The ol' noggin' she be hurtin' this morning. Aye. Thump thump goes the head. Helped my buddy celebrate his 30th birthday last night. If he is feeling half as bad as I am right now then he had a hell of a birthday. I think I said goodbye to him? Hell I don't even remember who was still at the bar when we left last night. Secrets shared, lips flapping, drunken camaraderie. Oh yeah, it was all there last night. From about 7 until I think around 1. Seriously, I don't remember. Okay, that's partially true. I do remember because I got home and texted LO around 2. Yes, I drunk texted her. In french. Best part? She responded and told me how it actually made her feel good because she has been feeling down about work and the kind random words from me coming in the middle of the night/morning in french picked her spirits up. Take that drunken gods! Ha! What? Huh? I don't know. My head is spinning. I am still a little drunk I think. We left the bar and kept drinking. I say we, I should clarify. We equals me and my directors. They were smart and got a hotel room down the street from the bar. And brought rockstar and vodka. I thought I was a pro, these guys make me look like the bush leagues.
Worked during the day at my local client. I wish he could hire me. He is close and I like the company. But it's not in the cards. They do contractors versus FTEs. It's their way. But they do want me there for at least a good three to four months which means even if I don't get the new job, I am stable for a while and could in fact actually have a good time of it at my current place. Same place every day, less than a mile from the house, client who knows me, etc. It does make things kind of nice if this new position doesn't work out. I am still going to take the new job if they offer it to me, it's just nice to know that the next few months are solid just in case.
After work I came home and chilled for a couple of hours before heading to the bar. Got to the bar around 7 and left around 1. You know what happened in between. The good thing is I was amongst friends and not drinking alone and trying to pick up women. I thought about that last night in one of my sober moments; I haven't gone out drinking alone in quite a while. When I go out these days it's to meet up with friends and people. That I think is a positive.
Need to clean the house, get some groceries, etc today. Show tonight. Have roughly 12 hours before I have to leave. Need to pick up props at some point. Let's do this...
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Y2 D338
I have been thinking to much about X2 lately. I don't know why specifically and it's mostly just fleeting thoughts that pop in and out when I see something or have a tangential thought which reminds me of something else. It's actually kind of annoying because it's not like I am sitting and trying to think about her. Maybe it's because I have been talking with her sister lately and helping her through some issues or because yesterday was her birthday (the sister's not X2's). Regardless, I wish my brain would stop it.
Taught the final day of training yesterday. Did get a phone call from the recruiter on the new job during the lunch break. Seems the hiring manager wants to have one more face to face meeting. We both kind of likened it to the third date analogy. I have had two face to face dates with them and this is the final one to see if we sleep together or move on. He did say from his past experience with this company that this is not uncommon for them and they use the time to make an offer about half the time. The other half it comes the next day. Fine. We can have a third date. But you'd better sleep with me or let me go. No more after this.
Wrapped up class around two and headed home. Got home about four and unpacked, checked the animals, etc. I did stop at the grocery store since I knew I had no food in the house that would be edible after being gone for a week. I treated myself to a nice little steak, some white corn, and a big salad. I melted some blue cheese on the steak too. Was pretty damn good. Got laundry done and realized the rest of my house is a mess. Guess what my weekend plans are?
I also cancelled E-harmony yesterday - officially. I am done with it. Life will find me when it is ready.
Taught the final day of training yesterday. Did get a phone call from the recruiter on the new job during the lunch break. Seems the hiring manager wants to have one more face to face meeting. We both kind of likened it to the third date analogy. I have had two face to face dates with them and this is the final one to see if we sleep together or move on. He did say from his past experience with this company that this is not uncommon for them and they use the time to make an offer about half the time. The other half it comes the next day. Fine. We can have a third date. But you'd better sleep with me or let me go. No more after this.
Wrapped up class around two and headed home. Got home about four and unpacked, checked the animals, etc. I did stop at the grocery store since I knew I had no food in the house that would be edible after being gone for a week. I treated myself to a nice little steak, some white corn, and a big salad. I melted some blue cheese on the steak too. Was pretty damn good. Got laundry done and realized the rest of my house is a mess. Guess what my weekend plans are?
I also cancelled E-harmony yesterday - officially. I am done with it. Life will find me when it is ready.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Y2 D337
I am tired today. I worked about 13 hours yesterday between two clients. This is the kind of thing my bosses don't get. They want me to work work work for the potential of a bonus, but all it does is make me cranky and tired because in this case all I did was go from one client to a hotel room to bed. This is no way to live. Honestly, my whole day yesterday consisted of getting up around 4:30, typing away here, going to the client, teaching all day (nothing eventful happened), driving the 2.9 miles back to the hotel, reading emails for an hour, eating a chicken dinner at the hotel restaurant at six, then returning to my room to work until 9:30. That's it. That was my day. I spoke to no one outside the people I was training and a waiter. I had no time or energy to read, watch anything, etc. My world had a 3 mile radius. THIS is why I am looking for a new job. I still haven't heard back. I know they have called all my references, but no word. I am hoping to hear something today. It worries me a bit that I haven't heard back. I trust that no one threw me under a bus, but still, one misplaced comment can cost someone a job. Paranoid much? Yes. It's not paranoia when they really are after you...
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Y2 D336
Irony at its best: when I was in AZ back in June where I had my trouble at a training class, one of the complaints was I had removed my shoes under the desk while the class was working on an exercise. Yesterday when the guy who put together the training we were doing got up to introduce me, he did in his socks. That's the amusing part; when I mentioned it to my bosses via an email, their responses did kind of piss me off. They saw the humor, but one of them had to say 'yes, but did he smell of booze after having sex with some young girl?'. I know he was trying to be funny, but it was a slap. I responded nicely with 'I am sitting in my hotel room working on XXX's stuff'. I thought that would be the end of it. No he had to come back with 'It's not midnight yet'. Damn. Ouch. And people wonder why I am thinking of a new job...
The class went okay. It's not formal training, but rather an informal mentoring with 5 people in the room. We are going through different scenarios and how you would handle them. One of the guys near the end of the day pointed out that the things I have been teaching are slightly different than the official classes he has attended. Luckily the group backed me on this one and they commented on how we weren't using demo data, nor were we intentionally trying to create best case scenarios. Instead I was showing them how to deal with the unexpected which differs from the official courseware. I think it went down well, but we will find out today when we decide on the topics and path of the class. It's always safer when you are dealing with official courseware, but that's not what they wanted. Fine.
I really did come back to the hotel and do nothing. I stopped at the store and picked up some food. I spent about 2 hours working on one reporting problem, watched an episode of Reaper on netflix, then sat in bed reading Fight Club. Read for two hours and finished the book for the umpteenth time. That was my night. No money blown, no girls screwed. Good boy. Here's a bone.
I did hear back from the recruiter - they are still calling references. I am worried and impressed. Hopefully I will hear something today.
The class went okay. It's not formal training, but rather an informal mentoring with 5 people in the room. We are going through different scenarios and how you would handle them. One of the guys near the end of the day pointed out that the things I have been teaching are slightly different than the official classes he has attended. Luckily the group backed me on this one and they commented on how we weren't using demo data, nor were we intentionally trying to create best case scenarios. Instead I was showing them how to deal with the unexpected which differs from the official courseware. I think it went down well, but we will find out today when we decide on the topics and path of the class. It's always safer when you are dealing with official courseware, but that's not what they wanted. Fine.
I really did come back to the hotel and do nothing. I stopped at the store and picked up some food. I spent about 2 hours working on one reporting problem, watched an episode of Reaper on netflix, then sat in bed reading Fight Club. Read for two hours and finished the book for the umpteenth time. That was my night. No money blown, no girls screwed. Good boy. Here's a bone.
I did hear back from the recruiter - they are still calling references. I am worried and impressed. Hopefully I will hear something today.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Y2 D335
I hate that they put mirrors in front of the desks in hotel rooms...
I was pondering yesterday about the cyclical nature of life. I started thinking about this job I am waiting to hear back from and it made me think back to when I was about to take a new job offer in 98. I then started mentally backing up from 98 to see how my life had been. Walk down memory lane with me…
In 95 I was at a job I hated, in a marriage to a woman who was and is a whore, and in an area I couldn't stand. My grandmother died in 95 and this was a huge loss for me. I was very close to her and it was (at the time) the last family member I was in contact with and cared about. My marriage was completely in ruins and I was drinking myself to death. I was angry, frustrated, and the only thing keeping me going was the kid. It was towards the end of that year when I met X2. We met at a conference while I was still married. We went out a couple of times and I realized I had value and was a human being deserving of more than I had. There was no expectation that anything would come of it or that I would ever see her again, but she in a short time, changed my life. I went home, told X1 I was moving out and I was done. The next few months were rough as I struggled to find myself and establish a life. I had a good friend who was also going through things and we supported each other. I miss him by the way, but that's a whole other story that I don't feel like discussing.
Fast forward to 97. Two years almost. Two years… X2 and I are living together, but we are not doing well financially due mostly to my fuckups. We are both out of work, out of options, and worst of all, freshly married. We decide to make a huge life change and move 300 miles to a new area where we will have more options. The first six months or so are a struggle; we find jobs, but they don't work out. In late 98 a friend of mine offers me a job as a developer at a new company he just became VP at. It's small, untested, and interesting. The money is good, not great, but good, and it will be a fresh start. I accept it. I am there for six years. 98 through 2002 are the four best years of mine and X2's life. We get raises, we get promotions, we are living a GOOD life. We have cars, food, friends, and love. We are fucking happy. 2003 things start to plateau. Much of it is due to my arrogance at work and my youth. I am too conceited and good. Things aren't bad, but there is a shift in the wind. We buy a house in 03 and for a while we are still happy. By 04 I lose my job due to my own issues and we start drinking to hide the gap that is beginning to form between us. I find a new job (at my current company no less) after taking one which nearly ruined me with how much I was on the road. Little did I know… The company asks me to move in 06 and that's when life really goes to hell in a hand-basket as you, faithful readers, all know. Fast forward five years and here we are.
So let's examine the current cycle, shall we? 07 life sucks. Job sucks. Make life changes. Pretend it's alright when I know it isn't. Drinking myself to death. 08, lawsuit, marriage falling apart. 09, divorced, alone, rebuilding, still drinking myself to death. 10, slowly recovering. Financial issues, personal issues; drugs, alcohol, bad relationships. Mid-year, things take a turn. I meet someone (LO) who shows me I have worth. I had to hit rock bottom. I had to stick the feathers up my ass and say I was a chicken. I had to burn the lips into my hands. Almost a year later and I see up. Almost two years since it fell apart. Three since things started going to hell. Sound familiar?
And now? Now I have a chance to move forward possibly. If they offer me the job, I see 98 all over again. A chance to rebuild. A chance to start over and maybe if not break, at least alter the cycle. Spend the next five years trying to do things slightly different while staying on the up. No one is up forever, but if I can get 6 or even 8 years instead of 4 this time because of my own decisions and choices? So far, I have broken the cycle in a major way - I am still alone. I walked away from N-whatever she was. I could have settled but I chose to break a pattern. This is GOOD for me as much as I bitch about it. I need to be up and solid ON MY OWN before I can be of value to anyone else. I know this deep down. I need to fix this broken machine before I can do anything. I am close. I *FEEL* it. This job could be the catalyst. This could be my road back to… what? Not salvation. I can never be saved. That much I know. No, normalcy. Redemption possibly. Those are more important to me than salvation any day.
I am sitting in a hotel room while I type this. Off to meet a new client soon and hoping for word on the job. I know they called at least three of my references yesterday. Spent most of the day driving and doing some work from the hotel room. Had a decent dinner in the hotel bar. I didn't want to hit the town even though I could have because I didn't want a repeat of Arizona. While I would love to get laid finally, I don't want to leave a sour taste in my bosses mouth regardless of a new job or not. I need to show them that I can be an adult. Fuck that, I need to show MYSELF that I can have control and not lose it. I did half ass flirt with a couple of women. One old and in need of the attention, the other young and ignoring me. It's all a fucking game. Came back to the room, chatted online with some friends, went to bed. I did good.
