Y2 D157

One show down two to go. I am so glad I stayed home yesterday. I needed the sleep like crazy. I caught up on all my sleep and actually don't feel too awful this morning. Feel pretty good given I didn't get in until 3:30. I seriously spent the majority of the day sleeping. I did get through season 3 of Heroes. Only have about 14 more episodes to watch in season 4. I would like to finish that off today. I can't believe I have watched almost 78 episodes of a single show like this all in a row. Damn. Went to the store to pick up a couple of things for the pets, but otherwise didn't leave the house until 9.

Had one small issue yesterday but I handled it without stressing out. My paycheck wasn't what I expected although I was expecting that to happen. I normally get a larger check at the beginning of the month, but technically since it was still October it came through in the smaller amount. I asked my bosses if they could cut a manual check for the difference and subtract it from the next check. They said that should be no problem and I should have it by the 5th. Perfect. Crisis averted.

I picked up three other cast members last night. Had a full car. Fun peeps. All of them under 21 which was weird. I learned that I am a DILF. Nice. That's a new one for me. I guess it's not the worst thing I have ever been called.

Did the show, learned I may be up for a promotion on tech crew. Don't know to what extent yet, but I should learn more tonight. I know it sounds dumb, but it gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride. It will mean more getting sucked into some of the drama, but it also means keeping me out of trouble too. Give me something other than work or booze to focus on which is a good thing. Show as sold out as is tonight's show. Some VERY hot young things walking around these shows half naked. Dear god. I saw more boob last night without having to pay for it than I have ever seen. We actually had to make one girl leave because she kept popping out of her dress. She was found later in the bathroom praying to the porcelain goddess. And she wasn't the only one. Later in the night I kept checking on one kid who was over his head. Then our directors, who were taking the night off from performing, appeared out of nowhere completely HAMMERED. I have never seen them like that. Made me feel good to see them human for once. But unfortunately not everyone can hold their liquor. At the end of the show all of a sudden paramedics showed up. Some little one got over her head and needed to be escorted home in the back of an ambulance. I will find out tonight more details, but it's probably nothing. And to think, last night was Friday and not even Halloween yet. Can't wait to see what excitement tonight and tomorrow's shows bring...

Y2 D156

I am home sick today. This explains in part why I was so cranky yesterday morning. I woke up at 2 coughing up phlegm and not being able to breathe. I am staying home today. I have three shows this weekend and need to be healthy for them.

Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I worked for 6 hours and decided to go home and pass out. Which I did. I slept for three hours, watched Heroes, took a bath, watched some more Heroes, pounded TheraFlu and went to bed. That was my day. Today is starting off a little frustrating but we will hold that until tomorrow, won't we?

Y2 D155

Yesterday was one of those days that makes me rethink my decision not to drink. Work was stressful, but worse was when I got home. My package form the old place arrived last night - three months of mail that had been sitting there piling up. Most of it was junk, but there were three or four things that caused me serious stress. First was a letter from the bank where I have my car loan. Seems that because my insurance lapsed, they didn't have the correct info on my new policy. If I didn't call them immediately they were adding $300 a month to my car payment to cover insurance. I called them up to give them the policy number and they told me my insurance was insufficient. I had to call the insurance company and change my policy. That added $50 a month to my premium. I don't have another $50 a month. Now this morning I have to call the bank to make sure they have all the right info. The next was a letter from my timeshare in Tahoe. Seems I owe them $1000. I am going to call them today to tell them I don't want the property and they can have it. The worst one though was from the IRS. They have been sending letters to my old address and are now threatening me with liens and tax evasion. I have to call them to straighten that out. I don't know where I am coming up with any money to pay them every month. I am hoping I can get away with $50 a month to them too. I am going to have to cancel or eliminate something from my current monthly bills, but I don't know what. I can drop my phone down maybe $20. Turn off all the lights to get my electricity down $10. Give up my netflix for another $10. But that's about it. Everything else is mandatory. I can maybe adjust my amex payment but they weren't happy about it being as low as it is anyway. I need to figure this out. More stress. Fuck me.

