Some weird shit happened last night at group. I opened up in front of a roomful of people and things went weird from there. Allow me to elaborate...
Last night's topic was 'core beliefs'. Up until now we have been discussing automatic and high level thoughts. Those issues that crop up at the surface and tend to derail your immediate mood. Things you can step back from and figure out if they are really issues or if you are blowing something out of proportion. But what happens when it's something deeper? What happens when not one thing is causing your problem but everything is to blame? That usually gets to a 'core belief' - things like 'I am unlovable', 'I am incompetent', etc. No one in the class wanted to volunteer anything because frankly this is heavy shit and can be really uncomfortable. I said screw it, I want my two dollars worth and volunteered to be the class guinea pig. Little did I know how it would affect things.
We started at a situational level and started drilling downward. In the end what was left on the board for my core belief was essentially 'In the end, everyone goes away or lets you down so why bother even trying'. Sound familiar? Yeah, it did to me too.
That forced me to have to open up about my past and some things that I really wasn't 100% ready to face or deal with in class. But we pushed on and started getting to a point where the discussion changed to okay, how do we now chip away at this core belief and make it something that can be dealt with and with which I can live like a relatively normal person. Nothing was resolved as this part of the process doesn't happen in a one hour session but rather over weeks and years. Yay, weeks and years. But it's another tool in my arsenal for coping. That's what counts.
All of this led to at the end of class one of the guys coming up to me and saying hey I went to the same high school you did (I had mentioned my High School because we were talking about the past). He then asked what year I graduated. Guess what? We were in the same class. How random is that? I end up in a depression group with a guy I haven't seen in 25 years. Part of me wanted to tell him well no wonder we're in the same group. In part we suffered through similar shit, we are the same age, and we are dealing with the whole 'we are realizing we won't be rockstars and we are very pissed off' attitude. Definitely made me feel less alone in this and I think it did the same for him.
When I got downstairs, one of the women in class started talking to me. She started telling me about a seminar she is going to tonight and she thinks I should come. Okay, why not? What do I have to lose. It's free, it's something to do, and if it helps, great. So tonight I am going to a seminar in the city. I honestly have no idea what it is on or anything because frankly I was only half listening to her while she was describing it. I was focused more on 'oh something to do on a Wednesday night that doesn't involve drinking? I'm in'.
After group I met a friend for dinner. She is still having some issues and needed someone to hang out with and let loose. Hit me. I am your guy, Captain Nice Guy to the rescue. I won't complain though; she paid for dinner, we had a nice time talking, and I got to go out for a while on a Tuesday.
The only thing that suffered yesterday is work. I need to focus today to make up for it. I don't want to fall behind again with this client. I have a meeting at 10 to discuss where we are and get some spec clarification. I will actually pay attention.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Y4 D25
In my therapy class we are talking about thought records and how when a thought comes through that is affecting your mood you write it down and do all these things with it to examine both the positive and negative. I plan to ask the doctor today what do you do when there is no single thought just a mess of thoughts putting you in a really shitty mood? I spent most of yesterday just frustrated with everything. Nothing in particular just everything. No matter what it was I was getting pissed off. The flies in the house, the kid not cleaning the rabbits, a formula not working right, etc. It was all just pissing me off. How do you write a thought record for that?
It's not all of yesterday sucked though. I did get a package in the mail from my friend which totally made me happy. She got me the 2012 Father's Day Disney pin when she was down there last. That was a nice present. Takes the big board to 502. Jesus. Over 500 of those pins. I'm gonna need a bigger board. Only 498 to go for this year's goal. I can do it. I can always do it. I also got a gift from the local gas station. Weird, right? Well it's the only place I buy my cigarettes from and they received this really nice promotional lighter from the company. Since none of them smoke, they held on to it for me. It's a solid butane lighter and is pretty slick.
I was supposed to go out last night, but no one wanted to go to the club, the kid had nothing to wear, and I was in too pissy of a mood so we didn't go. Not like it would have been anything exciting anyway. Not just her and me. There are some things that just shouldn't be father/daughter and going to a goth club is one of them.
It also felt like the day was shitty to other people too. My friends posted a message in our cast email list about some shit their kid did which was beyond ridiculous. His actions, not their email. This time I am totally siding with them. He threw away an easy sweet deal to be able to smoke pot. What a dumbass. I talked with his dad for like a 1/2 hour last night parent to parent and we both agree he is being stupid as hell. I did the best I could to support him over the phone and told him if his kid comes anywhere around here, I will let them know.