I was pondering yesterday about the cyclical nature of life. I started thinking about this job I am waiting to hear back from and it made me think back to when I was about to take a new job offer in 98. I then started mentally backing up from 98 to see how my life had been. Walk down memory lane with me…
In 95 I was at a job I hated, in a marriage to a woman who was and is a whore, and in an area I couldn't stand. My grandmother died in 95 and this was a huge loss for me. I was very close to her and it was (at the time) the last family member I was in contact with and cared about. My marriage was completely in ruins and I was drinking myself to death. I was angry, frustrated, and the only thing keeping me going was the kid. It was towards the end of that year when I met X2. We met at a conference while I was still married. We went out a couple of times and I realized I had value and was a human being deserving of more than I had. There was no expectation that anything would come of it or that I would ever see her again, but she in a short time, changed my life. I went home, told X1 I was moving out and I was done. The next few months were rough as I struggled to find myself and establish a life. I had a good friend who was also going through things and we supported each other. I miss him by the way, but that's a whole other story that I don't feel like discussing.
Fast forward to 97. Two years almost. Two years… X2 and I are living together, but we are not doing well financially due mostly to my fuckups. We are both out of work, out of options, and worst of all, freshly married. We decide to make a huge life change and move 300 miles to a new area where we will have more options. The first six months or so are a struggle; we find jobs, but they don't work out. In late 98 a friend of mine offers me a job as a developer at a new company he just became VP at. It's small, untested, and interesting. The money is good, not great, but good, and it will be a fresh start. I accept it. I am there for six years. 98 through 2002 are the four best years of mine and X2's life. We get raises, we get promotions, we are living a GOOD life. We have cars, food, friends, and love. We are fucking happy. 2003 things start to plateau. Much of it is due to my arrogance at work and my youth. I am too conceited and good. Things aren't bad, but there is a shift in the wind. We buy a house in 03 and for a while we are still happy. By 04 I lose my job due to my own issues and we start drinking to hide the gap that is beginning to form between us. I find a new job (at my current company no less) after taking one which nearly ruined me with how much I was on the road. Little did I know… The company asks me to move in 06 and that's when life really goes to hell in a hand-basket as you, faithful readers, all know. Fast forward five years and here we are.
So let's examine the current cycle, shall we? 07 life sucks. Job sucks. Make life changes. Pretend it's alright when I know it isn't. Drinking myself to death. 08, lawsuit, marriage falling apart. 09, divorced, alone, rebuilding, still drinking myself to death. 10, slowly recovering. Financial issues, personal issues; drugs, alcohol, bad relationships. Mid-year, things take a turn. I meet someone (LO) who shows me I have worth. I had to hit rock bottom. I had to stick the feathers up my ass and say I was a chicken. I had to burn the lips into my hands. Almost a year later and I see up. Almost two years since it fell apart. Three since things started going to hell. Sound familiar?
And now? Now I have a chance to move forward possibly. If they offer me the job, I see 98 all over again. A chance to rebuild. A chance to start over and maybe if not break, at least alter the cycle. Spend the next five years trying to do things slightly different while staying on the up. No one is up forever, but if I can get 6 or even 8 years instead of 4 this time because of my own decisions and choices? So far, I have broken the cycle in a major way - I am still alone. I walked away from N-whatever she was. I could have settled but I chose to break a pattern. This is GOOD for me as much as I bitch about it. I need to be up and solid ON MY OWN before I can be of value to anyone else. I know this deep down. I need to fix this broken machine before I can do anything. I am close. I *FEEL* it. This job could be the catalyst. This could be my road back to… what? Not salvation. I can never be saved. That much I know. No, normalcy. Redemption possibly. Those are more important to me than salvation any day.
I am sitting in a hotel room while I type this. Off to meet a new client soon and hoping for word on the job. I know they called at least three of my references yesterday. Spent most of the day driving and doing some work from the hotel room. Had a decent dinner in the hotel bar. I didn't want to hit the town even though I could have because I didn't want a repeat of Arizona. While I would love to get laid finally, I don't want to leave a sour taste in my bosses mouth regardless of a new job or not. I need to show them that I can be an adult. Fuck that, I need to show MYSELF that I can have control and not lose it. I did half ass flirt with a couple of women. One old and in need of the attention, the other young and ignoring me. It's all a fucking game. Came back to the room, chatted online with some friends, went to bed. I did good.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Y2 D334
One month to go. Anti-climatic ending impending. Hold on tight for it kids.
Day turned out as anticipated. Spent it inside alone. Everything was closed yesterday for the most part and there was no reason to go out. I did step out once for Chinese food. I do get a sort of perverse pleasure eating Chinese food on a holiday. You're supposed to be with friends and family eating huge meals and arguing or whatever. Not sitting alone in your living room watching Twin Peaks eating Chinese version of chicken curry and egg flower soup. But that's what I did.
I did find a store open to get some food for the cat while I am gone. I need to leave out big bowls for the cat and the rabbit. The cat I am not worried about, it's the rabbits. I don't think I have left them alone for this long since getting them almost a year ago. Can you believe it's been almost a year? I am going to leave them a very large bowl of food and it will only be three days total, but I am still worried.
Packed and cleaned the house in preparation for leaving. I have to go to one local client first this morning, staying there until about noon, then coming home, leaving out food and heading to the next client. I haven't stayed in a hotel in a while. How sad I am looking forward to this. The last time I was on the road I met a 24 year old and had the best sex of my life. Almost lost my job, but the sex was worth it. Given that I have been celibate for seven months right now, who knows what I might pick up at the hotel bar tonight. Assuming there's a bar and assuming there's anything worth picking up. Sad little man I am...
Day turned out as anticipated. Spent it inside alone. Everything was closed yesterday for the most part and there was no reason to go out. I did step out once for Chinese food. I do get a sort of perverse pleasure eating Chinese food on a holiday. You're supposed to be with friends and family eating huge meals and arguing or whatever. Not sitting alone in your living room watching Twin Peaks eating Chinese version of chicken curry and egg flower soup. But that's what I did.
I did find a store open to get some food for the cat while I am gone. I need to leave out big bowls for the cat and the rabbit. The cat I am not worried about, it's the rabbits. I don't think I have left them alone for this long since getting them almost a year ago. Can you believe it's been almost a year? I am going to leave them a very large bowl of food and it will only be three days total, but I am still worried.
Packed and cleaned the house in preparation for leaving. I have to go to one local client first this morning, staying there until about noon, then coming home, leaving out food and heading to the next client. I haven't stayed in a hotel in a while. How sad I am looking forward to this. The last time I was on the road I met a 24 year old and had the best sex of my life. Almost lost my job, but the sex was worth it. Given that I have been celibate for seven months right now, who knows what I might pick up at the hotel bar tonight. Assuming there's a bar and assuming there's anything worth picking up. Sad little man I am...
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Y2 D333
Been up for a while, but moving slow not for any other reason than I can. It's Easter which means absolutely nothing to me. First off, I don't believe in a zombie god who rose from the dead after three days and second, I no longer have small children in the house who believe in a bunny who hides colored eggs and candy. Really sound stupid when you write down what this supposed 'holiday' is actually about, eh?
Drove the kid home yesterday. Back to an empty house. I was talking with X1's husband yesterday and he put a name to my issue. I was telling him about the new job and saying how I had been working from home for too many weeks. Without me having to explain he said 'Oh wow, you must end up with some serious cabin fever!' Yep, that's it right there. Cabin fever. I didn't make the connection because obviously I am not in a cabin snowed in, but the effect is the same. He got it. I mentioned this same phrase to another friend later in the day and she agree too. Cabin fever. Hopefully this new job offer will come through earlier rather than later next week and I can not worry about cabin fever any more.
Did some work for one client when I got home. I wasn't able to finish as I am missing two passwords still to finalize the configurations, and I don't expect to hear back from anyone until Monday morning with the information. The nice thing is I have to be at one client at 8am Monday then at noon, I leave to spend four days at another client. I am actually looking forward to this. It's a mentoring gig where it's very casual and it's out of town. Plus this might be my last project for the company. We shall see.
Started packing yesterday. Also re-did the old hair color. Not happy with it right now. I may end up shaving it down because I went with a slightly different color than normal for some variation and it ended up being too brassy. One of the benefits of being a guy -- Don't like the hair? Shave it off.
Played some Mortal Kombat 9. I don't think I mentioned that I picked it up while the kid was here. Her and I have a special affinity to MK. When she was small, it's the first video game I taught her how to play. Ever since then, any version of MK is our special thing. Nerdy, but true. We played some while she was here and I started in with the story mode last night. I will say, this is the best MK in a long time. None of the stupid crap they have been trying to put in the last few versions. Fatality, babality, animality -- it's all back in it's basic 2.5d glory.
Went to bed around 10 and got a solid night's sleep. Today I need to clean the house since I will be gone next week. That means emptying the fridge, litter boxes, etc. Only a couple hours worth of work. I can't go anywhere today because 99% of the stores are closed for zombie day. Luckily I got cat litter and cat food yesterday.
Off to clean.
Drove the kid home yesterday. Back to an empty house. I was talking with X1's husband yesterday and he put a name to my issue. I was telling him about the new job and saying how I had been working from home for too many weeks. Without me having to explain he said 'Oh wow, you must end up with some serious cabin fever!' Yep, that's it right there. Cabin fever. I didn't make the connection because obviously I am not in a cabin snowed in, but the effect is the same. He got it. I mentioned this same phrase to another friend later in the day and she agree too. Cabin fever. Hopefully this new job offer will come through earlier rather than later next week and I can not worry about cabin fever any more.
Did some work for one client when I got home. I wasn't able to finish as I am missing two passwords still to finalize the configurations, and I don't expect to hear back from anyone until Monday morning with the information. The nice thing is I have to be at one client at 8am Monday then at noon, I leave to spend four days at another client. I am actually looking forward to this. It's a mentoring gig where it's very casual and it's out of town. Plus this might be my last project for the company. We shall see.
Started packing yesterday. Also re-did the old hair color. Not happy with it right now. I may end up shaving it down because I went with a slightly different color than normal for some variation and it ended up being too brassy. One of the benefits of being a guy -- Don't like the hair? Shave it off.
Played some Mortal Kombat 9. I don't think I mentioned that I picked it up while the kid was here. Her and I have a special affinity to MK. When she was small, it's the first video game I taught her how to play. Ever since then, any version of MK is our special thing. Nerdy, but true. We played some while she was here and I started in with the story mode last night. I will say, this is the best MK in a long time. None of the stupid crap they have been trying to put in the last few versions. Fatality, babality, animality -- it's all back in it's basic 2.5d glory.
Went to bed around 10 and got a solid night's sleep. Today I need to clean the house since I will be gone next week. That means emptying the fridge, litter boxes, etc. Only a couple hours worth of work. I can't go anywhere today because 99% of the stores are closed for zombie day. Luckily I got cat litter and cat food yesterday.
Off to clean.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Y2 D332
It sounds like I will have a job offer in the next few days. That is if my references pan out. I really don't like the recruiter I am dealing with on this job though. Recruiters are somewhere above car salesmen, insurance salesmen, and slugs in my opinion. They are ass wipes. He assumes everyone is an idiot who has never done this before. I normally don't deal with recruiters because of this reason. This one happened to catch me at the right time and put the right thing in my path. Regardless, I submitted references yesterday and I don't know who they called yet, but it sounds like if that all goes well, I will get an offer next week. Right now? I am 90% that I will take it. I will have to break the news to my current company which will be a challenge as I am upside down to them. But I will figure it out. I always do. There is the potential of 20,000 more a year at the new company. This would relax me quite a bit. It would take about three months for things to settle down, but come July or August, I would be in a much different place mentally. Plus I could start forming relationships again. See the same people every day. Take the same commute every day. All these things are important to me.
Screwed around otherwise yesterday. The kid and I managed to get through a total of 23 Twin Peaks episodes this week including a marathon of about 6 yesterday. We only have seven to go. I am going to give her my Netflix login information so she can watch them once she is back home on streaming.
Made corned beef for dinner. Served it in pita pockets with french fries. Now that the kid is going away for a month I can go back to not eating. I have felt fat since she showed up. I need to spend the next 30 days starving myself on purpose. Drop five or ten pounds.
