Y2 D97

Holy fucking hell she is still here. This is no longer the longest date in history, it's a fucking relationship. No wait, since we aren't even having sex, it's more like a marriage and not a relationship. I thought I was done with this kind of shit? But I made a promise and I don't go back on promises. I told her I would drive her to her appointment this morning, so drive I shall. Then I will drop her ass off at home, and get back to my regularly scheduled life. Look she is a nice girl and all, but way too much fucking drama. More than any I have had to deal with in a while outside my own sphere. She is like a mini J. And we all know how that turned out. Let's see if I can recap the day...

She was here in the morning. I told her I needed to work so around 5am she finally went off to bed to sleep after being up all night. That gave me about 4 hours of solid peace and quiet while I worked. She was up at 9 and back in my space. I think that's what is bugging me the most, the invasion of my space. I have become very used to having things my way in my space. Here she is in 3 days disrupting that. I don't like it. Bugging the hell out of me. I took her back to her place thinking that would be the end of it, but nope, when we got there she asked if she could just get ready at my place and drive straight in to the appointment in the morning. Mr Nice Guy that I am rolled over and said sure. I really would like to help this girl as I am the natural born protector. I always want to help.

We got back to my place and I continued working while she did whatever it was she was doing on her computer. At some point she started going back and forth across my place making phone calls and crying and I started to put up the wall. No drama please. She finally said she was going for a walk. Like an hour later she called me from a nearby pub. I told her I would pick her up shortly. While she was gone, I made a couple of inquiries to mutual friends about her and the same answer came up - nice girl, too much drama. She just said to me that if she leaves anything here she is sorry, but it should be ok since she will be back, if I want her back, she hopes I want her back. My response? I want you to get through your drama first. I thought that was a politically safe answer. Anyway, the two people I reached out to yesterday to find out about this girl all said I should be very careful and to get her out before she becomes a permanent fixture. That I can see. While she was out on her walk, I was chatting on Facebook with this other girl I met recently on cast. She asked me why I joined cast and I told her the truth. That I needed to have some group of people who didn't judge me and that I thought she was cute. That's one of the reasons I did join these people - I thought this one girl in particular was really cute. We chatted for about a half hour until H1 called me asking me to pick her up. So I did. I was pissy at that point and decided fuck it, if I am being called to a pub, I am having a drink. Was pretty detached to her while we were there. I am hoping she is getting the hint.

Ok, off to make this over and get my space back.

Y2 D96

This is now officially the longest first date in history. Yes, she is still here, yes we spent all day together yesterday. So from the time we left the theater at 2am until now, we are talking a total of 29 hours together. We haven't killed each other, wanted to send the other home, or had to be attached at the hip the whole time either. That's the weird part - there have been a couple of points where we were at my place, but kind of doing our own thing. It was interesting. She was doing something on the computer as was I. We left for a while to go back to her place. She needed to pick up some stuff like her autoharp (yes, we will get to that in a minute) and her computer. She also asked me "should I grab a change of clothes in case I stay the night again?". Sure, why the hell not. In those 29 hours we have "slept" together twice, and yet, nothing has happened. I am slightly confused, but at the same time enjoying the companionship. Weird feeling having someone else in my house.

BTW - I knew she was someone interesting and possibly right for me when the first night I met her, we were talking about something and she randomly says "I am Jack's wasted life". Um, marry me? Or at the very least, spend the next like three days straight with me? I don't expect her to leave any time soon. She is currently asleep in my bedroom. I slept from like 2 - 6 but she was up. We both slept from about 9 - 12, but then got back up for a while, or at least I did. This is why she is now sleeping and I am typing.

Here it is Monday. What a long strange trip it's been getting here.

Y2 D95

I don't have a lot of time to write this so pardon me if it is abrupt. I don't want her to know I am writing this while she is asleep in the other room because I don't want her coming in and reading over my shoulder. Yes, there is someone in the other room of my place. No, we did not have sex. We met at the show last night, ended up getting pie at 3am, then came back to my place and talked until 5:30 before going off to bed. Just bed, just sleep. Of course since 3 hours is like a vacation to me, I am up and she is still crashed out. She will be H1. I do not believe there to be any other "H" girls, but let's make her H1 instead of just H.

