Y2 D138

Weighed in at 155 yesterday. That makes 5 lbs down in ten days. Six more to go before the end of the month. I am pretty sure I can do it. Two pounds a week? Not a problem.

I started thinking about something while I was in the shower yesterday. I thought about how civil, if not downright boring my posts have been for the last couple of weeks. I also started pondering why and what has changed. The answer? I took two things out of my life - women and booze. I then started thinking about how every time I seem to be losing it or in deep, it's because of these two things. I then reflected on some of the fictional characters I identify most with currently on TV. Don Draper from Mad Men and Hank Moody from Californication. What's their Achilles heel? Women and booze.  When the two are put together it makes for a lethal concoction. It's like it's the universe's way of keeping men in check - you get one or the other. Try to have both and you're going to get fucked. Plain and simple. Seriously, think about it - when a good old fashioned alcoholic tries to have a relationship it usually ends in bad news. And when a guy IN a relationship gets in trouble it's usually because booze was involved. You can't have both, sorry. The universe just says no. That means I need to make a decision about which I want more. Do I want a life filled with booze and meaningless interactions with one night stands where I don't have any deep connection or do I want a fulfilling relationship where I am never allowed to be a slobbering drunk fool when I feel like it? Honestly that's a real question - freedom to behave as badly as I want and not have remorse, or connection on a deeper level with another human being. Never thought about it quite like that huh? I mean really they both will leave you broke and worn out, but which one is more satisfying? Which one brings more completeness?

The other thing I pondered yesterday was how it's funny that men see themselves as the protector. It's come up here time and time again where I fall into certain traps of ending up making bad choices because I want to protect some woman. But in reality, it's women who are the real protectors. Mothers, wives, girlfriends. They are always protecting men from things, mostly themselves. Which is why they won't let us drink like we would want left to our own devices. See universe rule above.

I hate days like yesterday where I have too much time on my hands. It leads to thinking which leads to over analyzing which leads to frustration which leads to... yeah you get the picture.

I honestly wish sometimes I could be ignorant; not stupid mind you, just blissfully ignorant. I am often jealous of people who are able to lead simple lives without the need to analyze and think in depth about things that really are irrelevant. The kind of person who can get up in the morning, do their chores, crack open a beer, sit around watching sports on TV, hanging out with the family, bed. So simple and nice. I am not saying these people don't think or worry - it's that their worries and thoughts are more pragmatic usually. The things they think about are more immediate concerns or possibly future concerns, but still pragmatic concerns. For example they worry about bills and finances and the kid's homework and paying for college and if the storm windows are going to last another season and is it time to get oil changed on the car and really should have those back tires checked out... Things that are real and tangible.

Me? I think about things like why I am alone? Or how X2 and I were perfect for each other while being the most destructive thing to each other. Or about the fact that I am once again over analyzing the past and if that makes me sane or if I am slowly starting some descent into madness. Which leads to but what is madness? Is it a state of being or a physical manifestation? What is sanity? What is reality? Is any of this 'real' in the sense that has some meaning? See? Questions of sanity, over analysis of the past and prior actions, meaning of life. These are not the thoughts of normal people. Of that I am envious. Ignorance truly would be bliss at times.

So I spent an hour thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking....