"Like a rhinestone cowboy!" Please tell me why that is stuck in my head? Of all the songs in the known universe, why that one? Am I being punished for some past sin? Argh. Maybe it will fade away on its own.
Okay, so yesterday. I got up, I paid bills and was pretty frustrated. $1000 of what I sent out yesterday was for B. This needs to end. I need them to start taking over their own shit. I am done with it. I can't continue to bankroll their life forever. They need to get a fucking job and move on. It really is pissing me off. After being angry and depressed, I went to the grocery store. One of the local nice stores was having an incredible sale on meat and seafood. I got $160 worth of meat and seafood for $74. We are stocked up. They keep warning us it's going to snow and we will be buried so now I know that I have food in this house for at least two weeks. At least. More like a month if I am being honest. So I feel good about that. Worked on some work stuff and waited until it was time to do my internal webinar. It went fine. No issues. Finished around 4:30 and called it a week.
For dinner we made our own udon with shrimp, crab, mushroom, tofu, and fish cake. Was super fucking good. We then settled in and watched a ton of tv. We watched two episodes of Arcane, Terminator 2, and the pilot for That 90s Show. The last one I will only watch for Kitty and Red. I don't like the kids. Maybe they will grow on me, but I doubt it. We'll see how it does. We had a mid-movie goat cheese plate which was awesome. Went to bed around 1am. When I told C I would be up by 7 she was like "WHY??". Meh, why not? I got shit to do today. I always have shit to do. I want to clean out some closets, organize some stuff, having company for dinner, make some muffins, etc. I have things to do, places to go. Plus it's a community day today and I know she will want to play. That's 3 hours of my day taken up by that.
I did have one moment yesterday that gave me pause. B messaged me asking if I knew something about who was going to be at one of the clubs I was going to in the summer. They were asking because they didn't want to run into one of their past lovers. I expressed that I could find out, but it was unlikely since I am not talking to most of those people any more. They were asking because they wanted to take friends to a drag show. It gave me pause because for years, we had no friends. Now that they're out and about, they seem to have this huge friend group. Was I the reason they didn't have friends? Was I the problem? When we were back in CA, I had a huge friend group. I knew all the people. I had cast and was constantly doing things with friends. But here, for the last four years, it's all I have moaned about. I don't want to be a problem for C. I don't want them to not have a friend group like B and resent me. I don't know why I struggle so much here to make friends. I never had this problem. Sure, I made friends through group, but I have just come to find I have so little in common with them. There's this socio-economic gap. No one I know through group would be eating udon, let alone make it themselves at home. Well, that's not true - I know a couple of people, but when it comes to being friends with them, we're both busy. The two or three people I could hang out with are as busy as I am and have their own lives. It's a challenge. Regardless, I talked with C about it and made it clear that I will never stand in their way of having friends or doing things. I encourage it. Plus I discussed how that should be one of our 2023 goals. Make at least two friends. Just two. Let's see how that goes.
Time to get the ball rolling and ride out in this star spangled rodeo...
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