Y3 D12

The pain's not ashamed to repeat itself...


I am doing a little better today but not 100%. I don't know why it's eating at me the way it is. It's stupid. On a purely logical level I know this. I know I am being an idiot. I can't go back, I don't want to go back, but yet there it is. Hanging out there over my goddamn head like the sword of Damocles. I am back to wanting to put the gun in my mouth and pull the fucking trigger. Just make it all stop. I feel worthless, ugly, and not worthy of love. And what is love anyway? Chemical reactions? Undying devotion? Partnership? What the fuck does it mean? How can I find 'love' when I don't even LIKE myself right now? What a wasted life.

Spent the day with my sister and her kid yesterday. We drove my niece's friend home and bummed around the 'city'. Compared to everything else around here it was definitely a city. The girls had fun. As long as everyone else is happy and no one knows what is going on inside this head of mine, then I guess we're okay, right?

Made my sister and her family dinner last night - two different types of crepes. One set with salmon the other with chicken, both with mushrooms, spinach, dill, onion, and a nice cream sauce. Served it with sliced tomatoes and couscous. For dessert I did strawberry banana crepes with nutella. They were happy. Everyone is happy. But me. I am dying inside a little bit more every day. Fuck it. Let the whole thing die. Let it just end.