Driving her home in an hour. Then coming home to do some work. No show tonight which will be nice. I can relax. Spend four or five hours working, then go to bed. I am looking forward to that.
Screwed around otherwise yesterday. The kid and I managed to get through a total of 23 Twin Peaks episodes this week including a marathon of about 6 yesterday. We only have seven to go. I am going to give her my Netflix login information so she can watch them once she is back home on streaming.
Made corned beef for dinner. Served it in pita pockets with french fries. Now that the kid is going away for a month I can go back to not eating. I have felt fat since she showed up. I need to spend the next 30 days starving myself on purpose. Drop five or ten pounds.
Driving her home in an hour. Then coming home to do some work. No show tonight which will be nice. I can relax. Spend four or five hours working, then go to bed. I am looking forward to that.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Y2 D331
Head is pounding this morning but it was worth it. Got in around 1:30 last night with the kid in tow. I gave her a new experience last night. She went to her first club in the city and had a blast. Let's review the whole day, shall we?
Got up and started in on one client's stuff. Was a bunch of back and forth with passwords needed, box names, etc. As a result I spent some time just hanging out with the kid in the morning watching more Twin Peaks. She is halfway through now. Only 15 episodes to go.
I had a third round of interviews with the company in the city at 3:30. We headed out around 2 to catch the train as the plan was for me to go to the interviews while she did some shopping and then we would meet up and do dinner. If she was up to it, we would then head over to the club where my friend DJs on Thursday nights. I could she wanted to go, but didn't want to go with just me. I decided to take care of that like I always do.
The interviews went well. Well enough that if they come back with an offer, I will probably accept. I will tell my current bosses about it, but they are going to have put some things on the table for me to stay. Right now I am leaning towards taking the new job. Same place every day, slightly more money which would allow me some breathing room, and the chance to make connections. All of these things are important to me at my stage of life.
After finishing the interviews, the kid and I wandered around the city and then hit one of the big malls. We had fun playing with sales clerks at Neiman Marcus. I was kind of pissy at one point because I saw this sportcoat that I would have LOVED to have been able to buy. I was upset because just a few short years ago, I WOULD have bought it without thinking. It was $2100 and I looked fucking good. DAMN good. But not these days. No can do. Whatever.
While we were shopping I was texting some people to join us. I ended up getting three other people to meet us at the club at 9:30. This made the kid excited.
We ended up at this great restaurant for dinner. Nothing fancy and not too expensive but we enjoyed it. We sat there killing time and wandered over to the club around 9ish. Everyone showed up right on time too which was nice. Me, the kid, and three of my friends who sadly are all closer in age to the kid. I felt a little weird about that, but who cares. We got into the club for free thank you very much and I ended up hanging out with the DJ while they went off and danced. I have never seen the kid so carefree and goofy. She had a blast. Felt pretty damn good about the fact that I could go to a club with my own kid and we both have a good time. Weird, but good.
Since I wasn't dancing and everyone else at the club was way too young, I drank. Overpriced but very strong gin and tonics. We left the club around 1 with one of my friends and here we are. Not enough work done yesterday, headache, and need to figure out how to move some money; but overall? Still happy.
Got up and started in on one client's stuff. Was a bunch of back and forth with passwords needed, box names, etc. As a result I spent some time just hanging out with the kid in the morning watching more Twin Peaks. She is halfway through now. Only 15 episodes to go.
I had a third round of interviews with the company in the city at 3:30. We headed out around 2 to catch the train as the plan was for me to go to the interviews while she did some shopping and then we would meet up and do dinner. If she was up to it, we would then head over to the club where my friend DJs on Thursday nights. I could she wanted to go, but didn't want to go with just me. I decided to take care of that like I always do.
The interviews went well. Well enough that if they come back with an offer, I will probably accept. I will tell my current bosses about it, but they are going to have put some things on the table for me to stay. Right now I am leaning towards taking the new job. Same place every day, slightly more money which would allow me some breathing room, and the chance to make connections. All of these things are important to me at my stage of life.
After finishing the interviews, the kid and I wandered around the city and then hit one of the big malls. We had fun playing with sales clerks at Neiman Marcus. I was kind of pissy at one point because I saw this sportcoat that I would have LOVED to have been able to buy. I was upset because just a few short years ago, I WOULD have bought it without thinking. It was $2100 and I looked fucking good. DAMN good. But not these days. No can do. Whatever.
While we were shopping I was texting some people to join us. I ended up getting three other people to meet us at the club at 9:30. This made the kid excited.
We ended up at this great restaurant for dinner. Nothing fancy and not too expensive but we enjoyed it. We sat there killing time and wandered over to the club around 9ish. Everyone showed up right on time too which was nice. Me, the kid, and three of my friends who sadly are all closer in age to the kid. I felt a little weird about that, but who cares. We got into the club for free thank you very much and I ended up hanging out with the DJ while they went off and danced. I have never seen the kid so carefree and goofy. She had a blast. Felt pretty damn good about the fact that I could go to a club with my own kid and we both have a good time. Weird, but good.
Since I wasn't dancing and everyone else at the club was way too young, I drank. Overpriced but very strong gin and tonics. We left the club around 1 with one of my friends and here we are. Not enough work done yesterday, headache, and need to figure out how to move some money; but overall? Still happy.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Y2 D330
Little over a month to go and this year will end with a whimper and not a bang. Story of my life.
Spent the day in the house working yesterday. Have three different clients right now and I was trying to finish one, but hit a huge roadblock. I ended up having to seek assistance from one of my co-workers. Even he got stuck and I haven't heard back from him yet.
I was thinking more about the new job. While the money may be the same, it would be so nice to have a normal job again where I go to the same place, where I don't get emails at 11:30pm from sales people, and where I know what I would be doing all day. I know the simple truth, I will get bored with it after a year or two, but I can make a decision about things then.
The kid went shopping with grandma yesterday for dresses. She may have found one. The store didn't have her size, but they are looking this morning to see if they can order one in time for her. If not, she needs to keep looking. We are going to the city today and she is going to shop while I am in round three of interviews.
Made fish tacos for dinner and we watched three more episodes of Twin Peaks. We have 19 more to go, and there is no way we can finish before I drive her back on Saturday morning, but I will save the show in my queue for her. Hopefully it will still be available when she is back in June.
That's it. That was our exciting Wednesday. It's month 7 of no intimacy for me. I am very lonely. I am starting to go a little nuts on that, but what else is new?
Spent the day in the house working yesterday. Have three different clients right now and I was trying to finish one, but hit a huge roadblock. I ended up having to seek assistance from one of my co-workers. Even he got stuck and I haven't heard back from him yet.
I was thinking more about the new job. While the money may be the same, it would be so nice to have a normal job again where I go to the same place, where I don't get emails at 11:30pm from sales people, and where I know what I would be doing all day. I know the simple truth, I will get bored with it after a year or two, but I can make a decision about things then.
The kid went shopping with grandma yesterday for dresses. She may have found one. The store didn't have her size, but they are looking this morning to see if they can order one in time for her. If not, she needs to keep looking. We are going to the city today and she is going to shop while I am in round three of interviews.
Made fish tacos for dinner and we watched three more episodes of Twin Peaks. We have 19 more to go, and there is no way we can finish before I drive her back on Saturday morning, but I will save the show in my queue for her. Hopefully it will still be available when she is back in June.
That's it. That was our exciting Wednesday. It's month 7 of no intimacy for me. I am very lonely. I am starting to go a little nuts on that, but what else is new?
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Y2 D329
Busy busy day yesterday but I was able to push one thing off until this morning. Biggest issue yesterday was the stupid bank. I have some things that still go out through bill pay directly from the bank. Most stuff I pay on the payee's site directly, but there are three bills left that I let the bank send out. The other day I got an email saying one of my payments had been rejected by the payee. This was an account that had been set up and established for quite a while too. I called the bank and they said something might have changed. Um, ok. So I called the payee and they confirmed that nothing changed. Called the bank back and we all figured it was a glitch in the system and we would just send the payment again.
Yesterday morning I get up and this time TWO have been rejected. The second one was the kid's life insurance policy and the original one from the other day. Now I know it's something on the bank's side. I spend an hour on the phone with the bank trying to get to the bottom of everything. In the end I have to call the payees and take care of everything manually. It was frustrating and annoying. I still have one more to pay tomorrow, but hopefully the bank will figure things out before next month's payment.
During the rest of the day I worked on some reports for the main client. The kid went out shopping with grandma. Poor kid. She is shopping for a prom dress and I could tell when she got home she wasn't happy. Grandma first off doesn't get that in this area the proms were all a month ago and there are no dresses left (the kid's area is behind). Second, she took her to places where the chance of finding dresses anyway is slim to none.
Step in dad. I took her to the good mall last night and let her 'pre-shop'. Her and grandma are going back today to try and find something, but now they don't have to waste time because we already looked in the majority of the stores. She can hit one store, be done, and move on.
It was nice hanging out with her like that. I feel very honored that my teenage daughter enjoys spending time with me. We came home, had dinner, and watched three more episodes of Twin Peaks. 8 down, 20 to go.
Yesterday morning I get up and this time TWO have been rejected. The second one was the kid's life insurance policy and the original one from the other day. Now I know it's something on the bank's side. I spend an hour on the phone with the bank trying to get to the bottom of everything. In the end I have to call the payees and take care of everything manually. It was frustrating and annoying. I still have one more to pay tomorrow, but hopefully the bank will figure things out before next month's payment.
During the rest of the day I worked on some reports for the main client. The kid went out shopping with grandma. Poor kid. She is shopping for a prom dress and I could tell when she got home she wasn't happy. Grandma first off doesn't get that in this area the proms were all a month ago and there are no dresses left (the kid's area is behind). Second, she took her to places where the chance of finding dresses anyway is slim to none.
Step in dad. I took her to the good mall last night and let her 'pre-shop'. Her and grandma are going back today to try and find something, but now they don't have to waste time because we already looked in the majority of the stores. She can hit one store, be done, and move on.
It was nice hanging out with her like that. I feel very honored that my teenage daughter enjoys spending time with me. We came home, had dinner, and watched three more episodes of Twin Peaks. 8 down, 20 to go.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Y2 D328
I am really disliking my job right now. I have another interview Thursday and depending on how things progress between now and then, I may just take it. It would be a major upheaval and life change, but I just can't keep going on like I am. I am tired of the random emails at midnight, the inconsistency of work schedule, the promise of money that never appears, the pulling in nine different directions, and the blatant disregard for any semblance of a life I may try to have.
Spent the day yesterday waiting, then working, then waiting, then working, then getting pulled one way then another. Tired of it. I was supposed to be in a training class today but that got bumped because a client yelled WE NEED HIM. So I drop everything only for them to come back and say, yeah legal is still looking things over, maybe Wednesday or Thursday? Gosh, okay, let's pile a shit ton on him in the meantime. I have been sitting for weeks and now the kid is here they do this? Fuckers.
Played Fluxx with the kid last night. She got into it and beat me three out of four times. Then we had some dinner and watched House. It is nice to have her around. I can't wait until she is moved in though and has her own friends. I still have the guilt of wanting to entertain her even though I know I don't need to anymore. Just how I feel. I feel like she should have something to do while she is here and since she doesn't have a circle of friends yet it falls on me.
I am rambling. Too much in my head this morning.
Spent the day yesterday waiting, then working, then waiting, then working, then getting pulled one way then another. Tired of it. I was supposed to be in a training class today but that got bumped because a client yelled WE NEED HIM. So I drop everything only for them to come back and say, yeah legal is still looking things over, maybe Wednesday or Thursday? Gosh, okay, let's pile a shit ton on him in the meantime. I have been sitting for weeks and now the kid is here they do this? Fuckers.
Played Fluxx with the kid last night. She got into it and beat me three out of four times. Then we had some dinner and watched House. It is nice to have her around. I can't wait until she is moved in though and has her own friends. I still have the guilt of wanting to entertain her even though I know I don't need to anymore. Just how I feel. I feel like she should have something to do while she is here and since she doesn't have a circle of friends yet it falls on me.
