're not drunk off your ass. I was home at a decent time, in bed by 11, and feel good this morning. Fucking incredible.

Then right before I went to bed I got confirmation that I will be starting a 10 - 12 week project ONE mile from my house. No stress for a while. I have at least 400 confirmed hours walking distance away. Nice. I have $100 in the bank and have to make it through today and tomorrow. Goddamn, I am making good choices, holding on, and doing alright.

Ok, where's the other shoe?

Y2 D139

Another bad night. Multiple dreams about people I shouldn't be dreaming about. X2, H1... just bad shit. Tossed and turned all night long because of it. I seem to have my waking mind more under control, but am losing my sleeping mind. Time for me to not sleep again I think.

Watched 5 episodes of Heroes yesterday. I never watched it when it was on. Netflix has all four seasons so fuck it. That will keep me busy for a while I figure. There are 23 episodes in season one each 45 minutes long. That will keep me for a going 18-20 hours, right?

Sat around again yesterday. Looked like for a while I might have to go out of town tomorrow for a training class, but in the end we decided it wasn't worth it. Since I have nowhere to apply what I will learn, it's better to wait until they redo the class in December. Oh well.

Ate weird last night - tater tots and a corn muffin with a few slices of cheese and some nuts for dessert. Only a few more days. Tonight I shall eat well. My buddy is doing another of his dinner parties. $20 I don't have, but I want to go. The menu is:

celery julep aperitif 

white corn soup with a chive biscuit and pickled vegetables 

roasted chantrelles and shaved celery hearts with sorrel, pickled sultanas and pumpkin seed vinaigrette 

fried squid po' boys on brioche with a squid ink aioli and smoky celeriac remoulade

rustic cornmeal fregolata with cardamom applesauce and prosecco sabayon.

Not too shabby. I will eat well at least once this month. And no real meat. Fried squid I can pick at or not eat. Keep to my control choices.

My phone starting going insane last night. The screen is doing weird things. I am hoping to hit a Verizon store today to see if they can do something about it. I may be screwed.

Y2 D138

Weighed in at 155 yesterday. That makes 5 lbs down in ten days. Six more to go before the end of the month. I am pretty sure I can do it. Two pounds a week? Not a problem.

I started thinking about something while I was in the shower yesterday. I thought about how civil, if not downright boring my posts have been for the last couple of weeks. I also started pondering why and what has changed. The answer? I took two things out of my life - women and booze. I then started thinking about how every time I seem to be losing it or in deep, it's because of these two things. I then reflected on some of the fictional characters I identify most with currently on TV. Don Draper from Mad Men and Hank Moody from Californication. What's their Achilles heel? Women and booze.  When the two are put together it makes for a lethal concoction. It's like it's the universe's way of keeping men in check - you get one or the other. Try to have both and you're going to get fucked. Plain and simple. Seriously, think about it - when a good old fashioned alcoholic tries to have a relationship it usually ends in bad news. And when a guy IN a relationship gets in trouble it's usually because booze was involved. You can't have both, sorry. The universe just says no. That means I need to make a decision about which I want more. Do I want a life filled with booze and meaningless interactions with one night stands where I don't have any deep connection or do I want a fulfilling relationship where I am never allowed to be a slobbering drunk fool when I feel like it? Honestly that's a real question - freedom to behave as badly as I want and not have remorse, or connection on a deeper level with another human being. Never thought about it quite like that huh? I mean really they both will leave you broke and worn out, but which one is more satisfying? Which one brings more completeness?

The other thing I pondered yesterday was how it's funny that men see themselves as the protector. It's come up here time and time again where I fall into certain traps of ending up making bad choices because I want to protect some woman. But in reality, it's women who are the real protectors. Mothers, wives, girlfriends. They are always protecting men from things, mostly themselves. Which is why they won't let us drink like we would want left to our own devices. See universe rule above.

I hate days like yesterday where I have too much time on my hands. It leads to thinking which leads to over analyzing which leads to frustration which leads to... yeah you get the picture.

I honestly wish sometimes I could be ignorant; not stupid mind you, just blissfully ignorant. I am often jealous of people who are able to lead simple lives without the need to analyze and think in depth about things that really are irrelevant. The kind of person who can get up in the morning, do their chores, crack open a beer, sit around watching sports on TV, hanging out with the family, bed. So simple and nice. I am not saying these people don't think or worry - it's that their worries and thoughts are more pragmatic usually. The things they think about are more immediate concerns or possibly future concerns, but still pragmatic concerns. For example they worry about bills and finances and the kid's homework and paying for college and if the storm windows are going to last another season and is it time to get oil changed on the car and really should have those back tires checked out... Things that are real and tangible.

Me? I think about things like why I am alone? Or how X2 and I were perfect for each other while being the most destructive thing to each other. Or about the fact that I am once again over analyzing the past and if that makes me sane or if I am slowly starting some descent into madness. Which leads to but what is madness? Is it a state of being or a physical manifestation? What is sanity? What is reality? Is any of this 'real' in the sense that has some meaning? See? Questions of sanity, over analysis of the past and prior actions, meaning of life. These are not the thoughts of normal people. Of that I am envious. Ignorance truly would be bliss at times.

So I spent an hour thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking....