Y3 D35

You know the difference between me and most people? I know how to be alone with my thoughts. I don't know whether this is good or bad some days, it's just a fact. I can be in my head where most people have to find ways to constantly distract themselves. I stand outside my office and I watch them plugged into their ipods or talking on their phones oblivious not only to the world around them but to the thoughts going on inside. Maybe I am too introspective but I think that for the most part I would rather be like this than disconnected from my own head. Maybe.


People tell me I have a lot going for me and I should just be patient. Really? I don't feel like I have very much going for me -- I am old, bald, in debt, emotionally scarred, damaged mentally, immature, unable to open up, unable to allow anyone truly inside my dark world, socially awkward, verbally retarded, I scare people, I am a fucking freak... shall I go on? What do I have to offer not only myself or a partner, but the world in general? Yeah yeah, I did one good thing - I fathered and raised one hell of a kid. I won't deny that, but come on, my fucking work is done. She is on her own path and really at this point all I can do is cause damage. It's not like anything I do at this point is going to HELP her. She has enough knowledge to get going. She has a hell of lot more support and stability than I ever did at her age. So what the fuck do I need to do to get the universe to help me out here? I don't know what to do any more. Self destruction isn't working any more. You can only push the boundaries so far before you just getting fucking bored. Exploring the depths of fetish and taboo doesn't work for me any longer. Again, just fucking bored with it all. It doesn't give me any pleasure. Ironic. Introspection? That creates rambles like this. Disconnecting? Possibly. But that bugs me. See paragraph one. Writing? My only outlet and even then I feel like I am using it too much. Self improvement? Why? What can I do that doesn't take money that I am not already doing? I am not fat or out of shape. For fuck's sake I walk almost 20 miles a week and don't fucking eat over 1000 calories a day. Not much more I can do there. So what? What limits have I not tested? What edge have I not pushed? What person have I not offended? Who haven't I shut out? What good will that do me any more? I try to be honest and open with people and get spit on in return. I get their backs turned on me. When I need human contact the most I get nothing. I get emptiness. Back in my shell all the way? Maybe. Maybe that's the only thing I am fucking good at and for -- being alone and letting the rest of the world getting on with its life. I know deep down I don't want to kill myself, but at the same time I appear to have no value to the world. The sad part is my natural self is normally confident but i feel so beaten down lately that I have lost it. Somewhere in my brain I know I am a god. I *KNOW* I am the best fucking thing in the world. But it's lost. It's so buried under all the depression and sadness that I don't know how to get it back any more. And I don't know how to put myself out there anymore. I keep trying and get no return. If my life was a startup company with investors, I would be demanding my money back at this point. I have tried online dating, spent HUNDREDS on the services alone not counting the 'dates' for which I had to pay. Tried meetup groups and found myself to be the square peg in a round hole. Yes, I have cast, but that's the ONLY thing giving me some outlet for human contact. But here I am almost a year later after joining and I am in the same fucking place. I changed jobs hoping it might spark something. It sure did - sore feet, tired calves, and longer days. Yes I am making more money and in the long term that will help some of my other issues, but it's not enough. It's never enough because there's only one thing I am really after -- human contact. Human connection. Love(????). Is that word even valid here any more? I don't know because I don't know what that means or entails any more. I have so often confused touch and intimacy with love that my view is warped. Fuck it. I'm done typing. 

YOU NEVER SAID I WOULD END UP LIKE THIS. WHY IS MY WOUND A FRONT DOOR TO YOU?

Y3 D34

Anyone who knows me or has read this blog for more than five minutes knows I can't stand forced socialization. It feels so phony and useless. Yesterday was "June Baby Cake Time". Okay, maybe that wasn't quite the official name, but it's close enough. They bring in a cake the size of a small country then force everyone into a conference room to sing to people. No thank you. After it was over I asked the office slut, I mean manager, to please make sure my name is not on the list for July and to not publicly acknowledge my birthday. She didn't seem too happy about that but agreed to my wishes.

I had a busy day at work, giant cake from hell withstanding, and the day kind of flew by. The only downside was the rain. What the fuck people? It's almost July. I shouldn't be scrambling to find a fucking umbrella because of the deluge going on outside. I am not exaggerating either, it was a deluge of water all fucking day. Luckily one of the girls had an extra umbrella in her desk.

Managed to get home only slightly soaked to a certified letter ticket on the door. From you know who. The good ol' IRS. They are redelivering Friday. Let's see how fucked this is going to be. Can they put me in jail? I don't know. But whatever. Take me away. At least then I would have a reason to put myself out of this fucking misery.

Y3 D33

I heard from J yesterday. Yes, the original J. The one who still owes me money. Supposedly she is sending me a check. I hate to be cynical, but I will believe it when I see it. The interesting thing is she has started a new website for her 'healing' practice. I use the word in quotes because to me it is such bullshit. She claims she can heal your inner troubles via email or phone, you don't even have to go in person. Yeah right. We were together for almost six months and the only thing she ever healed were my blue balls.

If it were a scam or something to make her millions I could get behind it. But she really believes this shit. Whatever.

Other news, went to work, came home, had pho with the kid, watched a bad italian horror movie, went to bed. There's my fucking life in a nutshell. No I am not discounting the fun I had over the weekend, but there are certain aspects to it that still bug me. I wish that my weekend also included a partner to share the fun I had. Someone who will be here when the fun is over and it's just us again. Someone for the rest of the hours when I am alone and feeling worthless and old.

Speaking of old, 10 days until my birthday. Big fucking whoop.

Y3 D32

You know you had an insane weekend when Monday morning comes around and you are happy to be headed off to work. That about sums up the entirety of my weekend.

We left off at 4am Sunday morning. We got back to my place and there were about six of us total. Everyone decided to catch a quick nap before heading back into the city for the parade and festivities. I went off to my room, the kid off to hers, and four in the living room. Thank goodness for chairs and couches. We all crashed out for about 3 hours and at 7:30 right back at it.