I am rambling. Too much in my head this morning.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Y2 D327
Good slow moving Sunday. We got up around 8 something after going to bed at 4. Both of us found it amusing that even with being up and out as late as we were, we will managed to get up on Sunday morning before many other people. We bummed around until almost noon and then headed downtown to go this one vintage shop. Turns out it was less vintage and more used, but it got us out, we went for a nice walk downtown, had a light sushi lunch, and then dropped props off at my co-head's house.
When we got home I got the kid hooked on something. I can't believe it's been 21 years since it was first on the air, but all of Twin Peaks was available on Netflix streaming. I made the kid watch the first episode, all 93 minutes of it, and she was hooked. We ended up watching two more episodes. I made us some nice chicken for dinner, basically a repeat of Saturday night since we had some leftovers.
I must say, I enjoy cooking for two more than one. BUT I also notice I eat when she is here. I need to be careful as I will slip back into eating too much. I refuse to ever be fat again.
She started getting tired around 8:30 as the length of the weekend starting catching up with her. We both were in bed before 10. That's it; our Sunday. It was good.
I told you having her here would push me back to sanity and closer to normalcy. She does it to me every time. I can't wait until June.
When we got home I got the kid hooked on something. I can't believe it's been 21 years since it was first on the air, but all of Twin Peaks was available on Netflix streaming. I made the kid watch the first episode, all 93 minutes of it, and she was hooked. We ended up watching two more episodes. I made us some nice chicken for dinner, basically a repeat of Saturday night since we had some leftovers.
I must say, I enjoy cooking for two more than one. BUT I also notice I eat when she is here. I need to be careful as I will slip back into eating too much. I refuse to ever be fat again.
She started getting tired around 8:30 as the length of the weekend starting catching up with her. We both were in bed before 10. That's it; our Sunday. It was good.
I told you having her here would push me back to sanity and closer to normalcy. She does it to me every time. I can't wait until June.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Y2 D326
Long ass day yesterday. Left around 5:40 to pick up the kid. Got back around 10:30. I love having her here. I can't wait until it's permanent. Not just because I love my daughter, but because of how much it helps my sanity. It's so nice having someone else in the house to talk to instead of being alone. Makes me feel much more connected to the world.
She brought some of her stuff that will be staying for good included five boxes of books, winter clothes, and her sewing machine. We spent most of the afternoon putting everything away and getting her room setup. Before you knew it the afternoon had fled by and it was like 3pm. We then made Peep Sushi for the cast last night. Everyone LOVED it. Using rice krispie squares, peeps, and fruit rollups, we made an entire platter of sushi pieces of different styles and shapes. There's a pic on Facebook, but I will dump one from the camera today and share here too.
After that I made some nice chicken breasts, mac & cheese, and sliced tomatoes for dinner. We ate while watching this movie called 'Suck'. AWESOME MOVIE. With Alice Cooper, Iggy Pop, Henry Rollins, and Moby it was great. A fun little comedy that didn't try too hard and ended up being hilarious. We laughed while eating. It was great.
Then we both got ready and headed off to the show around 9ish. Everyone was so excited to see the kid and to learn this was her first official night on cast. We had a good night from a technical standpoint. Not so great night audience wise. Spring break is still in affect here and we had 40 people in the audience. Not good. We need 120 to make our numbers. Our directors weren't happy and they know they really can't blame us for this, but...
Went for pie after the show and the kid was happy to have actually done something at a show instead of just sitting. Got home around 4, and got up about 1/2 hour ago.
Today is movie and television and video game today. A relaxing Sunday with the kiddo.
She brought some of her stuff that will be staying for good included five boxes of books, winter clothes, and her sewing machine. We spent most of the afternoon putting everything away and getting her room setup. Before you knew it the afternoon had fled by and it was like 3pm. We then made Peep Sushi for the cast last night. Everyone LOVED it. Using rice krispie squares, peeps, and fruit rollups, we made an entire platter of sushi pieces of different styles and shapes. There's a pic on Facebook, but I will dump one from the camera today and share here too.
After that I made some nice chicken breasts, mac & cheese, and sliced tomatoes for dinner. We ate while watching this movie called 'Suck'. AWESOME MOVIE. With Alice Cooper, Iggy Pop, Henry Rollins, and Moby it was great. A fun little comedy that didn't try too hard and ended up being hilarious. We laughed while eating. It was great.
Then we both got ready and headed off to the show around 9ish. Everyone was so excited to see the kid and to learn this was her first official night on cast. We had a good night from a technical standpoint. Not so great night audience wise. Spring break is still in affect here and we had 40 people in the audience. Not good. We need 120 to make our numbers. Our directors weren't happy and they know they really can't blame us for this, but...
Went for pie after the show and the kid was happy to have actually done something at a show instead of just sitting. Got home around 4, and got up about 1/2 hour ago.
Today is movie and television and video game today. A relaxing Sunday with the kiddo.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Y2 D325
I have to admit, it's nice to wake up on a Saturday morning without a headache, without freaking out, without panic, without stressing that I made mistakes. Makes getting up in the morning a much more pleasant process.
I had an on and then off kind of day yesterday for work. I went to get stuff done in the morning only to find the client's servers were all down. Not just a quick reboot situation either, all their environments had gone down during the night thanks to the IT folks not caring and doing patches out of order. They had the order in which certain boxes need to come back on line but they decided to ignore that and do it whatever way they wanted. End result? Most of the day was spent with servers down. Nice.
I had a conference call with the VP who wanted to know when his reports would be ready. I politely told him when his people decided to get the servers back online. This was at 11, the servers came back up around 2. In the in between I sat and waited refreshing the screen. Fun fun.
Around 10:30 my tax guy stopped by with my tax forms. I signed and placed in the mail. It is now a done deal. It is what it is.
I decided to go run some errands while I waited for the servers to come back up. I went and test drove a car. Yes, that's right, I am still on that. If I pick the right car this time, I can save upwards of $1200 a year. That's the estimated savings in monthly payment, gas, and insurance. I went and drove the Kia Optima EX. I was VERY surprised at how nice it was. The one I drove had everything including a navigation system which is not something I am really interested in, but it was there. The difference without it is about $2k, but I also lose the decent stereo system. I think I would probably just leave it in. The car as equipped was 27k which isn't bad. I swear I felt like I was driving the Mercedes again. It was that comfortable. Heated and cooled seats, ample leg room, good response. They have come a long way. I am still going to drive the Fusion and the Passat as comparison points though.
Got back home, finished the client's reports and then hit the grocery store. I needed to stock up for the kid being here this week. It's not bad; $135 in groceries which realistically will last me two weeks if not longer. Some of that was silly stuff to have just for her, but mostly it was staples which will be here even after she is gone.
I also got a phone call from my bosses. Seems my local client wants me back again next week. Nice. This means I don't have to stress on my commute next week while the kid is here AND I finally get out of the house again.
For dinner, I made some ground lamb and stuffed it into pita pockets with cucumber, hummus, and a little yogurt. Pretty damn tasty. Had that with some orzo and feta. Watched Fight Club, because I could thank you very much, and went to bed. I am now out of here in 45 to pick up the kid. Show tonight. Good weekend I am feeling. Wow, now I am talking like Yoda...
I had an on and then off kind of day yesterday for work. I went to get stuff done in the morning only to find the client's servers were all down. Not just a quick reboot situation either, all their environments had gone down during the night thanks to the IT folks not caring and doing patches out of order. They had the order in which certain boxes need to come back on line but they decided to ignore that and do it whatever way they wanted. End result? Most of the day was spent with servers down. Nice.
I had a conference call with the VP who wanted to know when his reports would be ready. I politely told him when his people decided to get the servers back online. This was at 11, the servers came back up around 2. In the in between I sat and waited refreshing the screen. Fun fun.
Around 10:30 my tax guy stopped by with my tax forms. I signed and placed in the mail. It is now a done deal. It is what it is.
I decided to go run some errands while I waited for the servers to come back up. I went and test drove a car. Yes, that's right, I am still on that. If I pick the right car this time, I can save upwards of $1200 a year. That's the estimated savings in monthly payment, gas, and insurance. I went and drove the Kia Optima EX. I was VERY surprised at how nice it was. The one I drove had everything including a navigation system which is not something I am really interested in, but it was there. The difference without it is about $2k, but I also lose the decent stereo system. I think I would probably just leave it in. The car as equipped was 27k which isn't bad. I swear I felt like I was driving the Mercedes again. It was that comfortable. Heated and cooled seats, ample leg room, good response. They have come a long way. I am still going to drive the Fusion and the Passat as comparison points though.
Got back home, finished the client's reports and then hit the grocery store. I needed to stock up for the kid being here this week. It's not bad; $135 in groceries which realistically will last me two weeks if not longer. Some of that was silly stuff to have just for her, but mostly it was staples which will be here even after she is gone.
I also got a phone call from my bosses. Seems my local client wants me back again next week. Nice. This means I don't have to stress on my commute next week while the kid is here AND I finally get out of the house again.
For dinner, I made some ground lamb and stuffed it into pita pockets with cucumber, hummus, and a little yogurt. Pretty damn tasty. Had that with some orzo and feta. Watched Fight Club, because I could thank you very much, and went to bed. I am now out of here in 45 to pick up the kid. Show tonight. Good weekend I am feeling. Wow, now I am talking like Yoda...
Friday, April 15, 2011
Y2 D324
I don't know what it is about cleaning on Thursdays, but I thoroughly enjoy it. I used to go out and drink like a madman and party on Thursdays, now I do laundry and clean the house. Better for my pocketbook and definitely better for my health and sanity. Even I can't dispute that. Not as good for my love or sex life, but those things will come, RIGHT? But the cleaning part is definitely more satisfying as now I have one less thing to do over the weekend. The house is moderately clean (I focused on laundry and the animals yesterday) and I just have to do a light cleaning today. The kid will be with me all week for spring break and I don't want to worry about cleaning house while she is here. I also cleaned her closet out in prep of her 'permanent' arrival. I had a good talk with her last night about how much I want her to contribute to the household when she moves in. We figured it out and she should be giving me between $150 and $200 a month. We both felt this was fair and I won't ride her for it until she is able to land a job.
I got about 90% complete on the reports I needed to have done today. Technically I have until today so I am hoping to finish them up this morning and be able to put them into UAT before noon. That's the goal and I should be able to hit it. I am not sure of the quality of data or if things are 100% but at least I will have it in front of the client as planned.
The director from the company I interviewed with called me yesterday. I was right, they loved me more than I loved them. I was able to ask some more of my questions, but I still didn't get a really good feeling about them. I am still on the fence. If they were offering significantly more money then I could make the decision easier. But they're not. Maybe if I turn them down they will come back with more? They want me to meet with some of the executives next week. I can do that. I can see if that makes me feel any better. I doubt it will, but it's good to see these things through.
That's about it. Made a grilled cheese and pancetta sandwich for dinner, played lego star wars, went to bed. Another day.
I got about 90% complete on the reports I needed to have done today. Technically I have until today so I am hoping to finish them up this morning and be able to put them into UAT before noon. That's the goal and I should be able to hit it. I am not sure of the quality of data or if things are 100% but at least I will have it in front of the client as planned.
The director from the company I interviewed with called me yesterday. I was right, they loved me more than I loved them. I was able to ask some more of my questions, but I still didn't get a really good feeling about them. I am still on the fence. If they were offering significantly more money then I could make the decision easier. But they're not. Maybe if I turn them down they will come back with more? They want me to meet with some of the executives next week. I can do that. I can see if that makes me feel any better. I doubt it will, but it's good to see these things through.
That's about it. Made a grilled cheese and pancetta sandwich for dinner, played lego star wars, went to bed. Another day.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Y2 D323
42 days to go and I will have survived two years. Need to survive the month first. Yesterday morning as I was typing I was also checking my bank balance. I have that shit to the wire right now. I just have to make it what, 15? 16? hours and I will be good. But it's close kids.
