Y3 D11

Ok here's what happened on Saturday - everything was fine during the day, the kid and I did some stuff around the house like taking care of the rabbits and the cat, packing for our trip, and just relaxing. We both slept in the afternoon to make sure we were awake and ready to go for our planned 1am departure. Everything was great, until about 9pm. At 9 I was chatting online with a friend when they said:

'So guess what - X2's in a relationship'
'Oh (slam in my stomach), how do you know?'
'Well she never posts on fb and I didn't even realize we were still connected until I saw she updated her status from 'it's complicated' to 'in a relationship'. I mean come on it's been two years, it can't bug you that much'.

They are right, it shouldn't bug me that much but it did. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know why, it just did. Pit in my stomach still just typing this. It's not like I have been a celibate monk the last two years and I doubt she has either, but it's the public acknowledgement that hit. Especially since I have been alone for these last eight months. If I was with someone right now or even had someone on the horizon it wouldn't have hurt so much. But I don't and it did. This led to poor decision making. We headed out to the show where I proceeded to drink way too much. So much that I don't remember the show, I don't remember anything except the kid telling me we were home as I was passed out in the back seat of my car. Needless to say we didn't leave at 1 as planned. We ended up leaving at 7:30 yesterday. Took 12 hours to drive to my dad's place and we made it in one piece.

I tried explaining to the kid why I did what I did and all I could tell her was there are many pains in this life that I can try and protect you from, but the pain of a broken heart isn't one of them. When the time comes and someone rips your heart out, you will understand why I acted the way I did last night. There are no excuses for it, but it's the most honest I can be about it.

I publicly apologized in our cast mailing list. I haven't heard the backlash from my actions yet, but I am sure it is coming. I hope that I don't get kicked off cast for this one. I don't think I did anything too out of line other than be a stupid drunk. We will see.

Right now I am on vacation so fuck it. I am good with work, good with my head, still not good with the thought of X2 being happy though. I think in part I wanted her to suffer longer, but hey, it's time to grow up and realize she left me and move on. I do plan when I get back home to take anything in the house that belonged to her, pictures, etc, put them in a box and send them off to her dad. Time to truly sever the fucking cord.