Y4 D262

Hello. How are you? I am doing well thanks. Yes, I know it is early, but it's not a bad thing. I always know when I sleep well because I sleep in chunks. Last night was one of those nights - 9:45 - 11:15, 11:30 - 3:00, 3:00-6:30. All solid, all good. I actually feel awake and refreshed this morning even if it is not quite 7 on a Sunday morning. Had a really nice day yesterday. Still tired of KBF and want to punch him in the face, but that's a different story. Also still frustrated with the kid, but that too is a different story. This is my story dammit and they are but bit players. Yeah that's a lie. They tend to be major roles, don't they?

Woke up and was leisurely in the morning. Made french toast for the kid before she went off to the beach with dumbass. Who goes to the beach in February? Apparently he does. He is an idiot. We watched the latest Supernatural. Everybody Hates Hitler. Yes, yes they do. Finally got our Nazi Zombies.  I really think they are trying some different things for possible spinoffs. I said that before when they had the werewolf girl which would have made a great spinoff. In the last few episodes we have seen the return of Charlie (a show about a lesbian programmer forced into hunting? Yeah, I'd watch that) and now this whole Men of Letters storyline with grandpa. Tell me that's not spinoff material. Sam and Dean find remaining Men of Letters or their descendants and bam, we have a whole new show. Speculation, but good speculation. And where the hell is Cas???

Okay, I admit too much thought went into that last paragraph, but it's my fandom people and I love it. After watching that and the kid going off to the beach I went and ran errands. Made videos of my day for B. She had her birthday party and a dinner last night. It kind of works right now that she is three hours ahead of me. As she was heading off to dinner I was taking a nap. At around 4 I met my buddy at the pub. We were supposed to meet at 5 but he changed last minute. Turns out because he had been at another bar from 8:30am. That has turned into his MO lately. He drops the girls off at school at like 8, hits the bar from 8 until 1, sleeps for two hours, picks the girls up. I chewed his ass out for this. He has an interview on Monday with one of the major hospitals in the area and if he fucks this up he is screwed. He needs this job. His ex-wife is draining money from him right and left and he isn't stopping her because 'he loves her'. Fuck that noise. I did that when I was 20. You don't do it in your 40s brother. You put your goddamn foot down. No don't look at my life, just listen to my advice. I am much better at other people's lives than my own. Yeah, take that. He hung out until just before 6. I stayed until about 7:30. I did really well. He owed me so he bought me two drinks and then this nice table bought me a drink because I had overhead their conversation and jumped into it offering some advice. See above. This was right up my alley though. They were having a conversation about eliminating cable and just having things like Netflix and Hulu. I had to get into that conversation. Because of that, they bought me a drink. I ended up paying for one drink and an order of fries. Not bad for 3.5 hours at the pub. Headed home and made a pizza for me and the kid before she had to head off to work. Sat on the couch and texted with B until I passed out for a little while. But not a bad pass out, just a  sleepy time kind. That was 9:45-11:15. I woke up, texted B to see how she was doing. She was calling it a night too. She was staying at her friend's because too much tequila and vodka in one night will do that to you. I don't expect to hear from her for a few more hours. And that will probably be a groggy conversation.

One last item of interest from yesterday was X1 did something useful. She transferred over $175 towards the kid's new laptop. I placed the order this morning for in store pickup. A nice 16" Samsung laptop and a Wacom tablet which she needs for her design projects. $650 for everything out the door. Not bad. The laptop should last her a good 3-4 years and it's the base Wacom but it too will get her feet wet and be what she needs for now.  I will get an email in a little while confirming store pickup which tell you what I will be doing today.

Tonight I am hitting my friend's house around 6:30 for a kiki. I have not seen them in a while and it is time for a kiki dammit. We are doing brunch for dinner. I am making a quiche, they are supplying the mimosas. Before that? Who knows as I have hours to go...

Y4 D261

A little over 100 days in this year's writings. Will we need a year 5? Probably. Because life isn't a fairy tale and while I have high hopes for next week I also have learned that my hopes usually get destroyed by something.

Taught my last class for the week yesterday. It went right up to the mark. Good class from my perspective. Another long ass day, but worth it. I really do enjoy teaching this particular class. After class I really had nothing to do. Technology was pissing me off in one form or another. I tried watching some episodes of Batman but it kept burping on the stream. I think today I may hardwire a couple of things just to shut them up.

