115 days to go until we hit year three. Scary shit baby.
Yesterday was spent cooking and prepping all day for the 4 hour dinner I served my grandmother and aunt. Eight courses, decent conversation, and a messy kitchen. My grandmother drives me nuts sometimes but as I finally realized last night, it's because we are too similar. It's funny, I am nothing like either of my parents where as I am very much like both my maternal grandfather and my maternal grandmother. Interesting how certain things skip a generation. Probably because my parents were way too young when they had me. This is how I know that having an abortion is the best solution for my niece. The last thing she needs is to be a mother at 18. It will only screw her and her child up. She goes in tomorrow. I hope she is doing okay with everything.
Honestly the whole day was spent in the kitchen and there wasn't much else to do. I didn't even have a chance to talk to the kid yesterday. I did enjoy myself cooking and somehow managed to even eat for once instead of just worrying if everyone else is eating.
Back to the client today but hopefully I can work remotely either tomorrow or Wednesday. Wednesday would be perfect because then I can get to bed early and start the weekend.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Y2 D249
I managed to pull out of the tailspin again. I am getting much better at this I think. I spent the entire day inside with the exception of one trip to the grocery store. I am making dinner for my racist psycho grandmother and aunt tonight. Thanks to that damn article in the paper, they now want to taste my cooking. Sigh, fine, ok. Eight course meal on its way. I need to start prepping in a few.
But being in the house yesterday like that just gave me too much time to ponder and think. The enemy of sanity is time alone. I never understand why they put crazy people in solitary. Seems to me you would want to put them around groups of people to balance out the crazy. Too much time alone. Dangerous. I was starting to feel the alone-ness of my life about midday. I do sometimes still worry I will be alone forever and days like yesterday don't help.
Anyway, went to the grocery store. Spent about $70 but it wasn't all for tonight. Or at least I should say I will have leftovers that will take me through the week and beyond. For example they had cornish game hens on sale by one package get one free. For $7 I have four in the freezer right now. That equates out to roughly 7 or 8 meals for me by myself. When I break it down that way, it doesn't feel so bad. I have about $300 to last me the week, only have a couple of small bills left (about $150 total), and then it will be the weekend and the kid's birthday. I have a couple hundred sitting off to the side in emergency mode if I need it, but I am trying not to touch it. It's money I have to pay back if I touch it which perpetuates the vicious cycle but it's there if the shit hits the fan. I can manage. I have to manage, there's no other way around it, right?
Made myself some tacos around 6 or so. I had to drive the prop van last night which is one of the scariest things I have ever done. This thing is a 1970s Ford camper style van with shit brakes, leaks in a few places, a seat that doesn't move, no shoulder belt, and no radio. I was freaking out the whole time. Oh and it was on E the entire trip. The last 5 miles home were knuckle biters. I left early because I was worried about how long it would take in the van. One of the other tech folks went with me. That was interesting. She is a nice person, but socially retarded (self-admission). The drive up was very quiet. We got to the theater WAY early. Call time was 10:40 and we rolled in at 9:21. No one else was even in the bar yet. I looked at her and said, well, a movie starts at 9:25, want to see it? The theater ended up letting us in for free because we are Rocky folk and her and I saw "The Illusionist". It's a French film nominated for the Oscar in Best Animation. I had been wanting to see it and I highly recommend it. It was pretty damn good. Funny part was when the movie was over we come out into the lobby and there's the rest of cast. I start talking and someone tells me to keep my voice down because of the audience. We start laughing saying WE WERE THE AUDIENCE.
We nailed it last night. For the first time in weeks, we didn't get yelled at after the show. We had our timing down, we were invisible, we had all our props, etc. It was a GOOD show. The sense of accomplishment we all felt at the end was great. Our directors gave us a kudos in the lobby after and we were off. That really helped raise my spirits. Plus one of my co-cast could tell I was off a little and she just said a few kind words that helped shift my mental state. I have said it before and I will say it again - if I hadn't found this group of people, I don't think I would be alive right now. At least not in any healthy sort of way. This saved me. Better than God or booze. It gives me a light.
Got home around 3:30. Slept for six and now I have to go prep. 8 hours until I have to put on my mask for the 'family'.
Four days and I am the parent of an 18 year old... Jeeez.
But being in the house yesterday like that just gave me too much time to ponder and think. The enemy of sanity is time alone. I never understand why they put crazy people in solitary. Seems to me you would want to put them around groups of people to balance out the crazy. Too much time alone. Dangerous. I was starting to feel the alone-ness of my life about midday. I do sometimes still worry I will be alone forever and days like yesterday don't help.
Anyway, went to the grocery store. Spent about $70 but it wasn't all for tonight. Or at least I should say I will have leftovers that will take me through the week and beyond. For example they had cornish game hens on sale by one package get one free. For $7 I have four in the freezer right now. That equates out to roughly 7 or 8 meals for me by myself. When I break it down that way, it doesn't feel so bad. I have about $300 to last me the week, only have a couple of small bills left (about $150 total), and then it will be the weekend and the kid's birthday. I have a couple hundred sitting off to the side in emergency mode if I need it, but I am trying not to touch it. It's money I have to pay back if I touch it which perpetuates the vicious cycle but it's there if the shit hits the fan. I can manage. I have to manage, there's no other way around it, right?
Made myself some tacos around 6 or so. I had to drive the prop van last night which is one of the scariest things I have ever done. This thing is a 1970s Ford camper style van with shit brakes, leaks in a few places, a seat that doesn't move, no shoulder belt, and no radio. I was freaking out the whole time. Oh and it was on E the entire trip. The last 5 miles home were knuckle biters. I left early because I was worried about how long it would take in the van. One of the other tech folks went with me. That was interesting. She is a nice person, but socially retarded (self-admission). The drive up was very quiet. We got to the theater WAY early. Call time was 10:40 and we rolled in at 9:21. No one else was even in the bar yet. I looked at her and said, well, a movie starts at 9:25, want to see it? The theater ended up letting us in for free because we are Rocky folk and her and I saw "The Illusionist". It's a French film nominated for the Oscar in Best Animation. I had been wanting to see it and I highly recommend it. It was pretty damn good. Funny part was when the movie was over we come out into the lobby and there's the rest of cast. I start talking and someone tells me to keep my voice down because of the audience. We start laughing saying WE WERE THE AUDIENCE.
We nailed it last night. For the first time in weeks, we didn't get yelled at after the show. We had our timing down, we were invisible, we had all our props, etc. It was a GOOD show. The sense of accomplishment we all felt at the end was great. Our directors gave us a kudos in the lobby after and we were off. That really helped raise my spirits. Plus one of my co-cast could tell I was off a little and she just said a few kind words that helped shift my mental state. I have said it before and I will say it again - if I hadn't found this group of people, I don't think I would be alive right now. At least not in any healthy sort of way. This saved me. Better than God or booze. It gives me a light.
Got home around 3:30. Slept for six and now I have to go prep. 8 hours until I have to put on my mask for the 'family'.
Four days and I am the parent of an 18 year old... Jeeez.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Y2 D248
Old habits die way too hard and get me into way too much trouble. I will give you three guesses what I did wrong last night and the first two will be wrong. Yeah, I went out, yeah I acted the idiot, and yes I am paying for it this morning.
Let's see, inconsequential stuff first -- worked at the local client, died my hair to kill the gray, decided I was done growing it out, and buzzed it back to short. That's when the intelligent decisions stopped.
Went off to the pig dinner. Brought my own bottle of wine to try and save some money on this. I was honestly looking forward to two things. This wasn't about drinking. This was about seeing a friend I haven't seen in five years and having an incredible dinner.
Two pig dinners, a bottle of wine, and way too many assorted cocktails later...
Look, I had a great time. The meal was fantastic, she was beautiful and wonderful company, but the bottom line is I spent too much money. Sad but true. Honestly I had half expected her to kick in something or at least offer and she didn't which kind of bummed me out. But it's ok. I just don't think I will invite her to something like that again. This by the way was not a date. We honestly were really good friends once and I had been thinking about her for some reason. She has a boyfriend and seems happy. This is also why I kind of thought she would chip in something towards the meal. If she wants to hang out again, I am going to tell her it's her turn to pick up the tab. Only right, only fair.
Today I have to prep for a show, get ready for dinner I am serving tomorrow, and clean the house. Off I go.
Let's see, inconsequential stuff first -- worked at the local client, died my hair to kill the gray, decided I was done growing it out, and buzzed it back to short. That's when the intelligent decisions stopped.
Went off to the pig dinner. Brought my own bottle of wine to try and save some money on this. I was honestly looking forward to two things. This wasn't about drinking. This was about seeing a friend I haven't seen in five years and having an incredible dinner.
Two pig dinners, a bottle of wine, and way too many assorted cocktails later...
Look, I had a great time. The meal was fantastic, she was beautiful and wonderful company, but the bottom line is I spent too much money. Sad but true. Honestly I had half expected her to kick in something or at least offer and she didn't which kind of bummed me out. But it's ok. I just don't think I will invite her to something like that again. This by the way was not a date. We honestly were really good friends once and I had been thinking about her for some reason. She has a boyfriend and seems happy. This is also why I kind of thought she would chip in something towards the meal. If she wants to hang out again, I am going to tell her it's her turn to pick up the tab. Only right, only fair.
Today I have to prep for a show, get ready for dinner I am serving tomorrow, and clean the house. Off I go.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Y2 D247
Yesterday during the day I was in a lousy mood. Mostly because of the driving I was forced to do for work. The actual meeting which took me 90 minutes to get to, lasted roughly 90 minutes and was a complete waste. Sorry boss, but I didn't need to drive for 90 minutes to hear what I heard. I could have easily done it on the phone. I don't have to be back out there until February 8th, but even then it is going to be a bitch of a daily drive. Since I didn't want to backtrack 50 miles to go home before the play, I decided to head straight there. I arrived an hour early even with it taking me two hours to get from the client to where the play was downtown.
The night however in a fraction of the time, made up for any issues I had during the day.
While I was waiting for my friends, I got some AWESOME news. For the kid's birthday next week I am taking her to Disneyland. Stressing a little on how I am going to pay for everything, but I think I have it budgeted well. It's budgeted VERY tight, but I think we can do it. Someone might get paid a couple days late, but it will be worth it, especially with the news I got last night. For those who don't know, inside Disneyland is a restaurant not open to the general public called Club 33. It is the only place in the park where you can order a drink. I got us a reservation for dinner. Thanks to a friend who has a client with a membership, we are having dinner at 8:45 next Friday at Club 33. I have waited my entire life to get into this place. Membership for an individual is $7500 a year and the last time I tried to become a member, it was a four year waiting list. The kid gets to go on her 18th birthday. I had to wait until I was 42, but just because I fucked up my life, doesn't mean I will fuck up hers. She is going to have everything I never did even if it kills me.
