Y2 D335

I hate that they put mirrors in front of the desks in hotel rooms...

I was pondering yesterday about the cyclical nature of life. I started thinking about this job I am waiting to hear back from and it made me think back to when I was about to take a new job offer in 98. I then started mentally backing up from 98 to see how my life had been. Walk down memory lane with me…

In 95 I was at a job I hated, in a marriage to a woman who was and is a whore, and in an area I couldn't stand. My grandmother died in 95 and this was a huge loss for me. I was very close to her and it was (at the time) the last family member I was in contact with and cared about. My marriage was completely in ruins and I was drinking myself to death. I was angry, frustrated, and the only thing keeping me going was the kid. It was towards the end of that year when I met X2. We met at a conference while I was still married. We went out a couple of times and I realized I had value and was a human being deserving of more than I had. There was no expectation that anything would come of it or that I would ever see her again, but she in a short time, changed my life. I went home, told X1 I was moving out and I was done. The next few months were rough as I struggled to find myself and establish a life. I had a good friend who was also going through things and we supported each other. I miss him by the way, but that's a whole other story that I don't feel like discussing.

Fast forward to 97. Two years almost. Two years… X2 and I are living together, but we are not doing well financially due mostly to my fuckups. We are both out of work, out of options, and worst of all, freshly married. We decide to make a huge life change and move 300 miles to a new area where we will have more options. The first six months or so are a struggle; we find jobs, but they don't work out. In late 98 a friend of mine offers me a job as a developer at a new company he just became VP at. It's small, untested, and interesting. The money is good, not great, but good, and it will be a fresh start. I accept it. I am there for six years. 98 through 2002 are the four best years of mine and X2's life. We get raises, we get promotions, we are living a GOOD life. We have cars, food, friends, and love. We are fucking happy. 2003 things start to plateau. Much of it is due to my arrogance at work and my youth. I am too conceited and good. Things aren't bad, but there is a shift in the wind. We buy a house in 03 and for a while we are still happy. By 04 I lose my job due to my own issues and we start drinking to hide the gap that is beginning to form between us. I find a new job (at my current company no less) after taking one which nearly ruined me with how much I was on the road. Little did I know… The company asks me to move in 06 and that's when life really goes to hell in a hand-basket as you, faithful readers, all know. Fast forward five years and here we are.

So let's examine the current cycle, shall we? 07 life sucks. Job sucks. Make life changes. Pretend it's alright when I know it isn't. Drinking myself to death. 08, lawsuit, marriage falling apart. 09, divorced, alone, rebuilding, still drinking myself to death. 10, slowly recovering. Financial issues, personal issues; drugs, alcohol, bad relationships. Mid-year, things take a turn. I meet someone (LO) who shows me I have worth. I had to hit rock bottom. I had to stick the feathers up my ass and say I was a chicken. I had to burn the lips into my hands. Almost a year later and I see up. Almost two years since it fell apart. Three since things started going to hell. Sound familiar?

And now? Now I have a chance to move forward possibly. If they offer me the job, I see 98 all over again. A chance to rebuild. A chance to start over and maybe if not break, at least alter the cycle. Spend the next five years trying to do things slightly different while staying on the up. No one is up forever, but if I can get 6 or even 8 years instead of 4 this time because of my own decisions and choices? So far, I have broken the cycle in a major way - I am still alone. I walked away from N-whatever she was. I could have settled but I chose to break a pattern. This is GOOD for me as much as I bitch about it. I need to be up and solid ON MY OWN before I can be of value to anyone else. I know this deep down. I need to fix this broken machine before I can do anything. I am close. I *FEEL* it. This job could be the catalyst. This could be my road back to… what? Not salvation. I can never be saved. That much I know. No, normalcy. Redemption possibly. Those are more important to me than salvation any day.

I am sitting in a hotel room while I type this. Off to meet a new client soon and hoping for word on the job. I know they called at least three of my references yesterday. Spent most of the day driving and doing some work from the hotel room. Had a decent dinner in the hotel bar. I didn't want to hit the town even though I could have because I didn't want a repeat of Arizona. While I would love to get laid finally, I don't want to leave a sour taste in my bosses mouth regardless of a new job or not. I need to show them that I can be an adult. Fuck that, I need to show MYSELF that I can have control and not lose it. I did half ass flirt with a couple of women. One old and in need of the attention, the other young and ignoring me. It's all a fucking game. Came back to the room, chatted online with some friends, went to bed. I did good.