Y3 D15

Heading home and about to get on the road for 12 hours so I don't have time for a full post. But yesterday was a big pile of awesome wrapped in incredible. The Experience Music Project in Seattle is a MUST SEE for anyone traveling up there. Between the museum, the troll, the pie, the company, oh my, it was just a fantastic non-stop day. I was finally truly relaxed and not worried about ex-wives or other people's drama for once. I promise a full update tomorrow on two days. Once this vacation is over, I will get back into my normal pattern of writing and posting.

Y3 D14

yesterday was fun. We spent the morning hanging out in Portland. The girls wanted to go back to one of the vintage stores we hit the day before. I also took them to a porn store. Yes, a porn store. They wanted to look for shoes. It was more one of those 'lingerie' stores versus porn stores. It was actually huge and very clean and nice. Then we ate really good street food which was fun. We came back in the afternoon and spent the day with my dad. It only took 25 years, but I finally had a father/son night. We went off and played pool all night. It was a good day all around. Today we are off to Seattle for the day. I really don't have much to say today. Things are finally calming down in my head which is good. I am slowly getting passed things. I do think I need to go back to a doctor now that I have better insurance. More to come on that.

Y3 D13

Yesterday was the first day I came truly close to actually relaxing. Still not there as the internal battle rages on in my head. Put on the front. Put on the mask of sanity.

Drove to Portland yesterday with the kid and my niece. Went into town to a place where some friends from my old town now work. Unfortunately since it was a Tuesday no one was around, but the nice thing is at lunch they gave us the friends and family discount because they knew I was friends with the executive and sous chef. After lunch we wandered around downtown Portland going into vintage shops. I found a 70s red leather jacket in perfect condition for $40. We then headed to the hotel where we all crashed until it was time for dinner. For dinner we went to my friend's restaurant which I have mentioned before in these writings. The last time I was there was with my brother which was bittersweet being back. We had an incredible dinner -- poke, pork belly with tempura egg, razor clams with gnocchi, tortilla bisque, kailua pork, gorgonzola ravioli, coconut cheesecake, blueberry tart, and brownies. That's the courses I can remember. The owner/chef/friend came over about halfway through the meal and sat with us and we caught up. He poured me some drink he is serving at his late night happy hour on weekends which consisted of absinthe, vodka, tequila, white wine, and port. I had one. Only needed one. Total when he had the server bring the bill? $28.50. Was NOT expecting that. I won't lie, I was expecting him to knock something off like the desserts but not 75% of the bill. Seriously, we easily had 100 - 125 worth of food and drink. I gave the waitress a $45 tip which is closer to what she would have gotten on a normal bill plus a little extra. That was really nice and made my night.

We got back to the hotel around 10. I got us a suite so the girls are in the other room right now and I am in the front room. We are heading back at some point today but in no hurry. I need to be around people. I need to stop dwelling. I did send out a couple of messages on OKC yesterday. Of course, no responses. Makes me wonder why I even try...

Y3 D12

The pain's not ashamed to repeat itself...


I am doing a little better today but not 100%. I don't know why it's eating at me the way it is. It's stupid. On a purely logical level I know this. I know I am being an idiot. I can't go back, I don't want to go back, but yet there it is. Hanging out there over my goddamn head like the sword of Damocles. I am back to wanting to put the gun in my mouth and pull the fucking trigger. Just make it all stop. I feel worthless, ugly, and not worthy of love. And what is love anyway? Chemical reactions? Undying devotion? Partnership? What the fuck does it mean? How can I find 'love' when I don't even LIKE myself right now? What a wasted life.

Spent the day with my sister and her kid yesterday. We drove my niece's friend home and bummed around the 'city'. Compared to everything else around here it was definitely a city. The girls had fun. As long as everyone else is happy and no one knows what is going on inside this head of mine, then I guess we're okay, right?

Made my sister and her family dinner last night - two different types of crepes. One set with salmon the other with chicken, both with mushrooms, spinach, dill, onion, and a nice cream sauce. Served it with sliced tomatoes and couscous. For dessert I did strawberry banana crepes with nutella. They were happy. Everyone is happy. But me. I am dying inside a little bit more every day. Fuck it. Let the whole thing die. Let it just end.

Y3 D11

Ok here's what happened on Saturday - everything was fine during the day, the kid and I did some stuff around the house like taking care of the rabbits and the cat, packing for our trip, and just relaxing. We both slept in the afternoon to make sure we were awake and ready to go for our planned 1am departure. Everything was great, until about 9pm. At 9 I was chatting online with a friend when they said:

'So guess what - X2's in a relationship'
'Oh (slam in my stomach), how do you know?'
'Well she never posts on fb and I didn't even realize we were still connected until I saw she updated her status from 'it's complicated' to 'in a relationship'. I mean come on it's been two years, it can't bug you that much'.