But that was only good news number one -- E2, a friend of my director's whom I have had the chance to spend time with now a couple of times, lives down there. She has flown in for a couple of recent events which is how we met. I decided to be bold and see if she wanted to join us Thursday for the kid's actual birthday dinner and she said yes. Nice! So on Thursday we are going to bum around, do some shopping at the mall, hit the old town, and then have dinner at my friend's restaurant where I am hoping he goes gentle on me, hookup with some other old friends, and enjoy the day. Bonus points for E2.
The play by the way was incredible. I felt so urban watching small live theater on a Thursday night. Something I have never done before like that. The last time I saw any live theater was with X2 and it was during the day, proper setting, blah blah blah. This was gritty, small, and real. Seriously I felt so alive doing it. Granted I didn't get home until 11:30 because of it, but it was totally worth it.
Today I am back at my local client, then a 4 course suckling pig dinner event where I am meeting up with a friend I haven't seen in five years. This should be interesting...
The night however in a fraction of the time, made up for any issues I had during the day.
While I was waiting for my friends, I got some AWESOME news. For the kid's birthday next week I am taking her to Disneyland. Stressing a little on how I am going to pay for everything, but I think I have it budgeted well. It's budgeted VERY tight, but I think we can do it. Someone might get paid a couple days late, but it will be worth it, especially with the news I got last night. For those who don't know, inside Disneyland is a restaurant not open to the general public called Club 33. It is the only place in the park where you can order a drink. I got us a reservation for dinner. Thanks to a friend who has a client with a membership, we are having dinner at 8:45 next Friday at Club 33. I have waited my entire life to get into this place. Membership for an individual is $7500 a year and the last time I tried to become a member, it was a four year waiting list. The kid gets to go on her 18th birthday. I had to wait until I was 42, but just because I fucked up my life, doesn't mean I will fuck up hers. She is going to have everything I never did even if it kills me.
But that was only good news number one -- E2, a friend of my director's whom I have had the chance to spend time with now a couple of times, lives down there. She has flown in for a couple of recent events which is how we met. I decided to be bold and see if she wanted to join us Thursday for the kid's actual birthday dinner and she said yes. Nice! So on Thursday we are going to bum around, do some shopping at the mall, hit the old town, and then have dinner at my friend's restaurant where I am hoping he goes gentle on me, hookup with some other old friends, and enjoy the day. Bonus points for E2.
The play by the way was incredible. I felt so urban watching small live theater on a Thursday night. Something I have never done before like that. The last time I saw any live theater was with X2 and it was during the day, proper setting, blah blah blah. This was gritty, small, and real. Seriously I felt so alive doing it. Granted I didn't get home until 11:30 because of it, but it was totally worth it.
Today I am back at my local client, then a 4 course suckling pig dinner event where I am meeting up with a friend I haven't seen in five years. This should be interesting...
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Y2 D246
Blah blah blah work blah blah same shit blah blah boring blah blah blah...
You know when I lived in my old place I may have woken up one too many times without pants or needing ibuprofen, but at least my life wasn't this FUCKING BORING. Seriously. There was always someone around or some place I could go to get a drink or six in me without breaking the bank. There was always something I could do to amuse myself. Lately I have been so goddamn bored during the week it's driving me nuts.
I hate my fucking boss too for the record. He has no concept of personal space or limitations. He calls me yesterday to see if I can attend a meeting at 1pm 53 miles from my house. I say sure, but I am going to a play tonight and need to be in another city by 6:30. His response? Oh then you're fine until 6. Um, bullshit? I need to fucking change and it's 50 miles from my house the OPPOSITE FUCKING DIRECTION. I am not late to things like you are buddy boy. I like to get to places on time. Douchebag. The final time agreed on by the client for the meeting? 2-4. Fuck me. I have to leave here around noon, go to the meeting which won't get out until 4:30 at the earliest, drive 90 miles to the play to get there by 6:30 which means I won't have time to go home and change or eat or do anything else. I will spend most of my day in a bullshit meeting and driving. Fuck this. I like the WORK that I do, but man do I hate this kind of shit about my job. We have other people who live much closer to this client who could do the work as well as I could, but no - I get the fun of driving all over today. There goes my fucking gas.
Today is LO's birthday; she is 24. Heh, I banged it when it was still 23. Oh yeah. Dirty old man. I set an alarm so I could be the first to wish her a happy birthday and I was. We ended up having a little text session. She landed her first anchor position in South Bend Indiana. She is about to learn what it means to be in the news business. That new relationship you just started? Yeah, kiss that goodbye. I will be here waiting for you to have your first marriage, your first divorce, and then when you are roughly my age, I won't look so old and we can revisit what we had. Don't worry, given my recent track record, I will be here and still be single apparently.
You know I haven't been laid since psycho bitch? That was fucking september. I need sex. I need something. I need some human physical contact again. I am hitting that feeling once again. Fuck me. Figuratively and literally please...
You know when I lived in my old place I may have woken up one too many times without pants or needing ibuprofen, but at least my life wasn't this FUCKING BORING. Seriously. There was always someone around or some place I could go to get a drink or six in me without breaking the bank. There was always something I could do to amuse myself. Lately I have been so goddamn bored during the week it's driving me nuts.
I hate my fucking boss too for the record. He has no concept of personal space or limitations. He calls me yesterday to see if I can attend a meeting at 1pm 53 miles from my house. I say sure, but I am going to a play tonight and need to be in another city by 6:30. His response? Oh then you're fine until 6. Um, bullshit? I need to fucking change and it's 50 miles from my house the OPPOSITE FUCKING DIRECTION. I am not late to things like you are buddy boy. I like to get to places on time. Douchebag. The final time agreed on by the client for the meeting? 2-4. Fuck me. I have to leave here around noon, go to the meeting which won't get out until 4:30 at the earliest, drive 90 miles to the play to get there by 6:30 which means I won't have time to go home and change or eat or do anything else. I will spend most of my day in a bullshit meeting and driving. Fuck this. I like the WORK that I do, but man do I hate this kind of shit about my job. We have other people who live much closer to this client who could do the work as well as I could, but no - I get the fun of driving all over today. There goes my fucking gas.
Today is LO's birthday; she is 24. Heh, I banged it when it was still 23. Oh yeah. Dirty old man. I set an alarm so I could be the first to wish her a happy birthday and I was. We ended up having a little text session. She landed her first anchor position in South Bend Indiana. She is about to learn what it means to be in the news business. That new relationship you just started? Yeah, kiss that goodbye. I will be here waiting for you to have your first marriage, your first divorce, and then when you are roughly my age, I won't look so old and we can revisit what we had. Don't worry, given my recent track record, I will be here and still be single apparently.
You know I haven't been laid since psycho bitch? That was fucking september. I need sex. I need something. I need some human physical contact again. I am hitting that feeling once again. Fuck me. Figuratively and literally please...
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Y2 D245
120 days and this second year will be over. Wow. That's only four more months. But we all know a lot can happen in four months, right? Hell a lot can happen in 24 hours. If there's anything I have learned in the last two years it's that.
Long day yesterday. The stuff I am working on for this new client is a bit frustrating. It's not over complex, it's just time consuming. You make one change and then wait while the data is regenerated. And I don't mean wait for 2 minutes, more like 30 - 45 minutes. So you have to be judicious with your changes. I only have a certain number of hours I can keep re-running these things to see results. I ended up working from 7 until 5:30 yesterday. Given that it's roughly 40 minutes to the client and 90 minutes home thanks to traffic, it was a long day. I also needed to hit Target and pick up my new insurance papers. All in all, I left the house around 6:30 and didn't get home until almost 8. I did however get myself a little treat.
I picked up a new game yesterday - Little Big Planet 2. So far I am enjoying it. It's a puzzle style game with open ended game play. The kind of thing you can never 'finish' because there is always new content being created. One game to last me all year is how I see it. I played for about an hour last night before hitting bed.
Today is basically a repeat of yesterday. Hopefully though I will get out a little earlier.
Long day yesterday. The stuff I am working on for this new client is a bit frustrating. It's not over complex, it's just time consuming. You make one change and then wait while the data is regenerated. And I don't mean wait for 2 minutes, more like 30 - 45 minutes. So you have to be judicious with your changes. I only have a certain number of hours I can keep re-running these things to see results. I ended up working from 7 until 5:30 yesterday. Given that it's roughly 40 minutes to the client and 90 minutes home thanks to traffic, it was a long day. I also needed to hit Target and pick up my new insurance papers. All in all, I left the house around 6:30 and didn't get home until almost 8. I did however get myself a little treat.
I picked up a new game yesterday - Little Big Planet 2. So far I am enjoying it. It's a puzzle style game with open ended game play. The kind of thing you can never 'finish' because there is always new content being created. One game to last me all year is how I see it. I played for about an hour last night before hitting bed.
Today is basically a repeat of yesterday. Hopefully though I will get out a little earlier.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Y2 D244
Somewhere out there is the perfect girl for me who will know exactly the right thing to say after sex...
"I haven't been fucked like that since grade school..."
Also acceptable is "I want to have your abortion.". Speaking of abortions...
Got some oh so wonderful news yesterday. My 18 year old niece got herself knocked up. Oh yeah, fun shit going down. Her step-dad is freaking out because on top of everything else going on with my sister recently he can't handle this too and is being a douche who might walk out the door. My poor sister is trying to make the best of it, but I know she is at wits end too. Me? I want to beat the living shit out of that girl right now. Especially after the talks I had with her this summer and how she swore she didn't want to be her mother because she saw what she went through having babies way too young. Stupid fucking bitch.
For the record, I am fighting again. Not too doing too well this time unfortunately. Combination of anger and frustration mixing with too much time to think.
Started my new client. Hated the fucking drive and I have to do it again and again for at least a week and a half with *possibly* a couple of days of working from home. It all depends on how much I get done before Friday. I am supposed to go to a play on Thursday night with a friend. He already bought the tickets which means I will go, it just depends on if I go and then bail or if we meet for dinner before, etc. Right now? I just want to watch the play and go.
I just want to go...
"I haven't been fucked like that since grade school..."
Also acceptable is "I want to have your abortion.". Speaking of abortions...
Got some oh so wonderful news yesterday. My 18 year old niece got herself knocked up. Oh yeah, fun shit going down. Her step-dad is freaking out because on top of everything else going on with my sister recently he can't handle this too and is being a douche who might walk out the door. My poor sister is trying to make the best of it, but I know she is at wits end too. Me? I want to beat the living shit out of that girl right now. Especially after the talks I had with her this summer and how she swore she didn't want to be her mother because she saw what she went through having babies way too young. Stupid fucking bitch.
For the record, I am fighting again. Not too doing too well this time unfortunately. Combination of anger and frustration mixing with too much time to think.
Started my new client. Hated the fucking drive and I have to do it again and again for at least a week and a half with *possibly* a couple of days of working from home. It all depends on how much I get done before Friday. I am supposed to go to a play on Thursday night with a friend. He already bought the tickets which means I will go, it just depends on if I go and then bail or if we meet for dinner before, etc. Right now? I just want to watch the play and go.
I just want to go...