Yesterday was let's say interesting. I didn't do anything of any excitement; another day in the house working but at least I had work to do. I did get a phone call from a recruiter (actually 4 but only one was worth talking about). He wanted to place me in a FTE position at my current client. I thought that was amusing. I told my boss about it. He too found it amusing. Sorry, but this is one of those clients where unless they offered me gold on a platter every week, I wouldn't work for them full time. Commute withstanding, the environment just isn't for me.
No, the interesting part of yesterday was how I helped a few people. What is it about me that draws people to seek my advice or comfort? I feel like I am falling apart most of the time, yet for some reason people turn to me for support and guidance. I found myself talking not one, not two, but four people yesterday down from the wall. Odd. On one hand I am not complaining as for every one of them I give advice to on the merits of staying alive, I am also giving myself the same advice. In that respect it helps me out. On the other hand, it's exhausting and can make me more depressed. I have to be positive and upbeat to keep them off the ledge while at the same time one part of me wants to say 'Yeah, life does suck. Jump'. Which I won't do.
Back to the grind today. I might be able to finish up what I need to finish up for this client today if all goes well. Make it through the day - that's my goal.
Yesterday was let's say interesting. I didn't do anything of any excitement; another day in the house working but at least I had work to do. I did get a phone call from a recruiter (actually 4 but only one was worth talking about). He wanted to place me in a FTE position at my current client. I thought that was amusing. I told my boss about it. He too found it amusing. Sorry, but this is one of those clients where unless they offered me gold on a platter every week, I wouldn't work for them full time. Commute withstanding, the environment just isn't for me.
No, the interesting part of yesterday was how I helped a few people. What is it about me that draws people to seek my advice or comfort? I feel like I am falling apart most of the time, yet for some reason people turn to me for support and guidance. I found myself talking not one, not two, but four people yesterday down from the wall. Odd. On one hand I am not complaining as for every one of them I give advice to on the merits of staying alive, I am also giving myself the same advice. In that respect it helps me out. On the other hand, it's exhausting and can make me more depressed. I have to be positive and upbeat to keep them off the ledge while at the same time one part of me wants to say 'Yeah, life does suck. Jump'. Which I won't do.
Back to the grind today. I might be able to finish up what I need to finish up for this client today if all goes well. Make it through the day - that's my goal.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Y2 D322
Yesterday I was talking with X2's sister. Yes, we still communicate. I don't abandon people remember? Just because I don't like her sister doesn't mean I should throw the rest of the family away. I am not like her or X1. Anyway, she is having a rough time of it right now too and I was trying to help her. While I was talking (chatting online technically), I realized the things I was saying were not only for her, but they were for me too. It made me realize that whether I like it or not, another day is going to come. Another morning is going to be here and the same things that were here last night are still going to be here today. I can choose to either deal with them or hide my head in the sand or take the coward's way out. It really doesn't matter to the universe. It's going to keep going regardless of how I feel about it. With or without me, the world will keep moving forward. As I was telling her that yes, life does suck, and yes, the universe will shit on you regularly, it's how we handle it that makes us who we are, that these are the things I needed to hear myself. It made me remember that I choose to be a self pitying dumbass or someone who recognizes that life sucks and I move on.
(Yes, I am manic depressive, we know this already kids, let's not act surprised about the things we already know, okay?)
Anyway, in the end, while I hoped I helped her to some extent, I know it helped me. It made me remember why I get up in the morning regardless if I want to get up or not. It's because there are people who need me, like me, and genuinely care about me. It's because I have things to accomplish; maybe not today or tomorrow, but at some point. It's because I am the best there is goddammit and these little bumps in life are just that - little bumps. As long as I have friends to talk to, a roof over my head, and a child who needs me, I need to here. I need to keep on truckin'.
Spent the day working on the client's stuff, sporadically throughout the day, but I worked on his stuff. I actually did get a compliment from him. He is a tough client and the fact that he acknowledged what I have been doing with 'Thank you, very nice work' may not seem like a lot, but it made my day. Simple pleasures, small victories. It's all we can hope for right now.
After that, I played a little Lego Star Wars (67.8% complete), had some dinner (fried egg sammie), and went to bed. And guess what? The morning has come whether I wanted it to or not. In all its glory here it is. It's already spit in my face (more on that tomorrow), but whatever. I wipe the spit off and move forward.
(Yes, I am manic depressive, we know this already kids, let's not act surprised about the things we already know, okay?)
Anyway, in the end, while I hoped I helped her to some extent, I know it helped me. It made me remember why I get up in the morning regardless if I want to get up or not. It's because there are people who need me, like me, and genuinely care about me. It's because I have things to accomplish; maybe not today or tomorrow, but at some point. It's because I am the best there is goddammit and these little bumps in life are just that - little bumps. As long as I have friends to talk to, a roof over my head, and a child who needs me, I need to here. I need to keep on truckin'.
Spent the day working on the client's stuff, sporadically throughout the day, but I worked on his stuff. I actually did get a compliment from him. He is a tough client and the fact that he acknowledged what I have been doing with 'Thank you, very nice work' may not seem like a lot, but it made my day. Simple pleasures, small victories. It's all we can hope for right now.
After that, I played a little Lego Star Wars (67.8% complete), had some dinner (fried egg sammie), and went to bed. And guess what? The morning has come whether I wanted it to or not. In all its glory here it is. It's already spit in my face (more on that tomorrow), but whatever. I wipe the spit off and move forward.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Y2 D321
I have a lot to say today so please bear with me. Feel free to skim, but I need to get all this out and on 'paper'.
First off, thanks to everyone of you who called, emailed, or texted me yesterday. Your support and love means more to me than you will ever know. It truly shows me who is out there thinking about me and who truly cares. Without you, I would honestly never make it through these things. You give me courage and hope that there are things worth fighting for and that I don't have to do this alone. Thank you.
Now, on a slightly different note -- I need to make it clear that this blog and its writings are my 'personal' space. It's the one place where I can dump without burdening other people. I don't know who is actually reading this and with what regularity. I don't do stats on it any more because I don't care. This is for *me*. It's the one place where I can be truly honest and get all the dark parts out into the light. I am a firm believer that if something is eating you up inside, let it out. If you let it out it loses its power over you. Therefore, I dump. All the nastiness from the prior 24 hours gets dumped, right here. In one heaping pile.
I do this so that I don't have to burden you my friends. I do this so that I can expunge these things from my system without taxing our friendship. This is my therapist. This is my bartender. It is my catharsis. I don't ask any of you for anything any more because I know it's too much. It's hard banging your head against some mad brother's wall. I get it. So let me dump. Check in on me, ask me if I still functioning, but let me dump. Yes, this is the dark side. But I have cookies...
On that note, what is crushing me right now is the over whelming flaming pile of shit I am looking at. It isn't JUST the 16k. It's when you add that to everything else I am now around 115k in debt. I am looking at an ENDLESS mountain of debt right now. There is NO WAY in my lifetime at my current rate of EVER being out of debt. EVER. That's in part thanks to outrageous interest, and only being able to make minimum payments. Any steps I could take to reduce it would be minuscule at best and in some ways leave me in a worse mental state.
See, even if I were to liquidate the meager things I do have left, the amount I would get on the open market would reduce my debt by 3% maybe 5%. Which would still leave me with everything, and at the same time depress me further as I would truly have nothing. Which is why I am not in the position to fule bankruptcy. This was my dad's answer. I don't know if any of you have ever been through it, but from the research I have done and the people I have spoken to about it, it is a last chance choice. You have to make SEVERE lifestyle changes and get rid of any assets regardless of how poorly you will fair open market. Once you have done that, then you can negotiate reduced (reduced, not eliminated) debt settlements. The debt doesn't go away, it simply is reduced. In the end even if I were to reduce it by 50% thanks to bankruptcy, the emotional toil of losing everything would be worse for my psyche than just soldiering on. I have eliminated many things in the last six months to increase my cash flow. I was on track. With the exception of one or two bad nights, I have been working my ASS off these last six months to be positive, make good choices, look for better work, etc. And what do I get in return? The universe shits on me. I blame no one but myself so I am not looking for a scapegoat or to be in anyway a martyr. Worse, I am being pragmatic and a realist and it sucks.
Here's the other advice I received in the last 24 hours -- be selfish, move, change jobs, etc. Guess what? No can do. I will NOT have my daughter think she has two parents who have abandoned her. I will NOT be X1. I will not put my needs ahead of the kid's right now. In another year or so, when this lease is up and she is ready to move in with a roommate or whatever, then I will consider this option. I will sell off some furniture, some other stuff, and make some hard life choices in terms of where I live and work. Also, I am WAY too responsible to do anything permanent to myself. I will not let the kid down. I will not walk out on her. Until then, let me ramble. Let me deal with things the best way I know how.
That's the bottom line. I am frustrated and it sucks. So I dump. Nietzsche said: “The thought of suicide is a powerful solace: by means of it one gets through many a bad night”. I truly believe this. Because any time I THINK about doing it, I THINK of 100,000 reasons not to do it. But that's what gives me strength to keep going. I don't expect many of you to understand that. It's not an easy concept to grasp. I also like what Richard Bach has to say on the same subject:
“Anyone desperate enough for suicide...should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try.”
He's right you know. It can be a powerful motivator. If I am willing to die, then I should be willing to take chances and push it to the limit.
That's enough of all that for now. In other news, I got up yesterday and drove for over an hour one way, sat for two hours, went to a 20 minute meeting, then drove back for 90 minutes. That did wonders for my mood. I also had NO hot water until 5pm and NO WATER AT ALL from 12-5. On the positive side, the rental office did call me and is giving me either $50 off my rent next month or a $50 gift card if they can get it approved. Sometimes being the squeaky wheel pays off. I went to a birthday party last night and was able to shake off the remaining malaise. Being around people helps.
That's something else that's hard for you to understand. I have been working from home A LOT lately. I have had NO human contact 2, 3, even 4 days at a time. Those of you who go off to offices or school or whatever can't grasp that. Go try it -- spend FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT alone and see how much the weight of the world gets on you.
Thanks for listening.
First off, thanks to everyone of you who called, emailed, or texted me yesterday. Your support and love means more to me than you will ever know. It truly shows me who is out there thinking about me and who truly cares. Without you, I would honestly never make it through these things. You give me courage and hope that there are things worth fighting for and that I don't have to do this alone. Thank you.
Now, on a slightly different note -- I need to make it clear that this blog and its writings are my 'personal' space. It's the one place where I can dump without burdening other people. I don't know who is actually reading this and with what regularity. I don't do stats on it any more because I don't care. This is for *me*. It's the one place where I can be truly honest and get all the dark parts out into the light. I am a firm believer that if something is eating you up inside, let it out. If you let it out it loses its power over you. Therefore, I dump. All the nastiness from the prior 24 hours gets dumped, right here. In one heaping pile.
I do this so that I don't have to burden you my friends. I do this so that I can expunge these things from my system without taxing our friendship. This is my therapist. This is my bartender. It is my catharsis. I don't ask any of you for anything any more because I know it's too much. It's hard banging your head against some mad brother's wall. I get it. So let me dump. Check in on me, ask me if I still functioning, but let me dump. Yes, this is the dark side. But I have cookies...
On that note, what is crushing me right now is the over whelming flaming pile of shit I am looking at. It isn't JUST the 16k. It's when you add that to everything else I am now around 115k in debt. I am looking at an ENDLESS mountain of debt right now. There is NO WAY in my lifetime at my current rate of EVER being out of debt. EVER. That's in part thanks to outrageous interest, and only being able to make minimum payments. Any steps I could take to reduce it would be minuscule at best and in some ways leave me in a worse mental state.
See, even if I were to liquidate the meager things I do have left, the amount I would get on the open market would reduce my debt by 3% maybe 5%. Which would still leave me with everything, and at the same time depress me further as I would truly have nothing. Which is why I am not in the position to fule bankruptcy. This was my dad's answer. I don't know if any of you have ever been through it, but from the research I have done and the people I have spoken to about it, it is a last chance choice. You have to make SEVERE lifestyle changes and get rid of any assets regardless of how poorly you will fair open market. Once you have done that, then you can negotiate reduced (reduced, not eliminated) debt settlements. The debt doesn't go away, it simply is reduced. In the end even if I were to reduce it by 50% thanks to bankruptcy, the emotional toil of losing everything would be worse for my psyche than just soldiering on. I have eliminated many things in the last six months to increase my cash flow. I was on track. With the exception of one or two bad nights, I have been working my ASS off these last six months to be positive, make good choices, look for better work, etc. And what do I get in return? The universe shits on me. I blame no one but myself so I am not looking for a scapegoat or to be in anyway a martyr. Worse, I am being pragmatic and a realist and it sucks.