She is a part time former full time cast member and came to the show last night because it was a big deal as it was supposed to be the last show at this historic theater. I say, was supposed to be because right at the start of the show, the manager made a huge announcement that a deal had been cut with the building owner to allow them to stay open until a buyer could be found who would keep it a theater! I noticed her when I got there, but didn't know her and it was all so chaotic that I didn't have a chance to talk to her.

I should back up to the beginning of yesterday. I had a LONG day. Left for the airport at around 10am. Managed to get an earlier flight from Louisiana to DFW. But no earlier flight there which left me a three hour layover in Dallas. Thank goodness for the Admiral's Club. At least I had a place to relax that was right across the gate. Right when I landed in Dallas and turned on my phone, I got notification that my upgrade request was approved for the flight home. YAY. Not only will I relax before the flight, I won't be stressed. Best part? It was a real first class, not just slightly bigger seats -- individual pods with monitors, power adaptors, 4 million way chairs. Sigh. Happy. Watched Scott Pilgrim and The Expendables on the ride, had a great BBQ Chicken salad, got off feeling good. Long travel day, but felt good.

Came home, took care of the critters, baked for the cast, and headed out for the show.

Now we are back to me meeting H1. I was outside at one point as my cues were done for a while. She was in back just hanging out. We started talking and she was making some comments that were pretty sly and slight innuendos, so I came right out and asked her "are you sober?". She looked at me for a second and said "yeah pretty much at this point, why?". I said because I really want to kiss you, but I won't do it unless I know you are sober. She grabbed me. Kissed me. Next thing I know, pie.

She is really cool. We both agreed last night that we would actually like to see each other and that's why we chose not to have sex. Or as she put it - "I know the sex will be amazing, but I think I would also like to get to know you...". Very cool.

There's a scene in Scott Pilgrim where they decide not to have sex (there were some weird parallels going through my head all night having just watched the movie) and he says something along the lines of "it's ok, I just needed this, thank you". The the "this" is just laying there in bed together. I get that. I needed to just fall asleep with someone next to me. It felt good to have that again even it is a brief moment.

And no -- I am not going to tell you how old she is. I will say she looks like Faruza Balk. Plus she has some very cool tattoos. Yeah, she is a bit of a wild one. But at the same time, actually pretty damn deep. Let's see where this goes. I obviously still have to drive her home because while I would love to hang out with her today, I have a ton of shit to do after being gone for almost four full days. I think I am going back to bed.

Y2 D94

Ever have one of those days fellow singletons, where it feels like you see nothing but couples? Not in a bad way, just that every time you turn around you see people together. I had one of those kind of days yesterday after work. Work was good; we wrapped up the stuff we needed to get done around 3. I had to debate wether it was worth the effort to head to the airport early and see if I could get home last night or just wait for my flights today. I decided to wait until today. Mostly because I knew if I tried catching standby flights and running around airports, I would either stress out completely or find myself stuck in airports all night long. Wasn't worth the hassle. I have confirmed flights today, so just take them. I won't get home for another 12 hours but it's not like I have anyone waiting at home for me.

See? That's probably why I felt like all I saw were couples. I was feeling like there's no reason to rush home because it doesn't matter if I am here or there. After work, I headed up to my room, relaxed for a little while then headed down to the restaurant for dinner. Seafood Friday. All you can eat seafood of all types. I had shrimp, king crab legs, frog legs, salmon, and a good dessert. Even if I wasn't comp'd, it was a darn good dinner for the price.

I kept looking around while at dinner wondering first off, how are there so many fat people in this area? No, seriously, these people are fucking huge. Men and women both. I had to clusters of crab legs while the table next to me had like twenty. Disgusting. But yet, they found each other. The funny looking guy over? Yep, even he has somebody. Am I too picky? Am I wanting something that doesn't exist? Am I living a fantasy? I don't know the answer to any of these questions. Well, I know the too picky part. Yes, I am. I want what I want and this time I will kill to protect what I believe in. I could have stayed with N1. I could have compromised and right now would have had someone waiting for me at home. But I would have still been searching. I would have still been wondering what if. I still think I did the right thing when it comes to her. For better or worse.