Monday, January 24, 2011
Y2 D243
Days just start to blend together after a while. Time moves forward and we just go about our days. No, not being depressed, just observing that here it is another Monday and I am off to another client. Same shit, different week.
What was supposed to only be a couple hours of my day turned into first a rehearsal, then cleanup, then a walk to the beach, then pizza, then poker. I left here around 1 and didn't get home until almost 8. But it's all good because it saved me from sitting around the house being bored yesterday. I did have fun. It was just a nice way to spend a Sunday. Hanging out with friends, talking and socializing. I guess this is what normal people do, right?
Nothing very exciting happened which in itself is a good thing. That would be a nice theme for the year 'Nothing really exciting happened'.
Got home, fed the cat, watched some Sunday night TV and went to bed.
Oh, I did learn that supposedly there was almost a bar fight Saturday. I don't even remember anything going down, but it was getting pretty intense from what I heard. Am glad it didn't turn into a full blown fight, but man that would have been some excitement.
What was supposed to only be a couple hours of my day turned into first a rehearsal, then cleanup, then a walk to the beach, then pizza, then poker. I left here around 1 and didn't get home until almost 8. But it's all good because it saved me from sitting around the house being bored yesterday. I did have fun. It was just a nice way to spend a Sunday. Hanging out with friends, talking and socializing. I guess this is what normal people do, right?
Nothing very exciting happened which in itself is a good thing. That would be a nice theme for the year 'Nothing really exciting happened'.
Got home, fed the cat, watched some Sunday night TV and went to bed.
Oh, I did learn that supposedly there was almost a bar fight Saturday. I don't even remember anything going down, but it was getting pretty intense from what I heard. Am glad it didn't turn into a full blown fight, but man that would have been some excitement.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Y2 D242
Nothing like waking up in pain from sleeping on a piercing, wondering why you slept on said piercing since you know better, and then realizing it's because you're on a couch in a strange house and not in your own bed...
Yeah, one of those nights/mornings...
I do remember starting to walk down to the beach at one point and telling everyone fuck this, I am cold and I am going back...
All in all I am feeling pretty good this morning, I mean minus the hangover and the need to puke...
Mentally, I feel good, and that's all that counts. I have no regrets or complaints about last night...
So...
During the day I hung around the house and did errands - took care of the cat, gave her a bath (waterless shampoo), sprayed the house for fleas (7 month protection), cleaned the kitchen, etc. Pretty boring stuff. The sun peeked out at one point so I kicked it on the patio in a chair and soaked it up. Small little nap.
I headed over to the pub where the party was happening around 6:20. When I got there, my directors and their incredibly hot friend were already there. I started double fisting gin and tonics ordering them two at a time because it was crowded and I knew I wouldn't handle waiting. Karaoke started around 9. We went at it at least until midnight. I remember getting into this discussion with a young girl and I think I asked her out. I honestly don't remember if we set a date or not. She's on cast with me and I have been shamelessly flirting with her so we shall see what happens. I didn't sing on stage, but I sure sang loud and took a lot of pictures.
We ended up back at my directors' house and for once I wasn't the one puking or falling down. Oh wait, I did fall down once. I just remembered that. Don't remember the context, but I definitely fell down at some point. Huh. Go figure. I told them that I wasn't driving home and would be happy to sleep in the driveway. I ended up on their couch and here we are. I have to go back in a little while for a rehearsal. I believe the incredibly hot friend will still be there. At least I hope she is. Ironically she lives near the OLD place I used to live. Why the hell didn't I meet her then??? Cest la vie.
Ok, I need a fucking shower...
Yeah, one of those nights/mornings...
I do remember starting to walk down to the beach at one point and telling everyone fuck this, I am cold and I am going back...
All in all I am feeling pretty good this morning, I mean minus the hangover and the need to puke...
Mentally, I feel good, and that's all that counts. I have no regrets or complaints about last night...
So...
During the day I hung around the house and did errands - took care of the cat, gave her a bath (waterless shampoo), sprayed the house for fleas (7 month protection), cleaned the kitchen, etc. Pretty boring stuff. The sun peeked out at one point so I kicked it on the patio in a chair and soaked it up. Small little nap.
I headed over to the pub where the party was happening around 6:20. When I got there, my directors and their incredibly hot friend were already there. I started double fisting gin and tonics ordering them two at a time because it was crowded and I knew I wouldn't handle waiting. Karaoke started around 9. We went at it at least until midnight. I remember getting into this discussion with a young girl and I think I asked her out. I honestly don't remember if we set a date or not. She's on cast with me and I have been shamelessly flirting with her so we shall see what happens. I didn't sing on stage, but I sure sang loud and took a lot of pictures.
We ended up back at my directors' house and for once I wasn't the one puking or falling down. Oh wait, I did fall down once. I just remembered that. Don't remember the context, but I definitely fell down at some point. Huh. Go figure. I told them that I wasn't driving home and would be happy to sleep in the driveway. I ended up on their couch and here we are. I have to go back in a little while for a rehearsal. I believe the incredibly hot friend will still be there. At least I hope she is. Ironically she lives near the OLD place I used to live. Why the hell didn't I meet her then??? Cest la vie.
Ok, I need a fucking shower...
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Y2 D241
I had a moment yesterday morning where I thought I seriously fucked up with the client. Of course it would be my last day on the project, right? I got in and there was an email saying see me when you get in. I went over to his desk and he pulled out one of the reports and started chewing my ass out - "These reports are still fucked up. I sent this to a fucking VP last night and got my ass chewed and it makes me look bad. I am extremely frustrated given the back and forth on these. I am tired of the inconsistencies." Oh man. One report out of six, eight fields out of 1500. Fuck. I didn't argue or say anything back. I just said I will verify the formula is the same. I went back to my desk and looked at the report. It was using the same formula as the other five for the same field. I calmly showed him where I was getting the number from and asked for his assistance as to why it would not be correct for this report. Turns out this report uses slightly different business logic than the other five. Now, he knew this because it's his business. I have only been there three months and don't have the luxury of that knowledge. He explained to me why it would be different and I said I would go fix it. About three hours later, I had it all fixed and ready to go. I worked on some other stuff before I left. I sent him a summary email of anything that was still in progress and apologized for any frustration I may have caused him. I went over to him as I was leaving and these were his words:
"It has been a pleasure having you here. I hope you are available when we start the next project. I am sorry about this morning, these reports have been challenging for both of us. I was out of line for snapping like I did. I wish I had more people with your skills on the team fulltime."
Nice. He even hinted they might have FTE positions open later in the year if I was interested. We'll see if anything comes of it. I think in this case, he needed to blow off steam, and I handled it like a pro. It worked for both of us.
After work I decided to have a little me time. Went and had a manicure and had my eyelashes tinted. People don't get that last one, but I have white eyelashes. A quick $20, 15 minute tint session makes all the difference in the world. I look more awake, alive, etc. It's a cheap quick way to treat myself that makes me feel better about myself. Came home around 7 and called X1. Yesterday I was to transfer money into her account for Child Support. Took us about 15 minutes. She was like "now why didn't we do it this way before?". I didn't answer her question directly, instead I deflected it by saying "well you know the next four will go straight into the kid's account". She then started rambling about something or other. I honestly these days feel sad for her more than anger. Maybe it's just my mind shift, but I know that after June when the kid moves out, she is going to be lonely and I feel for her. Or maybe it's because after seventeen fucking years I only have FOUR child support payments left and I have a higher tolerance for things.
Speaking of women, I got a call from A2 yesterday. We went out back in May. She was the one who stopped seeing me because she didn't feel butterflies. She left a voicemail. I might call her back today to see what she wants. I am also next week writing J an email. I haven't heard from her in a month and she still owes me $2400. I want my money.
That's about it. Watched a little TV and went to bed. Tonight I am going to a karaoke party with the cast. This should be interesting. During the day I am going to clean the kitchen, the cat litter box, and pay bills. Oh and before I forget -- one of my readers and friend had their kid go to emergency yesterday. I don't know all the details as of right now, hopefully he is okay, but do me a favor? Send positive thoughts their way. No parent should have to deal with a kid in the hospital. I am thinking of you all and hope all works out well.
"It has been a pleasure having you here. I hope you are available when we start the next project. I am sorry about this morning, these reports have been challenging for both of us. I was out of line for snapping like I did. I wish I had more people with your skills on the team fulltime."
Nice. He even hinted they might have FTE positions open later in the year if I was interested. We'll see if anything comes of it. I think in this case, he needed to blow off steam, and I handled it like a pro. It worked for both of us.
After work I decided to have a little me time. Went and had a manicure and had my eyelashes tinted. People don't get that last one, but I have white eyelashes. A quick $20, 15 minute tint session makes all the difference in the world. I look more awake, alive, etc. It's a cheap quick way to treat myself that makes me feel better about myself. Came home around 7 and called X1. Yesterday I was to transfer money into her account for Child Support. Took us about 15 minutes. She was like "now why didn't we do it this way before?". I didn't answer her question directly, instead I deflected it by saying "well you know the next four will go straight into the kid's account". She then started rambling about something or other. I honestly these days feel sad for her more than anger. Maybe it's just my mind shift, but I know that after June when the kid moves out, she is going to be lonely and I feel for her. Or maybe it's because after seventeen fucking years I only have FOUR child support payments left and I have a higher tolerance for things.
Speaking of women, I got a call from A2 yesterday. We went out back in May. She was the one who stopped seeing me because she didn't feel butterflies. She left a voicemail. I might call her back today to see what she wants. I am also next week writing J an email. I haven't heard from her in a month and she still owes me $2400. I want my money.
That's about it. Watched a little TV and went to bed. Tonight I am going to a karaoke party with the cast. This should be interesting. During the day I am going to clean the kitchen, the cat litter box, and pay bills. Oh and before I forget -- one of my readers and friend had their kid go to emergency yesterday. I don't know all the details as of right now, hopefully he is okay, but do me a favor? Send positive thoughts their way. No parent should have to deal with a kid in the hospital. I am thinking of you all and hope all works out well.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Y2 D240
I felt one of my turns coming on last night around 7pm. I fought it. I fought it HARD. I refused to let the darkness slip over me. I refused to let the sadness and the voices of doubt in my head win out. I won. I put on happy music. I danced around like no one was watching. It worked. I ate macaroni and cheese and didn't care about the carbs. I smiled instead of cried. This is a good thing. It shows I don't need drugs, legal or illegal, I don't need booze, I don't need women, I need me. I can do this. I can make myself happy and not succumb to the inner fears and doubts.
Putzed around work yesterday. Ran out of stuff to do around 2 and faked it for the remaining part of the day. Looks like my next gig has been lined up. Three of them at once to be exact. At opposite ends of driving of course. Over the next few weeks I will be driving between 75-100 miles a day. Fuck. I hate it. I need to find a local job where I can walk to work if I wanted to. But that is neither here nor there right now. I have a job, it pays me, I go where I am told. Unless that changes, I need to suck it up.