After getting everyone motivated with morning cigarettes and rockstars, we had everything packed up and headed out to the train station around 8:30. Holy crap. The train was packed like sardines. Everybody and their mother was on the train. We smashed our way through and found an area where it wasn't too bad. That's when the fun started. Since part of our job was to flyer the hell out of the city for the show, we started in on the train. You know how I can get and I let loose with the sales pitches. Next thing I know, one of our guys is stripped down to his gold shorts from the show, we are surrounded by 20 something and younger girls and gay guys and we are everybody's best friend. Mind you, we are still on the train. Then the jello shots came out. They loved us so much they were buying and giving us jello shots. STILL ON THE TRAIN. We get off the train in the city and the horde starts making its way up to the main drag. It's about 10 at this point and the parade is just about to start. We all decided to hit Del Taco to pee and get some food in us before the day begins.

I haven't seen actual numbers but it felt like a million people were out on the streets. Everything from conservatively dressed normal people to helicopter man. More on him in a minute. After getting food in our bellies and urine from our bladders we started off flyering and walking the crowd. For the next 4.5 hours we walked up and down the street talking with groups of people. watching the parade, having our pictures taken and taking pictures. We had to have handed out at least 500 flyers. Since we were all dressed from the show the previous night, people wanted pictures of us which was fun. See, at a gay pride parade everyone assumes your gay - I was getting  hugs and touches from girls all day. They say you need a certain amount of touch in your life to feel connected and I should be good for a month from yesterday. I worry about what is out there on the internet today but who cares. The kid was right next to me all day so it's not like I have anything to explain later or be embarrassed about. Except for helicopter man (hm). He in his own right was a center of attention. Let me explain...

This guy and his friends decided to push the limits of public decency. There were four or five of them and most were dressed very skimpy but at least had their junk covered. Not hm. He was full blown swinging in the wind. His trick was to stand and spin things like a helicopter. Well he wanted his picture with US. Um, ok. That was about the only moment where I felt weird that my kid was with me. Here I am standing next to a butt naked guy spinning his dick around like a helicopter. Sigh. Oh well.

We headed back to the starting point around 2 and me, the kid, and one more of our group decided to call it a day. We headed back to the train station and made it back home around 3. After showering and stripping off the day, the kid and I ate leftover pizza, watched ONE episode of X-Files and proceeded to fall asleep. She conked out around 6:30 where as I made it all the way until 7:30. I fell asleep in one of the chairs, her on the couch. Around 9 I stumbled off to the bedroom and when I woke up at 12:30 she was in her room. Fell back to sleep until 5.

All in all, I had a great time. I wish I had someone to share these adventures with, but at least I am having adventures. The day wasn't conducive to meeting anyone, but it was still a good time. I can't wait until next year...

Y3 D31

Oh my god, the last 36-40 hours have been so insane I almost forgot to post!! It has been so crazy so I have to try and make sure I only post for Saturday's adventures.

Okay, the day started with me helping a friend move into his first house. We used the cast van and luckily only made one trip, but we started at like 9:30 and didn't finish until 1:30. I had some mixed feelings while I was helping him move. It made me remember how much I miss owning something of my own. Not necessarily a house where I have to worry about yard work and the like, but a place that's mine and if I want to knock down a wall or change something, I have that option. I felt a bit nostalgic on that front. Got back home and then took a nap since I knew I would be going strong for a while. About 9 we headed out to the show. The kid and I went all decked out as it was a big weekend where I live. It's pride weekend and everyone is over the top and having a blast so we both went decked out to join in the fun.

The show was good, not great as I had some issues with one of the folks on my team, another one got caught drinking (she is under age and we don't allow that for liability reasons), and some props were missing. Between all that my director and I were both really pissed off. Oh and my co-head got pulled over for a busted taillight and possession of marijuana on his way to the show. LUCKILY he had so little on him that the cop confiscated and let him go, but it delayed our prop arrival by 30 minutes and we were scrambling. Once the show itself got underway things were better, but there were some tense moments.

Did the show, headed to pie. I will stop there because that takes up to 4am and that's a whole different story...

Y3 D30

My commercial went out yesterday! So far it has a whopping 32 views. Oh well. I am trying to push it (there's a link on my facebook page for those of you who know my actual identity. Go watch it!!) but so far slow going. Had a really good day yesterday.

I did spend a little bit of it in my head, but not too much and not in a really bad way. Just more in some introspective thinking going on kind of way. I was thinking about how much more free I am these days to truly be me. This is not a bad thing. I can be who I want to be not who others want me to be even if who I want to be doesn't always line up with others expectations of who I should be. Got that? Good. Moving on...

Went to work and spent the majority of the day in a training class. Followed by another 3 or so hours of document writing. Work was uneventful and pretty mellow. After work, the kid met me and we tried again our adventure from last Friday. This time it worked much better. We went and did some quick shopping, nothing major as we were looking for one stupid thing for tonight's show. Didn't find it, but we got to spend some time together. We then met one of my friends and had indian food. MUCH better and less expensive place. Real authentic food too. I was definitely happier about that part of it. We then went to her car after a taxi ride that scared us all. I mean this guy was nuts. I know I drive quickly, but he got us all the way across the city in $11 which is insane. It should have been a $20 cab ride but this guy hit warp speed. Afterwards my friend told me she had her eyes closed for half the ride.

Got back to my place around 9:30 or so and the three of us sat and watched a movie. Had some wine, watched a bad Nicky Cage movie and she left around 1. A good relaxing day.

Today I am helping a friend move this morning followed by a show tonight. THEN THE PARADE TOMORROW!!

Y3 D29

A good long day yesterday. I took an early train as I was trying to get in a little earlier to have a meeting with my client. Problem was it was TOO early. I was trying to take the 6:13 and ended up on the 5:54. While I was happy to be in the office early, it just made for an awfully long day. I got home around 5:40 and then took off to help a friend shoot an online commercial for his company's software product. That took until 11:30. I didn't get into bed until midnight last night.

Overall it was a pretty boring day to be honest with you. The shooting for the commercial was fun. I am actually the star of the commercial and we shot about 19 scenes (all 1 - 2 seconds) in about 3 hours. Then we did some quick edits. It should be going online some time today. It will be an online only ad campaign for now, but I am under contract with them for another 15 hours of shooting over six months. What do I get out of this? A motorola xoom. Oh yeah. Another case where a toy is easier to get approved than cash.