Here's the other advice I received in the last 24 hours -- be selfish, move, change jobs, etc. Guess what? No can do. I will NOT have my daughter think she has two parents who have abandoned her. I will NOT be X1. I will not put my needs ahead of the kid's right now. In another year or so, when this lease is up and she is ready to move in with a roommate or whatever, then I will consider this option. I will sell off some furniture, some other stuff, and make some hard life choices in terms of where I live and work. Also, I am WAY too responsible to do anything permanent to myself. I will not let the kid down. I will not walk out on her. Until then, let me ramble. Let me deal with things the best way I know how.
That's the bottom line. I am frustrated and it sucks. So I dump. Nietzsche said: “The thought of suicide is a powerful solace: by means of it one gets through many a bad night”. I truly believe this. Because any time I THINK about doing it, I THINK of 100,000 reasons not to do it. But that's what gives me strength to keep going. I don't expect many of you to understand that. It's not an easy concept to grasp. I also like what Richard Bach has to say on the same subject:
“Anyone desperate enough for suicide...should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try.”
He's right you know. It can be a powerful motivator. If I am willing to die, then I should be willing to take chances and push it to the limit.
That's enough of all that for now. In other news, I got up yesterday and drove for over an hour one way, sat for two hours, went to a 20 minute meeting, then drove back for 90 minutes. That did wonders for my mood. I also had NO hot water until 5pm and NO WATER AT ALL from 12-5. On the positive side, the rental office did call me and is giving me either $50 off my rent next month or a $50 gift card if they can get it approved. Sometimes being the squeaky wheel pays off. I went to a birthday party last night and was able to shake off the remaining malaise. Being around people helps.
That's something else that's hard for you to understand. I have been working from home A LOT lately. I have had NO human contact 2, 3, even 4 days at a time. Those of you who go off to offices or school or whatever can't grasp that. Go try it -- spend FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT alone and see how much the weight of the world gets on you.
Thanks for listening.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Y2 D320
I cried until I passed out last night. No, I didn't cry myself to sleep, I cried until my body was too wracked from exhaustion and I just passed out.
I was having such a good day too. Even without hot water for yet another day. I still have no hot water. I have to go to take a cold shower, no puns intended. That is, I was having a good day until about 8pm. That's when I got the email from my accountant regarding 2010 taxes.
Congratulations world, you win. I fucking lose again. I owe 14,464 to both the state and federal governments. Add to this last year's due and I now owe over 16,000 to the government. I can't catch a fucking break ever can I?
I am out of options.
I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
I am going to start packing things up and throwing things away. I don't want the kid to have to deal with anything more than she needs to deal with when the time comes. I don't know what else to do.
I have never felt so low, so despondent, or so without hope. I will never get out of this hole. It's just not worth it any more.
I was having such a good day too. Even without hot water for yet another day. I still have no hot water. I have to go to take a cold shower, no puns intended. That is, I was having a good day until about 8pm. That's when I got the email from my accountant regarding 2010 taxes.
Congratulations world, you win. I fucking lose again. I owe 14,464 to both the state and federal governments. Add to this last year's due and I now owe over 16,000 to the government. I can't catch a fucking break ever can I?
I am out of options.
I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
I am going to start packing things up and throwing things away. I don't want the kid to have to deal with anything more than she needs to deal with when the time comes. I don't know what else to do.
I have never felt so low, so despondent, or so without hope. I will never get out of this hole. It's just not worth it any more.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Y2 D319
Not only was I home when midnight came around for the first time in six weeks last night, I was already in bed! The first saturday in over a month where I had no show nor did I have any obligations. Amazing. I still managed to have a pretty good day too.
Got up around 9 or so and proceeded to clean up from Friday night. Nothing major, just dishes mostly. Ran a load of dishes and then caught up on DVR stuff. I did this because I knew I would have to let the hot water catch back up. Funny though, when I got in the shower almost an hour later, I still had no hot water. I found out why later in the day...
Headed over to my buddy's house around noon and spent the day working on props. We worked roughly until about 5. Was a good session too We got a lot accomplished and we should be able to finish up in a couple of hours today. I have client work to do today so I can't spend the whole day working on props again. Yesterday was fun though while tiring. We had too many of us which frustrated me a little because it was too many people offering too many opinions at a couple of points. But I soldiered on and we got things done.
On the way home I got a phone call from the rental office. Turns out the water heater in my building died explaining the lack of hot water. I still have none for at least half of today. No shower for me.
Around six a friend I haven't seen in a while stopped by. He happened to be in the neighborhood and just came by to see if I wanted to go out. I told him I was better staying in as I didn't want to spend any money and was pretty tired. He understood and we sat around talking until about 10. Was nice. We just talked about this and that and caught up on things. Nothing wild or crazy.
I went to bed shortly after he left around 11:30. Good Saturday.
Got up around 9 or so and proceeded to clean up from Friday night. Nothing major, just dishes mostly. Ran a load of dishes and then caught up on DVR stuff. I did this because I knew I would have to let the hot water catch back up. Funny though, when I got in the shower almost an hour later, I still had no hot water. I found out why later in the day...
Headed over to my buddy's house around noon and spent the day working on props. We worked roughly until about 5. Was a good session too We got a lot accomplished and we should be able to finish up in a couple of hours today. I have client work to do today so I can't spend the whole day working on props again. Yesterday was fun though while tiring. We had too many of us which frustrated me a little because it was too many people offering too many opinions at a couple of points. But I soldiered on and we got things done.
On the way home I got a phone call from the rental office. Turns out the water heater in my building died explaining the lack of hot water. I still have none for at least half of today. No shower for me.
Around six a friend I haven't seen in a while stopped by. He happened to be in the neighborhood and just came by to see if I wanted to go out. I told him I was better staying in as I didn't want to spend any money and was pretty tired. He understood and we sat around talking until about 10. Was nice. We just talked about this and that and caught up on things. Nothing wild or crazy.
I went to bed shortly after he left around 11:30. Good Saturday.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Y2 D318
I got to play normal again last night!! Yay me! Same group of friends from Tuesday plus one more all came over last night for another night of game night. This time I didn't indulge in too much food or anything and was able to stay up and just have a good time until about 2:30. Start of the day was uneventful - waited for the client to fix network server issues and connectivity problems until about 1, had a conference call for a potential new client at 11, had to run to my bosses house to pick up a laptop around 3, but after that it was all about me and the peeps. Hey, I have friends I can hang out with even when it's not a show - how'd that happen? Damn.
One of the guys brought all the fixings to make cookies - oreo stuffed, chocolate chip cookies. Damn they were insane. These huge mounds of chocolate chip cookies and when you hit the center - BLAM - oreo. Neat. I made 'magic juice' which consisted of gin and TONS of fruit and cucumbers. Was really good and I have some left. They also brought wine and we ordered pizza. Safe, sane, fun, goofy get together. We laughed, played Fluxx, Apples to Apples, and then tried to play Uno but we were all too tired and happy at that point to figure out if we even wanted to play.
This kind of Friday night makes me happy. Not out of line, didn't spend a ton of money (I did pay for the pizza with my card, but only because we ordered online and everyone chipped in their part so I have the full amount of cash on me. I spent about $40 at the store for the magic juice, but also bought food for the week. Plus I have leftover pizza and salad for the next two nights. Can't say I didn't get my money's worth for once), I don't have a hangover, and I don't feel guilty about anything I did. Yet, I still managed to have human contact and have a good time. The more I can have nights like last night, the healthier I am becoming, the less I need other people to complete (meaning female companionship, but I still need to get laid), and the more I know I can survive.
THAT'S how I am supposed to live my life, right?
One of the guys brought all the fixings to make cookies - oreo stuffed, chocolate chip cookies. Damn they were insane. These huge mounds of chocolate chip cookies and when you hit the center - BLAM - oreo. Neat. I made 'magic juice' which consisted of gin and TONS of fruit and cucumbers. Was really good and I have some left. They also brought wine and we ordered pizza. Safe, sane, fun, goofy get together. We laughed, played Fluxx, Apples to Apples, and then tried to play Uno but we were all too tired and happy at that point to figure out if we even wanted to play.
This kind of Friday night makes me happy. Not out of line, didn't spend a ton of money (I did pay for the pizza with my card, but only because we ordered online and everyone chipped in their part so I have the full amount of cash on me. I spent about $40 at the store for the magic juice, but also bought food for the week. Plus I have leftover pizza and salad for the next two nights. Can't say I didn't get my money's worth for once), I don't have a hangover, and I don't feel guilty about anything I did. Yet, I still managed to have human contact and have a good time. The more I can have nights like last night, the healthier I am becoming, the less I need other people to complete (meaning female companionship, but I still need to get laid), and the more I know I can survive.
THAT'S how I am supposed to live my life, right?
Friday, April 8, 2011
Y2 D317
Ho hum. Another day at home. I swear if these days keep up I will take any job that lets me interact with other human beings on a daily basis. This is not good for my sanity, I know it. Oh wait, I didn't have any to begin with. Oh then that's ok...
Worked yesterday sort of; was waiting until six pm for the client to send over details on a file. At that point I had no interest in working. So I put it off until this morning. I will say for the record I fucking hate sales people who are overly aggressive. Our sales VP is such a douche. He is constantly sending messages at all hours expecting replies because everything is URGENT. Bite me.
Made chicken breasts with the limes for dinner. Had that with some grits and creamed corn. Was mighty tasty. Ate all of it while watching Strange Days. I must say that movie has held up quite well. Better than I expected. Whenever I have watched these movies on Netflix from my past, I have been sorely disappointed at how poorly they have held up over the years with rare exceptions. Last night was one of those exceptions. Strange Days holds on and probably has another five years to go. Who knows, in five years, some of the concepts may finally be reality.
Other than that, not much else to report. Didn't talk to J66 last night. She is busy packing and getting her shit together so I assume she is busy. There's one more lesson I learned from X2; you don't need to speak with or communicate with someone every day. Towards the end it bugged her that I would want to talk or text at the end of the day when she was on the road. I get in part that it was her, but there's also some validity to that. If someone is busy or had a long day, going a day or two without communication is not the end of the world.
Off to work on that file...
Worked yesterday sort of; was waiting until six pm for the client to send over details on a file. At that point I had no interest in working. So I put it off until this morning. I will say for the record I fucking hate sales people who are overly aggressive. Our sales VP is such a douche. He is constantly sending messages at all hours expecting replies because everything is URGENT. Bite me.
Made chicken breasts with the limes for dinner. Had that with some grits and creamed corn. Was mighty tasty. Ate all of it while watching Strange Days. I must say that movie has held up quite well. Better than I expected. Whenever I have watched these movies on Netflix from my past, I have been sorely disappointed at how poorly they have held up over the years with rare exceptions. Last night was one of those exceptions. Strange Days holds on and probably has another five years to go. Who knows, in five years, some of the concepts may finally be reality.
Other than that, not much else to report. Didn't talk to J66 last night. She is busy packing and getting her shit together so I assume she is busy. There's one more lesson I learned from X2; you don't need to speak with or communicate with someone every day. Towards the end it bugged her that I would want to talk or text at the end of the day when she was on the road. I get in part that it was her, but there's also some validity to that. If someone is busy or had a long day, going a day or two without communication is not the end of the world.
Off to work on that file...
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Y2 D316
I need a french girl. I have decided that. I like me some french women. Ok, maybe it's just french films but either way...
I watched Amelie last night. It's one of those movies I have always wanted to watch but for one reason or another never got around to it. What a sweet, wonderful, beautiful movie. I loved every minute of it. While watching it I realized I not only like french women, but I do like a lot of french films - La Femme Nikita, Wasabi, The Illusionist, Amelie, MicMacs, etc. Granted Jean Reno is in two of those and I like him too, but the point is, I enjoy french cinema.