Did laundry last night so I don't have to worry about it tonight. I don't know why, it's not like I have big plans tonight or anything. I just wanted it out of the way I guess. I need to bathe the cat this weekend and attend a karaoke memorial party tomorrow. Those are my big plans. Plus I need to do some more cleaning around the house because that never seems to end. Oh and get some groceries. Man what a fun weekend I have scheduled.
Putzed around work yesterday. Ran out of stuff to do around 2 and faked it for the remaining part of the day. Looks like my next gig has been lined up. Three of them at once to be exact. At opposite ends of driving of course. Over the next few weeks I will be driving between 75-100 miles a day. Fuck. I hate it. I need to find a local job where I can walk to work if I wanted to. But that is neither here nor there right now. I have a job, it pays me, I go where I am told. Unless that changes, I need to suck it up.
Did laundry last night so I don't have to worry about it tonight. I don't know why, it's not like I have big plans tonight or anything. I just wanted it out of the way I guess. I need to bathe the cat this weekend and attend a karaoke memorial party tomorrow. Those are my big plans. Plus I need to do some more cleaning around the house because that never seems to end. Oh and get some groceries. Man what a fun weekend I have scheduled.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Y2 D239
Sometimes karma is a fickle little bitch who decides to smile upon you. Let me tell you a little story, but first I have to tell you about the weird dream I had last night. I was on the road driving somewhere in the middle of nowhere when I decided to get something to eat. I pulled into this diner and they started asking me all these questions if I was there for the race. I had no idea what they were talking about. When they realized I was just some random guy they started treating me nice but then told me I needed to get out because it was almost time for things to happen. I was freaked out, and then the ground started rumbling a car slammed into the side of the building squishing a woman against the window. The whole place goes nuts because it's the annual appearance of the ghost of a biker who was in the race they were talking about who was killed in the diner and came back every year for revenge. We all watched this unfold and everyone had a part to play. They were all amazed when he started talking to me and dragging me into the action. That's about when I woke up.
As to the fickly karma part of the day...
Worked yesterday and it turned out I had enough to keep me through yesterday. Today and tomorrow might still be a little light, but I have at least a good 3/4 of the day work to do. It's Friday I am most concerned about. After work I came home and in the mail was my rebate card from Verizon for $100. I got all excited and started thinking about how I could use the money when I stopped myself. I remembered that my DirectTV bill was roughly $92 and I should just use the money to pay for that. When I logged into DTV my bill was actually only $82.97 for some reason. NICE. Karma point number 1. That left me $17.03 on the card. I decided to treat myself to some froyo. When I got to the froyo place and went to pay, I pulled out my rewards card and found I had earned $5 off my next froyo. Total cost of froyo on counter? $5.54. I gave her a dollar and told her to put the rest in the tip jar. I still had $17.03 on my gift card and decided to hit the grocery store. I bought some milk, cheese, and a couple of other things. Total cost? $17.77. Out of pocket for groceries, froyo, and a DTV bill? $1.74. Nice.
Came back home and made a turkey burger, a nice salad, and some mac and cheese. I folded newspapers for cast prop bags, watched some Louie CK (funny show by the way. Quite enjoyable), and hit the sack around 10pm. A really good day. I have had many more of these the last 19 days. So far 2011 is doing much better than 2010. So far. I am trying to stay positive about things and smile.
As to the fickly karma part of the day...
Worked yesterday and it turned out I had enough to keep me through yesterday. Today and tomorrow might still be a little light, but I have at least a good 3/4 of the day work to do. It's Friday I am most concerned about. After work I came home and in the mail was my rebate card from Verizon for $100. I got all excited and started thinking about how I could use the money when I stopped myself. I remembered that my DirectTV bill was roughly $92 and I should just use the money to pay for that. When I logged into DTV my bill was actually only $82.97 for some reason. NICE. Karma point number 1. That left me $17.03 on the card. I decided to treat myself to some froyo. When I got to the froyo place and went to pay, I pulled out my rewards card and found I had earned $5 off my next froyo. Total cost of froyo on counter? $5.54. I gave her a dollar and told her to put the rest in the tip jar. I still had $17.03 on my gift card and decided to hit the grocery store. I bought some milk, cheese, and a couple of other things. Total cost? $17.77. Out of pocket for groceries, froyo, and a DTV bill? $1.74. Nice.
Came back home and made a turkey burger, a nice salad, and some mac and cheese. I folded newspapers for cast prop bags, watched some Louie CK (funny show by the way. Quite enjoyable), and hit the sack around 10pm. A really good day. I have had many more of these the last 19 days. So far 2011 is doing much better than 2010. So far. I am trying to stay positive about things and smile.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Y2 D238
Things feel like they are moving in slow motion so far this year. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet. I am not really complaining, just observing.
Worked yesterday. Nothing exciting there. I am hoping I have enough work to fill the rest of the week. Since this is my last week at the client he isn't dumping too much on me, but at the same time I need to have enough to get through the week. I may finish up the last of the reports today. Worst case I end up with Friday 'off' which wouldn't be so horrible. My next project is starting to form and it looks like it will be in the middle of frickin' nowhere. Not far enough to fly or stay over, but far enough that I will spend 2+ hours a day on the road thanks to traffic. What fun. Three plus months of bridges, tolls, traffic, and annoyance. Gee, I love my job.
After work, came home and didn't do much of anything. Talked to my sister for a while. She is doing better after her surgery but still not 100%. She is having trouble moving around and still taking percoset. I need to go visit her and my dad. Maybe over spring break. If I plan now, I can take a trip in April. I really only have to figure out how to get up there. I know I would be good on food and stuff once I got there. Something to think about.
Took a nice long bath, caught up on the DVR, watched a couple of episodes of Louis CK on Netflix and went to bed. Tonight I am going to a game night with some friends from my meetup group. This will be the first time in months I have hung out with that group. Let's see how that goes.
Worked yesterday. Nothing exciting there. I am hoping I have enough work to fill the rest of the week. Since this is my last week at the client he isn't dumping too much on me, but at the same time I need to have enough to get through the week. I may finish up the last of the reports today. Worst case I end up with Friday 'off' which wouldn't be so horrible. My next project is starting to form and it looks like it will be in the middle of frickin' nowhere. Not far enough to fly or stay over, but far enough that I will spend 2+ hours a day on the road thanks to traffic. What fun. Three plus months of bridges, tolls, traffic, and annoyance. Gee, I love my job.
After work, came home and didn't do much of anything. Talked to my sister for a while. She is doing better after her surgery but still not 100%. She is having trouble moving around and still taking percoset. I need to go visit her and my dad. Maybe over spring break. If I plan now, I can take a trip in April. I really only have to figure out how to get up there. I know I would be good on food and stuff once I got there. Something to think about.
Took a nice long bath, caught up on the DVR, watched a couple of episodes of Louis CK on Netflix and went to bed. Tonight I am going to a game night with some friends from my meetup group. This will be the first time in months I have hung out with that group. Let's see how that goes.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Y2 D237
Plans change sometimes way too quick. I didn't get to go to the food show yesterday. I thought my friend had a booth, but it turns out she was just there to meet with vendors. She ended up doing the show on Sunday and was planning a day of shopping yesterday. She left a badge for me at her hotel, but honestly it's not the kind of thing I wanted to do by myself. On top of it, I was planning to take the train but there was a pedestrian on the tracks which shut down northbound service for hours. Add to that southbound service was being disrupted by the MLK freedom train, and it was going to make for a screwed public transportation day. My only other option was driving and parking which I didn't feel like doing or paying especially if I was going by myself. Hence, I didn't do the food show.
Instead I finished the kids room first. I sent her pictures when it was done and she was very happy. That made it all worthwhile. I am happy because her room is clean and now should be easier for her to KEEP clean.
After that I worked on the rest of my stuff. I cleaned the kitchen and the front room. I need to get some flowers today. Nothing fancy, just that I emptied out a vase and it looks weird having an empty vase sitting on the end table. I like the smell of flowers when I come in versus the smell of cat and me.
I met a friend for lunch who also had the day off. We are on cast together and it turned in part into a little bit of a bitch session, but it was still fun to hang out with her and wander around. Her husband does work internationally for the University and he is currently in Columbia until February. It's nice having friends I can get together with last minute like that for a quick lunch. I know she has been missing him which gave her a chance to unload a little bit too.
Came home, watched some TV, ironed, went to bed. Another quiet day. Back to work though this morning. My last four days at this client.
Instead I finished the kids room first. I sent her pictures when it was done and she was very happy. That made it all worthwhile. I am happy because her room is clean and now should be easier for her to KEEP clean.
After that I worked on the rest of my stuff. I cleaned the kitchen and the front room. I need to get some flowers today. Nothing fancy, just that I emptied out a vase and it looks weird having an empty vase sitting on the end table. I like the smell of flowers when I come in versus the smell of cat and me.
I met a friend for lunch who also had the day off. We are on cast together and it turned in part into a little bit of a bitch session, but it was still fun to hang out with her and wander around. Her husband does work internationally for the University and he is currently in Columbia until February. It's nice having friends I can get together with last minute like that for a quick lunch. I know she has been missing him which gave her a chance to unload a little bit too.
Came home, watched some TV, ironed, went to bed. Another quiet day. Back to work though this morning. My last four days at this client.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Y2 D236
YAY! I slept in this morning. After everything I did yesterday I needed it. Today is a client holiday and I am taking the time for myself. My bosses can kiss my ass. I am going to the food show today. One of my friends from the old area got me a pass and I am taking the train into the city in a few hours, wandering the food show (industry only!) and relaxing today. Fun!
Yesterday I worked non-stop until almost 11pm. I got up, started finishing up my room by putting contact paper in the nightstand I refinished, then went through all the junk that was in the nightstand and cleaned out the garbage. Around noon, my friend came over to take me to IKEA with his truck. I can't remember if I mentioned this, but I sold him the desk in the kids room. He wanted to know how much and I told him I wasn't being greedy - I wanted enough to get my new bed frame and a new desk for the kid. What I was looking at was $150 plus tax. Whatever the total came to was what he owed me. He agreed. We headed off to IKEA and while we were looking at the desks for the kid, he asked if a different one would be better for her. I said yes, but it's $30 more. He said he would pay the difference because it was a better desk for the kid. Nice. The total came to $195 with tax for the new frame and the desk. I bought him lunch at Taco Bell so in the end, I got $190 for the desk, the kid got a new one, and I got a new bed. By the time we got back home and had the desk unloaded at his place and the new stuff at mine, it was 3:30. I then spent the next six hours assembling stuff, cleaning, moving, etc. My room is 100% complete and I LOVE IT. I am so happy!! I got new sheets and comforter at target the other day and my room is bright, cheery, and clean. I am so happy!! It's probably why I slept so well last night. The kids room still needs a little work, but it is functional for right now. Depending on how I feel, I will do some more in there tonight. But it was a long day. On top of it, I had my requisite emails from our directors on how shitty everything was Saturday. I tuned all of those out by midday. Late last night they sent out an email talking about how stressed everyone is and how we could all use a break so 'let's get together next saturday to drink!'. No. I want a weekend AWAY from you guys. I already have a rehearsal next Sunday, I would like to not see you Saturday too. Sorry, but this guy wants some alone time. Weird huh?