Ok, boring stuff. Off to work. Maybe tomorrow I will tell you about my shopping adventure at lunch yesterday...

Y3 D28

Worked from home yesterday. First time doing so at the new company. I had an appointment at 8:30 and if I tried to take the train afterwards, I would have missed at least one if not two meetings. Right now I am in the middle of requirements gathering with a client and most of the day was spent on the phone with her. Add to that a training session and it wasn't a big deal that I worked remotely. The day did manage to speed by somehow though. It seemed like I was getting up and next thing I know it's 5pm. I kind of like that. I did also manage to get laundry done. Holy crap the kid has massive laundry. I ended up doing three loads yesterday because of her. I did do towels and all mine, but still she added a whole extra load. Damn good thing she got a job. Speaking of that she went yesterday and filled out her paperwork. She is officially employed and starts on the 30th. I am very proud of her. She has to go to a Safeway orientation and a union orientation, but whatever. It's a job, she got it on her own, and she is handling it. Very impressed. Point being, she will get paid weekly and even with the union deductions she will get about $175 a week after taxes. For her this will be great. I plan to have her give me $50 a week towards household stuff, like laundry and gas, but I will probably put half of it away in savings. A hundred extra a month will be great for me and that will still give her a hundred a month going into savings she doesn't know about. Winning. Made a nice spinach salad and grilled cheese for dinner. After dinner we went over to my director's house just to hang out. About 8 of us total just hanging out and shooting the shit. Nice to be amongst friends. Got home around 11 and off to bed. I took an early train this morning which I will NOT do again. More on that tomorrow.

Y3 D27

Big news first - the kid got a job. She goes in today to fill out her paperwork. She is now an employee of Starfuckers inside of a Safeway. Upside? She's employed! Downside? She has to join a union and is about to be an employee of a company I can't stand. But the upside outweighs my personal opinions 10000:1 on this one.

Honestly that's about the only thing of interest that happened yesterday. Went to work, spent 2.5 hours on the phone with a client reviewing requirements, sat through another 3-4 hours of training, came home. We did a big plate of fruit last night for dinner since neither of us wanted anything hot. We did go have a celebratory fro-yo for dessert.

Watched a movie called SLC Punk followed by one episode of X-Files. We have been watching for over a week now and we're only 19 episodes into it. Only 183 to go. Plus the movie.

Went to bed around 10ish. My mind is still not where it should be regarding everything else, but I am putting the mask on, burying it down, and moving forward. It's all I can do.

Y3 D26

It hit me yesterday morning that I am seriously depressed. Not in a suicidal way (yet?) but definitely in a way that is affecting my thought process, my interactions with other human beings, my ability to find satisfaction in activities, and my ability to find joy in even the thought of being in a relationship. I wonder if underlying subconscious thoughts are causing me to NOT find a partner. Is there some part of my brain that knows I am fucked up and is holding me back? Or is it something as simple as putting myself in the right places at the right time? I don't know. This is the type of thoughts that lead me to think I am severely depressed. I spend too much time these days thinking about X2 and her relationship. In part that's easy enough to analyze -- I am not in a relationship and she is. Period. No major thinking needed there. If I were with someone right now, then I wouldn't be spending any time dwelling on her status. At least I like to tell myself that. I like think that I could move forward if I had something to move forward to. Add to that the dwelling I was doing on the ride in to work on the train. I look around and see these people who are late twenties or early thirties and see they are starting their careers, their lives -- they have their whole future still ahead of them. Where am I? 42, almost 4 fucking 3, and no where near where I should be. Of course, this begs the question, who defines where I 'should be'? Part of these thoughts came from when on the train I passed a mini-storage place. That might sound weird, but let me elaborate. A few years back X2 wanted to invest in some stocks. One of which was a mini-storage company. At the time there was talk that the housing market might be in danger and this would create an entire market of people with households of furniture and nowhere to put it. Obviously this happened and many of the storage sticks have grown like crazy. This made me think about where X2 is right now financially. Is she happy she doesn't have to deal with my bullshit? Has she been able to make the strides she so desperately craved when we were together? Now that she doesn't have the burdens I created when we were together, how is she doing? Is she vacationing in the Keys having champagne poolside while I am spending 12 hours driving for vacation because I couldn't easily afford a plane ticket? And why do I even care? There's the 64,000 dollar question - Why do I even fucking care? Anger? Jealousy?

Oh wait - these are topics we have rehashed ten thousand fucking times in my writings. Yeah, that's kind of my point. Normal people move forward. Normal people don't get lost in the quagmire of the past. Only people with fucked up heads do this. Only people who are depressed about everything do this.

I can fake it. I faked it in the morning on an 8am kickoff call with a client. I put on my happy smiley professional mask and made it through the hour. Afterwards? Afterwards I started digging into my brain and all these thoughts arose. I need to find a new doctor/therapist/shrink to work through these issues. Maybe now I can afford one with my new insurance. I can't keep these masks on indefinitely. Because I am faking it more and more with the wrong people. I don't want to have to pretend I am happy when I am around people from cast or even my own fucking kid. 

Amazing how I can go from having a great day to feeling like shit so rapidly. And while we are at it, why do I have this never ending desire to punish myself? Why do I feel like I have to make restitution for all my past deeds? Especially when those deeds weren't so goddamn bad in the first place. At least not to me...

Y3 D25

Did more than I originally planned to yesterday. I headed out to get my new bed around 10. First I went over to the other tech head's house to grab our prop van. While that thing is a serious piece of shit, I was glad to have it at my access yesterday. It stalled on me four times on the way to the store, but I made it. Was frustrated a little at the store; from the time I walked in the door, filled out the order form, and made my purchase, it was 14 minutes. I knew exactly which mattress set I wanted, how much it was, etc and was done quickly. BUT at furniture pickup, it took 1/2 hour. This is early in the morning too. Needless to say I lost time there. Then I headed back to the house, unloaded the new bed, and loaded up the old bed. I then drive it to the guy who bought it from me, helped unload, and FINALLY got back home around 3 only to have to set my new bed up. The whole time from when we got home, the kid was playing Alice. Some how on father's day, I ended up doing more work than her. But it's all good, it wasn't like any of it stressed me out. Just the opposite. Her and I got to spend time together, I got a new bed, and it was a beautiful day outside. No worries.