Then at like 2am I get a bunch of texts from another friend who was having drama. She got a new tattoo recently which reflects her beliefs. While I don't agree with her beliefs, it's her body and her business as she has never tried to shove those beliefs down my throat. Well one of her other friends with whom she has been close to for six years decided that he can't be friends with her any more because of this tattoo. It's really hurting her because she hasn't changed. He is being a douche. It would be okay except that this guy is my age and should know better. He is acting like a three year old. She was up most of the night crying. I had to tell her at one point I'm sorry but I have to sleep. Which is why I am getting such a late start today.
I also played Diablo at some point yesterday. Yeah, until I get through the main game with at least one character, then a second, then a third, and finally a fourth, there will be mention of Diablo for a while. This game should satisfy my needs until the end of the year truth be told. It will be perfect for my road trip to Tennessee in July as well. No running around at night when there are demons to kill!
Nothing new on the female front by the way. I decided yesterday I was done chasing. They all know where to find me. To me you shall come! Yeah, right.
It's not all of yesterday sucked though. I did get a package in the mail from my friend which totally made me happy. She got me the 2012 Father's Day Disney pin when she was down there last. That was a nice present. Takes the big board to 502. Jesus. Over 500 of those pins. I'm gonna need a bigger board. Only 498 to go for this year's goal. I can do it. I can always do it. I also got a gift from the local gas station. Weird, right? Well it's the only place I buy my cigarettes from and they received this really nice promotional lighter from the company. Since none of them smoke, they held on to it for me. It's a solid butane lighter and is pretty slick.
I was supposed to go out last night, but no one wanted to go to the club, the kid had nothing to wear, and I was in too pissy of a mood so we didn't go. Not like it would have been anything exciting anyway. Not just her and me. There are some things that just shouldn't be father/daughter and going to a goth club is one of them.
It also felt like the day was shitty to other people too. My friends posted a message in our cast email list about some shit their kid did which was beyond ridiculous. His actions, not their email. This time I am totally siding with them. He threw away an easy sweet deal to be able to smoke pot. What a dumbass. I talked with his dad for like a 1/2 hour last night parent to parent and we both agree he is being stupid as hell. I did the best I could to support him over the phone and told him if his kid comes anywhere around here, I will let them know.
Then at like 2am I get a bunch of texts from another friend who was having drama. She got a new tattoo recently which reflects her beliefs. While I don't agree with her beliefs, it's her body and her business as she has never tried to shove those beliefs down my throat. Well one of her other friends with whom she has been close to for six years decided that he can't be friends with her any more because of this tattoo. It's really hurting her because she hasn't changed. He is being a douche. It would be okay except that this guy is my age and should know better. He is acting like a three year old. She was up most of the night crying. I had to tell her at one point I'm sorry but I have to sleep. Which is why I am getting such a late start today.
I also played Diablo at some point yesterday. Yeah, until I get through the main game with at least one character, then a second, then a third, and finally a fourth, there will be mention of Diablo for a while. This game should satisfy my needs until the end of the year truth be told. It will be perfect for my road trip to Tennessee in July as well. No running around at night when there are demons to kill!
Nothing new on the female front by the way. I decided yesterday I was done chasing. They all know where to find me. To me you shall come! Yeah, right.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Y4 D24
Very tired this morning. Having trouble focusing and getting motivated due to this. I didn't do anything yesterday except play Diablo and stay inside so I don't understand why I am so cloudy this morning. I think I slept okay. Maybe not great, but not bad enough I should be feeling this way this morning. Gah. As to yesterday, yeah, that's all I did pretty much all day. I played Diablo, watched X-Files while we ate dinner, played more Diablo, went to bed. Captain exciting here. Not much else to write about. It was Father's day and the kid gave me a painting she did of Perry the Platypus. Plus a new set of tongs to replace the ones she stole from me to feed her snake. I killed flies during the day. I still can't figure out where they are coming from either which is slipping me into madness. We are supposed to go out tonight. Let's see if that happens. I am probably canceling my date for tomorrow because of work. All over the map today. I need to wake up and work.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Y4 D23
Had a good time at the fair yesterday. We were there all day and I mean ALL day. We got up in the morning and got ready and two of my friends came over right at 10. The fair opened at 11, so we left the house at 10, stopped and picked up the kid's schedule, then stopped at the bank, and found parking about two blocks from the fairgrounds. We got there at 10:40 and waited until they opened the gates.
