And don't tell me things happen for a reason. Don't tell me it's all part of God's plan. I have had it with your god that doesn't exist. I get no comfort from your placations and your empty promises of a better tomorrow. I am in today. Today is all that matter and today is fucked.
How? How did I get like this? I wasn't like this two years ago. I wasn't like this five years ago. Or maybe I was but there were enough layers of insulation around everything that I could maintain a mask of sanity. Now, that is gone. It is slipping and slipping fast. I hurt. I hurt inside more than people can imagine. More than they can comprehend. I need to find solace somewhere.
I feel so overwhelmed. I can't function like a normal human being anymore. I try. I put myself through the paces, but it doesn't help. It just hurts more. I feel so useless. I feel like I can't do a goddamn thing right.
I am supposed to go to a birthday party tonight, but I probably won't go because that would mean spending money on a present and putting gas in the car. Neither of which I can do. I will send out an apology email saying I am stuck at work to avoid going. It will be better that way. Plus this way I won't be around booze or anything where I might be tempted to make a bad decision.
No, I will just hide in the house yet again. Smarter that way. Safer that way.
Even the kid is worried about me. She texted me this morning asking how I was doing. I told her I was fine. She never needs to know how bad I am doing. I don't ever want her worrying about me. She has enough on her plate to deal with that she doesn't need to worry about her old man too.
Today is the 1st. Have to figure out how I am going to pay rent and everything else that is due without ending up at zero. I don't think it will be possible. I am going to be overdrawn again in about a week once all the bills go out. Nothing I can do about it.
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