For dinner last night I made us this random plate of fruits and vegetables. It was too hot out to eat anything warm. May do the same thing tonight. We watched two more episodes of X-Files. Almost through season 1! That was about it for us. I picked up some odds and ends at Target, made a list of things I need to get to start a project -- oh, that's something else I did. I tried my hand at dip-dye. Dip-dye has been showing up on the runways and magazines lately and I thought I would give it a shot. I took a pair of old jeans that were too big for me and cut them down to make baggy shorts. Then I did the dip-dye process. It came out pretty good. I think I am going to get some more bleach and run them through again. These were black jeans and I need one more pass I think.

Off to work. The kid has interview today. I ironed her clothes for her and made her a resume last night. She is going to do great.

Y3 D24

Today is Father's Day. It's strange celebrating it a little because the kid lives with me. Usually if she is here on Father's Day it's bitter sweet because it's only for the summer. Not this time. This time it's for good. I keep trying to wrap my head around that concept - she lives here now. This is her mailing address. This is her HOME. Goddamn, that makes me feel good. Makes me feel proud that I created an environment that she can call home. Maybe that's what's different this father's day. The feeling of pride and accomplishment of being not only a dad, but HER dad and a damn good one. Everyone knows I think I am a fuck up and haven't done much right in my life, but I *KNOW* I am a good dad and it's the one thing no one, not even the ex-wives club, will ever take from me. I am by far the better parent than her step-mother or her real mother. So fuck them and mother's day. It's my day bitches. Suck on it.

Yesterday started off with an email from my director to everyone on cast chastising them for still being friends on facebook with someone who badly hurt his wife emotionally. It was extremely evident from the rambling tone of the email, the repeated phrases, the sentence structure, etc that he was drunk when he wrote it. Not to mention it was sent at 1:53 am. While I can appreciate his wanting to be protective of his wife, there are times when technology is not our friend. Well, when I got up at 5, I de-friended this person and made sure to send him screenshots with a little note saying that I was hurt if ever thinks he has to question my loyalty.  That was how my day started. From there I cleaned. I needed to clean the house in a bad way. Not the light little dusting but the pull out the fucking bleach and let's do this right, kind of cleaning. I had it all done by 8 before the kid even got out of bed. I ran to the store and got some smoked salmon and when she got up made bagel with salmon and egg sammies for breakfast. I knew we wouldn't eat lunch and I wanted to make sure she was full and ready to roll. After breakfast we went on an errand spree. We were both looking for some new clothes, me new jeans and something to wear to the parade next weekend (we will discuss that more next weekend thank you very much), her something to wear for her job interview tomorrow. Did I mention she has a job interview on Monday? I am super fucking proud of her for that. It's a starfucker's barrista position, but it's still a job, she found it on her own, and she is ready to work. So personal feelings about the company aside, I am proud. Damn, today is all about being a proud daddy, isn't it? We hit the mall and she ended up finding a Betsey Johnson dress 50% off. She can't *quite* wear it to an interview, but she really wanted it and as I told her, it's her money but she better be super frugal if she doesn't land this job.

I found a pair of jeans. Some may balk or not understand what I am about to say, but I was happy to find a pair for $70. For me that is being responsible. My last pairs of jeans were in the three figures and one of those was around $250. I am finally learning to be good and spend only three times less than that. I don't ever see myself wearing cheaper clothing just because I have taste (deal), but I am getting better at finding bargains and quality for less. We also picked up a new video game - no, I didn't get DNF and I probably won't. We got Alice McGee's new version of Alice. Best part is on the disc is a code for the original game from 11 years ago as a download. We decided to download that first and replay the first game before jumping into the second. She started on that while I took a nap.

Fast forward a few hours and she is done playing, I am done napping, and it's now dinner time. I made us beef stroganoff with some hamburger that was in the fridge and we proceeded to watch four X-Files episodes before heading off to the show.

Showtime! I had two drinks before the show. Again, proud of myself for having discipline and control. Because I limited my intake and was painfully aware of my intake (I did NOT want a repeat of the previous show), I was able to really focus and we had an excellent show. Everyone was sharp and did a great job. Fun was had all around. We headed for pie afterwards. I love how what started as me and one other person getting pie has turned into a table of 12. We laughed and had fun until about 4 and then headed home. Bed at 4:30, up at 8:30. Let's do this. Today I am getting a new bed! I sold my old one to a cast mate and he paid me in cash last night. I am now off to the mattress store to get a new one. I am very excited as this may get rid of some of the back pain I have been having. Tonight will tell.

Happy fucking father's day to me. I am, what's the word.... happy today.

Y3 D23

Interesting day yesterday. Nothing bad happened or anything, it was just interesting. This morning is starting to look even more interesting and it's only 5:30. That's going to be fun to write about tomorrow.

Anyway, went to work as normal. Was the first person in the office at 7:40. Had to turn the alarm off. Luckily on my first day I was smart and put the alarm code and instructions into my phone just in case this happened. I had a feeling there would be a point where I was the first one into the office. Got on the phone first thing with my customer since they are in Virginia. She had already left me a message at 5am my time. This is going to be fun to deal with going forward. Setup some meetings for next week then spent the day dealing with documentation, reviewing data sets, specs, etc.

The kid was supposed to take the train up to the city and meet me. Here's where things got wonky. My other friend heard that the kid was coming up and wanted to come as well. I said sure no problem and he decided he would pick the kid up and drive. Big mistake. They ended up being an hour later than planned because of traffic. The kid was frustrated, I was pissed because they were late, etc. I had wanted to get some shopping done as I need a new pair of jeans. But but the time we had finished dinner, everything was closing. Pissed me off. Dinner was over-priced and not that good either. We went to a place I had not wanted to go just because it was closer. Mistake number 2. I mean it wasn't horrible, it was just not that special for what they charged. We got home around 9:30 and I went to bed. I have a shit ton of things to do today including trying to find jeans. I need a new pair of black jeans to wear to shows because on drunk night two weeks ago I some how ripped the knees out on both legs. I have to wear black jeans while performing (or black pants of some type, jeans are just the easiest) and now the only pair I had that fit are ruined.