There were four of us in the morning and we went on all the rides at least twice before settling down for some nasty food. I had a Rockstar Float. THAT was interesting. Loved it. We walked the booths where they had a great animal exhibit with snakes, armadillos, hedgehogs, and various bugs. Rode the rides AGAIN and then we all got exhausted and sun drained and needed a break. We sat for about an hour looking at artwork, all the food entries, the 4H animals - all the standard fair type stuff. During that point we found a great hat dealer and I got a new hat. It looks damn good on me too.
Around 4 a couple of our other friends joined us so we rode the rides AGAIN. (There's a reason I keep mentioning how many times we rode the rides, trust me.) About 5, two more friends joined us but they were hungry and we needed to get in line for the concert. NIGHT RANGER! Yeah, I know. Funny thing with the exception of like four songs I never liked Night Ranger in the 80s either. I always saw them as similar to Def Leppard in that the first album was hard rocking and fun but then they do one power ballad slow song and they are marked for the rest of their career. So I wanted to hear those four songs. Otherwise, it was more the joke of it than anything else. But anyway, we walked over and the line was small but definitely a line. We all got in line while they went off and got food. The doors were supposed to open at 6:30 but they started letting us in at about 6:10 because it was so hot outside. I think they figured it was better to have us inside buying booze and water and food than standing outside bitching in the heat? It was GA for the most part. They had one section as reserved seating but that $30 a ticket. Um no? It's the fair. I am not dropping $30 to see Night Ranger at the fair. Sorry. But that was the first 10 rows. We rushed in and I got us all row 11. There were 7 of us and there were like 15 seats per row. We were good. For the next hour or so we sat and talked and enjoyed the AC. Plus we had fun making fun of all the other people there who were starting to get lit at 6:30. We had one crazy drunk homeless guy next to us. Um wow. He was just out there. When the show started he was all over the place.
They came out around 7:40 and played until 9. It wasn't a bad show. I am not going to knock them for their performance regardless of whether I like their music. They had fun, the drunk old people had fun, we mostly had fun. We were all so tired and hot that it was hard at a couple of points to show major enthusiasm. But in the end it was all good. We got out around 9, rode more rides until about 10, had a late night snack (I had a piece of pizza the size of my head) and called it a night. ALL DAY AT THE FAIR.
We got home and mellowed out then off to bed. That's when the fun started. I got room spins. I had NOTHING to drink yesterday. BUT I rode the rides so many times and ate such nasty food (giant pizza, rockstar float, bbq, fried onion loaf, fried artichoke, garlic fries, etc) that my head and stomach were like nope, you paying now bitch. I ended up on the couch around 12:40 and that helped. I was able to put my back against the back of the couch and it mellowed out the spins. Slept until 9. Yay me.
One side note - this was the first time I spent an extended amount of time with one of the people who went with us. I am glad we spent time. I learned about this person and found out they are really cool and fun to be around. A new person for my inner circle of party friends in the future.
Now to enjoy my father's day.
There were four of us in the morning and we went on all the rides at least twice before settling down for some nasty food. I had a Rockstar Float. THAT was interesting. Loved it. We walked the booths where they had a great animal exhibit with snakes, armadillos, hedgehogs, and various bugs. Rode the rides AGAIN and then we all got exhausted and sun drained and needed a break. We sat for about an hour looking at artwork, all the food entries, the 4H animals - all the standard fair type stuff. During that point we found a great hat dealer and I got a new hat. It looks damn good on me too.