After dinner, headed back to my room and watched a couple of movies - Salt and Vampire Suck. Salt was acceptable, but not really that good. Vampires Suck was just straight up awful. Nobody knows how to make good parody movies anymore. Whatever happened to the days of airplane? Good parody is subtle not corny.

Watched the movies, went to bed. Now today I travel. With no one at home waiting for me...

Y2 D93

I will not have a repeat of Arizona. I WILL NOT HAVE A REPEAT OF ARIZONA. Wait... is that my client over there? Hold on, is that... is that a stripper in his lap? Is his hand? Holy shit it is. Ok, I am good...

Yeah, I had a night. And damn. This time at least the client was with me. Hell, it was his idea. It all started out innocently enough, I swear. We worked all day and then around 6 we met down in the lobby to go have a simple dinner. It was me, the client, the GM of the property, and another vendor. The vendor amused me. He was a sales guy for one of the software companies that the property uses to run their machines. He was kissing ass so hard it cracked me up. My main contact here aka "the client" was smirking and enjoying the ride of watching the sales guy squirm. We went over to a local steakhouse. Surprisingly it was really good. It was in a strip mall next to a KMart but damn it was good. The client was drinking wild turkey, oh wait, let me back up... Him and I started in the hotel bar while we waited for the other two guys. He was drinking patron and I was drinking gin. We each had a couple, not too much. We got to the restaurant and like I said, he started drinking wild turkey. I switched over to campari. I think we each had about 4 with dinner. Damn good steak dinner. Not to mention some very cute, very young waitresses. A little harmless flirting, a good dinner, some drinks, some laughs, and I thought we were done. Oh hell no, it was just starting...

We got back to the hotel around 8:30 or 9 and headed back to the hotel bar. We had a couple more drinks and then a friend of the client showed up. He suggested "let's go to X and have a couple of beers". Ok no biggie, we can do that. Well, he changed his mind halfway there and took us to a strip club where he knows everyone. I was not prepared for that. I didn't have any cash on me and lord knows I can't afford to be hanging in a strip club. I took him aside and told him that I wasn't really prepared financially to go in but I would be happy to buy a few rounds of drinks. He said that's cool, don't worry about anything else. Alright. I was honest upfront and didn't put myself in a bad position.

A few rounds? Nope. Seventeen or twenty drinks later, all I remember is the lights coming on and the DJ telling us all to "go the fuck home". We had at least five or six of these things called "cherry bombs". Cherries that have been living in Everclear for months. Holy shit. Dangerous stuff. I did end up buying a few rounds and a lap dance or three. Goddamn young girls smell good. No, seriously, I don't know what they tell these girls to bathe in, but jeez they smell so wonderful. I forgot how good a woman smells. Especially a young woman, naked, grinding on you. Yeah yeah, I am a dirty old man. Whatever. I do remember that I took one in back just more out of boredom. She started to dance and I was like "don't worry about it, just sit on my lap for the song". She thought I was kidding. I told her that I was serious I just wanted the company for a few minutes. I guess there was something in my eyes when I said that because she gave me this look and then put her arm around my neck and we just sat there. I enjoyed the moment. We went back out, more cherry bombs, more half naked women, then time to go. I don't remember much of the drive back to the casino, but I do remember the client's friend being all quiet and pissy. I think he is just a bad drunk. We got back to the casino around 2:30 and he just took off. We don't know what happened to him. The client and I headed over to the all night food counter, I won't go as far as calling it a restaurant, and I ordered a greasy ass eggs and bacon sandwich. Took that sucker to my room and I think I ate most of it. Next thing I know it's 8am and I am on the bed with the container on the floor, bacon on the sheets, and my clothes on. Yay me. Luckily my commute consisted of walk down a hall, get in the elevator, go down nine floors, turn left into a conference room. All of three minutes. I needed to be down here by nine and I was here by nine showered and ready to go. The client texted me at 9:30 - "no breakfast, be down soon". I am working with one of his employees today so it wasn't a big deal, but it sure as hell was funny. He came in around 10 looking a little beat up but given the night we had, we both are doing better than most.

All in all? I spent $60 in cash, $70 on a credit card, had WAY too much to drink, three lap dances, young girls hanging around me, I didn't drive, I made it back in one piece, I didn't puke, and I didn't fuck up with the client. I consider that a win.