Little bit of drama last night but I tried to stay out of it. Last Saturday at the show there was an incident with one of the new members and our lighting guy. He is something of a grumpy curmudgeon and not really liked by folks because of his surly attitude. He can be very off putting especially when you get into his little world. We had a newer cast member bring more new cast members with them which is a good thing. However no one bothered to tell me in advance that there would be new cast members and then I got surprised with 'they will be helping to shadow spotlight'. That is something that continues to frustrate me; if I am a department head, how about letting me know before hand that there will be new people AND that they will be working with my team? Logic, pretty flower that smells bad. Also the person who brought the new cast members was being a bit of an arrogant jerk himself in the sense that 'hey I brought new people you should all be listening to me'. I don't have anything really against this guy, but I also don't like being TOLD what to do when I am in the middle of 900 other things. I have a co-head who vanishes all the time to get stoned and refuses to do things. He leaves early and I get stuck picking up the pieces. To add to this right before show time that you want someone to shadow spotlight without giving me advance warning so I can warn the spot guy?? Not good. So the newish guy sends a nastygram via email to me and the directors last night saying how the spot guy's behavior was unacceptable, rude, etc. He's right. I can't argue with him on that. That of course led to a flurry of phone calls and texts from all parties that I was in no mood to deal with after the long week I had. I essentially got chewed out by the spot guy because I wasn't addressing the issue. The issue? The issue is you're a grump. Can't fix that. Now our director is calling him today and who knows how that will play out. Frankly I want out of it because I have no authority anyway. I show up, I do my job, I leave. All I can do in this case.

B and I talked our usual many hours. Don't think the infatuation has stopped. It's actually just becoming part of the norm and there's not a whole lot to say on it. She is becoming integrated into my life. In five days we will see how integrated...

Y4 D260

Good class yesterday. The kind with really positive follow up and feedback. The class I taught yesterday and continue teaching today is one of my favorites. It's one where I know the material cold. I have been doing the things in the class for almost 15 years and it shows. I don't even need to look at the slides any more to know what comes next. That's the kind of class it is. I had 15 people on the class and when it's that large I get the energy from them as well. Class went all day as expected. After class I worked on my puzzle and watched Batman. Also discovered I was three episodes behind on Supernatural. Thank goodness for friends who know how to find shit. I really would prefer to find these things sometimes on my own but for some reason I am apparently an idiot when it comes that. Like I am looking for a PDF or MOBI version of a book for B and seem to be stupid on finding. Speaking of B, we talked as usual yesterday. She went out drinking for her birthday and got my first drunk texts from her last night. I could see she was slipping into the dark place a little and gave her space. One of these days we will all remember that alcohol is a depressant, won't we? While I was working on my puzzle kid and KBF arrived home. I am getting sick of them. Seriously. Once again they spent most of the night making out on the couch. At one point I did look over and say 'you know that's fucking annoying right?'. Did they take the hint? Nope. SO I retaliated by putting on Phantom of the Paradise and leaving the room with the remote. Take that. That's it. That was my day. Another day of training today followed possibly by a trip to the pub, or I may just stay in and hide all weekend. We shall see.

Y4 D259

Having a hard time this morning. Kind of fuzzy and for no good reason. I got a decent amount of sleep - went to bed around 10:30, up at 5:15. That's not optimal but it certainly doesn't explain my level of exhaustion today. Maybe I am just feeling the effects of training so many days in a row. I always enjoy it from an accomplishment perspective, but it definitely takes it toll on my mental and physical state.

Did day 2 of 4 yesterday. Up and ready for day 3 today. Trained until 2 yesterday, took a brief nap, then really didn't do much of anything else. Watched some more Batman. I am almost through season 1 of that show. Only 900+ episodes of television left to watch and a few hundred movies. I do sometimes feel sorry for the future of television, but then again I said that years ago about newspapers and somehow they have managed to carry on. Albeit not in the same popularity they were a decade ago. I know I don't feel bad about not having pay television any more.

Had spaghetti for dinner. Ended up giving me massive cramps.

God I am boring. I need an adventure. And in one week I will have one. Just have to make it a week. I felt a case of the darkness creeping in a bit last night. I think it was because B was out with friends and the kid wasn't home and it was 7pm on a Wednesday, dark and alone. It was too cold to walk anywhere, I don't want to spend any money until next weekend, and it felt like the black cloud was starting to settle in again. I can feel its presence lurking off to the side. I have to fight it. Have to keep it at bay.

Y4 D258

I forgot to bring something up the other day but I guess it's okay because the final part of it happened yesterday. Saturday night at the show SG was there. She was only there for a minute to drop off someone else, but she was there. I wasn't expecting to see her and it hit me odd because it's her. She was very cold to me as expected but yesterday I was on FB and realized she had sent me a message I hadn't seen. Explained more why she was so cold. As far as I am concerned, until proven otherwise, I am in a relationship with B. I always told SG that the minute I was in a real relationship our little play time was over. I think she thought she could have her cake and eat it too forever. It doesn't work that way. Not everyone is okay with their significant other having virtual, and randomly real, sex with someone else. The message I read from her yesterday said she loved me and she couldn't fight for me, etc. I think on Saturday maybe she was hoping I would fight for her. Unfortunately I hadn't seen it. Turns out this was the last time she was going to be in the area. I responded that she never loved me. I was always a distraction and deep down she knew it. Had things been different in the summer and she hadn't lied to me about where her marriage was going maybe things would be different right now. I also told her that I would never forget our time together in person as it did mean something to me. Maybe not the same as what it meant to her, but it did mean something. But the truth is we would have never worked in the long run. There was too much going on in her head and world that I would never be part of unfortunately.