Y2 D154

I am so damn tired this morning. Worn out to be exact. Yesterday was grueling. I am now beyond the challenging phase at work and into the this sucks ass phase. These reports are killing me. They are more frustrating than anything I have dealt with in a while. Just pissing me off.

I had to go to a walk through last night for our big Halloween show, then come home and do blocking diagrams for the tech crew. It was a long day followed by a long night. I haven't slept much the last few nights and last night didn't help any. Plus, the theater where we are doing the Halloween show is right by X2's office. All the way there and all the way back all I did was think about her. Fuck me.

I am drained and exhausted mentally and physically right now. Need to rest but no time. I can't afford to take a day off yet. I need to save any PTO days for next week since I have three shows this weekend and KNOW I will be even more tired than I am right now.

What I am really worried about is that I am getting sick. I fight like mad to keep sickness at bay, but right now it feels like I am on the edge of developing a cold. That's making me grumpy. Off to work. I hope I can knock these damn reports out today.

Y2 D153

Sometimes memories suck. Especially when it is a memory of something that at the time was good. Better than good, downright beautiful. Damn near perfect. It was two years ago that X2 and I had one of the most incredible nights of our time together. We had been fighting all year, we both knew our marriage was over, but for one night we put all that to the side and we remembered why we had been together for so many years. It was one of three times in 13 years I can remember her saying that she loved me and I honestly felt she meant it. It was one of only three times where I felt the sincerity and the love. Not just the words.

We had been invited to a private dinner party for A Longe & Sons release of their new 2009 watch collection. This was a party in the Hollywood Hills at the private showcase home A Longe had built. We had been invited months ago but didn't think we would go because of how much we had been fighting. At the last minute we agreed to go. we booked a room at the Beverly Hilton and  headed off to West Hollywood. From the minute we got on the road, everything was perfect. No traffic, perfect weather, no hassles, no arguments.

We checked into the hotel, went down to their wine bar as we had a few hours to kill and relaxed. We actually enjoyed each other's company. We then drove to the house. The party was perfect. About 25 guests total, champagne, a wonderful dinner, gorgeous watches, swag bag which included a $1000 gift card towards the purchase of a watch. We hung around for an hour or two and then decided to head to Dantana's one of our favorite restaurants in West Hollywood. Not only did we find seats at the bar in five minutes, but we were center bar. We ended up staying there until 2 am well after closing, met the greatest guy who has been a customer for 35 years (he is a casting agent and just a nice guy), met so many other wonderful people, but the best moment and the moment I knew we were in was when the waiter called me a 'cocksucker'. That meant he considered us part of the crowd. Part of the special people who were still in the place after 11pm (closing time). We had food, drinks, conversation. The bartender even asked at one point if we were on a first date. When we told him we had been married for 11 years he was floored. He said we looked happy and in love. At that moment, we were.

We got back to the hotel around 3, and then she said it. She said it and it touched me deeper than anything. We made love until the sun came up, had breakfast in bed, and headed home. The bliss lasted through the day. It was the perfect weekend.

And honestly, the perfect end. While that wasn't the last time we were 'happy', it was definitely the last time we were close and actually felt something for each other.

Now? Now I look at it and wonder if she loved me because of the life I was giving her or because of me. Was it that we were at a party where the watches start at 12,000 and I offered to buy her one? Was it that I took her to a party in the Hollywood Hills? Was it the Beverly Hilton? Was it Dantana's? Was it ME?

I don't know. I never will know. This is why memories suck. This is why I wish I could erase parts of my mind. Would I want it back? No. I am happier where I am today. That may be alone, broke, and stressed - but at least it's mine. I own it and I know it's real.

As Lao Tzu said -- My memory of you is better than you.

