Y3 D106

Remember yesterday I said three or four more times before the end of the week? Try three times YESTERDAY and that was between 10am and 3pm. Three times in 5 hours. Jesus. At this rate before the week is over (Sunday to Saturday) I might hit 10 times. Dear god. Ya know, when a slump ends, a slump ends.

On to more important things. Because even though I can flippantly talk about getting laid, I am not happy right now. I know I should be talking about yesterday but technically this started before midnight so it counts. Right now I want to put the gun back in my mouth. I know. I don't know where it's coming from other than a general dissatisfaction with life in general. I still feel like a square peg in a round hole. I know I *should* be happy, there's really nothing wrong other than normal every day stuff, but for some reason there's this voice in my head telling me I am worthless, useless, and don't deserve to walk the earth. Fuck.

Got up yesterday around 6 something and started in at work. I worked from home because I need my (now) old company to understand I am NOT their employee. I am a contractor which means they may not see me some days. But it doesn't seem to be sinking in. I spent most of yesterday working on old clients instead of on the one they have contracted me to work on. Talk about rock and a hard place. It really pissed me off to be honest. So I took that anger out in a fucking around once TGF woke up. I was on a conference call from 10-11 and when that was over I went into the bedroom and number one. We then took a shower and when we went back in the bedroom, oops, number two. I then did some work for about an hour and we went off to have some lunch. When we got back I worked for about a half hour mostly fending off the dickhead client in the office upstairs who can't grasp the fact that I don't work here any more. I got tired of his constant IMs and emails so turned off the computer for a while and number three. The kid came home during the middle of number three which I think was weird for her. It was a little weird for me too. I heard her leave and told TGF she should probably go allowing me to work and well, to make it less weird. She understood. The kid came back about 10 minutes after TGF left.

It brings me to a bit of a conundrum. Is it because of TGF's age or is it simply dad's banging somebody in the middle of the afternoon in the same house? I honestly think it's more the latter. I don't think she would feel comfortable regardless of who it is. I know I don't 100% feel comfortable. We live in a relatively small apartment where it's kind of hard to hide what we are doing. Plain and simple. Even if this was my wife or someone older, it would still be odd because not much separates us in terms of walls or distance. But what am I supposed to do? Not have a life? She's not 10. She's almost 19 and in college. Do I tell her it's time to get another job and move out? I am really leaning towards that in July when my lease is up. I want to see where she is at and maybe suggest her and one of my other friends get an apartment together. She needs to start being more independent. At her age... yeah, yeah, I won't go there.

After TGF left I worked a little more and then the kid and I had an X-Files marathon. Five episodes. It was good quality time. We laughed and talked and ate. We went to the store for an ice cream run which was fun. Around 10 we called it a night. TGF had dance and she texted me around 10:15. I politely told her I was already in bed and to call me today. Smart move. I needed the rest. While my brain is still muddled and fucked up, at least I physically feel better. I feel like I got some well overdue sleep.

I don't know if I mentioned, but my friend got the job I helped find for her. I called in a couple of favors, got her resume in the right hands, she nailed the interviews, and bam. They made her an offer on Tuesday and she starts in two weeks. I bring it up because she wants to thank me with a dinner. We might go do it tonight. Let's see if that happens. I am in the office today. Got her around 6:30. I am not sure how long I will stay or what I will work on right now though because I am still not in the mood. My head is just not in a good place. I think TGF has dance again tonight which makes that easy.

I heard back from Fangirl yesterday but I ignored her messages. My sister politely pointed out I am playing with fire and she is right. I will ignore her and see if she goes away.

Okay, let's see if I can make it through the day without hurling myself into traffic.