Y3 D26

It hit me yesterday morning that I am seriously depressed. Not in a suicidal way (yet?) but definitely in a way that is affecting my thought process, my interactions with other human beings, my ability to find satisfaction in activities, and my ability to find joy in even the thought of being in a relationship. I wonder if underlying subconscious thoughts are causing me to NOT find a partner. Is there some part of my brain that knows I am fucked up and is holding me back? Or is it something as simple as putting myself in the right places at the right time? I don't know. This is the type of thoughts that lead me to think I am severely depressed. I spend too much time these days thinking about X2 and her relationship. In part that's easy enough to analyze -- I am not in a relationship and she is. Period. No major thinking needed there. If I were with someone right now, then I wouldn't be spending any time dwelling on her status. At least I like to tell myself that. I like think that I could move forward if I had something to move forward to. Add to that the dwelling I was doing on the ride in to work on the train. I look around and see these people who are late twenties or early thirties and see they are starting their careers, their lives -- they have their whole future still ahead of them. Where am I? 42, almost 4 fucking 3, and no where near where I should be. Of course, this begs the question, who defines where I 'should be'? Part of these thoughts came from when on the train I passed a mini-storage place. That might sound weird, but let me elaborate. A few years back X2 wanted to invest in some stocks. One of which was a mini-storage company. At the time there was talk that the housing market might be in danger and this would create an entire market of people with households of furniture and nowhere to put it. Obviously this happened and many of the storage sticks have grown like crazy. This made me think about where X2 is right now financially. Is she happy she doesn't have to deal with my bullshit? Has she been able to make the strides she so desperately craved when we were together? Now that she doesn't have the burdens I created when we were together, how is she doing? Is she vacationing in the Keys having champagne poolside while I am spending 12 hours driving for vacation because I couldn't easily afford a plane ticket? And why do I even care? There's the 64,000 dollar question - Why do I even fucking care? Anger? Jealousy?

Oh wait - these are topics we have rehashed ten thousand fucking times in my writings. Yeah, that's kind of my point. Normal people move forward. Normal people don't get lost in the quagmire of the past. Only people with fucked up heads do this. Only people who are depressed about everything do this.

I can fake it. I faked it in the morning on an 8am kickoff call with a client. I put on my happy smiley professional mask and made it through the hour. Afterwards? Afterwards I started digging into my brain and all these thoughts arose. I need to find a new doctor/therapist/shrink to work through these issues. Maybe now I can afford one with my new insurance. I can't keep these masks on indefinitely. Because I am faking it more and more with the wrong people. I don't want to have to pretend I am happy when I am around people from cast or even my own fucking kid. 

Amazing how I can go from having a great day to feeling like shit so rapidly. And while we are at it, why do I have this never ending desire to punish myself? Why do I feel like I have to make restitution for all my past deeds? Especially when those deeds weren't so goddamn bad in the first place. At least not to me...