Y2 D92

Another long day mostly because of travel and time changes. Got onsite in the morning, met with the client briefly, came up to my room, showered, and went back down to work.

My room is great. I do love having a Casino/Hotel as a client. Comp'd room, comp'd food, etc. I have a wonderful hot tub spa tub in my room, a king size bed, a full work area, and I don't have to worry about anything.

The client has a new guy on staff which is the reason I am out here. This is the first time he has met the other folks from the Chicago office. I don't think he knew what to expect. I think these guys scare him a little bit. Me? I fit right in. There's a reason why they have me on this project.

We finished up work around 5:30 and agreed to meet for dinner at 7. I went back to my room and changed, and promptly fell asleep. I woke up around 7:15 but luckily all I had to do was get down to the lobby. I realized yesterday btw that when I was here last, I had just started dating J2. I remember describing the tub in the room and what I would do with her in it. How far I have come? Yeah right.

I get down to the restaurant and the client is already drinking. I order a diet coke, apologize that I am too tired to run around with him tonight, and get some dinner to go. I come back to the room, eat, and bed. Boom, done.

At 3:47, I get a text from the client: "I should have listened to you and went to bed early. See you in the morning".

Damn. I thought I was good. This boy is worse than me. I can't wait to see how he is when I go downstairs in a few minutes.

Y2 D91

Here I am in Louisiana. Made it safe all in one piece. Managed to get an early flight from DFW so I am here a good hour before I thought.

Yesterday was... interesting. For the most part the day was uneventful and boring. It was until the early evening that things took a turn. And for once, for the better. It was hot all day and I am actually worried about the animals while I am gone. I did my best to set things up for them, but I am not going to be happy to come home to dead critters.

In the morning I ran around taking care of last minute errands such as stuff for the animals - extra water bottles, food, etc. By 11am I was done and bored. I started baking some butter cakes for the cast as I knew I would be seeing some of them later in the evening. Around 2, my boss asked me to do some work for this client, but they had already left for the day because of the time difference so I have to knock that work out sometime while I am here as well as the other work I am supposed to be doing while here. Around 6, I headed down to the bar where we were all going to meet.

We were scheduled to unload the vans from the Reno trip at 8:30 at the normal theater where the cast performs. We all agreed to meet at the bar first. The "bar" as I loosely put it, is more of an upscale eatery/pub. While I waited for everyone to show, I sucked down Campari and foie gras done in a torchon and seared. It was right then that the night turned. I realized I was happy. I realized that things are ok and I can't complain. I was enjoying some good food, waiting for good people, and have a job. Yes, I have like $300 in the bank to last me until the 1st, but so what? I can do it. I can be a good boy and make it through. Hell, I am gone until Saturday which means I shouldn't spent a dime over the next 4 days. When I get home I may need to lay low for a few days, but realistically, I should be able to make it. I could use a couple hundred extra as a buffer, but cest la vie. I should be ok when everything goes out on the 1st. We will see. I just started doing the math in my head and it will be tight, but... Shit, now I am thinking more about the math... I need to do some number crunching tonight and make sure I am ok...

Regardless, when everyone showed up (about six of us), I again had that feeling of "belonging" that I enjoyed while in Reno. These people like me for me. Not for what I buy them, not for what I have, just for me. I like that. Made me feel warm and fuzzy. We went over to the theater around 8:30, unloaded the van, and went our ways. Later on I got an invite from one of them for a party in September. That made me feel good as they had set this party up a while ago and asked me to join in on the fun. Do I actually belong? Don't get your hopes up yet bubba, but maybe, just maybe...

Headed to the airport around ten. Had my first class upgrade so it wasn't stressful except for when I passed by one gate. The flight was boarding to X2's area of the world. I had that momentary heart skip. I know the odds are low logically of running into her, but just for smallest of moments, I wondered. I looked around the boarding area out of habit more than desire. But it was there. Just for that split second.

Boarded at midnight, drove everyone in first class nuts because I had my light on the whole time. Nope, didn't sleep. Read Chuck Palahuniak's new book Tell-All. Two thumbs up. Better than Pygmy. Yes, I read the whole book on a 3.5 hour flight. Yay me?

