Y4 D258

I forgot to bring something up the other day but I guess it's okay because the final part of it happened yesterday. Saturday night at the show SG was there. She was only there for a minute to drop off someone else, but she was there. I wasn't expecting to see her and it hit me odd because it's her. She was very cold to me as expected but yesterday I was on FB and realized she had sent me a message I hadn't seen. Explained more why she was so cold. As far as I am concerned, until proven otherwise, I am in a relationship with B. I always told SG that the minute I was in a real relationship our little play time was over. I think she thought she could have her cake and eat it too forever. It doesn't work that way. Not everyone is okay with their significant other having virtual, and randomly real, sex with someone else. The message I read from her yesterday said she loved me and she couldn't fight for me, etc. I think on Saturday maybe she was hoping I would fight for her. Unfortunately I hadn't seen it. Turns out this was the last time she was going to be in the area. I responded that she never loved me. I was always a distraction and deep down she knew it. Had things been different in the summer and she hadn't lied to me about where her marriage was going maybe things would be different right now. I also told her that I would never forget our time together in person as it did mean something to me. Maybe not the same as what it meant to her, but it did mean something. But the truth is we would have never worked in the long run. There was too much going on in her head and world that I would never be part of unfortunately.

Her response to my message? 'Ok'. Yeah, that's that. Don't think I didn't care for her, because I did. In our way we did love each other but it was so damaged and fucked up that it always was, what it was. Unhealthy. Damaged. Broken.

What I have learned over the last two months is I need someone like B. I need someone who can be stable and predictable and wants all the boring shit I rail against on the outside but deep down really need to be healthy. Remember how I felt when I had LO? The ups and downs, the insanity? For what? Sex with a 23 year old? Good sex, yes, but at what price? That's SG. Weird ass kinky uninhibited sex, but at what price? I could never keep the pace with her. I was always out of my league in some ways. I don't need that. I don't want vanilla either, but there has to be middle ground. 2013 - the year of middle ground! Seriously though, tell me things haven't been boring to read lately. I don't care, it's GOOD for my mind. No giant dips, no wild adventures. No puking on the side of the road. No $200 bar bills that I can't remember. No, take yesterday - training, few episodes of Batman, steak for dinner. Bed. That's how life should be more often than not. And B can give me that PLUS sex. Plus real love. Someone who wants boring shit without being boring. I crave that stability more than I can ever admit. I crave being needed and wanted and the protector. She wants all that. Mark my damn words, if things click as well physically when I see her in 8 days, this is it. This is the end of the adventure for me. I will live the Great American Nightmare, but under my terms. I won't end up a doormat like before. But I will become that person I should have been 15 years ago.

And yes, 8 days. It's official now. I booked my hotel and flight yesterday. I will be there for five days next week. Valentine's Day through Monday. I get 5 days of 1:1 time to see if we are truly as compatible as we seem to be. People might think it weird that I have met someone online far away and I am already interested in a future with her. I know at least three couples who met online in one form or another and have made it work. They spent months never seeing each other face to face. I think in some ways it's great because we have gotten to know each other on such a different level than just physical. We have asked so many questions of each other that we know all the little things. People always say you can work through the little things but that's not true. The little things turn into the big issues. We have already knocked out a lot of that in our relationship. Stupid stuff like which way the toilet paper should hang. I wasn't able to use as many points as I wanted on this trip, but in the end it was $200 for 5 days for everything. That's not bad at all. We both have countdown timers set on our phones. As of this moment it is 8 days 6 hours and 35 minutes until we see each other face to face and my future takes shape.