Anyway, off to look at food!
Yesterday I worked non-stop until almost 11pm. I got up, started finishing up my room by putting contact paper in the nightstand I refinished, then went through all the junk that was in the nightstand and cleaned out the garbage. Around noon, my friend came over to take me to IKEA with his truck. I can't remember if I mentioned this, but I sold him the desk in the kids room. He wanted to know how much and I told him I wasn't being greedy - I wanted enough to get my new bed frame and a new desk for the kid. What I was looking at was $150 plus tax. Whatever the total came to was what he owed me. He agreed. We headed off to IKEA and while we were looking at the desks for the kid, he asked if a different one would be better for her. I said yes, but it's $30 more. He said he would pay the difference because it was a better desk for the kid. Nice. The total came to $195 with tax for the new frame and the desk. I bought him lunch at Taco Bell so in the end, I got $190 for the desk, the kid got a new one, and I got a new bed. By the time we got back home and had the desk unloaded at his place and the new stuff at mine, it was 3:30. I then spent the next six hours assembling stuff, cleaning, moving, etc. My room is 100% complete and I LOVE IT. I am so happy!! I got new sheets and comforter at target the other day and my room is bright, cheery, and clean. I am so happy!! It's probably why I slept so well last night. The kids room still needs a little work, but it is functional for right now. Depending on how I feel, I will do some more in there tonight. But it was a long day. On top of it, I had my requisite emails from our directors on how shitty everything was Saturday. I tuned all of those out by midday. Late last night they sent out an email talking about how stressed everyone is and how we could all use a break so 'let's get together next saturday to drink!'. No. I want a weekend AWAY from you guys. I already have a rehearsal next Sunday, I would like to not see you Saturday too. Sorry, but this guy wants some alone time. Weird huh?
Anyway, off to look at food!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Y2 D235
I am about two steps away from quitting cast. Not because of anything I did, but because I am tired of being yelled at every time after the show. It's not at me directly or personally, but just the entire cast. I think we are all tired. Thank goodness we don't have a show next weekend. I know I for one need a Saturday night off. There are some of us who have worked every show for months. We have done 5 or 6 shows in a rows since New Years and it's starting to show. We are missing cues, too many new people, not enough butts in the seats, etc. And our directors take all of it out on us as they should. As you can tell, it wasn't a stellar show last night. We were way off and there were less than 125 people in the audience. It was not emotionally satisfying as it should have been.
During the day I kept working on the house. Looks like I am selling the desk today. I asked for just enough to replace it with a new one and to get my new bed frame. Not being greedy. I am hoping to take care of that today weather and time permitting. That will be the final piece for my room and it will let me rearrange the kids room in a way that gives her a ton more space. I told her about it on the phone last night and she is happy too.
That's pretty much all I did yesterday - paint, organize, clean. I took a break to hit the mall, but really didn't find anything. I was looking for new black pants for work as 1. none of mine fit well anymore and 2. the one pair I do have has a small white paint splotch on them now. Go figure? But I just didn't find anything I wanted. It did get me out of the house for a little while which was good.
That's about it. Tomorrow is the food show which I am really looking forward to as I get to see friends from the old area. Today I think will be more cleaning and organizing, but NO painting.
During the day I kept working on the house. Looks like I am selling the desk today. I asked for just enough to replace it with a new one and to get my new bed frame. Not being greedy. I am hoping to take care of that today weather and time permitting. That will be the final piece for my room and it will let me rearrange the kids room in a way that gives her a ton more space. I told her about it on the phone last night and she is happy too.
That's pretty much all I did yesterday - paint, organize, clean. I took a break to hit the mall, but really didn't find anything. I was looking for new black pants for work as 1. none of mine fit well anymore and 2. the one pair I do have has a small white paint splotch on them now. Go figure? But I just didn't find anything I wanted. It did get me out of the house for a little while which was good.
That's about it. Tomorrow is the food show which I am really looking forward to as I get to see friends from the old area. Today I think will be more cleaning and organizing, but NO painting.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Y2 D234
I woke up this morning and there was a slight glow in my room. My first thought was that I left some electronic device on when I realized it was sunshine from outside. Not only is there a little bit of sunshine going on today, but I slept in past the pitch black time of day. Neat.
I had a SUPER productive day yesterday. First at work I finally received the final sign off on all these reports that have been causing me so much stress. They are rolling to production on Tuesday, yay! But then I managed to get one and a half reports completed in a NEW package the client wants me to work on next week. Nice.
When I came home, I dove into my projects; I stripped, sanded, and painted (first coat) my nightstand, did a load of towels and sheets, changed my sheets, top to bottom bleached the bathroom, cleaned the kitty litter, ate, and managed to start in on the front room. Today I have to finish paining (already did one coat before writing this), clean the kitchen, clean the bunnies and I have a show tonight.
You notice I am not drinking or being stupid? So far this year is not bad (knocks on wood) but I think it has to do with the choices I am making. Tomorrow we will recap the first two weeks of this year against my goal list and see how I am progressing. Right now? More painting....
I had a SUPER productive day yesterday. First at work I finally received the final sign off on all these reports that have been causing me so much stress. They are rolling to production on Tuesday, yay! But then I managed to get one and a half reports completed in a NEW package the client wants me to work on next week. Nice.
When I came home, I dove into my projects; I stripped, sanded, and painted (first coat) my nightstand, did a load of towels and sheets, changed my sheets, top to bottom bleached the bathroom, cleaned the kitty litter, ate, and managed to start in on the front room. Today I have to finish paining (already did one coat before writing this), clean the kitchen, clean the bunnies and I have a show tonight.
You notice I am not drinking or being stupid? So far this year is not bad (knocks on wood) but I think it has to do with the choices I am making. Tomorrow we will recap the first two weeks of this year against my goal list and see how I am progressing. Right now? More painting....
Friday, January 14, 2011
Y2 D233
Ok, first things first -- no blood this morning thank goodness. Yes, I was freaking out yesterday, but wouldn't you? It's one thing to have blood come out when you have been drinking and partying to excess. It's another when you get something like that and you have been being good. It worried me I spent most of yesterday morning going over everything in my head. I would like to thank all of you who gave me advice and comments yesterday. Turns out there are more than four of you reading this. Go figure. After calming down and thinking it through and taking all of your comments into consideration, I think I know what's going on more than I did yesterday. You all said the same things -- I don't eat enough; I probably have a bleeding ulcer; It could be my throat or mouth bleeding. When I looked at the situation -- one strand, bright red, no phlegm -- I tend to agree. Since the kid left, I have gone back to my one meal a day habit and it could simply be my body eating itself. This makes much more sense. Just for the record, I do eat. I just don't eat like normal people. I have been doing it for so long that I am just not hungry during the day. I am hungry at night for one meal. Last night for example I made a fruit frittata with peaches and cherries. I had about 1/2 of that with some sliced tomatoes. I do eat. Granted I am probably living on between 500 and 800 calories a day when I do eat, but I eat. The rest of the time I am drinking rockstar which is eating my stomach lining. If anything, THAT caused the blood. What yesterday DID do was force me to pick a primary care doctor finally. I will be calling today to make an appointment for a general checkup. I waited until today because I wanted to know if I was calling and saying 'see me now' or 'I want to get in soon'. Since I have to pay for a doctor visit out of pocket, this makes a difference to me. Also, I have been painting and sanding a lot lately indoors, without protective covering. Who knows what kind of crap I have been breathing in and now spitting back out.
In the rest of the universe, not much else. I got out of work early yesterday because I was done with my stuff and the client wasn't ready for me to start the next set of reports. I ended up going to IKEA and getting a couple of lights for the bedroom. My bedroom is finally done. Mostly. I want to paint two more things, but that is more want than need. Otherwise, I have the new little desk all done and set up, the trunk is restored, and things are organized. I have my shoes on racks, my closet is clean, and the walls are the way I want. I also have light in there finally. Now, this weekend I am tackling the bathroom, the kitchen, and the kid's room. This is more cleaning and organizing than anything else. If I get all that done, I will go back and do the things in my room that need finishing. Two more weeks until the kid turns 18. Holy crap. At least I will be getting out of town for a couple of days for that. I need it.
In the rest of the universe, not much else. I got out of work early yesterday because I was done with my stuff and the client wasn't ready for me to start the next set of reports. I ended up going to IKEA and getting a couple of lights for the bedroom. My bedroom is finally done. Mostly. I want to paint two more things, but that is more want than need. Otherwise, I have the new little desk all done and set up, the trunk is restored, and things are organized. I have my shoes on racks, my closet is clean, and the walls are the way I want. I also have light in there finally. Now, this weekend I am tackling the bathroom, the kitchen, and the kid's room. This is more cleaning and organizing than anything else. If I get all that done, I will go back and do the things in my room that need finishing. Two more weeks until the kid turns 18. Holy crap. At least I will be getting out of town for a couple of days for that. I need it.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Y2 D232
Ok, I am a little freaked out right now. I woke up this morning and coughed up blood. Bright red strings. You're thinking what's the big deal, you've coughed up blood before - yeah, but that's when I have been out drinking and punishing myself. I haven't done anything lately. I have been trying to be healthy and good and not destroy things and now, now... Has it finally happened? Did all the years of abuse finally catch up to me? I am a little scared. I am now worried. Weird huh? All those times before it never bothered me because I thought I was indestructible. But right now reality has just hit me like a cold rag. What if it is something like cancer? What if this is it? The worst part is I have no one to share this with except you the faceless anonymous readers. Which is really like what, four of you? This is not good. I am alone, coughing blood, and scared that I finally have broken the body beyond repair for real. Maybe that's why I have been losing so much weight? I am down to 145 right now. Will I need chemo? Will it go into remission? All these questions. Of course I am afraid to go to a doctor because I don't want to hear it from a doctor that in fact there is something wrong. I am too young to die. Wow. Amazing how quickly the mind changes when there's a possibility on the table that it could be for real. I am freaking out...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Y2 D231
Still way too tired but I think I am slowly catching up on sleep. I enjoy having these little projects around the house right now there's no doubt. I had three hours fly by me last night without being bored or upset or worried or whatever because I was too busy scraping paint off the top of that new desk I found. I ate, watched a little TV, scraped the desk and realized it was already 10:30. Nice. Distractions are good. Work was pretty uneventful yesterday which is also a good thing. I am doing a training class today which I always enjoy. Especially when it's a crowd I already know and they know me. No surprises like in AZ back in June. Never will I have that kind of situation again.
Other things on my mind? I am trying to get my insurance policies changed. I am meeting with my agent tonight to see about new policies. If I do this right, I can save myself about $450 a year on both the car and bike. That will be awesome. It's a good $50 a month that goes toward my increased rent. I signed all the papers last night. I am now in my new place until July of 2012. That makes things very easy from one perspective. I know I have a good 17 or so months where I don't have to worry about moving. I can start changing things up a little in here without worrying they have to go back down. I may do some painting of the walls. We shall see.