Regardless, I am in a crappy mood this morning due to other things so I am going to wrap this up.

Y3 D22

Yesterday started off with a little scare, but ended with a high note. I have an alert setup on my checking account to tell me when I am under $100. I got the alert around 4:30am and oh joy, -$14. It was because one of my autopays essentially hit the same time my paycheck hit. They covered the bill, but charged me $25 for it. Fuckers. I did pay all my other bills though which felt good. I am cool until the first. That feels nice.
Went off to work and started on my new client. I am not going to lie, it feels good to be useful. I was getting tired of 'training'. I am a hands on person and need to be doing something, not watching videos or reading guides. I don't learn effectively in that manner. Anyway, I ran a couple of meetings, established a project plan, finished the kickoff deck, and left the client a voicemail trying to set a time for the kickoff. They are east coast and by the time I got all the info I needed it was 6pm their time. She just left me a message at 5:30am my time. This is going to be fun.

After work, headed home and the kid and I went to the fair!! We met friends and had a blast. There were about six of us and we stuffed our faces full of fried food (which I am paying for this morning, trust me) and rode the rides until we were nauseous. So much fun!! I won her a fuzzy cow at the midway games and got to pet a llama!! Just a fun wholesome night. No booze, no stupidity, no nothing but spending time with friends and being silly. Just what I needed.

Some people shouldn't be in my present. They deserve to be in the past. But in 2011, there is no past. You're not allowed to grieve anything because nothing actually dies. It just sits there slowly decaying, staring at you with a sinister grin. Sometimes Facebook feels like a museum of my life. I guess I'm just finally getting tired of looking at artifacts. I guess I'm just too sensitive for fucking Facebook.

It was from an article I found and I just felt like it stuck and applied to me. Thought I would share.

Y3 D21

Started my first real project yesterday at work. Felt good to actually be useful. I worked on the kickoff presentation for the client as well as scheduled meetings with the sales person and the sales engineer. Today I get to follow up and talk with the client for the first time. I will actually be doing only half of the technical work as one of the other consultants will be shadowing me on the back end stuff. But from the front end, I will be the point person in communication with the client and handling the project part.

Best part? No travel. The client is in Virginia - customer - I keep using the word client because that's what I am used to, but I have to remember this isn't a consulting company it's a software company and these are customers. Not a big difference, but there is. The other thing I need to remember is I am not management any more. This goes hand in hand with the travel thing. These people may never see me face to face. I will remain some guy on the phone in another state. The big thing is I could dress more casual if I chose. I have been going in every day in 'consultant' wear while I look around and half the people are in jeans including the CEO and President. Ah startups. But I will wait another week or two before I go casual. Let it happen naturally.

I also confirmed with my boss that for normal days my hours are working. I am getting in around 7:40 and leaving around 4:40. This lets me catch a 5:14 train which is an express and gets me home around 5:40. I can handle that.

Got home, made the kid and me some dinner, then sat down and watched three more episodes of X-Files. Three a day is our goal. We have 202 total and I think we are now on episode 10. Before summer is over, we will have watched everything.

Also sold the old bed I was holding on to for her. Managed to get $200 for it which I will use to buy me a new mattress on Sunday. My hips and back are killing me and I know it's the bed. Hopefully this will relieve some of the pain I am having when I am sleeping.

Did one more thing I should mention - I decided to create an account on Zoosk. Let's see if anything comes of it once I get my profile filled in on there.

Y3 D20

I had an interesting conversation with a friend yesterday. She accused me of 'holding back' on what I write here and I agreed with her. She thinks out of protection for some of you who read this, I keep things close to my chest. She's right. But it's more than protecting you, it's protecting me. If I admit some of the other things going on in my head or who I am, then I have to face them and no one wants that. She also called me a 'damaged and wounded soul'. Yep. I am. Lastly we talked about how I have no clue how to make myself happy because I am too busy worrying about other people's happiness.

All of this is giving me food for thought and I am going to process it over the next couple of days and use the weekend to write a long introspective post. You have been warned.

As for work, another day of training although it looks like I might start a client today. I got an SOW late last night from my boss that he wants me to review. Yay! I am so ready to do some real work.

Ran to the train as I had a late meeting but still managed to be home at a decent time. The kid and I had pork chops for dinner and watched three more episodes of the X-Files. 7 down, 195 to go. She has been applying for jobs and heard back from Starbucks. Looks like she might get an interview this week. I am rooting for her.

Y3 D19

Life just keeps moving forward, doesn't it? It's been two weeks since the kid graduated, three weeks since I started the new job, a week since we were starting vacation; things just never stop. They just keep plowing forward and nothing really ever changes. Just the same thing on and on again until we collapse.

Worked yesterday obviously. Still not engaged with customers, instead still training. Will be for at least another 1 - 1 1/2 weeks. Not complaining mind you, just feeling useless. I did get a ride home from a friend who happened to be in the city yesterday which was nice. I also setup my auto-pay for my commuter checks. $100 a paycheck, pre-tax which I get reimbursed roughly around the 20th of the month. When I get the reimbursement check it will go straight on my commuter card. Until then I have to pay out of pocket which kind of sucks, but as long as I keep receipts, I am okay. Technically it becomes a tax write off.

Finished up an online driver's training class last night I had to take to avoid a point on my license. I had been procrastinating it for a while and started over the weekend. Three hours of watching lame ass videos and slides. That was on top of the four hours I spent over the weekend.

Watched the next episode of the X-Files with the kid. 198 to go. That's about it. My head is still not 100% where it should be, but I am back to recognizing it at least which allows me to work on it and force it back into place.