Around 4 a couple of our other friends joined us so we rode the rides AGAIN. (There's a reason I keep mentioning how many times we rode the rides, trust me.) About 5, two more friends joined us but they were hungry and we needed to get in line for the concert. NIGHT RANGER! Yeah, I know. Funny thing with the exception of like four songs I never liked Night Ranger in the 80s either. I always saw them as similar to Def Leppard in that the first album was hard rocking and fun but then they do one power ballad slow song and they are marked for the rest of their career. So I wanted to hear those four songs. Otherwise, it was more the joke of it than anything else. But anyway, we walked over and the line was small but definitely a line. We all got in line while they went off and got food. The doors were supposed to open at 6:30 but they started letting us in at about 6:10 because it was so hot outside. I think they figured it was better to have us inside buying booze and water and food than standing outside bitching in the heat? It was GA for the most part. They had one section as reserved seating but that $30 a ticket. Um no? It's the fair. I am not dropping $30 to see Night Ranger at the fair. Sorry. But that was the first 10 rows. We rushed in and I got us all row 11. There were 7 of us and there were like 15 seats per row. We were good. For the next hour or so we sat and talked and enjoyed the AC. Plus we had fun making fun of all the other people there who were starting to get lit at 6:30. We had one crazy drunk homeless guy next to us. Um wow. He was just out there. When the show started he was all over the place.
They came out around 7:40 and played until 9. It wasn't a bad show. I am not going to knock them for their performance regardless of whether I like their music. They had fun, the drunk old people had fun, we mostly had fun. We were all so tired and hot that it was hard at a couple of points to show major enthusiasm. But in the end it was all good. We got out around 9, rode more rides until about 10, had a late night snack (I had a piece of pizza the size of my head) and called it a night. ALL DAY AT THE FAIR.
We got home and mellowed out then off to bed. That's when the fun started. I got room spins. I had NOTHING to drink yesterday. BUT I rode the rides so many times and ate such nasty food (giant pizza, rockstar float, bbq, fried onion loaf, fried artichoke, garlic fries, etc) that my head and stomach were like nope, you paying now bitch. I ended up on the couch around 12:40 and that helped. I was able to put my back against the back of the couch and it mellowed out the spins. Slept until 9. Yay me.
One side note - this was the first time I spent an extended amount of time with one of the people who went with us. I am glad we spent time. I learned about this person and found out they are really cool and fun to be around. A new person for my inner circle of party friends in the future.
Now to enjoy my father's day.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Y4 D22
I slept extremely well last night. A good deep sleep at that. Had a pretty good day yesterday. I am down from earlier in the week and thanks to the damn doctor still trying to see if my mood changes because of events or the other way around. Still not quite sure.
I had my coffee date yesterday with the one who was ranked pretty low on OKC. She is a nice person that's for sure, but yeah, I get why it ranked us low in terms of match potential. I think there good be friend potential, but nothing more. She is interesting, seems to have her shit together, but, not really my type. In other words, she looks her age. Yeah. I know.
On the way back I stopped by a co-workers to pick up a laptop then came home to work. I finished up some modeling for a client and then also wrote a report for the same client. I do feel I accomplished something work wise yesterday which is always good.
Made strawberry pavlovas last night for company. I had three friends over and we played Cards Against Humanity. Drank some Mike's Hard and had fun. Everyone was out the door before 11 which was good. Probably why I slept well last night. Didn't overdo it on the booze, didn't go out and get crazy.
As for the other ones on the horizon? I decided yesterday I am done chasing. I hit this place once before and it seemed to work better for my state of mind. Let them chase me. Show me you need me not the other way around. I need to know you are thinking about me. For example my date for Monday got moved to Tuesday but whatever. I may cancel it this time just to prove a point. I did get a surprise in the mail yesterday which was nice - the old GF who owed me money still sent $250 and enclosed a note remembering my birthday. The timing is perfect as we are going to the fair today and now I can go guilt free. I had one friend give me free tickets which is nice, and now the other money can handle the ride bracelet and food. We can have a good day at the fair without stressing. There are about 10 of us going today meeting up at all different times. At least 4 of us are going right when it opens this morning which will be fun. I am looking forward to today.
I had my coffee date yesterday with the one who was ranked pretty low on OKC. She is a nice person that's for sure, but yeah, I get why it ranked us low in terms of match potential. I think there good be friend potential, but nothing more. She is interesting, seems to have her shit together, but, not really my type. In other words, she looks her age. Yeah. I know.
On the way back I stopped by a co-workers to pick up a laptop then came home to work. I finished up some modeling for a client and then also wrote a report for the same client. I do feel I accomplished something work wise yesterday which is always good.
Made strawberry pavlovas last night for company. I had three friends over and we played Cards Against Humanity. Drank some Mike's Hard and had fun. Everyone was out the door before 11 which was good. Probably why I slept well last night. Didn't overdo it on the booze, didn't go out and get crazy.