Different topic - It's one thing to tell someone if you're not interested in seeing them again, it's another to go radio silent. I thought G and I had a good date, but I haven't heard back from her in over a week. I mean seriously, how long does it take to type up an email that says 'I don't think we're a good fit, but thanks for dinner'. A little communication wouldn't kill now would it?
I am going to stay in this weekend I think. I really need to get the house cleaned.
Kid is recovering from her wisdom teeth surgery. She was in major pain yesterday afternoon. I don't think there's anything quite as disconcerting to a parent than watching your child in pain and not being able to do anything. Hard as hell.
Wow. That's a very uneventful posting. Good.
Other things on my mind? I am trying to get my insurance policies changed. I am meeting with my agent tonight to see about new policies. If I do this right, I can save myself about $450 a year on both the car and bike. That will be awesome. It's a good $50 a month that goes toward my increased rent. I signed all the papers last night. I am now in my new place until July of 2012. That makes things very easy from one perspective. I know I have a good 17 or so months where I don't have to worry about moving. I can start changing things up a little in here without worrying they have to go back down. I may do some painting of the walls. We shall see.
Different topic - It's one thing to tell someone if you're not interested in seeing them again, it's another to go radio silent. I thought G and I had a good date, but I haven't heard back from her in over a week. I mean seriously, how long does it take to type up an email that says 'I don't think we're a good fit, but thanks for dinner'. A little communication wouldn't kill now would it?
I am going to stay in this weekend I think. I really need to get the house cleaned.
Kid is recovering from her wisdom teeth surgery. She was in major pain yesterday afternoon. I don't think there's anything quite as disconcerting to a parent than watching your child in pain and not being able to do anything. Hard as hell.
Wow. That's a very uneventful posting. Good.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Y2 D230
Ya know, I knew I forgot to mention something yesterday that was contributing to my mood. Before I went and cooked for my boss, I went into my leasing office. My lease is almost up and of course they are raising my rent. The rental market is still strong thanks to no one being able to buy houses. To them my rent is only going up $30. To me it's $130. I had a $100 off special for 12 months which is now expired. I was expecting the $100, not $130. I know it's a bit of a quibble point, but it's $360 more a year than I was expecting. I am signing a 15 month lease though. I don't want to move for a while. I just don't want to deal with it. When I weigh out the cost of movers, deposits, etc, it's just cheaper for me to stay put.
Yesterday was rough at work. We did another round of UAT and I found a HUGE error in my reports. It was something that only was caught because we are in a new year. The reports do a year over year comparison and I was looking at the entire prior year instead of the comparable year to date for the prior year. It sounds odd, but trust me, it is a big issue. I spent all day trying to work through the problem. I finally got it figured out, but now today I have to apply it to all the reports and retest every single one of them. Pain in the ass.
After work I hit the thrift store and found a little desk/occasional table for my room. It was totally beat up, but I threw a coat of paint on it, and voila, I now have a place for my laptop and some other stuff in my room. It's small, but it's perfect and the best part is it was $25. On top of that, it gave me something to do last night. I need to get some more paint today to finish it, but these kinds of projects are good for my sanity.
Caught up on some DVR while I ate last night and then went to bed. No one called or emailed me last night. A little boring in that respect, but I survived as always.
The kid is having her wisdom teeth pulled today. She is a nervous but she will pull through. I will call her tonight just to laugh at her on drugs. I know she will be doped up for a while so this should be amusing.
Yesterday was rough at work. We did another round of UAT and I found a HUGE error in my reports. It was something that only was caught because we are in a new year. The reports do a year over year comparison and I was looking at the entire prior year instead of the comparable year to date for the prior year. It sounds odd, but trust me, it is a big issue. I spent all day trying to work through the problem. I finally got it figured out, but now today I have to apply it to all the reports and retest every single one of them. Pain in the ass.
After work I hit the thrift store and found a little desk/occasional table for my room. It was totally beat up, but I threw a coat of paint on it, and voila, I now have a place for my laptop and some other stuff in my room. It's small, but it's perfect and the best part is it was $25. On top of that, it gave me something to do last night. I need to get some more paint today to finish it, but these kinds of projects are good for my sanity.
Caught up on some DVR while I ate last night and then went to bed. No one called or emailed me last night. A little boring in that respect, but I survived as always.
The kid is having her wisdom teeth pulled today. She is a nervous but she will pull through. I will call her tonight just to laugh at her on drugs. I know she will be doped up for a while so this should be amusing.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Y2 D229
And here it is Monday. What a lost weekend and not in a good way. That was a long stressful weekend. I didn't get shit accomplished but at the same time I seem to have made everyone else happy. Good for me? Whatever. I am a bit bitchy and cranky this morning. Not depressed or sad, just tired and bitchy.
I spent the majority of yesterday doing final prep for the dinner party last night. I tried going to IKEA in the morning to look for stuff for myself but that place is so damn annoying on weekends especially when you are by yourself. It's not the kind of place to hang out at on a Sunday mid-morning. Too many damn couples and people with children running around. No, IKEA trips for me should be reserved to like Tuesday nights. I ended up just kind of leaving feeling a little blue.
Came back home and did the rest of my prep. Headed over to the party around 3:30 and for the next six hours, cooked, entertained, and stressed about everything. All the courses were a hit and everyone was happy, but man talk about stress. Someone else's kitchen, teenagers coming and going, people watching me cook; not something I want to do again soon.
And while this was all happening I was getting emails from my directors (not just me, the whole cast) on all the current issues with cast - people who don't check in, too much noise before the movie, borderline X rated comments during the movie (which apparently upset some people in the audience), people with attitudes, etc etc etc. It was one of the longest email chains I have seen from them in the last few months. I don't envy their job or stress level at all.
I heard from LO last night. Apparently she has met someone and is in LOVE. Well good for you. I don't need to hear that, but good for you. Hope you are happy together. Whatever.
On that front, I haven't heard back from G. A second, WHATEVER. I am just going to be me and happy with me and life can go fuck itself.
I spent the majority of yesterday doing final prep for the dinner party last night. I tried going to IKEA in the morning to look for stuff for myself but that place is so damn annoying on weekends especially when you are by yourself. It's not the kind of place to hang out at on a Sunday mid-morning. Too many damn couples and people with children running around. No, IKEA trips for me should be reserved to like Tuesday nights. I ended up just kind of leaving feeling a little blue.
Came back home and did the rest of my prep. Headed over to the party around 3:30 and for the next six hours, cooked, entertained, and stressed about everything. All the courses were a hit and everyone was happy, but man talk about stress. Someone else's kitchen, teenagers coming and going, people watching me cook; not something I want to do again soon.
And while this was all happening I was getting emails from my directors (not just me, the whole cast) on all the current issues with cast - people who don't check in, too much noise before the movie, borderline X rated comments during the movie (which apparently upset some people in the audience), people with attitudes, etc etc etc. It was one of the longest email chains I have seen from them in the last few months. I don't envy their job or stress level at all.
I heard from LO last night. Apparently she has met someone and is in LOVE. Well good for you. I don't need to hear that, but good for you. Hope you are happy together. Whatever.
On that front, I haven't heard back from G. A second, WHATEVER. I am just going to be me and happy with me and life can go fuck itself.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Y2 D228
This weekend is going to kill me. I wish I could take tomorrow off too. I really need one more day to get the things I want to finish complete. I feel like so far all I have done is stuff for other people. Being nice is one thing, selfless is something else, a complete patsy is the final straw.
I met my bosses wife at the grocery store a little before 8 yesterday. We did pretty good - dinner for 15 with a bottle of bourbon for $148. I even threw in a couple of small things for myself. I mean hell, I am not getting paid for this today, I might as well get a couple of Rockstars and some cheese out of it, right? Got home and started prepping. I was in the kitchen from 9 until 11:30. I then started to try and do some of my things. I went to the pet store, did a quick fake and bake because this weather has been making me blue, and came back. I managed to get laundry done, whoop-de-doo. I finished 1/2 the painting I wanted to do, didn't clean at all, but did manage to rearrange the electronics like I wanted. The crap part of that is I lost center channel moving everything around and I don't have the energy or time to pull everything back out right now to fix it.
Back in the kitchen for the second half of the day. Spent another 2 hours in the kitchen. Made myself a nice egg white omelet with some smoked salmon and spinach. Then showtime. I was doing fine until we had a meeting after the show. What should have taken ten minutes turned into an hour. I was expecting to be home before 1 but didn't get home until almost 2 and fell asleep around 2:30.
Now it's back into the kitchen at 1, their house at 3, serve at 5:30, done around 8, then back to work at 6:30. I basically have six hours to finish painting, clean my house, run to IKEA, and try to have a life. Not this weekend...
I met my bosses wife at the grocery store a little before 8 yesterday. We did pretty good - dinner for 15 with a bottle of bourbon for $148. I even threw in a couple of small things for myself. I mean hell, I am not getting paid for this today, I might as well get a couple of Rockstars and some cheese out of it, right? Got home and started prepping. I was in the kitchen from 9 until 11:30. I then started to try and do some of my things. I went to the pet store, did a quick fake and bake because this weather has been making me blue, and came back. I managed to get laundry done, whoop-de-doo. I finished 1/2 the painting I wanted to do, didn't clean at all, but did manage to rearrange the electronics like I wanted. The crap part of that is I lost center channel moving everything around and I don't have the energy or time to pull everything back out right now to fix it.
Back in the kitchen for the second half of the day. Spent another 2 hours in the kitchen. Made myself a nice egg white omelet with some smoked salmon and spinach. Then showtime. I was doing fine until we had a meeting after the show. What should have taken ten minutes turned into an hour. I was expecting to be home before 1 but didn't get home until almost 2 and fell asleep around 2:30.
Now it's back into the kitchen at 1, their house at 3, serve at 5:30, done around 8, then back to work at 6:30. I basically have six hours to finish painting, clean my house, run to IKEA, and try to have a life. Not this weekend...
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Y2 D227
First thing I need to vent about is something really stupid that happened at work yesterday. I have been at this client since October 20th roughly. In that time I have brought a laptop with me every day. I have to work on their machines for security reasons, but I still bring mine to check facebook, read news, etc. Yesterday I was told by their security guy that I couldn't have it on or out. EVEN THOUGH I am not on their network in anyway. It's like really?? Now, after three months you are saying something?? Luckily I only have two more weeks at the client. Whatever.
Ok, now on to more fun things. I spent the morning paying bills before I left. Always fun. Nothing like sending out more than half your paycheck in fifteen minutes. BUT everyone is paid once more. At least for now. Some stuff doesn't come out until the fifteenth. I need to still watch every penny though. No wild nights out where I spend way too much money.
I did run some errands yesterday including finding two new shoe racks at the thrift store for $9. That was a find. The shoes in my closet have been piling up and now they are organized. I need one more to get them all cleaned, but it looks a hell of a lot better. I also found a new jewelry armoire at Target 50% off. It's a floor standing kind and it was marked down to $29. Got a steal on that. My jewelry box was too small for the quantity of necklaces and cufflinks I have, not to mention earrings. Now it's all organized. Yay me.
