Y12 D112

 I am not doing well. Mentally, not physically. Physically I am fine. Well, no, not really. More ear problems. I have another fucking ear infection in my right ear. Hurts like hell. But the bigger problem is my mental state. I am just stuck inside my head once again. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling lost and hopeless right now. I don't feel like anything matters. Especially work. It just all seems so useless. I just feel like the world is falling apart and yet capitalism keeps on cranking, crushing the souls of everyone trapped inside its machinery. Now I have to do some stupid ass mentoring session with people I don't know, never heard of, and with less than 24 hours notice. I mean, what's the point? How is this helping the bigger picture?We're all supposed to pretend that things are normal so old white men can make more money? I mean in the end, is it any deeper than that? When you pause it's depressing. No two ways about it. We're in the shit and no one cares. I read an article about people living in hotels that have been in some cases abandoned by their owners. People living in filth. No power. Not sure where their next meal is coming from. And the sad, sad part is these people have jobs. They work 40-50 hours a week at multiple part time jobs because no one will give them full time work because they don't want to pay benefits. Where this story took place, in order to comfortably afford housing you need to make $20-$30 an hour and these people make $8-$9. The real irony? This is right next door to one of the largest money making venues in the world. Billions of dollars come flooding in normally. Heck, millions are still flowing in right now. Yet, a mile away is a motel strip where gunshots ring out at night and people who are trying their best to make a living are trapped in rooms without AC dying. That divide, that dichotomy of two americas is so striking and shameful. When I try to wrap my head around that and justify the stupid shit I do for a living, it's hard. I get paid to tell people how to make more money, how to squeeze more dollars from patients, from customers, from shippers. How to cut more corners. I perpetuate the wrongness of the world and for that I get my 30 pieces of silver. Add to that when I look around, I see others oblivious to all this pain and crumbling of society and the world. They're disassociating. "It's Fine" is the true motto of 2020. We all know it's not but we fear raising our head too high lest the lawnmower cut it off. So we bury it back in the sand and we watch Rome burn.

Not hard to see why I am depressed, eh?

Yeah. I would tell you I worked, ate dinner, etc. But what's the point? I am surviving. Most of what I do each day is survival. Not enjoyment. I calculate out the 18 hours until I can go to bed again. I fill the hours with whatever meaningless tripe I can to just make it long enough to go back to sleep. That's all I am trying to do right now.

Survive.