They are right, it shouldn't bug me that much but it did. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know why, it just did. Pit in my stomach still just typing this. It's not like I have been a celibate monk the last two years and I doubt she has either, but it's the public acknowledgement that hit. Especially since I have been alone for these last eight months. If I was with someone right now or even had someone on the horizon it wouldn't have hurt so much. But I don't and it did. This led to poor decision making. We headed out to the show where I proceeded to drink way too much. So much that I don't remember the show, I don't remember anything except the kid telling me we were home as I was passed out in the back seat of my car. Needless to say we didn't leave at 1 as planned. We ended up leaving at 7:30 yesterday. Took 12 hours to drive to my dad's place and we made it in one piece.

I tried explaining to the kid why I did what I did and all I could tell her was there are many pains in this life that I can try and protect you from, but the pain of a broken heart isn't one of them. When the time comes and someone rips your heart out, you will understand why I acted the way I did last night. There are no excuses for it, but it's the most honest I can be about it.

I publicly apologized in our cast mailing list. I haven't heard the backlash from my actions yet, but I am sure it is coming. I hope that I don't get kicked off cast for this one. I don't think I did anything too out of line other than be a stupid drunk. We will see.

Right now I am on vacation so fuck it. I am good with work, good with my head, still not good with the thought of X2 being happy though. I think in part I wanted her to suffer longer, but hey, it's time to grow up and realize she left me and move on. I do plan when I get back home to take anything in the house that belonged to her, pictures, etc, put them in a box and send them off to her dad. Time to truly sever the fucking cord.

Y3 D10

yesterday was bad  real bad. still driving. learned x2 is rn a relationship and happy. pit in my stomach

Y3 D9

Yesterday I remembered why I like working at startup companies. I got in around 8 as I had the kid drive me to the train station. That was nice. I was able to catch an early train without stressing about walking. I just got her up, she drove me, and went back to bed. I get into the office and there on my desk is a tote bag, a coffee mug, and a t-shirt. Nice way to start the day. I then continued to watch the training videos until our 90 minute lunch meeting where we discussed current clients, played 'stump the experts', and then went back to training. At 3 the real fun started. It seems that every first Friday of the month, it's a theme party from 3-5. This month it was France. In the back part of the company was a spread of french wines, beer, and food. Work was done for the week apparently. Everyone walking around with little stick on moustaches and drinking. Yep, I like it here. So far so good.

I decided around 4 that I was going to get out because nothing more was going to get accomplished. Said goodbye to those two or three people I have started being friendly with and left. On the way to the train station "it" happened. One of the reasons I took this job -- I started talking to this nice woman who was also rushing to get to the train station. No, I didn't get her name, but we made some nice small talk as we sped walk three blocks together to get the 4:17 train. She works around the corner from me. She had a friend already at the platform and left to sit with her, but the point is, this is what I was hoping for by taking this job. The ability to see or meet someone who I can see every day and establish a human connection. I do hope I bump into her again when I am back from vacation. The kid picked me up at the train station and we ordered pizza for dinner. We watched The Virgin Suicides while scarfing down pizza and salad. Was great fun. Both of us were really tired from the last couple of days and went off to bed around 9:30. I slept like a log. Was awesome.

Tonight we have a show and then we head up to see the family. This is going to be an interesting week. Tomorrow's post will be late so don't freak out. I have a 12 hour drive ahead of us and we aren't leaving until 1am. I will post, it will just be late.

Y3 D8

Long damn day yesterday. Started off with that wonderful pounding headache. It finally dissipated around 3 in the afternoon. Yeah, fun fun. Bummed around the hotel until about 9 or so and headed over to the what was for the last time, the kid's house. Got my car loaded with all of her stuff and we headed back. It was a good ride. We talked about her leaving that part of her life behind and how this was the start of new beginnings, etc. It was nice spending some quiet time knowing that this is it, I don't have to drive her back this time. No end date. This ain't no rental this time. The reality of that isn't going to sink in for a while as I have been used to her being with me months at a time in the summer. It will be in September when she starts school that it will really sink in for me. We got home around 5 and started unpacking her room. Man that kid has more clothes than me. Damn. Around 8 we sat down to watch a movie - Wristcutters, A Love Story - and have some dinner. The movie was really cute and I highly recommend it. Went to bed afterwards at about 10. I guess it wasn't that long a day in the grand scheme of things, but it certainly felt long. Off to work today and then a show tomorrow followed by a week off!