After running errands a friend and I went over to our director's house to just hang out. That was fun. But I have a lot to do today with the dinner party on Sunday so I am a little stressed. I actually made an hour by hour itinerary for today. So far I am on schedule. Let's see how I do. I need to clean my house today, prep for Sunday, and get ready for a show. It's going to be a long day.
Ok, now on to more fun things. I spent the morning paying bills before I left. Always fun. Nothing like sending out more than half your paycheck in fifteen minutes. BUT everyone is paid once more. At least for now. Some stuff doesn't come out until the fifteenth. I need to still watch every penny though. No wild nights out where I spend way too much money.
I did run some errands yesterday including finding two new shoe racks at the thrift store for $9. That was a find. The shoes in my closet have been piling up and now they are organized. I need one more to get them all cleaned, but it looks a hell of a lot better. I also found a new jewelry armoire at Target 50% off. It's a floor standing kind and it was marked down to $29. Got a steal on that. My jewelry box was too small for the quantity of necklaces and cufflinks I have, not to mention earrings. Now it's all organized. Yay me.
After running errands a friend and I went over to our director's house to just hang out. That was fun. But I have a lot to do today with the dinner party on Sunday so I am a little stressed. I actually made an hour by hour itinerary for today. So far I am on schedule. Let's see how I do. I need to clean my house today, prep for Sunday, and get ready for a show. It's going to be a long day.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Y2 D226
Boring day, interesting night. The day was all about work. A full day in the office, but nothing exciting. I finished the 5th of six reports fully through UAT which means today if I can finish the final one, I will be doing good. We were supposed to be through UAT by the 31st, but if we get them done this week then no one will have a problem. As it is, having the five in production has been solid.
The weird parts of yesterday included having dinner with X1's parents without the kid around. Everyone I know read my article online. A few people saw hard copies, but overall, it was all online. Except for the kid's grandmother. She not only read it in the paper, but bought three extra copies for me. She sent me an email yesterday saying that she had copies and I said thank you I will pick them up after work. "Oh great you can stay for dinner!". Um, ok? I ended up staying for dinner because, yes I am a nice guy. I mean it wasn't horrible, just a little odd.
The strange part came during dinner when I got a call from my director. He needed me to run up to one of the theaters in the city to grab props for Saturday's show. He wanted me to go tonight, but then I started thinking about it and decided I didn't want to go into the city on a Friday night if I could help it. This doesn't seem like a big deal until you remember that grandma HATES RHPS with a passion. She has said 'if I were a millionaire I would buy every print and burn them'. Wow. Ok. So I had to lie and say I had to do some work stuff and got out of there.
Drove into the city and got to the theater right in the perfect window of in between films. That was part of the catch. I had to get there after the current film but before the next. I had minutes to spare. Got the props, headed back home. Got home around nine. Just a strange night.
Just finished paying bills mostly, still have a few more to deal with tonight, but for the most part done. I am going to start doing prep work for Sunday's dinner party tonight. Some day maybe G and I will hook back up, but given our schedules it may be a while.
The weird parts of yesterday included having dinner with X1's parents without the kid around. Everyone I know read my article online. A few people saw hard copies, but overall, it was all online. Except for the kid's grandmother. She not only read it in the paper, but bought three extra copies for me. She sent me an email yesterday saying that she had copies and I said thank you I will pick them up after work. "Oh great you can stay for dinner!". Um, ok? I ended up staying for dinner because, yes I am a nice guy. I mean it wasn't horrible, just a little odd.
The strange part came during dinner when I got a call from my director. He needed me to run up to one of the theaters in the city to grab props for Saturday's show. He wanted me to go tonight, but then I started thinking about it and decided I didn't want to go into the city on a Friday night if I could help it. This doesn't seem like a big deal until you remember that grandma HATES RHPS with a passion. She has said 'if I were a millionaire I would buy every print and burn them'. Wow. Ok. So I had to lie and say I had to do some work stuff and got out of there.
Drove into the city and got to the theater right in the perfect window of in between films. That was part of the catch. I had to get there after the current film but before the next. I had minutes to spare. Got the props, headed back home. Got home around nine. Just a strange night.
Just finished paying bills mostly, still have a few more to deal with tonight, but for the most part done. I am going to start doing prep work for Sunday's dinner party tonight. Some day maybe G and I will hook back up, but given our schedules it may be a while.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Y2 D225
Well the article in the paper turned out to be more than I expected; I am now catering a dinner party this Sunday for my boss and 14 of his friends and family. Then on the 22nd I am hosting a dinner party for my grandmother and aunt. Holy crap. Is this my fifteen minutes? I never thought I would get it for food. Only one person had the balls to call me out on how skinny I look in the pictures. Honestly it was the first thing I thought when I saw them.
Spent all day yesterday doing a training class for the client on the reports I have been building. What should have taken like 4 hours turned into 7. Mostly because we knew we had the time and took our time on purpose. None of us really wanted to do anything yesterday. But it was still a productive day.
Came home and did some more work in the house. I also went and talked to my rental office about my upcoming lease expiration. Odds are they will be increasing my rent by at least $100. I need to be ready for that. I am not looking forward to it, but I expected it. I just need to figure out where I am getting an extra $100. I can't wait until May when I send off the last child support check. Talk about relief. If I hadn't been sending that this last year, I would be in a much different place. Once the kid hits 18 in February we are going to be doing it differently anyway. I will be putting money twice a month into an account just for her and she will be paying her step-dad monthly for bills. It will be a good learning experience for her.
Almost through painting the steamer trunk. I did two more coats on the trim last night and one more on the main body. Tonight I need to do one last coat on the main part of the body, then I have to do a high gloss cover. I think I will finish up the hardware tonight though as it may scratch the body and I don't want to paint twice. I also decided on which pieces I will be selling in my house. I am going to replace my dining room table, my buffet table, the desk in the kid's room, and my bed frame. I looked at Ikea and some other places on line and I will sell my current stuff for enough to cover replacements. No more, no less. I don't want to be greedy, but I want enough to cover new stuff without any out of pocket. Just replacing these little things will totally change up my place. Kind of exciting. Now I just have to find buyers for my current stuff. Nothing new until the old is gone.
Today I have to finish up some reporting and that's it. G and I are back to playing tag, but it's no big deal. We will hookup at some point. I did hear back from L and it seems over the break she found some groups to hang out with and is moving in another direction from me. That's fine. There was never any major connection there anyway and I don't feel slighted or bent about it.
Off to work...
Spent all day yesterday doing a training class for the client on the reports I have been building. What should have taken like 4 hours turned into 7. Mostly because we knew we had the time and took our time on purpose. None of us really wanted to do anything yesterday. But it was still a productive day.
Came home and did some more work in the house. I also went and talked to my rental office about my upcoming lease expiration. Odds are they will be increasing my rent by at least $100. I need to be ready for that. I am not looking forward to it, but I expected it. I just need to figure out where I am getting an extra $100. I can't wait until May when I send off the last child support check. Talk about relief. If I hadn't been sending that this last year, I would be in a much different place. Once the kid hits 18 in February we are going to be doing it differently anyway. I will be putting money twice a month into an account just for her and she will be paying her step-dad monthly for bills. It will be a good learning experience for her.
Almost through painting the steamer trunk. I did two more coats on the trim last night and one more on the main body. Tonight I need to do one last coat on the main part of the body, then I have to do a high gloss cover. I think I will finish up the hardware tonight though as it may scratch the body and I don't want to paint twice. I also decided on which pieces I will be selling in my house. I am going to replace my dining room table, my buffet table, the desk in the kid's room, and my bed frame. I looked at Ikea and some other places on line and I will sell my current stuff for enough to cover replacements. No more, no less. I don't want to be greedy, but I want enough to cover new stuff without any out of pocket. Just replacing these little things will totally change up my place. Kind of exciting. Now I just have to find buyers for my current stuff. Nothing new until the old is gone.
Today I have to finish up some reporting and that's it. G and I are back to playing tag, but it's no big deal. We will hookup at some point. I did hear back from L and it seems over the break she found some groups to hang out with and is moving in another direction from me. That's fine. There was never any major connection there anyway and I don't feel slighted or bent about it.
Off to work...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Y2 D224
The article about me is out in the paper today! I read the online version this morning. Very cool stuff. I feel really good about it. I don't like how I look in the pictures, but I like the article itself. Makes me feel pretty damn good about myself. I want to see if I can find a hard copy this morning. I haven't bought a newspaper in so long I don't even know who sells this particular paper. Yesterday was a pretty good day; got the official word that the client is extending me for two more weeks. This at least takes care of January. They will probably have me back starting in quarter two, but that means I have two months in there where I am not sure what I will be doing.
G sent me an email last night. She wants to have a second date. This is good. I have to reply still because she sent it after I went to bed last night. I think in some ways we might be at opposite ends of the time spectrum with me getting up way earlier than she does. But if that's our biggest issue, so be it. She seems nice and she is while not anything like LO, a good looking woman. She looks good for her age. I know how much of an asshole sounding remark that is, but it's true.
Worked more on the house last night. Started thinking about which pieces to sell and what to put into hiding. Also worked more on the steamer trunk. I am focused this year so far. No wallowing. No moaning. Five days in and I am doing pretty good on that.
G sent me an email last night. She wants to have a second date. This is good. I have to reply still because she sent it after I went to bed last night. I think in some ways we might be at opposite ends of the time spectrum with me getting up way earlier than she does. But if that's our biggest issue, so be it. She seems nice and she is while not anything like LO, a good looking woman. She looks good for her age. I know how much of an asshole sounding remark that is, but it's true.
Worked more on the house last night. Started thinking about which pieces to sell and what to put into hiding. Also worked more on the steamer trunk. I am focused this year so far. No wallowing. No moaning. Five days in and I am doing pretty good on that.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Y2 D223
You know something? I am louder than God's revolver and twice as fucking shiny. I am a fucking god. I am the closest thing you will ever see that proves god does make perfection. Bow and worship when I walk by motherfucker.
What am I talking about? My ego. My attitude. As we enter this new year, I have been reflecting on all the things that happened last year that kept putting me into a spiral and at the same time all the things that kept me riding high. There was one piece of commonality that I kept coming back to again and again. The times I was at my lowest, it was my own goddamn fault.
I let my ego down. My ego was down, my self-esteem was down, my self-worth. But they were all driven by me. There wasn't any reason all the things, and yes they are all just things, around me should have driven me so far over the edge and into despair. Fuck that. The *best* years I can remember are ones where the ego stayed high. Where I let it all slide. Fuck the happy place - there is no happy place. You have to let it slide. Keep that in your head and your going to be ok kiddo.
So you want a new year resolution? You want something to hang your hat on babies? How about this -- no more. No more will this boy let outside forces bring the ego down. This may not be the best year ever. No one can predict that. But if I let the bullshit slide and embrace the good, then it will be a damn good year regardless of whatever crap gets thrown at me. It's all temporary and it's all meaningless. The only thing that matters is me.
