Y4 D26

Some weird shit happened last night at group. I opened up in front of a roomful of people and things went weird from there. Allow me to elaborate...

Last night's topic was 'core beliefs'. Up until now we have been discussing automatic and high level thoughts. Those issues that crop up at the surface and tend to derail your immediate mood. Things you can step back from and figure out if they are really issues or if you are blowing something out of proportion. But what happens when it's something deeper? What happens when not one thing is causing your problem but everything is to blame? That usually gets to a 'core belief' - things like 'I am unlovable', 'I am incompetent', etc. No one in the class wanted to volunteer anything because frankly this is heavy shit and can be really uncomfortable. I said screw it, I want my two dollars worth and volunteered to be the class guinea pig. Little did I know how it would affect things.

We started at a situational level and started drilling downward. In the end what was left on the board for my core belief was essentially 'In the end, everyone goes away or lets you down so why bother even trying'. Sound familiar? Yeah, it did to me too.

That forced me to have to open up about my past and some things that I really wasn't 100% ready to face or deal with in class. But we pushed on and started getting to a point where the discussion changed to okay, how do we now chip away at this core belief and make it something that can be dealt with and with which I can live like a relatively normal person. Nothing was resolved as this part of the process doesn't happen in a one hour session but rather over weeks and years. Yay, weeks and years. But it's another tool in my arsenal for coping. That's what counts.

All of this led to at the end of class one of the guys coming up to me and saying hey I went to the same high school you did (I had mentioned my High School because we were talking about the past). He then asked what year I graduated. Guess what? We were in the same class. How random is that? I end up in a depression group with a guy I haven't seen in 25 years. Part of me wanted to tell him well no wonder we're in the same group. In part we suffered through similar shit, we are the same age, and we are dealing with the whole 'we are realizing we won't be rockstars and we are very pissed off' attitude. Definitely made me feel less alone in this and I think it did the same for him.

When I got downstairs, one of the women in class started talking to me. She started telling me about a seminar she is going to tonight and she thinks I should come. Okay, why not? What do I have to lose. It's free, it's something to do, and if it helps, great. So tonight I am going to a seminar in the city. I honestly have no idea what it is on or anything because frankly I was only half listening to her while she was describing it. I was focused more on 'oh something to do on a Wednesday night that doesn't involve drinking? I'm in'.

After group I met a friend for dinner. She is still having some issues and needed someone to hang out with and let loose. Hit me. I am your guy, Captain Nice Guy to the rescue. I won't complain though; she paid for dinner, we had a nice time talking, and I got to go out for a while on a Tuesday.

The only thing that suffered yesterday is work. I need to focus today to make up for it. I don't want to fall behind again with this client. I have a meeting at 10 to discuss where we are and get some spec clarification. I will actually pay attention.