Y2 D232

Ok, I am a little freaked out right now. I woke up this morning and coughed up blood. Bright red strings. You're thinking what's the big deal, you've coughed up blood before - yeah, but that's when I have been out drinking and punishing myself. I haven't done anything lately. I have been trying to be healthy and good and not destroy things and now, now... Has it finally happened? Did all the years of abuse finally catch up to me? I am a little scared. I am now worried. Weird huh? All those times before it never bothered me because I thought I was indestructible. But right now reality has just hit me like a cold rag. What if it is something like cancer? What if this is it? The worst part is I have no one to share this with except you the faceless anonymous readers. Which is really like what, four of you? This is not good. I am alone, coughing blood, and scared that I finally have broken the body beyond repair for real. Maybe that's why I have been losing so much weight? I am down to 145 right now. Will I need chemo? Will it go into remission? All these questions. Of course I am afraid to go to a doctor because I don't want to hear it from a doctor that in fact there is something wrong. I am too young to die. Wow. Amazing how quickly the mind changes when there's a possibility on the table that it could be for real. I am freaking out...