Y3 D7

What an odd, bizarre, surreal, exciting, strange, and all around insane day yesterday was. I got up at 4:30 because I was worried about having enough time to do everything I wanted to do in the morning before I had to leave. I literally had laundry going before 5 am. Of course it was one of those moments where I got up too early and was standing around a little bit but overall not too much. After laundry I went to the store and got cat food, rabbit food, and what would be the start of way too many Rockstars.

Called X1 around 9 to find out where we were meeting for dinner and at what time. The best part of that conversation? Where I ask her if she's excited today and she spends the next 20 minutes talking about her back. Seriously bitch? Really? Her own daughter didn't come up until I fucking interrupted her and asked where we were having dinner. Damn.

Was on the road at 10 and made it to the kid's area around 2ish. On the way there nothing really eventful happened but there's one thing I want to note; I tried calling the friend I 'lost' recently. I left a message about how there should be no bad blood between us on this day of my kid's graduation and ask him to call me back. He didn't and that really hurt. I would have hoped that he could put whatever issues we had aside and at least congratulate me and the kid on the event. Kind of bugged me and obviously still is bugging me.

Anyway, got here, checked in to the hotel and then showered, changed, etc. Met them all at the restaurant for the pre-show dinner around 4:30. X1 was mildly behaving herself. There we were - X1, her soon to be ex-husband, their two kids, X1's parents, her sister and kid, me, the kid, and the kid's friend. What a fucked up modern day family we were. Me? I was motherfuckin' pimpin' it. I was looking hot and so out of place. Loved it. All of it. Her husband came over to me about halfway through the meal and asked if I would help him split the bill. I told him I had only planned on paying for the kid, me, and her friend. Why couldn't X1's parents do something for once? He felt embarrassed and didn't have an answer but I knew where he was coming from on that. I didn't want him to feel bad so yes, I split the bill with him. We discussed it later. Oh just keep reading, it gets fun...

The three of us left early as the kid needed to get to the ceremony and of course X1 was too busy in her own world to realize it was time to go. Got her there right on time as always thank you very much. I then proceeded to block off 10 seats. The people in front of me were blocking of EIGHTY seats. Damn.

Three hours later the kid finally took the stage to get her diploma. Now, those eighty in front of me? I cheered for their kids and had them cheer for mine. It was fucking awesome. We had over eighty people jumping and hooting and hollering for her when she got her diploma. It felt great. X1 later asked me why were those people cheering? I said because they love my kid. Deal with it. Oh yeah.

Afterwards I took the girls to the store and got them each a bottle of champagne. We had a little celebration at the house. And yes, I got myself a bottle too. Their bottles were split amongst people, mine went right to me. X1 left her car at the restaurant and had driven with her parents so her husband asked if I could drive him back to the car on my way back to the hotel. That's where the fun started.

We got to the restaurant and I asked him if he REALLY was in a hurry to go back. He hemmed and hawed for a second and then we ended up in the bar. The best part was when I told this woman next to us -- "See this? I am the ex-husband, he is the soon to be ex-husband, and the kid we raised together just graduated. This is how life should be!". The bartender ended up buying us a round after that smart ass remark. Man did he dump on me last night. All the shit we have left unsaid for the last 15 years came out. He is a great guy and I wish him the best in dealing with X1. He has 10 more years to go until their kids are done. He is totally jealous of me since I am d-o-n-e. We ended up having way too much to drink but had a great time regardless. I ended up back at the hotel somewhere around 1am.

All in all, a good day. The kid made it. I survived it. Let's do the next part -- her moving in...

Y3 D6

My 'little' girl graduates today. Holy fuck. Where have the last 18 years gone? What have I done? Have I accomplished a fucking thing in the last 18 years? Twice divorced, alone, and an alcoholic. What a life.

Worked yesterday. Actually managed to really start understanding the product. It was one of those days where the time just flew by because I was buried in learning things. I took an early train in to have a full day since I am out today and tomorrow. I am about to drive for five hours for the graduation, then load the car tomorrow morning and bring the kid back for the next phase of both of our lives.

Got home around 6:30 and tried to do laundry. All the machines were full because of the coin machine being down all weekend. Said the hell with it and got up early this morning and started laundry at 4:30. I need some of the clothes in there for today. I also need to go to the store and get cat food before I leave. And gas. And rabbit food. Man this is a busy morning already. Argh.

Watched a documentary on Bukowski last night before bed. I envy and idolize guys like that. So free and yet so disturbed all at the same time. I wish in some ways I had did things like him when I was younger. Just be free. Free to wander and write.