Why all this thought now? I had my date last night with G. I sent her a message in the morning saying I was tired of playing phone tag and that we should meet for dinner, Wednesday, 7pm. Boom. She texted me back later saying that Wednesday didn't work but she was free last night. Fine. Done. No more screwing around playing coy. Let's meet and see where this goes.
We ended up having Indian food for dinner, which led to drinks afterwards. I always see it as a positive sign if they want to continue the evening after dinner. Kind of a little gauge on how the evening is going. In total we were out from about 6:45 until 10 together. Not too shabby for a normal first date. She is cute by the way. Age appropriate. A little different than some of the other women I have dated in the past, but a nice person.
More importantly? Third day of the new year and I was on a date already. THAT'S the real point. Even if nothing ever comes of it, I feel good because I am grabbing the bull by the fucking horns and riding it. No more sitting at home woe is me. I was out enjoying life and making things happen.
Welcome to a new year motherfuckers.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Y2 D222
Day 222. 143 more to go and it will be two full years. How time flies when you're going crazy...
Odd day yesterday. My date didn't happen; we played phone tag during the day. I am never sure how much time is enough to allow before calling someone. I sent her a message at 3am saying that I was sorry we didn't connect on Saturday and she should call me any time. Around 2:30 I received a response saying she had just got the message. So I tried calling. I then waited until 5:30 and tried again. I guess that's all I can do, right? I am not going to make myself look dumb.
Other than playing phone tag, the only other thing I did yesterday was re-organize my closet. I went through and started figuring out what does and doesn't fit any more. The biggest area I am lacking is in pants. Almost all of my pants were too big. I ended up clearing about six or seven old pairs out of the closet. I may need this weekend to go buy a couple new pairs of work appropriate pants that actually fit. I have plenty of jeans, but now have only three pairs of pants I can wear to work. I guess that's ok, but it doesn't give me much variety. I have 2 grey and one black pair. Everything else was way too big. Heck even the ones left over are a little loose, but they are wearable. For shirts, I don't mind if they are a little big but I did clear out at least 5 different shirts that were just too big.
Slept during the day for a few hours. Tonight I am going to clean my bathroom. Without the kid here I can actually clean again. She is a tornado in the bathroom. Hair and stuff everywhere. We will work on that issue this summer.
Off to work. Last official week on this project.
Odd day yesterday. My date didn't happen; we played phone tag during the day. I am never sure how much time is enough to allow before calling someone. I sent her a message at 3am saying that I was sorry we didn't connect on Saturday and she should call me any time. Around 2:30 I received a response saying she had just got the message. So I tried calling. I then waited until 5:30 and tried again. I guess that's all I can do, right? I am not going to make myself look dumb.
Other than playing phone tag, the only other thing I did yesterday was re-organize my closet. I went through and started figuring out what does and doesn't fit any more. The biggest area I am lacking is in pants. Almost all of my pants were too big. I ended up clearing about six or seven old pairs out of the closet. I may need this weekend to go buy a couple new pairs of work appropriate pants that actually fit. I have plenty of jeans, but now have only three pairs of pants I can wear to work. I guess that's ok, but it doesn't give me much variety. I have 2 grey and one black pair. Everything else was way too big. Heck even the ones left over are a little loose, but they are wearable. For shirts, I don't mind if they are a little big but I did clear out at least 5 different shirts that were just too big.
Slept during the day for a few hours. Tonight I am going to clean my bathroom. Without the kid here I can actually clean again. She is a tornado in the bathroom. Hair and stuff everywhere. We will work on that issue this summer.
Off to work. Last official week on this project.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Y2 D221
It's only 9:40 and I have already had a long day. Just got home from taking the kid back. We did the show last night, got out around 3, had pie, came out to load the car and hit the road around 4:15.
Odd day yesterday. Because Friday was a holiday and we had a show I was off most of the morning. Kept thinking it was Sunday. About halfway through it hit me that no, it's Saturday and I have another show to do. Took a decent nap during the day to make sure I had stamina for the show which turned out to be a good thing since I haven't slept since. God I need a shower, I feel all grimy.
I miss the kid already but like having my house back. The dynamic in June is going to be very interesting. I hope she realizes she will be more roommate than anything else at that point. I *hope* I can realize that too.
Had a really good show last night. Everyone had fun, the cast was solid, didn't miss any props, and even our directors were happy. It was a nice way to start the year. Haven't heard back on my date today, and we have to see what happens. Until then? A nice soak is sounding good.
Odd day yesterday. Because Friday was a holiday and we had a show I was off most of the morning. Kept thinking it was Sunday. About halfway through it hit me that no, it's Saturday and I have another show to do. Took a decent nap during the day to make sure I had stamina for the show which turned out to be a good thing since I haven't slept since. God I need a shower, I feel all grimy.
I miss the kid already but like having my house back. The dynamic in June is going to be very interesting. I hope she realizes she will be more roommate than anything else at that point. I *hope* I can realize that too.
Had a really good show last night. Everyone had fun, the cast was solid, didn't miss any props, and even our directors were happy. It was a nice way to start the year. Haven't heard back on my date today, and we have to see what happens. Until then? A nice soak is sounding good.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Y2 D220
Well I made it. Here we are in another new year. Let's see how this one treats me. Hopefully better than the last. I have some goals for this new year, not resolutions as that implies something is wrong with me and I need to be more resolute about not doing that thing. No, instead I prefer to have goals to accomplish. Here they are in no particular order:
1. Stop screwing around with girls way too young for me. If I am to find a solid relationship then I need to be realistic about who I screw around with. No more 20 somethings. I want something lasting this year.
2. Find something lasting. The Charlie Sheen thing has been fun, but I am done. I need to find a solid partner this year to help me get through those rough patches and to enjoy the good times as well. I do have a date tomorrow so who knows, this may be the start of achieving this goal.
3. Be as financially frugal and responsible as life allows. I will not go through the same things I went through this last year. The stress of being always in the red nearly killed me. I am not off to the best start on this, but that is also due to coming into it not in the best place. I am hoping I have a good first quarter and can be ahead of the game early in the year and stay there.
4. Now it's time for the dumb ones - I am going to let my hair grow. Why not? I haven't had long hair since 03. Let's see how it looks.
5. I am going to lose another 15 pounds. Only because I want to see if I can. I know none of you will approve of this one, but it's my body. And honestly it's a physical challenge to see if I can do it. I might hit 10 and realize any more will kill me, but it's worth a shot.
6. Drink no more than 30% of the year. This means I can have a drink 109 out of 365 days. Or 9 drinks per month. I know that sounds like a weird goal, but given how much I have and can drink, I think this is pretty solid of an aspiration. If I can say I didn't drink 70% of the year come December, then good for me.
7. Try to be vegetarian at least 50% of the year. Roughly 180 days without any meat. Another solid thing to try and accomplish.
8. Save my hips and back. This means I am done carrying things in my pockets. My hips and back constantly are killing me from sitting on a wallet. I always have crap falling out of my pockets. I have things weighing me down in my jacket constantly. So I don't care what society says. I am carrying a bag again on a regular basis. Call it a purse, call me whatever names you want. I don't care. I want to be out of pain.
9. Which brings me to the last one -- be true to myself. I have made great strides in this over the last year and a half, but I have ways to go. This year I want to express myself as I feel without worrying about reprise or shame. This ones is hard to explain. Some of you might know what I mean, but trust me, this is part of why I get so depressed. I feel trapped and can't express myself sometimes. No more. I am going to let myself be happy.
10. Ok, one more -- be happy and positive more than depressing and pessimistic. A simple goal we should all have, all the time...
In other news, great show last night. We had a blast. One of the safest and most sane times I have had on new year's in a while. The show went smooth for the most part, people had fun without being stupid, the kid got to be on stage with us during the countdown, and overall a damn good safe and sane way to spend the night. We shared a bottle of champagne I brought back stage, but that was all the drinking I did. Like 3 glasses of champagne myself all night. I ended up driving a friend's car home since I got a ride up to the show it was no big deal. I need to bring it back to him today. Funny, last new year's it was me who woke up without a car. It's nice to go the other way.
Another show tonight and then I drive the kid home. This time tomorrow I will be heading back to an empty house but getting ready for a date.
1. Stop screwing around with girls way too young for me. If I am to find a solid relationship then I need to be realistic about who I screw around with. No more 20 somethings. I want something lasting this year.
2. Find something lasting. The Charlie Sheen thing has been fun, but I am done. I need to find a solid partner this year to help me get through those rough patches and to enjoy the good times as well. I do have a date tomorrow so who knows, this may be the start of achieving this goal.
3. Be as financially frugal and responsible as life allows. I will not go through the same things I went through this last year. The stress of being always in the red nearly killed me. I am not off to the best start on this, but that is also due to coming into it not in the best place. I am hoping I have a good first quarter and can be ahead of the game early in the year and stay there.
4. Now it's time for the dumb ones - I am going to let my hair grow. Why not? I haven't had long hair since 03. Let's see how it looks.
5. I am going to lose another 15 pounds. Only because I want to see if I can. I know none of you will approve of this one, but it's my body. And honestly it's a physical challenge to see if I can do it. I might hit 10 and realize any more will kill me, but it's worth a shot.
6. Drink no more than 30% of the year. This means I can have a drink 109 out of 365 days. Or 9 drinks per month. I know that sounds like a weird goal, but given how much I have and can drink, I think this is pretty solid of an aspiration. If I can say I didn't drink 70% of the year come December, then good for me.
7. Try to be vegetarian at least 50% of the year. Roughly 180 days without any meat. Another solid thing to try and accomplish.
8. Save my hips and back. This means I am done carrying things in my pockets. My hips and back constantly are killing me from sitting on a wallet. I always have crap falling out of my pockets. I have things weighing me down in my jacket constantly. So I don't care what society says. I am carrying a bag again on a regular basis. Call it a purse, call me whatever names you want. I don't care. I want to be out of pain.
9. Which brings me to the last one -- be true to myself. I have made great strides in this over the last year and a half, but I have ways to go. This year I want to express myself as I feel without worrying about reprise or shame. This ones is hard to explain. Some of you might know what I mean, but trust me, this is part of why I get so depressed. I feel trapped and can't express myself sometimes. No more. I am going to let myself be happy.
10. Ok, one more -- be happy and positive more than depressing and pessimistic. A simple goal we should all have, all the time...
In other news, great show last night. We had a blast. One of the safest and most sane times I have had on new year's in a while. The show went smooth for the most part, people had fun without being stupid, the kid got to be on stage with us during the countdown, and overall a damn good safe and sane way to spend the night. We shared a bottle of champagne I brought back stage, but that was all the drinking I did. Like 3 glasses of champagne myself all night. I ended up driving a friend's car home since I got a ride up to the show it was no big deal. I need to bring it back to him today. Funny, last new year's it was me who woke up without a car. It's nice to go the other way.
Another show tonight and then I drive the kid home. This time tomorrow I will be heading back to an empty house but getting ready for a date.
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