Y3 D18

I did something yesterday and magically the world didn't end! Well if it did, it doesn't look any different. Does this mean I don't have to go to work today? Oh no wait, nope, world is still here...

What did I do? Something I should have done two years ago. I went through some boxes that have been in the kid's room forever. In those boxes were old pictures, christmas/birthday/anniversary/valentines etc cards. I went through and separated pictures that don't belong to me to send back to X2's family, and then started throwing out the rest. The irony of the exercise was I found more cards I had given to HER than the other way around. On top of that, I kept noticing how often I was apologizing for one thing or another - 'sorry about that fight', 'sorry I did this/that/the other thing'. That's just not right. And I am not talking any particular time period, it was over a good decade worth of stuff. Here I am apologizing or trying to make her feel better. Fuck that. Some days I beat myself in the head for not seeing the signs on the wall sooner. I am so damn afraid of being alone forever that I take the abuse. At least I used to be. Even if I never have another relationship again, I *might* be able to handle it now. Might. Don't like the thought, but it also doesn't paralyze me (right this moment) and cause me to be with someone just because. I am coming up on nine months 100% alone and well, it is what it is.

Part of the reason for going through the boxes was to make room for the kid. She needs to finish getting her room together and that's one of her tasks for the week. She now has no excuses. That was the extent of our day yesterday. I ran an errand to replace a broken ironing board, but otherwise didn't leave the house. Did an online Driver's School training class that I have been procrastinating about. Still have 40% left and need to finish it tonight.

We started in watching X-Files last night. We plan to watch all 202 episodes in order. 3 down.

Off to work. Let another week begin.

Y3 D17

Time flies like an arrow, fruit like a banana...

I am so glad we decided to drive home Friday instead of yesterday. Having a full two days around the house is nice. Yesterday was a good day. Managed to catch up on things, like grocery shopping. That was about it during the day. We got up slow and didn't do much in the morning. Headed to the grocery store around 10 or 11, then went over to my friend's house for a costume swap. Really that was for the kid, I just kind of hung out with her husband. She had some friends over to exchange different clothes for one of the roles all the girls play which the kid will play at some point according to our director. After that we came home played a little Little Big Planet 2, and had dinner. I went over to my director's house around 9 to hang out while the kid stayed at home to recharge her batteries. It would appear I am back in the good graces of everyone after my drunken debacle last saturday night. Which is a good thing. Came home kind of late, but not too bad. Had a nice time hanging out with people.

All in all a positive day.

Y3 D16

Made it home in one piece. Now that I am home, my life can settle back down a bit and I can get back into a normal posting routine. Let's backtrack to Thursday before I do yesterday. Took the kid and my two nieces to Seattle on Thursday. Our first stop was the Fremont Troll under the bridge. That was so very cool. Got pictures of the girls all standing on or around the troll. If you've never seen it, it's worth the time. It was built years ago as a halloween prank and everyone loved it so much they never tore it down. Instead they even changed the street name to troll avenue.

After the troll we went to the EMP. Wow. That place was incredible. From the punk exhibit to the history of guitars to the Battlestar area, the flying Blade Runner car, it was nerd heaven. I was just lost in a sea of nerdy goodness. We spent a few hours there and then decided to wander around the downtown area nearby. Our first stop was Thai food as we were all starving. We found a great place where we were able to sit in the window on the floor and eat. The food was great, but it was the ambience and the floor sitting that made it perfect. After that the girls all wanted to go shop so I tagged along and stayed out of their way. Finally we wrapped up by having pie at 'Pie'. Yes, that's it name. Pie. It was freaking great. Best pies we had ever had. Little mini-pies in a perfect buttery crust. We headed back and my nieces went off to a friend's graduation while me and the kid hung out with my dad and his wife. Very relaxing as we packed up and prepared to leave in the morning.

We headed out about 5am yesterday and drove for about 300 miles before stopping at the Wild Animal Safari in Winston OR. 600 acre drive through wildlife park. We had a giraffe inches from us, an emu try and attack us, and saw so many cool animals. It was worth the pit stop. We spent about two hours there total and then got back on the road.

We rolled in about 8pm and unpacked. I am very lucky to have the relationship I do with my kid. It did not feel like a 12 or 13 hour trip for either of us. We talked, she read to me from her 'Big Book of Punk Lists', we made fun of other drivers, picked music together, etc. It was a good road trip.

Now that we are home, I did laundry last night, we have no show today so the whole weekend is ours. I need to get us some groceries for the next few days, but otherwise, no obligations. I like that. My head is starting to be back where it needs to be regarding X2. It took a week and being on vacation to immerse myself in something else, but it's almost there.

Y3 D15

Heading home and about to get on the road for 12 hours so I don't have time for a full post. But yesterday was a big pile of awesome wrapped in incredible. The Experience Music Project in Seattle is a MUST SEE for anyone traveling up there. Between the museum, the troll, the pie, the company, oh my, it was just a fantastic non-stop day. I was finally truly relaxed and not worried about ex-wives or other people's drama for once. I promise a full update tomorrow on two days. Once this vacation is over, I will get back into my normal pattern of writing and posting.

Y3 D14

yesterday was fun. We spent the morning hanging out in Portland. The girls wanted to go back to one of the vintage stores we hit the day before. I also took them to a porn store. Yes, a porn store. They wanted to look for shoes. It was more one of those 'lingerie' stores versus porn stores. It was actually huge and very clean and nice. Then we ate really good street food which was fun. We came back in the afternoon and spent the day with my dad. It only took 25 years, but I finally had a father/son night. We went off and played pool all night. It was a good day all around. Today we are off to Seattle for the day. I really don't have much to say today. Things are finally calming down in my head which is good. I am slowly getting passed things. I do think I need to go back to a doctor now that I have better insurance. More to come on that.

Y3 D13

Yesterday was the first day I came truly close to actually relaxing. Still not there as the internal battle rages on in my head. Put on the front. Put on the mask of sanity.