Let's talk about that meeting I had yesterday. It was in fact an interview with a new company. I am not sure if I liked them or not. I have a strong feeling they liked me more than I liked them. Whole day - got up, waited around for current client to actually do something which never happened. Got dressed in a nice conservative suit and then went to the train station. The new company is located such that I could take the train every day and not have to worry about driving or parking. It is roughly one mile from the train station which would give me a nice morning walk as well. My appointment was at 1, but the train left at either 11 or 12 and then hit the city at 11:40 or 12:40. I didn't know how long it would take me to walk so I opted for the 11 train. Hit their office at 12:10. When one of the people commented on me being early I told them I took the train and it was either be 50 minutes early or ten minutes late. We started around 12:40 and went until 3:30. This was about a 1/2 hour longer than I was scheduled which always tells me it's going in a positive direction. Met with three people total, one of whom did the whole technical testing of my skills much to my annoyance, one of whom discussed things technical but in a higher more appropriate manner, and the third wanted to talk about projects and general stuff. I answered all their questions without issue, BUT they couldn't answer any of mine which is why I walked out of there not too excited.
The three people I met with would be my colleagues and I asked them things like:
- Is the company cash flow positive?
- What's the three year forecast?
- What's the expansion rate?
- How solid is the pipeline?
- What are paths of career growth?
And similar types of things. Basically I was met with blank stares. One of the interviewers said 'Wow, those are all great questions. I have never had a candidate ask me these things. If you find out the answers let ME know'. Um... These people have been at the company between 2 - 4 YEARS. They should have been able to give me even vague answers if not straight up. What I heard was 'you know upper management doesn't really share those things' or 'well I have been in this role since I started'. Ok, that doesn't work for me. I am not going to work somewhere and do the same thing for 4 years. Hell it's one of the reasons I am not happy now. I need to know there is room for growth both personally and financially. When I expressed my concerns to the recruiter who got me the interview, he said it was because I met with people too low. Fine. Let me meet with managers people who should REALLY be my peers. Let me drill their asses on these things. We shall see if it goes anywhere.
Left at roughly 3:35, got to the train station at just before 4, caught a 4:09 train, and was back home at 4:33. Not bad. I DO like the commute, where it's located, etc. They aren't really offering more money, but it would be better for my mental health and social life. That is almost worth it. I need to see if there's a next round and how it goes. In the meantime I just keep plodding along.
Made some scrambled eggs for dinner, talked all this over with J66 to make sure I wasn't being unrealistic (she agreed my questions were valid), watched Amelie and went to bed. Speaking of that, I rearranged my bedroom last night. I got a wild hair up my ass. I was working on too small of a desk in the other room and swapped out the one in my room. That of course made me rearrange everything. So it goes.
I watched Amelie last night. It's one of those movies I have always wanted to watch but for one reason or another never got around to it. What a sweet, wonderful, beautiful movie. I loved every minute of it. While watching it I realized I not only like french women, but I do like a lot of french films - La Femme Nikita, Wasabi, The Illusionist, Amelie, MicMacs, etc. Granted Jean Reno is in two of those and I like him too, but the point is, I enjoy french cinema.
Let's talk about that meeting I had yesterday. It was in fact an interview with a new company. I am not sure if I liked them or not. I have a strong feeling they liked me more than I liked them. Whole day - got up, waited around for current client to actually do something which never happened. Got dressed in a nice conservative suit and then went to the train station. The new company is located such that I could take the train every day and not have to worry about driving or parking. It is roughly one mile from the train station which would give me a nice morning walk as well. My appointment was at 1, but the train left at either 11 or 12 and then hit the city at 11:40 or 12:40. I didn't know how long it would take me to walk so I opted for the 11 train. Hit their office at 12:10. When one of the people commented on me being early I told them I took the train and it was either be 50 minutes early or ten minutes late. We started around 12:40 and went until 3:30. This was about a 1/2 hour longer than I was scheduled which always tells me it's going in a positive direction. Met with three people total, one of whom did the whole technical testing of my skills much to my annoyance, one of whom discussed things technical but in a higher more appropriate manner, and the third wanted to talk about projects and general stuff. I answered all their questions without issue, BUT they couldn't answer any of mine which is why I walked out of there not too excited.
The three people I met with would be my colleagues and I asked them things like:
- Is the company cash flow positive?
- What's the three year forecast?
- What's the expansion rate?
- How solid is the pipeline?
- What are paths of career growth?
And similar types of things. Basically I was met with blank stares. One of the interviewers said 'Wow, those are all great questions. I have never had a candidate ask me these things. If you find out the answers let ME know'. Um... These people have been at the company between 2 - 4 YEARS. They should have been able to give me even vague answers if not straight up. What I heard was 'you know upper management doesn't really share those things' or 'well I have been in this role since I started'. Ok, that doesn't work for me. I am not going to work somewhere and do the same thing for 4 years. Hell it's one of the reasons I am not happy now. I need to know there is room for growth both personally and financially. When I expressed my concerns to the recruiter who got me the interview, he said it was because I met with people too low. Fine. Let me meet with managers people who should REALLY be my peers. Let me drill their asses on these things. We shall see if it goes anywhere.
Left at roughly 3:35, got to the train station at just before 4, caught a 4:09 train, and was back home at 4:33. Not bad. I DO like the commute, where it's located, etc. They aren't really offering more money, but it would be better for my mental health and social life. That is almost worth it. I need to see if there's a next round and how it goes. In the meantime I just keep plodding along.
Made some scrambled eggs for dinner, talked all this over with J66 to make sure I wasn't being unrealistic (she agreed my questions were valid), watched Amelie and went to bed. Speaking of that, I rearranged my bedroom last night. I got a wild hair up my ass. I was working on too small of a desk in the other room and swapped out the one in my room. That of course made me rearrange everything. So it goes.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Y2 D315
I got to pretend I was a normal person last night. By normal I mean someone who has friends and does things! Remember I mentioned I picked up that new card game? Well I decided to invite some friends over to play. I figured what the hell. I ended up having five friends come over around 7:30 until about 10 and we played the game, ate food, and hung out. It was the most normal I have felt in a long time. I didn't over eat, over drink, or spend money. It was wonderful. I ended up sleeping on the couch because I didn't feel well after they left, but I think it was too much watermelon. I must have ate half a watermelon and it bugged my stomach. But no hangover or anything stupid, just some kind of reaction to fruit. Go figure.
Worked during the day on a bunch of stuff for different clients. I did get put in the middle of something political which I didn't appreciate, but I carboned my boss on the threads in case it comes back to bite me in any way.
That's about it. A nice night at home with friends, talked with J66 during the day, went to 'bed' early. Today I have an appointment in the city which will be interesting. I will tell more about that tomorrow.
Worked during the day on a bunch of stuff for different clients. I did get put in the middle of something political which I didn't appreciate, but I carboned my boss on the threads in case it comes back to bite me in any way.
That's about it. A nice night at home with friends, talked with J66 during the day, went to 'bed' early. Today I have an appointment in the city which will be interesting. I will tell more about that tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Y2 D314
52 days to go until we start a new year. Wow. A little over a month and a half. Amazing.
I have never cried while watching television until last night. I was watching the premier of a new show on A&E called Relapse and about halfway through I realized I was crying. I don't really know why but for some reason these people and their stories hit me hard. The premise is simple -- two stories about a junkie or drunk and the life coach who works with them for a week to try and get them clean. That's it. These are people who have been in treatment before in the case of one guy many times, and can't get it. I think it was the guy's story that hit me. The girl was your random oh she was so pretty and successful until meth ruined her life that it didn't really do anything for me. But the guy -- firefighter with two kids and a wife. He was losing his house, his credit cards were in collections, not because of his drinking just because of cutbacks and regular day to day issues. So he drank. A lot. The problem was he also got angry when he drank. Never touched the kids, but would punch walls and his truck. His sober coach as they are called, is an ex heroin addict. But not a preachy jesus guy either. He looked this guy in the face and told him what about you do you hate so fucking much that you escape into that fucking bottle? It was raw, real, and frankly a little scary. He made him look at himself. He told him - the problem isn't your drinking, the problem is YOU. At one point the guy ended up breaking into a vacant house and getting drunk in the basement to not have to be around his wife and seeing her cry. They found him the next morning on the floor passed out. It was just so real and wow. In the end, they got him into a 90 day program where he could finally be sober. As of the airing of the show, he had been sober for 7 months and was back on the fire department. I highly recommend this show.
During the day I worked finally. Had two different clients to deal with on issues. And thanks to about 3 hours of meetings yesterday I now have stuff to do today. Should keep me for a good 8 hours today.
I did run out for one errand. I feel a little stupid about it, but what the hell. We played this card game Sunday morning while waiting for the flea market to open called Fluxx. I decided to get out of the house and ride the bike yesterday around 5 because it was just beautiful out. As I was riding there is a game store near me and I decided to see how much Fluxx was. It's not expensive and didn't cause me any significant financial issue, that's not why I feel stupid for buying it. No it's that I bought a card game for 2-8 persons and well, the cat has no thumbs and the rabbits get bored to easy. You know what I am saying. Felt kind of dumb buying a game that requires other people when I have no other people.
Oh here's a miracle -- I sent out my regular monthly checkin to J to see if I am ever getting my $2400. Lo and behold she actually responded with a long message instead of one of her usual 'no' messages. Turns out she had her car repo'd for the second time, but she thinks things are getting better. Um, ok. Good luck with that. I won't forgive her debt, but it was the detail of the message that made me happy.
Went to bed around 10 after some Lego Star Wars (62% complete thank you very much). Another exciting day in the life of me...
I have never cried while watching television until last night. I was watching the premier of a new show on A&E called Relapse and about halfway through I realized I was crying. I don't really know why but for some reason these people and their stories hit me hard. The premise is simple -- two stories about a junkie or drunk and the life coach who works with them for a week to try and get them clean. That's it. These are people who have been in treatment before in the case of one guy many times, and can't get it. I think it was the guy's story that hit me. The girl was your random oh she was so pretty and successful until meth ruined her life that it didn't really do anything for me. But the guy -- firefighter with two kids and a wife. He was losing his house, his credit cards were in collections, not because of his drinking just because of cutbacks and regular day to day issues. So he drank. A lot. The problem was he also got angry when he drank. Never touched the kids, but would punch walls and his truck. His sober coach as they are called, is an ex heroin addict. But not a preachy jesus guy either. He looked this guy in the face and told him what about you do you hate so fucking much that you escape into that fucking bottle? It was raw, real, and frankly a little scary. He made him look at himself. He told him - the problem isn't your drinking, the problem is YOU. At one point the guy ended up breaking into a vacant house and getting drunk in the basement to not have to be around his wife and seeing her cry. They found him the next morning on the floor passed out. It was just so real and wow. In the end, they got him into a 90 day program where he could finally be sober. As of the airing of the show, he had been sober for 7 months and was back on the fire department. I highly recommend this show.
During the day I worked finally. Had two different clients to deal with on issues. And thanks to about 3 hours of meetings yesterday I now have stuff to do today. Should keep me for a good 8 hours today.
I did run out for one errand. I feel a little stupid about it, but what the hell. We played this card game Sunday morning while waiting for the flea market to open called Fluxx. I decided to get out of the house and ride the bike yesterday around 5 because it was just beautiful out. As I was riding there is a game store near me and I decided to see how much Fluxx was. It's not expensive and didn't cause me any significant financial issue, that's not why I feel stupid for buying it. No it's that I bought a card game for 2-8 persons and well, the cat has no thumbs and the rabbits get bored to easy. You know what I am saying. Felt kind of dumb buying a game that requires other people when I have no other people.
Oh here's a miracle -- I sent out my regular monthly checkin to J to see if I am ever getting my $2400. Lo and behold she actually responded with a long message instead of one of her usual 'no' messages. Turns out she had her car repo'd for the second time, but she thinks things are getting better. Um, ok. Good luck with that. I won't forgive her debt, but it was the detail of the message that made me happy.
Went to bed around 10 after some Lego Star Wars (62% complete thank you very much). Another exciting day in the life of me...
