Y2 D152

I went to church yesterday. Before you freak out, let me explain why. The other day X1's mother called me to see how my brother is doing. she is just that type of person. We started talking and she mentioned that there is this one priest at their church she thought I should hear, and in a moment of niceness, I told her the next time they go and he is speaking, I would go with them. Now, in the back of my mind, I also had an ulterior motive. At some point, X1's lifestyle is going to catch up with her. All the running around, all the drama she has put her family through, it's all going to catch up and the shit is going to hit the fan. When that happens I know it is going to impact me. If it happens before the kid moves in with me, then I can hear it already - 'I need more money, I need this, I need that'. If I have her mother on my side because I have spent more time with them, and gone to church with them, and shown them how swell I am, it will benefit me in the long run. It doesn't hurt me to spend an hour of my time doing something for someone else if in the long run I can possibly benefit from it. Yes, that is selfish. Yes that is using the situation to my advantage, but so what?

I will also admit that the priest wasn't bad. I disliked all of the ritual and rote sheep behavior I witnessed yesterday, but I did enjoy his actual sermon. His message and story were pertinent to me and I took something away from that. If I could have just heard the sermon and not had to sit through the rest of the crap, I would have been happy. That's the big issue -- there's nothing wrong with listening to an inspiring or thought provoking message. I like that because it makes me think and makes me aware of things in my life. It's the other crap I can do without. The standing and sitting and all the repeat after me and blind obedience. That's religion and I hate religion.

After church I came home, finished a jigsaw puzzle, watched Heroes, ironed, and went to bed. Nothing exciting. Today is a major mental day for me which we will discuss tomorrow, but at least now I can connect the dots and I know why X2 has been on my mind so much lately. It's because of today and what it represents.

Off to work.