Her response to my message? 'Ok'. Yeah, that's that. Don't think I didn't care for her, because I did. In our way we did love each other but it was so damaged and fucked up that it always was, what it was. Unhealthy. Damaged. Broken.

What I have learned over the last two months is I need someone like B. I need someone who can be stable and predictable and wants all the boring shit I rail against on the outside but deep down really need to be healthy. Remember how I felt when I had LO? The ups and downs, the insanity? For what? Sex with a 23 year old? Good sex, yes, but at what price? That's SG. Weird ass kinky uninhibited sex, but at what price? I could never keep the pace with her. I was always out of my league in some ways. I don't need that. I don't want vanilla either, but there has to be middle ground. 2013 - the year of middle ground! Seriously though, tell me things haven't been boring to read lately. I don't care, it's GOOD for my mind. No giant dips, no wild adventures. No puking on the side of the road. No $200 bar bills that I can't remember. No, take yesterday - training, few episodes of Batman, steak for dinner. Bed. That's how life should be more often than not. And B can give me that PLUS sex. Plus real love. Someone who wants boring shit without being boring. I crave that stability more than I can ever admit. I crave being needed and wanted and the protector. She wants all that. Mark my damn words, if things click as well physically when I see her in 8 days, this is it. This is the end of the adventure for me. I will live the Great American Nightmare, but under my terms. I won't end up a doormat like before. But I will become that person I should have been 15 years ago.

And yes, 8 days. It's official now. I booked my hotel and flight yesterday. I will be there for five days next week. Valentine's Day through Monday. I get 5 days of 1:1 time to see if we are truly as compatible as we seem to be. People might think it weird that I have met someone online far away and I am already interested in a future with her. I know at least three couples who met online in one form or another and have made it work. They spent months never seeing each other face to face. I think in some ways it's great because we have gotten to know each other on such a different level than just physical. We have asked so many questions of each other that we know all the little things. People always say you can work through the little things but that's not true. The little things turn into the big issues. We have already knocked out a lot of that in our relationship. Stupid stuff like which way the toilet paper should hang. I wasn't able to use as many points as I wanted on this trip, but in the end it was $200 for 5 days for everything. That's not bad at all. We both have countdown timers set on our phones. As of this moment it is 8 days 6 hours and 35 minutes until we see each other face to face and my future takes shape.

Y4 D257

Had a horrible dream last night. It was a show dream. We were at a local stadium preparing to do a show. Like 10,000 people in attendance and nothing was going right. There was this serious excitement in the air but I was so stressed out it was insane. It was like 5 minutes until showtime and I couldn't find things, people weren't where they were supposed to be, I couldn't find my pass to get on stage, it was a nightmare through and through. Just a serious stress dream. The day itself wasn't bad. Got ready for today's training. Doing this all week which is good as it will keep me busy for the rest of the week and it looks like I have some things lined up for next week already too. Perfect. I did want to try and play some video games last night but it would seem I have no usable batteries in this house. I was really wanting to play a stupid Mario game but I would have needed six AA batteries as all the batteries here are dead. I was not about to go to the store oh wait I couldn't because I had no car. The next time I see KBF I am going to see about working with him to convince the kid to get her car in order. She needs to  stop using mine constantly. Yeah, I know, I have been saying that for a year. It just hasn't been a serious issue until recently. I did watch a couple episodes of Batman the Animated Series. One of the best animated shows ever done in my opinion. Great acting, beautiful to look at, etc. I do have one slight problem going on today. I broke my chair last night. It's not like it's a fancy chair - cost me $20 but it does present a problem if I am going to be sitting in it for the next four days. I will see what I can do about it. Time to get ready to talk to myself all day....

Y4 D256

It seems I did good yesterday. I have to knock this off before it becomes a habit. I passive aggressively spoke my mind about what happened at the show Saturday night on Facebook. I have been using it very little these days and what I wrote struck a nerve with all the right people. Enough that my director's called me and practically forced me and the kid to go over there last night. I am glad we did. They ended up getting a cake for the kid's birthday. Deep down they are good people. Frustrating at times, but good people.