Monday, April 4, 2011
Y2 D313
Since Saturday and Sunday ended up being one long day, it's only fitting I type them up as one long post. There was no break between the two days so trying to separate them would only make things challenging. Hence, you get one long post today. The only reason I posted yesterday from IHOP was I have not missed a post in almost two years and I wasn't about to start now.
Saturday during the day was pretty uneventful. I woke up nursing a slight hangover from my idiotic behavior Friday night (still not sure the total impact of that, nothing has posted to my account yet because of the weekend. I fear tomorrow morning will look pretty scary). I hung around the house doing some light cleaning and watching movies. I made chili in the morning to have for the week. Really good chili too. London broil, ground beef, peppers. I was really happy how it turned out. I watched SuckerPunch which was better than I expected but not as good as I had hoped. It played too much like a series of video game cut scenes. I kept waiting for it to be 'my turn' like in a video game. The end was quite good and I really enjoyed the last 1/2 hour of the movie. Unfortunately that came after the first hour which had I seen it in a theater would have frustrated me. I headed out for the show around 9. First stop was my co-head's house to get the remaining props and then drive to the bar to meet everyone. Things were going well until around 2 or so.
The show went pretty smooth with just a couple of small prop glitches; one prop went out a little late and another was not quite in the right spot for blocking, but overall it wasn't the end of the world in my mind. That of course didn't stop us from getting an ass reaming after the show. I am tired of my director yelling at us after each show. If I didn't need the social aspect of this group and the friendships it brings so bad, I would tell her to go fuck herself. But, I can't and I won't. I need this. The kid is going to need them when she moves up here too. The problem started around 2:30 when we (the tech crew) were waiting to put props away. We have to put props in the same place where the actors change. After the show they diddle around getting changed and getting their shit out of our way. She comes storming in wanting to know why nothing has been moved yet as she wants to get out of there. Then tell your fucking actors to move their shit out of our way. Don't yell at us because we want to go too but can't do anything. THEN we get yelled at because the brooms and dustpans are missing. Excuse me?? We never use them. YES technically we are in charge of them as a equipment, but we are busy putting shit away and it's the rest of the cast and the theater employees who are using them. Basically we end up getting screamed at in the street over things that are outside our realm of control. We take it, don't argue, and leave. The fact that we didn't argue, but simply and calmly pointed out the above points deflated her argument and heat, but she had to have the last word.
I headed off to pie with three other folks and when we got back to the car I had multiple texts and phone calls from her and her husband. Really? It couldn't wait? You needed to chew me out more at 3:30 in the morning? Seriously? I called them back around 4 and proceeded to get chewed for a 1/2 hour on how even though I am now co-head of tech, I have no right to threaten my team with removal from cast because they haven't paid their dues. Um, first off I didn't threaten with removal, I threatened with refusing to let them perform if they are more than five shows behind and two, I was actually trying to HELP you by taking something off your plates to worry about. But whatever. I took the heat, let her have the last word and proceeded on with my day.
We headed down to the area's largest and oldest flea market with another couple from cast. There were five of us total. We made for a very motley crew as none of us had actually gone home or slept. I was still wearing all black and a sport coat at that. According to the website, the market opened at 5am. Turns out this was just for vendors. We were let into the parking lot around 5:30 and soon realized we were being boxed in to a section. Luckily we ran and found an employee who helped us get out of the merchant section. Otherwise, we would have been stuck there all day. Turns out for non-vendors, the other parking lot opens at 7. Fine. All five of us headed off to IHOP, again looking a little freaky to the employees there. We sat there eating, laughing, and playing a card game called Fluxx. I SO need to pick up this game. There's a game shop around corner that sells it. If you've never played it, look it up. It's a blast.
At 7ish we headed back and look, the normal lot is open! We ended up walking around the flea market until around 11. In that four hours I found - a feather duster, a mini-watermelon, pistachios, and 10 limes. I know. Seriously random. We as a group also found a new light stand, something else we got chewed out about even though we believe the theater stole it from us. We did have a really good time at the flea market. You have to understand this is a 120 acre place. It's huge. Most of the stalls are permanent. It has been around over 50 years. If you need it, odds are the flea market has it. We were all so tired and goofy that it was just a fun time for all.
Got home around noon and putzed. Fed the animals, took a bath, watched some TV, made a nice dinner with the chili in a breadbowl. Chatted with J66 quite a bit which was a nice way to wrap up a very long yet mostly satisfying weekend.
And now it's Monday and the shit starts again.
Saturday during the day was pretty uneventful. I woke up nursing a slight hangover from my idiotic behavior Friday night (still not sure the total impact of that, nothing has posted to my account yet because of the weekend. I fear tomorrow morning will look pretty scary). I hung around the house doing some light cleaning and watching movies. I made chili in the morning to have for the week. Really good chili too. London broil, ground beef, peppers. I was really happy how it turned out. I watched SuckerPunch which was better than I expected but not as good as I had hoped. It played too much like a series of video game cut scenes. I kept waiting for it to be 'my turn' like in a video game. The end was quite good and I really enjoyed the last 1/2 hour of the movie. Unfortunately that came after the first hour which had I seen it in a theater would have frustrated me. I headed out for the show around 9. First stop was my co-head's house to get the remaining props and then drive to the bar to meet everyone. Things were going well until around 2 or so.
The show went pretty smooth with just a couple of small prop glitches; one prop went out a little late and another was not quite in the right spot for blocking, but overall it wasn't the end of the world in my mind. That of course didn't stop us from getting an ass reaming after the show. I am tired of my director yelling at us after each show. If I didn't need the social aspect of this group and the friendships it brings so bad, I would tell her to go fuck herself. But, I can't and I won't. I need this. The kid is going to need them when she moves up here too. The problem started around 2:30 when we (the tech crew) were waiting to put props away. We have to put props in the same place where the actors change. After the show they diddle around getting changed and getting their shit out of our way. She comes storming in wanting to know why nothing has been moved yet as she wants to get out of there. Then tell your fucking actors to move their shit out of our way. Don't yell at us because we want to go too but can't do anything. THEN we get yelled at because the brooms and dustpans are missing. Excuse me?? We never use them. YES technically we are in charge of them as a equipment, but we are busy putting shit away and it's the rest of the cast and the theater employees who are using them. Basically we end up getting screamed at in the street over things that are outside our realm of control. We take it, don't argue, and leave. The fact that we didn't argue, but simply and calmly pointed out the above points deflated her argument and heat, but she had to have the last word.
I headed off to pie with three other folks and when we got back to the car I had multiple texts and phone calls from her and her husband. Really? It couldn't wait? You needed to chew me out more at 3:30 in the morning? Seriously? I called them back around 4 and proceeded to get chewed for a 1/2 hour on how even though I am now co-head of tech, I have no right to threaten my team with removal from cast because they haven't paid their dues. Um, first off I didn't threaten with removal, I threatened with refusing to let them perform if they are more than five shows behind and two, I was actually trying to HELP you by taking something off your plates to worry about. But whatever. I took the heat, let her have the last word and proceeded on with my day.
We headed down to the area's largest and oldest flea market with another couple from cast. There were five of us total. We made for a very motley crew as none of us had actually gone home or slept. I was still wearing all black and a sport coat at that. According to the website, the market opened at 5am. Turns out this was just for vendors. We were let into the parking lot around 5:30 and soon realized we were being boxed in to a section. Luckily we ran and found an employee who helped us get out of the merchant section. Otherwise, we would have been stuck there all day. Turns out for non-vendors, the other parking lot opens at 7. Fine. All five of us headed off to IHOP, again looking a little freaky to the employees there. We sat there eating, laughing, and playing a card game called Fluxx. I SO need to pick up this game. There's a game shop around corner that sells it. If you've never played it, look it up. It's a blast.
At 7ish we headed back and look, the normal lot is open! We ended up walking around the flea market until around 11. In that four hours I found - a feather duster, a mini-watermelon, pistachios, and 10 limes. I know. Seriously random. We as a group also found a new light stand, something else we got chewed out about even though we believe the theater stole it from us. We did have a really good time at the flea market. You have to understand this is a 120 acre place. It's huge. Most of the stalls are permanent. It has been around over 50 years. If you need it, odds are the flea market has it. We were all so tired and goofy that it was just a fun time for all.
Got home around noon and putzed. Fed the animals, took a bath, watched some TV, made a nice dinner with the chili in a breadbowl. Chatted with J66 quite a bit which was a nice way to wrap up a very long yet mostly satisfying weekend.
And now it's Monday and the shit starts again.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Y2 D312
I am typing this on my phone at ihop with friends. Last night was a show night and I have yet to go home. I will post two days worth tomorrow. We are going to the largest flea market in the area. It is supposed to open at five per their website. That is for vendors not us. We don't get in until 7 apparently. Ugh
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Y2 D311
Oh I fucked the donkey last night. Metaphorically thank you very much. I am not desperate enough yet to fuck an actual donkey. Yet...
Anyway, I partied like a rock star with money I don't have with a woman I can't have. The classic idiot moves I have been trying so hard to avoid. I understand junkies and alcoholics who fall off the wagon; it's so easy to slip back into those modes. It's so easy to fall right back into the old patterns of self-destruction and self abuse.
I worked all day and then met a friend for drinks. She is having a rough time at her job right now and needed support. She showed me the things her boss wrote about her in a letter to HR. Wow, this was some tough shit which most of it was bullshit. It was all subjective emotional crap. One of the reasons why women working for women can be a challenge. They tend to be meaner and harsher on each other than a man would be to a colleague. I mean some of this was downright petty and snippy. Regardless, I could understand why she was having a rough time of it. There are things in there that no matter what she does will never be fixed because they are too personal. She wrote a response to HR but it didn't help.
So I cheered her up while dragging myself down.
I have known her for over 10 years and crushed on her the same length of time. We started at one bar, had dessert, then I went off to another because I wasn't done making an ass out of myself, then grabbed a friend from cast and had pie so I could whine to her about how pathetic my life is.
Man I am a fuck up. Six and half feet of rope and it will all be over.
Got to make sure the bills are paid first. I need to see the aftermath of my destruction come monday morning to see what I can pay and who gets fucked this month. Idiot.
Anyway, I partied like a rock star with money I don't have with a woman I can't have. The classic idiot moves I have been trying so hard to avoid. I understand junkies and alcoholics who fall off the wagon; it's so easy to slip back into those modes. It's so easy to fall right back into the old patterns of self-destruction and self abuse.
I worked all day and then met a friend for drinks. She is having a rough time at her job right now and needed support. She showed me the things her boss wrote about her in a letter to HR. Wow, this was some tough shit which most of it was bullshit. It was all subjective emotional crap. One of the reasons why women working for women can be a challenge. They tend to be meaner and harsher on each other than a man would be to a colleague. I mean some of this was downright petty and snippy. Regardless, I could understand why she was having a rough time of it. There are things in there that no matter what she does will never be fixed because they are too personal. She wrote a response to HR but it didn't help.
So I cheered her up while dragging myself down.
I have known her for over 10 years and crushed on her the same length of time. We started at one bar, had dessert, then I went off to another because I wasn't done making an ass out of myself, then grabbed a friend from cast and had pie so I could whine to her about how pathetic my life is.
Man I am a fuck up. Six and half feet of rope and it will all be over.
Got to make sure the bills are paid first. I need to see the aftermath of my destruction come monday morning to see what I can pay and who gets fucked this month. Idiot.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Y2 D310
I started working yesterday at 5:25am. I know this time exactly because my client sent me an email at 5:23 and was impressed I responded within 2 minutes. I finished working at 3:54pm. I know *this* because it was the email I received from the client. Long fucking day staring at a screen. I also didn't leave the house because of this long day. I sat and worked. Then I watched a special on Bill Hicks, finished reading Breakfast of Champions and went to bed - at 8:30.
My life is a wasted piece of shit. Wait until tomorrow. It's going to be even more fun. I just finished paying bills while I was typing all this. Let's see how the next 24 hours go after everything goes through...
My life is a wasted piece of shit. Wait until tomorrow. It's going to be even more fun. I just finished paying bills while I was typing all this. Let's see how the next 24 hours go after everything goes through...
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