As for the other ones on the horizon? I decided yesterday I am done chasing. I hit this place once before and it seemed to work better for my state of mind. Let them chase me. Show me you need me not the other way around. I need to know you are thinking about me. For example my date for Monday got moved to Tuesday but whatever. I may cancel it this time just to prove a point. I did get a surprise in the mail yesterday which was nice - the old GF who owed me money still sent $250 and enclosed a note remembering my birthday. The timing is perfect as we are going to the fair today and now I can go guilt free. I had one friend give me free tickets which is nice, and now the other money can handle the ride bracelet and food. We can have a good day at the fair without stressing. There are about 10 of us going today meeting up at all different times. At least 4 of us are going right when it opens this morning which will be fun. I am looking forward to today.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Y4 D21
I have actually been up for a little while. Been paying bills, checking emails, etc. I kind of passed out early last night and hence woke up early in return. And when I say passed out I mean exactly that. I started drinking too early too fast last night and was drunk before 7. Hell I was home by 7 who am I kidding. I worked all day and then decided to get the hell out of the house. I just wanted to go out and have some drinks. Nothing exciting just out of the house. I went down to the bar and then came home. I actually didn't get into trouble or do anything stupid. It was just early and I was home early. Weird. I did confirm a date for Monday which is cool. I am excited about that. I am in a little while going to meet another one for coffee and hopefully at some damn point schedule something with the summer fling. I feel a little like I am being strung along on that one - more the thought of having a summer fling than actually pulling the trigger - which is why I am not idling standing by and waiting for her. I have other things to do, other places to put my efforts, etc. I do want to see her and lord knows I want to have fun with her but I also need to keep going with my life. The one I am taking out Monday has good potential but there is definitely a distance issue. We would need to work around that.
What else happened yesterday... oh my boss called me last night while I was a bit slurry. Got to love that. He wanted to discuss the new macs. Yeah, it was a social call which was cool, but not when I am sloppy. I held it together long enough to talk to him about things but it was a tough conversation. I also printed out and made a deck of Cards Against Humanity. I am hoping to have a game tonight at my place. Let's see who shows up.
I have to do my time card now. Our finance guy is bitching. Plus I owe him money so he doesn't like me right now.
OH! I got my new bill from the IRS. Finally got everything applied. New balance? $5300. I can handle that. I can work with it and get it down. I am thinking $200 a month as that will knock it in half by the next file date. If I can do more, I will but at least I should get something back next year if I do this. Slowly things come together...
What else happened yesterday... oh my boss called me last night while I was a bit slurry. Got to love that. He wanted to discuss the new macs. Yeah, it was a social call which was cool, but not when I am sloppy. I held it together long enough to talk to him about things but it was a tough conversation. I also printed out and made a deck of Cards Against Humanity. I am hoping to have a game tonight at my place. Let's see who shows up.
I have to do my time card now. Our finance guy is bitching. Plus I owe him money so he doesn't like me right now.
OH! I got my new bill from the IRS. Finally got everything applied. New balance? $5300. I can handle that. I can work with it and get it down. I am thinking $200 a month as that will knock it in half by the next file date. If I can do more, I will but at least I should get something back next year if I do this. Slowly things come together...
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Y4 D20
What a wonderful Kraken Appreciation Day yesterday turned out to be. Okay, not really, but it was fun. There was much goofiness had by all on Facebook yesterday. The kid worked a good portion of the day as did I. Didn't really leave the house or do anything during the day, but thank goodness for the Internet. It managed to keep me amused. I did chat with two of the four on my horizon and confirmed coffee tomorrow morning with one more. I don't see this one going anywhere, mostly because of differences in values, lifestyles, etc. But the more I stay open, the more opportunities come my way. I just kind of know in my gut that someone in her line of work will not be compatible with my attitudes. She is a financial planner and real estate person. That personality typically does not mesh well with my cavalier attitude. They tend to be more planners versus impulse. I should know, I was married to one for 12 years. But again, I will go, I will play nice, and who knows maybe I will find a new financial planner. Every cloud has a silver lining? More realistically as my therapy group is showing me, every thought has an alternative and a balance.
I took the kid to work and picked her up. When I picked her up we stopped for chinese food and kraken rum. All part of the KAD "tradition". We sat on the floor eating chinese while watching the X-Files. I would have watched the original Clash of the Titans as one is supposed to do it but one it sucks and two I don't have it.