Worked on my puzzle, watched a couple of movies, made mac and cheese, cleaned the house, took a nap, played some Diablo, talked to B, and went to there house. Home by 10:30, in bed and asleep just a little after midnight.

I successfully managed to not see a single minute of the StupidBowl. Not one commercial not one play, nothing. Talked about that with B yesterday. We are both in full agreement there will never be any sports in our house by our own choosing. Don't even have to pretend to care with her. Thank god. No stupid ass sports or going to sports parties. I should mention that the little shindig last night purposely took place AFTER the game. They didn't watch it either and it was nice to be amongst people who didn't bring it up even once.

Teaching four classes this week. Waiting for all the details right now so I can spend the day prepping. Welcome to Monday.

Y4 D255

I am awake. I should be sleeping since I didn't get home until after 3. But I wanted to be up for B since she has to work all day. It's stupidbowl Sunday and wait let me see.... nope don't care. Yesterday was pretty good. Slept in, unlike today. Ran some errands. Found two more Disney movies for the collection. Took a nap. Made spaghetti for dinner.

Was alone most of the day. Still am. Kid is out enjoying her birthday.

So last night the show was okay. From our perspective the show itself was good, but of course there was drama.

The two people who shouldn't be at a show decided to show up. What pisses me off is they think they are being so cool - 'oh look at us we are telling her to stick it and standing up for ourselves'. No all you are doing is creating fucking drama for the rest of us. WE are the ones who end up paying for this shit. From a grumpy director to a half hour after show meeting WE deal with the repercussions not you. So you know what? Stay the fuck home. They showed up late on purpose to make sure that it would be harder to get them ejected. Different theater different rules. Whatever. They tried to talk to me but I ignored them. I'm sorry but I knew it would just end in drama and I did not want them to think I approved of their behavior. Fucking immature little children.

Sigh. Anyway, got home at 3. Going to finish up here then do some cleaning. Staying hidden away today away from the football idiots.

Y4 D254

I SLEPT IN! WHEE!!! Okay I didn't go to bed until 2, but still. No alarms, no nothing. I just slept. How wonderful. I had a pretty good day yesterday. Taught my class, which ended up finishing a little early because I didn't have to spend the majority of my time explaining where to click for once. It's always nice to have smart people on the roster.

Went to target and picked up a birthday present for the kid. I got her one of the monster high dolls she likes. It may not seem like a big present, but I also renewed her annual pass so technically she got a $630 present for her birthday. Her and I also had a long talk about things like that. I don't really have a good point of reference of where and when a parent should stop paying for certain things. We discussed what is appropriate and what isn't now that she is 20. Twenty. Jesus fuck. I have a 20 year old. As of tomorrow. In 14 hours my little baby will be 20. Sigh. And yet here I am thinking about getting married again and having more. Someone hit me in the head. On the other hand, I am okay with it. More than okay. I feel like I was in a coma for 15 years. Walking around in stasis missing out on all these things I should have done. I have this chance to do it all right this time and I am not going to let that chance slip by. I am actually excited about the possibility of doing these things again. Not being divorced this time. Watching my child grow up instead of being the away parent. Why shouldn't I take the chance? I am not dead.

I can never die...

Yeah right....

Came back home, ripped a couple of movies. Added three more to the Disney collection. Escape to Witch Mountain, Return from Witch Mountain, and Princess Diaries. Watched the latter while working on my puzzle. Made a nice trip tip roast for dinner. Played Diablo, talked to B, and went to bed.

A mighty fine day indeed.

Y4 D253

Rent paid. Welcome to February. That was a big one. Always take care of the important shit as soon as possible, right? No matter what else happens this month, I have a roof over my head. That's all that matters some days. I am tired. And it's not going to improve next week. Four days of training already scheduled. Plus today. Thank god it is friday. Get some rest in. I seriously have no plans for tonight or for tomorrow except for the show. My big plans are to go to Target tonight after training. Oh yeah, wild man. Then Diablo or work on my puzzle. That's it. I was going to go into the city but as of right now, I don't feel like it. I feel like hiding and doing nothing. I don't know how I am even going to make it through today. Luckily my class is tiny. Three students two of whom are internal. That makes it easy. It's the kid's birthday Sunday. Need to get her a small present. I plan on renewing her pass and that is a $600 present as far as I am concerned. This is the last year I do it. I have really been thinking about that. At what point do you say, okay, time for you to support yourself more. Time for you to pay for some of these things on your own. I think 21 is a good place to start doing that. I am not saying I will kick her out although she may end up leaving on her own. No I am saying that non-essentials like food and shelter need to start coming from her. That's not being unreasonable in my mind. Especially since at 21 I was almost married to her mother. Weird.

Taught all day. Went to the pub for a burger and a drink. Came home. Played Diablo, talked to B, went to bed.