Ok, client is arriving, I can hear his voice. Off to work. Wish me luck that I figure out if I have any money...

Y2 D90

I can't believe we are only 90 days into this new year of life. Feels so much longer at this point. Is that because I have experienced so much in a short period or is it because I have seen nothing and the days just feel longer and less meaningful than they should? You decide. I am tired of figuring it out.

An extremely uneventful day. Sat around because I have nothing scheduled until I fly out tonight. You can't put a guy on a project for a day and a half and since I am booked basically from today through Saturday, yesterday was a "free" day. Most people would relish a Monday off, but when you don't get paid if you don't work, you wish for extra things to do.

I spent most of the day getting the house ready for me to leave, but there's still a few things left to do today. Mostly today is about getting animals ready. The temperature finally rose here and I know the house is going to get hot while I am gone. I need to go today to get an extra water bottle for the rabbits, grass for the cat, and setup extra bowls of food. Of course it's only 5:20am and nothing is open yet which means I have at least 4 or 5 hours this morning of sitting inside my head.

Y2 D89

I honestly didn't do much yesterday except recuperate. I made myself some indian food for dinner and watched some bad TV. Otherwise? Nope, nothing exciting. I did think about a couple of things though...

Yesterday would have been our 13th wedding anniversary. This is the thing of interest I was alluding to earlier in the week. I was worried that I would be all wrapped up and moping because of it. Thank god for the trip to Reno. Not only did I not have time to be dwelling on the past, but I realized that it is the past. Soon enough I won't even realize the day has come and gone until after the fact, but at the very least I wasn't dwelling on it either. Not like last year. Last year it hit me hard that I wasn't having an anniversary. This year? Meh, it hurts, but the sting is less. It's a passing reminder of the day.

The other thing I realized yesterday is one of the reasons these last few days have made me so happy is that I am playing by my rules. I am not worried that my actions are going to embarrass somebody or make them feel stupid. I was able to be 100% free the last few days.

I also realized that I have stopped chasing the wrong or my correctly, someone else's dream. I never wanted the white picket fence, the mortgage, the two car garage, the 401k. That was someone else's dream. They wanted that. I was along for the fucking ride. I figured if I make their dream come true then they will help me. Little did I know at the time that the only person who will help you is you. I don't mean that in a cynical cranky way either. More in a you have to help yourself before you expect others to help you way. I think that's a fair and reasonable statement. Unless I can show that I know what I am doing, the path I am on, and that I am doing the best I can, why should someone else help me? This is getting muddled, but I know what I mean in my head. I know that I am tired of worrying about wether I have put someone else on the right path. I can't live their dreams. I need to find and focus on my own desires.

Rambling. Signing off. Have to get ready for my road trip tomorrow.

Y2 D88

I just had the most incredible 24 hours. I finally found a group of people with whom I fit! People who are insane, loud, crazy, young AND old, and accept me for who I am.

Let's start at the beginning...

My buddy and I rolled out of our area at 3am. We made the drive to Reno in 3.5 hours. Smooth sailing. We rolled into town around 6:30. Man what a dump Reno has become. We had breakfast then met up with everyone at the event center around 10 to setup. While we were waiting for the group to show, we walked around giving out free tickets. The event center is on the University of Reno campus and there were tons of students already milling around. I gave a pair to these two girls and after they hugged me and ran away giggling, I started to get an idea of just how big this was going to be.

We had from 10am until 11am to setup. Our director's stress level was through the roof. She was so tweaked out, but now having lived through it, I understand. We unloaded the van, marked stage, marked our after show donation request spots, etc. We were done around 11:30 and then I pulled out ice cream. I had brought with me about 14 small tupperware containers filled with ice cream. The cast went nuts. I was starting to put things away and one of the girls leaned over and kissed me on the head. "That was for ice cream". She then hugged me saying - "I love you for bringing me ice cream, I hate you for making me fat". Alrighty then. Works for me. Again, getting a sense of the group and things to come...

We then met up with another friend for lunch and to bum around Reno. That was pretty uneventful although I had my badge on for the show that night and a few people in town stopped me when they saw it. Wether it was that they wanted tickets, or to meet the cast, or that they had seen the cast in the hotel, everyone had a story they wanted to tell.