After that I played Diablo while chatting and she did some computer work. She is trying to enter a t-shirt design contest for some clothing company. I saw the t-shirt and it looks pretty good. She is doing the illustrator and photoshop work on it herself too. I was pretty impressed. Went to bed around 11. Slept okay I guess. Nothing horrible but nothing to write home about either.
Oh one thing that happened yesterday as a side note - I have a friend who is reading Year One of this right now. He is about 1/3 of the way through. As he was asking some questions I was rereading parts myself. Goddamn, I repeat myself a lot don't I? It really does seem like it's the same day over and over. Am I really doing things differently or is this just one giant Groundhog's Day? Plus I drank way too much back then and was an ass in trying to prove something sexually. It was all about meeting women and drinking. BUT I also think that had to do partially with my environment. Where I was definitely was more conducive to me being 'social' in the sense that I was at the wine bar or my friend's restaurant almost every night. But still. I was trying way too hard to 'find the one'. It seems like I couldn't take to someone without looking at their mate potential. I would like to think that in the subsequent years I have gotten a little better. I mean sure, I am still looking for someone. But I am a little less asshole about it I'd like to think.
Right?
I took the kid to work and picked her up. When I picked her up we stopped for chinese food and kraken rum. All part of the KAD "tradition". We sat on the floor eating chinese while watching the X-Files. I would have watched the original Clash of the Titans as one is supposed to do it but one it sucks and two I don't have it.
After that I played Diablo while chatting and she did some computer work. She is trying to enter a t-shirt design contest for some clothing company. I saw the t-shirt and it looks pretty good. She is doing the illustrator and photoshop work on it herself too. I was pretty impressed. Went to bed around 11. Slept okay I guess. Nothing horrible but nothing to write home about either.
Oh one thing that happened yesterday as a side note - I have a friend who is reading Year One of this right now. He is about 1/3 of the way through. As he was asking some questions I was rereading parts myself. Goddamn, I repeat myself a lot don't I? It really does seem like it's the same day over and over. Am I really doing things differently or is this just one giant Groundhog's Day? Plus I drank way too much back then and was an ass in trying to prove something sexually. It was all about meeting women and drinking. BUT I also think that had to do partially with my environment. Where I was definitely was more conducive to me being 'social' in the sense that I was at the wine bar or my friend's restaurant almost every night. But still. I was trying way too hard to 'find the one'. It seems like I couldn't take to someone without looking at their mate potential. I would like to think that in the subsequent years I have gotten a little better. I mean sure, I am still looking for someone. But I am a little less asshole about it I'd like to think.
Right?
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Y4 D19
Happy Kraken Appreciation Day! Don't ask. It's this 'holiday' that last year got created by some friends and now we all fill facebook with Kraken related jokes, pictures, etc. On KAD, you eat Chinese food, sacrifice your virgins to the Kraken, and then watch Clash of the Titans. Yeah, I know, but it's fun. Good clean silly fun.
Yesterday was pretty good. Nothing like Monday but not bad. I confirmed one of the four dates and will be having coffee on Friday. I also chatted with two of the other ones yesterday. My ego was doing pretty well still so no real complaints here. I should confirm one more today and see about Sunday. Monday's meeting is more casual, but that should happen too.
Otherwise I worked. Back into the grind of doing some modeling and database work. It is what it is. I did go to group last night. The doctor did ask me one question which I couldn't answer because I had never thought of it in the way she put it - I was honest that I was on an 'up' cycle and odds are I would crash soon enough. She asked if events precipitated the cycles or did the cycles enhance the events. Damn. Good question. Was I really 'high' Sunday and Monday because of things that happened or did I make things happen because I was in a good mood. That is honestly a damn good question. Now I am going to watch to see if when I do go down is it natural or will there be some specific event that triggers it.
Came home and played some D3 before bed while watching CHUD with the kid and KBF. Yes, he's back. I don't know what they are doing. I talked to her after he left and she isn't sure either but she is not looking to get hurt this time around. I told her that was my only concern too. I don't want her getting hurt again. I think they are keeping things casual but I know her, she's too much my kid and will let her heart get in the way. He hurts her again and this time I am not responsible for my actions. I let it slide last time but no way does that happen twice.
Slept pretty good and now I work. I may go out tonight just to get out of the house, but I also am thinking it might just be a good night to play D3. We are definitely having chinese food though regardless. Yay Kraken!