Drove to Portland yesterday with the kid and my niece. Went into town to a place where some friends from my old town now work. Unfortunately since it was a Tuesday no one was around, but the nice thing is at lunch they gave us the friends and family discount because they knew I was friends with the executive and sous chef. After lunch we wandered around downtown Portland going into vintage shops. I found a 70s red leather jacket in perfect condition for $40. We then headed to the hotel where we all crashed until it was time for dinner. For dinner we went to my friend's restaurant which I have mentioned before in these writings. The last time I was there was with my brother which was bittersweet being back. We had an incredible dinner -- poke, pork belly with tempura egg, razor clams with gnocchi, tortilla bisque, kailua pork, gorgonzola ravioli, coconut cheesecake, blueberry tart, and brownies. That's the courses I can remember. The owner/chef/friend came over about halfway through the meal and sat with us and we caught up. He poured me some drink he is serving at his late night happy hour on weekends which consisted of absinthe, vodka, tequila, white wine, and port. I had one. Only needed one. Total when he had the server bring the bill? $28.50. Was NOT expecting that. I won't lie, I was expecting him to knock something off like the desserts but not 75% of the bill. Seriously, we easily had 100 - 125 worth of food and drink. I gave the waitress a $45 tip which is closer to what she would have gotten on a normal bill plus a little extra. That was really nice and made my night.

We got back to the hotel around 10. I got us a suite so the girls are in the other room right now and I am in the front room. We are heading back at some point today but in no hurry. I need to be around people. I need to stop dwelling. I did send out a couple of messages on OKC yesterday. Of course, no responses. Makes me wonder why I even try...

Y3 D12

The pain's not ashamed to repeat itself...


I am doing a little better today but not 100%. I don't know why it's eating at me the way it is. It's stupid. On a purely logical level I know this. I know I am being an idiot. I can't go back, I don't want to go back, but yet there it is. Hanging out there over my goddamn head like the sword of Damocles. I am back to wanting to put the gun in my mouth and pull the fucking trigger. Just make it all stop. I feel worthless, ugly, and not worthy of love. And what is love anyway? Chemical reactions? Undying devotion? Partnership? What the fuck does it mean? How can I find 'love' when I don't even LIKE myself right now? What a wasted life.

Spent the day with my sister and her kid yesterday. We drove my niece's friend home and bummed around the 'city'. Compared to everything else around here it was definitely a city. The girls had fun. As long as everyone else is happy and no one knows what is going on inside this head of mine, then I guess we're okay, right?

Made my sister and her family dinner last night - two different types of crepes. One set with salmon the other with chicken, both with mushrooms, spinach, dill, onion, and a nice cream sauce. Served it with sliced tomatoes and couscous. For dessert I did strawberry banana crepes with nutella. They were happy. Everyone is happy. But me. I am dying inside a little bit more every day. Fuck it. Let the whole thing die. Let it just end.

Y3 D11

Ok here's what happened on Saturday - everything was fine during the day, the kid and I did some stuff around the house like taking care of the rabbits and the cat, packing for our trip, and just relaxing. We both slept in the afternoon to make sure we were awake and ready to go for our planned 1am departure. Everything was great, until about 9pm. At 9 I was chatting online with a friend when they said:

'So guess what - X2's in a relationship'
'Oh (slam in my stomach), how do you know?'
'Well she never posts on fb and I didn't even realize we were still connected until I saw she updated her status from 'it's complicated' to 'in a relationship'. I mean come on it's been two years, it can't bug you that much'.

They are right, it shouldn't bug me that much but it did. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know why, it just did. Pit in my stomach still just typing this. It's not like I have been a celibate monk the last two years and I doubt she has either, but it's the public acknowledgement that hit. Especially since I have been alone for these last eight months. If I was with someone right now or even had someone on the horizon it wouldn't have hurt so much. But I don't and it did. This led to poor decision making. We headed out to the show where I proceeded to drink way too much. So much that I don't remember the show, I don't remember anything except the kid telling me we were home as I was passed out in the back seat of my car. Needless to say we didn't leave at 1 as planned. We ended up leaving at 7:30 yesterday. Took 12 hours to drive to my dad's place and we made it in one piece.

I tried explaining to the kid why I did what I did and all I could tell her was there are many pains in this life that I can try and protect you from, but the pain of a broken heart isn't one of them. When the time comes and someone rips your heart out, you will understand why I acted the way I did last night. There are no excuses for it, but it's the most honest I can be about it.

I publicly apologized in our cast mailing list. I haven't heard the backlash from my actions yet, but I am sure it is coming. I hope that I don't get kicked off cast for this one. I don't think I did anything too out of line other than be a stupid drunk. We will see.

Right now I am on vacation so fuck it. I am good with work, good with my head, still not good with the thought of X2 being happy though. I think in part I wanted her to suffer longer, but hey, it's time to grow up and realize she left me and move on. I do plan when I get back home to take anything in the house that belonged to her, pictures, etc, put them in a box and send them off to her dad. Time to truly sever the fucking cord.

Y3 D10

yesterday was bad  real bad. still driving. learned x2 is rn a relationship and happy. pit in my stomach

Y3 D9

Yesterday I remembered why I like working at startup companies. I got in around 8 as I had the kid drive me to the train station. That was nice. I was able to catch an early train without stressing about walking. I just got her up, she drove me, and went back to bed. I get into the office and there on my desk is a tote bag, a coffee mug, and a t-shirt. Nice way to start the day. I then continued to watch the training videos until our 90 minute lunch meeting where we discussed current clients, played 'stump the experts', and then went back to training. At 3 the real fun started. It seems that every first Friday of the month, it's a theme party from 3-5. This month it was France. In the back part of the company was a spread of french wines, beer, and food. Work was done for the week apparently. Everyone walking around with little stick on moustaches and drinking. Yep, I like it here. So far so good.

I decided around 4 that I was going to get out because nothing more was going to get accomplished. Said goodbye to those two or three people I have started being friendly with and left. On the way to the train station "it" happened. One of the reasons I took this job -- I started talking to this nice woman who was also rushing to get to the train station. No, I didn't get her name, but we made some nice small talk as we sped walk three blocks together to get the 4:17 train. She works around the corner from me. She had a friend already at the platform and left to sit with her, but the point is, this is what I was hoping for by taking this job. The ability to see or meet someone who I can see every day and establish a human connection. I do hope I bump into her again when I am back from vacation. The kid picked me up at the train station and we ordered pizza for dinner. We watched The Virgin Suicides while scarfing down pizza and salad. Was great fun. Both of us were really tired from the last couple of days and went off to bed around 9:30. I slept like a log. Was awesome.