I now know why people become roadies...

We were starting to get bored and exhausted by around 3. Reno is not a very exciting city. Neither of us wanted to spend money gambling, we didn't want to drink, and we had no hotel room. So we headed over to the event center, parked in the garage out of sight, and took an hour nap. During that time, my other friend who lives locally called and met up with us around 5. At 5:30 or so we moved the car into the "performer's" area back around the loading dock. I went inside to get ready and they went to get in line. There was already a line forming by 6pm. I would say there were a good 50 people in line 2 hours before the show.

For about 1/2 hour we went through our final prep and then a bunch of us decided to go check out the line and get the crowd worked up. Wow. Insane. I felt so good. Like I was part of something big and fun. I started to get the adrenaline rush at that point. Around 7 they let the crowd in and same thing - here's where I had one of my shining moments - I started walking the floor as I could come and go as I please with my little badge. With the help of one of the other cast members, we got the crowd into a frenzy. I noticed at one point my two directors watching me. Later in the night, the wife told me that I was her new favorite person because when she saw me getting the crowd worked up, she knew it was a good thing I was part of the group. That made me feel good. Again, I finally found some place where I belong. A place where I could be as loud and silly as I want and it's a fucking GOOD thing.

The main fun started around 8 with virgin games, rules, and time warp instructions. From there it was all a whirlwind and blur. Move props, change sets, put things away, move cables; just non-stop until the end of the show. It was an energy level I can't even describe in words. I will say that the bond I felt between the five of us on tech crew gave me one of the warmest feelings. Plus as the actors came backstage to change and get water, I saw their energy which kept me going.

Side note - at one point it struck me how different theater people can be from outside folks. I have never hung out backstage at a show like this where I was part of the whole thing. Watching people throw off clothes and change and move like they did was amazing and impressive. Also how non-chalant people are around each other because it's about the show. I saw more of the cast's bodies than I have seen anywhere else in a long time. The girls throwing off their tops to change, the guys dropping pants to change, it was all just a normal thing. And funny enough, while I was conscious of these things going on, I was too fucking busy to care. That's when I realized, oh god, I am a drama person. But I liked it.

The show went perfect. Didn't miss a single mark, didn't screw anything up. That's all one can ask. When the show hit a certain point, all of us on tech and security ran off to our donation locations. We were there to ask for donations as people were leaving. Long story long, I made the most money out of our group which was driving one of the girls nuts. She looked over at me at one point and said "But I have boobs!" To which I responded, "yes, but I have a bigger mouth". 'Nuff said.

There were at least two after parties we knew of going on, one right across the street and another a ways downtown. The one across the street had supplied us with hundreds, literally hundreds of free wine or beer drink tickets. Guess where we ended up? I was still high on the show as we walked into the bar and I decided to have fun. As me and some of the tech and security folks walked in, I announced to the room "LADIES AND GENTLEMAN - IT IS TIME NOW TO MEET THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE FROM YOUR ROCKY HORROR SHOW! TECH AND SECURITY!!". The room went nuts. I couldn't believe it. At least 3/4 of the room had been at the show and many of them were in costume. People wanted to buy us drinks, they wanted pictures, it was crazy. Then I saw some of the performers pulling up. I did it again, I announced THEM to the room and all hell broke loose - cameras, booze, etc. We were there a couple of hours where some of the cast started getting pretty heated and we all decided it was time for food.

Off to one of the casinos. I should mention my two friends had kept up with me the whole time. The cast accepted them into our little fold and they were having the time of their lives too. That made me feel good. I wanted them to be happy. 20 of us, 1/2 in costume walking through a casino at 1am. Yeah we were a sight to see. What fun.

We ate and got in the car at 2. Drive straight home. I slept from 7 until noon. Now to pick up the pieces of my car, my voice, my body. I am exhausted, thrilled, excited, and drained all at the same time. I can't wait until our next show next saturday in the city.

Some final thoughts - I didn't screw up. I didn't make any drunken moves on anyone even though a couple of them did on me. I also didn't put my foot in my mouth or piss anyone off. This is big for me. I need this. I need this energy, this social group. I can't fuck it up.