Yesterday was pretty good. Nothing like Monday but not bad. I confirmed one of the four dates and will be having coffee on Friday. I also chatted with two of the other ones yesterday. My ego was doing pretty well still so no real complaints here. I should confirm one more today and see about Sunday. Monday's meeting is more casual, but that should happen too.
Otherwise I worked. Back into the grind of doing some modeling and database work. It is what it is. I did go to group last night. The doctor did ask me one question which I couldn't answer because I had never thought of it in the way she put it - I was honest that I was on an 'up' cycle and odds are I would crash soon enough. She asked if events precipitated the cycles or did the cycles enhance the events. Damn. Good question. Was I really 'high' Sunday and Monday because of things that happened or did I make things happen because I was in a good mood. That is honestly a damn good question. Now I am going to watch to see if when I do go down is it natural or will there be some specific event that triggers it.
Came home and played some D3 before bed while watching CHUD with the kid and KBF. Yes, he's back. I don't know what they are doing. I talked to her after he left and she isn't sure either but she is not looking to get hurt this time around. I told her that was my only concern too. I don't want her getting hurt again. I think they are keeping things casual but I know her, she's too much my kid and will let her heart get in the way. He hurts her again and this time I am not responsible for my actions. I let it slide last time but no way does that happen twice.
Slept pretty good and now I work. I may go out tonight just to get out of the house, but I also am thinking it might just be a good night to play D3. We are definitely having chinese food though regardless. Yay Kraken!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Y4 D18
To paraphrase dear Captain Malcolm Reynolds - I am SO going to that special hell. Yesterday was such a good day I almost feel guilty going to therapy tonight. I am going to feel bad sitting around people who have given up hope, who cry all day, etc. Me? No, I'm good, I just came for the cookies...
So right now I am talking to not one, not two, not even three, but four, yes four, different women at the same time. If I play my cards right between now and next Monday I wil have four different dates. One of which came as a total and utter surprise. One I have been cultivating for a couple weeks, the other two are online matches. Age ranges? 22, 24, 35, 42. The latter is the one I am the least excited about even though it has the strongest chance of coming through. I am the least excited not because of her age but some other reasons. In my OKC profile I write how women never write first. She took me up on the challenge. But the interesting thing is we are marked as only a 30% match. Even though I came through as one of her daily matches. When you read our two profiles they are very similar in tastes too. We both thought this odd and started corresponding. After a few emails back and forth I am starting to see why the magic algorithm put us at 30%. I still think it's low, but not that low. We decided to meet for lunch this week tomorrow to see if we can in person figure out why it was so low.
Number two I met online a week or so ago and we will both be at the same event next monday night and will be using that opportunity to meet. She seems like fun but a little aloof.
Number three is the one I met at a show a couple of weeks ago and have been texting with since then. The only reason we haven't seen each other is distance. She lives far enough away that I have to drive and plan to see her. I am trying to get out there Friday.
Now the last one. Oh the last one. We have been friends for almost two years now. She was with someone when we met and then I started going out with TGF so while we were friends and there was a little tension between us, it was always good natured. Then somewhere in the last month things changed a bit. Things got a little raunchier and a little more direct. Still nothing more than friends being silly, but. No matter as she has been in OR for school for the last six months and our time has been online only. Well she is coming home for the summer and we have been excited to see each other just because we do like each other's company. Yesterday our chats took a decidedly different turn so instead of guessing, I straight up asked her what was going. I was very direct in saying that our conversations for the last month have grown more flirtatious and what was up. She proceeded to then tell me that she likes me, has liked me, and that (as she put it) "getting in her pants was totally an option". Okay. That's as straight forward as I need. We talked (technically IMd) for five fucking hours yesterday. She gets home tomorrow and we are planning on meeting Thursday. I think we both are clear on this being a summer fling as she is planning to go back to school in September, but um, three months is better than zero in my book any day. I would rather be happy for three months than frustrated for one week.
All of that got planned and done yesterday. Yeah. Add to that the fact that I took the day off from work to make up for Saturday so my stress level was zero. I went shopping with a friend in the morning from 9 until about 2, came home and checked emails, did a little bit around the house, waited for the kid to get home from work and dealt with all of the above.