Y2 D152

I went to church yesterday. Before you freak out, let me explain why. The other day X1's mother called me to see how my brother is doing. she is just that type of person. We started talking and she mentioned that there is this one priest at their church she thought I should hear, and in a moment of niceness, I told her the next time they go and he is speaking, I would go with them. Now, in the back of my mind, I also had an ulterior motive. At some point, X1's lifestyle is going to catch up with her. All the running around, all the drama she has put her family through, it's all going to catch up and the shit is going to hit the fan. When that happens I know it is going to impact me. If it happens before the kid moves in with me, then I can hear it already - 'I need more money, I need this, I need that'. If I have her mother on my side because I have spent more time with them, and gone to church with them, and shown them how swell I am, it will benefit me in the long run. It doesn't hurt me to spend an hour of my time doing something for someone else if in the long run I can possibly benefit from it. Yes, that is selfish. Yes that is using the situation to my advantage, but so what?

I will also admit that the priest wasn't bad. I disliked all of the ritual and rote sheep behavior I witnessed yesterday, but I did enjoy his actual sermon. His message and story were pertinent to me and I took something away from that. If I could have just heard the sermon and not had to sit through the rest of the crap, I would have been happy. That's the big issue -- there's nothing wrong with listening to an inspiring or thought provoking message. I like that because it makes me think and makes me aware of things in my life. It's the other crap I can do without. The standing and sitting and all the repeat after me and blind obedience. That's religion and I hate religion.

After church I came home, finished a jigsaw puzzle, watched Heroes, ironed, and went to bed. Nothing exciting. Today is a major mental day for me which we will discuss tomorrow, but at least now I can connect the dots and I know why X2 has been on my mind so much lately. It's because of today and what it represents.

Off to work.

Y2 D151

I had a really good day yesterday, long but good. I spent some money and need to be careful this week, but not so much that I am freaking out. It's money spent on a good cause which makes me feel good. My buddy and legendary surf artist Drew Brophy (www.drewbrophy.com) has signed a deal with Nordstroms and Ugg boots to go to different stores and paint boots. I saw he posted on Facebook he was going to be at one in my area. I had to go. I ended up getting a pair of grey Ugg boots with a dragon in black painted on the sides. Very cool. I needed a pair of winter boots anyway which is why I didn't feel bad spending the money. Plus anytime I can support someone I care about, I will.

Ironically I got a text yesterday from X1 saying she hasn't seen her monthly check yet. She thinks I do something with it. Woman, the checks go out automatically from the bank. I am sorry if the USPS moves slow, but there's nothing I can do about it. Plus I technically have until the end of the month for you to receive money. Sending me text messages doesn't magically make it appear any faster.

After getting home from seeing Drew I napped, bummed around the house then at 9 headed out for the show. We met at the regular before show bar and I am very proud to say I didn't drink. Had a couple of diet cokes before the show and that was it. Did the show, had pie with a couple of cast members afterwards and was home in bed by 3:15. A64 was in a mood last night. I get the weirdest signals from her. Maybe it's because I am a guy and I only have one thing on my mind, but whatever. I mean she stresses how she has her 'boy' but then hugs me and gives me a kiss on my neck. She seems to be flirting with me, but like I said, maybe I am just reading too much into it. Maybe because I want there to be flirting I am seeing something that isn't there. On a similar note, the directors and I decided that the kid should marry their kid. We both have managed to raise responsible, smart kids and we think they would be perfect together. That should go over well with them.

Just got up now and feel good.

I like feeling good. I like feeling good physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Y2 D150

Wow, 150 days into it. Almost halfway through the year. Amazing. I am still alive, still functioning. Huh. Amazing.

Went to work yesterday, still being challenged by the reports I am working on. Started to take its toll a little bit yesterday. There's a challenge and then there is just frustration. I was having a hard time getting into because of this. Midday I decided to switch from the one report I was working on and move to a different one to stretch my brain back. Smart move. I made it 70% through one of the other reports by doing this.

