Y3 D188

Sometimes it's a struggle between my need for human intimacy and contact versus wanting to be alone and not having to worry about anyone else's needs or feelings. I don't know if this makes me a sociopath, a psychopath, or what, but it's just something I deal with on a regular basis. Yesterday was a prime example of that. For most of the day I felt like it was so much better to be alone and not have to worry about whether things are okay, is this person okay, do I need to do anything, yadda yadda. There are times when I am more comfortable just worrying about myself. I couldn't shake this feeling all morning as thought it were a premonition of things to come. Turned out it was.

Got to work yesterday a little late as I had an eyebrow appointment in the morning. Turns out it didn't matter what time I showed up. This also may have been contributing at the time to my mood. First off, the stuff I worked on Thursday they hadn't even bothered to look at yet which pissed me off. Why did I even bother? You had FOUR days to look at it. It wasn't like I was asking you to look at it in one night. Assholes.

Then at 10am the server went down. I was effectively done for the day. I sat there until 3:30 doing nothing. Absolutely nothing yet I couldn't go home just in case it came back online. Double assholes.

While I was waiting for the server to come back up I went ahead and finished up the majority of my Christmas shopping on Amazon. I had a $125 credit on there and spent $96. Two small gifts for TGF, the rest for me. I also tried placing an order for a KINECT but even though it let me place the order with store pickup, a couple hours later I got an email saying oops we fucked up. That item isn't in stock. Sorry. Gosh, our issue and we won't do shipping on the item. Sorry again. I am just going to try every day until I actually get my item. Fuck it.

When I got home, I went to the dollar store with the kid to get wrapping paper. I refuse to spend real money on something whose only purpose is to be ripped up and thrown away. Kind of like me. Use me, abuse me, throw me away...

Sorry, I am in a funk that started yesterday and is slowly growing worse. One of the problems of being ruled by the water and the moon. Funny I see it in TGF too. And now we've reached that part of the day...

When I got back from the store I called her to see how her day was going. I could detect a bit of something there but the conversation was normal enough. We talked for a while until I needed to go make food and she needed to get ready for dance. From then until about 10, things were normal and frankly I was happy being alone (technically the kid was in the room but you know what I mean).

At 10 she called me. There was something in her voice. She seemed disconnected, out of it, not all there. She was still in the parking lot at the dance studio but wanted to talk. We talked for a few about nothing in particular and then she drove home. She called about 20 minutes later.

What followed was a half hour discussion about how she wants to hide, how she is feeling depressed, anxious, and all sorts of other fucked up feelings. Nothing towards me directly but I am part of the world from which she felt like hiding. There was nothing I could do to help her except listen. In the end I don't think it really helped. We talked for about a 1/2 hour and that was that. I am hoping today will improve her outlook and mood, but if she is anything like me (a cancer controlled by the water and the moon) I don't really expect to see much improvement unfortunately.

What really got me were the two texts I received some time after 11pm. Listen people, I work for a living unlike some of you and texting me stupid shit about 'the game' at late hours is unacceptable. I can't put my phone on silent, nor do I think I should have to do that. Just don't text me stupid crap in the middle of the night. Get a fucking life.

See? I am cranky today. Not good.