Tonight we have a show and then we head up to see the family. This is going to be an interesting week. Tomorrow's post will be late so don't freak out. I have a 12 hour drive ahead of us and we aren't leaving until 1am. I will post, it will just be late.

Y3 D8

Long damn day yesterday. Started off with that wonderful pounding headache. It finally dissipated around 3 in the afternoon. Yeah, fun fun. Bummed around the hotel until about 9 or so and headed over to the what was for the last time, the kid's house. Got my car loaded with all of her stuff and we headed back. It was a good ride. We talked about her leaving that part of her life behind and how this was the start of new beginnings, etc. It was nice spending some quiet time knowing that this is it, I don't have to drive her back this time. No end date. This ain't no rental this time. The reality of that isn't going to sink in for a while as I have been used to her being with me months at a time in the summer. It will be in September when she starts school that it will really sink in for me. We got home around 5 and started unpacking her room. Man that kid has more clothes than me. Damn. Around 8 we sat down to watch a movie - Wristcutters, A Love Story - and have some dinner. The movie was really cute and I highly recommend it. Went to bed afterwards at about 10. I guess it wasn't that long a day in the grand scheme of things, but it certainly felt long. Off to work today and then a show tomorrow followed by a week off!

Y3 D7

What an odd, bizarre, surreal, exciting, strange, and all around insane day yesterday was. I got up at 4:30 because I was worried about having enough time to do everything I wanted to do in the morning before I had to leave. I literally had laundry going before 5 am. Of course it was one of those moments where I got up too early and was standing around a little bit but overall not too much. After laundry I went to the store and got cat food, rabbit food, and what would be the start of way too many Rockstars.

Called X1 around 9 to find out where we were meeting for dinner and at what time. The best part of that conversation? Where I ask her if she's excited today and she spends the next 20 minutes talking about her back. Seriously bitch? Really? Her own daughter didn't come up until I fucking interrupted her and asked where we were having dinner. Damn.

Was on the road at 10 and made it to the kid's area around 2ish. On the way there nothing really eventful happened but there's one thing I want to note; I tried calling the friend I 'lost' recently. I left a message about how there should be no bad blood between us on this day of my kid's graduation and ask him to call me back. He didn't and that really hurt. I would have hoped that he could put whatever issues we had aside and at least congratulate me and the kid on the event. Kind of bugged me and obviously still is bugging me.

Anyway, got here, checked in to the hotel and then showered, changed, etc. Met them all at the restaurant for the pre-show dinner around 4:30. X1 was mildly behaving herself. There we were - X1, her soon to be ex-husband, their two kids, X1's parents, her sister and kid, me, the kid, and the kid's friend. What a fucked up modern day family we were. Me? I was motherfuckin' pimpin' it. I was looking hot and so out of place. Loved it. All of it. Her husband came over to me about halfway through the meal and asked if I would help him split the bill. I told him I had only planned on paying for the kid, me, and her friend. Why couldn't X1's parents do something for once? He felt embarrassed and didn't have an answer but I knew where he was coming from on that. I didn't want him to feel bad so yes, I split the bill with him. We discussed it later. Oh just keep reading, it gets fun...

The three of us left early as the kid needed to get to the ceremony and of course X1 was too busy in her own world to realize it was time to go. Got her there right on time as always thank you very much. I then proceeded to block off 10 seats. The people in front of me were blocking of EIGHTY seats. Damn.

Three hours later the kid finally took the stage to get her diploma. Now, those eighty in front of me? I cheered for their kids and had them cheer for mine. It was fucking awesome. We had over eighty people jumping and hooting and hollering for her when she got her diploma. It felt great. X1 later asked me why were those people cheering? I said because they love my kid. Deal with it. Oh yeah.

Afterwards I took the girls to the store and got them each a bottle of champagne. We had a little celebration at the house. And yes, I got myself a bottle too. Their bottles were split amongst people, mine went right to me. X1 left her car at the restaurant and had driven with her parents so her husband asked if I could drive him back to the car on my way back to the hotel. That's where the fun started.

We got to the restaurant and I asked him if he REALLY was in a hurry to go back. He hemmed and hawed for a second and then we ended up in the bar. The best part was when I told this woman next to us -- "See this? I am the ex-husband, he is the soon to be ex-husband, and the kid we raised together just graduated. This is how life should be!". The bartender ended up buying us a round after that smart ass remark. Man did he dump on me last night. All the shit we have left unsaid for the last 15 years came out. He is a great guy and I wish him the best in dealing with X1. He has 10 more years to go until their kids are done. He is totally jealous of me since I am d-o-n-e. We ended up having way too much to drink but had a great time regardless. I ended up back at the hotel somewhere around 1am.

All in all, a good day. The kid made it. I survived it. Let's do the next part -- her moving in...

Y3 D6

My 'little' girl graduates today. Holy fuck. Where have the last 18 years gone? What have I done? Have I accomplished a fucking thing in the last 18 years? Twice divorced, alone, and an alcoholic. What a life.

Worked yesterday. Actually managed to really start understanding the product. It was one of those days where the time just flew by because I was buried in learning things. I took an early train in to have a full day since I am out today and tomorrow. I am about to drive for five hours for the graduation, then load the car tomorrow morning and bring the kid back for the next phase of both of our lives.

Got home around 6:30 and tried to do laundry. All the machines were full because of the coin machine being down all weekend. Said the hell with it and got up early this morning and started laundry at 4:30. I need some of the clothes in there for today. I also need to go to the store and get cat food before I leave. And gas. And rabbit food. Man this is a busy morning already. Argh.

Watched a documentary on Bukowski last night before bed. I envy and idolize guys like that. So free and yet so disturbed all at the same time. I wish in some ways I had did things like him when I was younger. Just be free. Free to wander and write.