After work I decided to 'treat' myself. I went to Old Navy and bought new pajama bottoms. I know, exciting, right? The weather has changed and I wanted some new ones to keep me a little warmer without having to put huge blankets on the bed. I figured $12.50 wouldn't kill me. I started looking in other stores first and found some I liked for $40 but in my head I was thinking 'I don't want to spend that much'. That's a good change for me. Learning how to be frugal without denying myself some basics. Baby steps.

Came home, did laundry, and made stuff in the kitchen -- made mac & cheese, blackberry scones, and dessert fries. The fries are sliced poundcake dipped into raspberry puree as ketchup. Not too shabby. I baked the slices a little long and they were crispier than I would have preferred, but the taste was still good.

Watched some Heroes, went to bed. Had a dream about X2. She had returned and was doing laundry which means she brought my washer and dryer back. The ones that she had to have so bad then included when the house was sold. Bitch. In my dream she had sold my fridge too. And I was pissed. After everything I went through to get my fridge back she had the nerve to sell it. That would sum up our relationship.

Not much going on today. Going to bum around in the morning. It's raining right now and I am not motivated to really leave the house. Have a show tonight which means naptime around 3 or 4. I was hoping to ride the bike tonight, but if it's raining that's out of the question.

Here's to another boring day. Gotta love them...

Y2 D149

Before I get into yesterday, let me just tell you that it's been a little rough for me lately mentally. For some reason I have been thinking about X2. Nothing in particular, just these passing thoughts about what she is doing or where she is, etc. Not sure why now it's happening. Maybe because of the upcoming holidays? Maybe because I have been alone now for 4 or 5 weeks? Don't know. I wish it would stop.

Went to work in the morning. I am enjoying myself on this project because it is proving to be a challenge. It's not a straight forward set of reports and it is causing me to stretch myself technically which while frustrating is always fun. I have a goal today let's see if I can hit it.

After work, I went over to my director's place to help build kits for our upcoming shows. We make the majority of our money for the cast by selling kits before the shows to people in line. We needed to make 578 kits last night. It wasn't too bad. Took us a little over 2 1/2 hours to get them all done with seven people. Was a nice repetitive task that we could just barrel through. Kind of like working on an assembly line. We talked and laughed while shoving all the little goodies into brown paper bags. No drama, no worries. I brought cupcakes and I didn't drink. Another night of showing good impulse control especially since there were people drinking and I even brought a bottle of wine. It was a belated birthday gift for one of the girls and she opened it immediately. I politely declined a glass. I knew if I started drinking it, I would have finished more of the bottle than her. Impulse control.

Got home around 10:30 and went straight to bed. Today is work, then a stop at the Halloween store to see if I can find a costume I like. Show on Saturday.

Y2 D148

An open letter to corporate America:

For the record, the fax machine is 30+ year old technology. Why do you insist on keeping it around? I mean seriously, who even has a landline at home anymore? Don't ask me to fax you documents nor ask me if you can fax me something. Use a MFC device to scan and email it to me for crying out loud...

That's just been on my mind. Don't know why. It's silly, but it drives me nuts. I have been talking to a couple of people trying to deal with my time share and they are all well we need you to fax us a copy of the deed. Fax? Really? You don't have email and a printer? Hell, why do you need paper anyway? The paperless office. What a joke.

Anyway, nothing going on. Went to work, have some stuff from the client to work on and he is a good client. He gave me a set of six reports and last night he asked 'so about 2 weeks or so?'. I looked at him and told him he was being very generous as I had expected to have them done in about a week maybe a little longer. His boss overheard and was happy about this. I was being honest, not trying to kiss ass. They are complex, but once I get through the tricky part, 4 of them will drop at once. The nice thing is I can ride the bike to their office, I can get in at 7:30 and work until 4 and I am there for at least 10 weeks. Cool beans.

Came home, made waffles, watched Heroes, went to bed. I am almost through season 3. I think I have about 30 more episodes to watch and I will be done. Man I love me Netflix.

Tonight I am going over to my director's house to help build props. That should be fun.