Yesterday morning and afternoon were kind of rough. I was alone most of the day which started my brain spiraling. I was stressed about my paycheck whether it would arrive yesterday or today; I was stressing about TGF (more on this in a moment); I was worried about the kid (more on this too); stressing about work and what I was doing - the list is endless. I started to come out of the funk around 4pm when I had to go pick the kid up at the train station. I drove her in the morning to save the cost of parking and one connection. As I left my check was in the mail which reduced my stress level even further. Amazing how knowing you can pay your bills reduces the issue with other things.
Why was I stressing about TGF? Because sometimes I stop and think about what I am doing. I am dating a girl half + my age. Do I like her? Of course otherwise I wouldn't be with her. I am not one of these assholes who uses women for sex. I mean come on you know me better than that by now. But at the same time there are moments where the age gap hits me. It really hit me last night when I got home and called her. I will come back to that. Yes, I am all over the place today, deal with it. I am chaos personified mentally right now despite what I might be showing on the outside. I was just thinking about how she should be hanging out with people her own age and have a normal boyfriend who's going to break her teenage heart in the traditional way. I am mostly over the stress of it and am just going to try and enjoy my weekend with her. But that leads us to the kid..
I am worried about her social anxiety and frankly so is she. She told me the other day how she complimented this person's sweater and then freaked out for ten minutes in her head because she was afraid the person would want to have a conversation. It drives me nuts sometimes that I have more of a social life than my daughter. But at the same time I empathize because I went through the same thing. I don't want her to have to be in her 30s like I was before coming out of her shell. Although what can I do other than support her and offer encouragement? I did suggest she see about talking to a counselor or therapist. I know it's cliche but it might be a good answer for her. I also reminded her she has a family in cast and there are people who would love to talk to her about these things. Either way, her lack of social life and friends is making me feel guilty every time I want to do something without her. She's my baby and I can't see her hurting but I also know there is a point where it becomes sink or swim. Even if she is swimming in tears. Sigh.
Picked up the kid, hit the bank, and then prepped for a party at our director's house. Somewhere in there I talked to my sister. I might not say it enough, but I love my sister. She is a good guiding light for me. It's nice to have a sibling and someone who likes me no matter how stupid or dumb I behave. I hope she knows how important she is to me.
It was the premiere of Always Sunny which meant a party. We got there around 7:30 and hung out until around 11. I enjoyed myself even though I felt some tension from a couple people which I can mostly explain. There's still some stigma from my recent drunken behavior at a show and there will always be some bad taste in some folks mouth about TGF. But at the same time, there's no way I could not go. If I didn't show up then I would be (in their minds) insulting them. I did have one nice moment. One of my friends told me she felt bad that TGF couldn't be there. As she put it -- "You guys have been going out almost three months. You're in a relationship and she is your so right now. She should be here with us". And this is someone who doesn't really agree with my relationship but supports me. That's friendship.
Got home around 11:30 and called TGF. There's where the age thing shined again. She was 'hanging out in the park' with some friends. Huh. Weird. I haven't done that since I was... oh wait... she is that age... I don't know what time she got home or who she was with and it really doesn't matter. It's none of my business honestly. But it was odd to me that she was hanging in a park at almost midnight. Then again, I can hang in a bar until past midnight. Same thing, different venue. I don't know. It's little things like that which throw me off. Like tonight - tonight I want to take her to dinner, hang out at a hookah bar, and relax. Why can we do that? Because quite simply, I can pay the bill. Her other friends don't have that option. They can go to McDonald's and the yogurt shop. I can take her to real food and fun. Fuck me, I need someone my own age. Speaking of that, I have been chatting with yet another 'J' on OKC. I don't know what will come of that if anything, but I am not closing any doors. Sorry, I know that might sound rude, but I have to be realistic. If we make it past three months, then I will shut the other doors. At six months? We go public or we break up. Point blank.
In the office today. This should be fun.
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