Y2 D249

I managed to pull out of the tailspin again. I am getting much better at this I think. I spent the entire day inside with the exception of one trip to the grocery store. I am making dinner for my racist psycho grandmother and aunt tonight. Thanks to that damn article in the paper, they now want to taste my cooking. Sigh, fine, ok. Eight course meal on its way. I need to start prepping in a few.

But being in the house yesterday like that just gave me too much time to ponder and think. The enemy of sanity is time alone. I never understand why they put crazy people in solitary. Seems to me you would want to put them around groups of people to balance out the crazy. Too much time alone. Dangerous. I was starting to feel the alone-ness of my life about midday. I do sometimes still worry I will be alone forever and days like yesterday don't help.

Anyway, went to the grocery store. Spent about $70 but it wasn't all for tonight. Or at least I should say I will have leftovers that will take me through the week and beyond. For example they had cornish game hens on sale by one package get one free. For $7 I have four in the freezer right now. That equates out to roughly 7 or 8 meals for me by myself. When I break it down that way, it doesn't feel so bad. I have about $300 to last me the week, only have a couple of small bills left (about $150 total), and then it will be the weekend and the kid's birthday. I have a couple hundred sitting off to the side in emergency mode if I need it, but I am trying not to touch it. It's money I have to pay back if I touch it which perpetuates the vicious cycle but it's there if the shit hits the fan. I can manage. I have to manage, there's no other way around it, right?

Made myself some tacos around 6 or so. I had to drive the prop van last night which is one of the scariest things I have ever done. This thing is a 1970s Ford camper style van with shit brakes, leaks in a few places, a seat that doesn't move, no shoulder belt, and no radio. I was freaking out the whole time. Oh and it was on E the entire trip. The last 5 miles home were knuckle biters. I left early because I was worried about how long it would take in the van. One of the other tech folks went with me. That was interesting. She is a nice person, but socially retarded (self-admission). The drive up was very quiet. We got to the theater WAY early. Call time was 10:40 and we rolled in at 9:21. No one else was even in the bar yet. I looked at her and said, well, a movie starts at 9:25, want to see it? The theater ended up letting us in for free because we are Rocky folk and her and I saw "The Illusionist". It's a French film nominated for the Oscar in Best Animation. I had been wanting to see it and I highly recommend it. It was pretty damn good. Funny part was when the movie was over we come out into the lobby and there's the rest of cast. I start talking and someone tells me to keep my voice down because of the audience. We start laughing saying WE WERE THE AUDIENCE.

We nailed it last night. For the first time in weeks, we didn't get yelled at after the show. We had our timing down, we were invisible, we had all our props, etc. It was a GOOD show. The sense of accomplishment we all felt at the end was great. Our directors gave us a kudos in the lobby after and we were off. That really helped raise my spirits. Plus one of my co-cast could tell I was off a little and she just said a few kind words that helped shift my mental state. I have said it before and I will say it again - if I hadn't found this group of people, I don't think I would be alive right now. At least not in any healthy sort of way. This saved me. Better than God or booze. It gives me a light.

Got home around 3:30. Slept for six and now I have to go prep. 8 hours until I have to put on my mask for the 'family'.

Four days and I am the parent of an 18 year old... Jeeez.