The kid and I had the leftover mac & cheese I made which was still awesome a day later plus some more of the smoked fish. We watched some X-Files, then I played D3 while she did some photoshop work on the computer. She is putting together a portfolio to bring to a company's open house next week. I am proud of her for doing this all on her own. Finally went to bed about 11:30 feeling like it had been a damn good day.
And now it's Tuesday.
So right now I am talking to not one, not two, not even three, but four, yes four, different women at the same time. If I play my cards right between now and next Monday I wil have four different dates. One of which came as a total and utter surprise. One I have been cultivating for a couple weeks, the other two are online matches. Age ranges? 22, 24, 35, 42. The latter is the one I am the least excited about even though it has the strongest chance of coming through. I am the least excited not because of her age but some other reasons. In my OKC profile I write how women never write first. She took me up on the challenge. But the interesting thing is we are marked as only a 30% match. Even though I came through as one of her daily matches. When you read our two profiles they are very similar in tastes too. We both thought this odd and started corresponding. After a few emails back and forth I am starting to see why the magic algorithm put us at 30%. I still think it's low, but not that low. We decided to meet for lunch this week tomorrow to see if we can in person figure out why it was so low.
Number two I met online a week or so ago and we will both be at the same event next monday night and will be using that opportunity to meet. She seems like fun but a little aloof.
Number three is the one I met at a show a couple of weeks ago and have been texting with since then. The only reason we haven't seen each other is distance. She lives far enough away that I have to drive and plan to see her. I am trying to get out there Friday.
Now the last one. Oh the last one. We have been friends for almost two years now. She was with someone when we met and then I started going out with TGF so while we were friends and there was a little tension between us, it was always good natured. Then somewhere in the last month things changed a bit. Things got a little raunchier and a little more direct. Still nothing more than friends being silly, but. No matter as she has been in OR for school for the last six months and our time has been online only. Well she is coming home for the summer and we have been excited to see each other just because we do like each other's company. Yesterday our chats took a decidedly different turn so instead of guessing, I straight up asked her what was going. I was very direct in saying that our conversations for the last month have grown more flirtatious and what was up. She proceeded to then tell me that she likes me, has liked me, and that (as she put it) "getting in her pants was totally an option". Okay. That's as straight forward as I need. We talked (technically IMd) for five fucking hours yesterday. She gets home tomorrow and we are planning on meeting Thursday. I think we both are clear on this being a summer fling as she is planning to go back to school in September, but um, three months is better than zero in my book any day. I would rather be happy for three months than frustrated for one week.
All of that got planned and done yesterday. Yeah. Add to that the fact that I took the day off from work to make up for Saturday so my stress level was zero. I went shopping with a friend in the morning from 9 until about 2, came home and checked emails, did a little bit around the house, waited for the kid to get home from work and dealt with all of the above.
The kid and I had the leftover mac & cheese I made which was still awesome a day later plus some more of the smoked fish. We watched some X-Files, then I played D3 while she did some photoshop work on the computer. She is putting together a portfolio to bring to a company's open house next week. I am proud of her for doing this all on her own. Finally went to bed about 11:30 feeling like it had been a damn good day.
And now it's Tuesday.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Y4 D17
A pretty darn good day yesterday. Not as epic as last Sunday, but I felt I got more accomplished yesterday than the prior week that's for sure. Sleeping in until noon while nice has serious disadvantages. No, I was able to get up and get moving yesterday, not that I did a whole lot. The kid went over to her grandmother's house around noon and when she got back at 2:30 we headed over to the mall. It was hot yesterday, 94 degrees hot, which put me in a bit of a cranky mood but not so bad I didn't enjoy myself. It did make me a little less tolerant of the idiots and morons though. We hung around the mall for a couple of hours doing nothing in particular. She found a new top and that was about it. When we got home I made the greatest pasta of my life - baked mini penne in a bechamel sause that had blue cheese, bacon, bacon fat, and more butter than man is intended to eat. I managed to get it finished in time for her to have some before work. I also smoked about a pound and a half of salmon. That wasn't ready until later and we ended up eating that at like 9. In between all that? Played Diablo, continued to convert TV shows for the AppleTV, relaxed, cleaned the bird's cage, hid from the weather. I didn't nap on purpose. I want to try and force my sleep patterns back to a somewhat 'normal' setting and that means no napping this entire week. That should fix some of the problem that was plaguing me last week. Today I am taking the morning off to make up for the work I did on Saturday. I am going to hang out with a friend and watch the live stream from the WWDC today.
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