Y2 D321

I have a lot to say today so please bear with me. Feel free to skim, but I need to get all this out and on 'paper'.

First off, thanks to everyone of you who called, emailed, or texted me yesterday. Your support and love means more to me than you will ever know. It truly shows me who is out there thinking about me and who truly cares. Without you, I would honestly never make it through these things. You give me courage and hope that there are things worth fighting for and that I don't have to do this alone. Thank you.

Now, on a slightly different note -- I need to make it clear that this blog and its writings are my 'personal' space. It's the one place where I can dump without burdening other people. I don't know who is actually reading this and with what regularity. I don't do stats on it any more because I don't care. This is for *me*. It's the one place where I can be truly honest and get all the dark parts out into the light. I am a firm believer that if something is eating you up inside, let it out. If you let it out it loses its power over you. Therefore, I dump. All the nastiness from the prior 24 hours gets dumped, right here. In one heaping pile.

I do this so that I don't have to burden you my friends. I do this so that I can expunge these things from my system without taxing our friendship. This is my therapist. This is my bartender. It is my catharsis. I don't ask any of you for anything any more because I know it's too much. It's hard banging your head against some mad brother's wall. I get it. So let me dump. Check in on me, ask me if I still functioning, but let me dump. Yes, this is the dark side. But I have cookies...

On that note, what is crushing me right now is the over whelming flaming pile of shit I am looking at. It isn't JUST the 16k. It's when you add that to everything else I am now around 115k in debt. I am looking at an ENDLESS mountain of debt right now. There is NO WAY in my lifetime at my current rate of EVER being out of debt. EVER. That's in part thanks to outrageous interest, and only being able to make minimum payments. Any steps I could take to reduce it would be minuscule at best and in some ways leave me in a worse mental state.

See, even if I were to liquidate the meager things I do have left, the amount I would get on the open market would reduce my debt by 3% maybe 5%. Which would still leave me with everything, and at the same time depress me further as I would truly have nothing. Which is why I am not in the position to fule bankruptcy. This was my dad's answer. I don't know if any of you have ever been through it, but from the research I have done and the people I have spoken to about it, it is a last chance choice. You have to make SEVERE lifestyle changes and get rid of any assets regardless of how poorly you will fair open market. Once you have done that, then you can negotiate reduced (reduced, not eliminated) debt settlements. The debt doesn't go away, it simply is reduced. In the end even if I were to reduce it by 50% thanks to bankruptcy, the emotional toil of losing everything would be worse for my psyche than just soldiering on. I have eliminated many things in the last six months to increase my cash flow. I was on track. With the exception of one or two bad nights, I have been working my ASS off these last six months to be positive, make good choices, look for better work, etc. And what do I get in return? The universe shits on me. I blame no one but myself so I am not looking for a scapegoat or to be in anyway a martyr. Worse, I am being pragmatic and a realist and it sucks.

Here's the other advice I received in the last 24 hours -- be selfish, move, change jobs, etc. Guess what? No can do. I will NOT have my daughter think she has two parents who have abandoned her. I will NOT be X1. I will not put my needs ahead of the kid's right now. In another year or so, when this lease is up and she is ready to move in with a roommate or whatever, then I will consider this option. I will sell off some furniture, some other stuff, and make some hard life choices in terms of where I live and work. Also, I am WAY too responsible to do anything permanent to myself. I will not let the kid down. I will not walk out on her. Until then, let me ramble. Let me deal with things the best way I know how.

That's the bottom line. I am frustrated and it sucks. So I dump. Nietzsche said: “The thought of suicide is a powerful solace: by means of it one gets through many a bad night”. I truly believe this. Because any time I THINK about doing it, I THINK of 100,000 reasons not to do it. But that's what gives me strength to keep going. I don't expect many of you to understand that. It's not an easy concept to grasp. I also like what Richard Bach has to say on the same subject:

“Anyone desperate enough for suicide...should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try.”

He's right you know. It can be a powerful motivator. If I am willing to die, then I should be willing to take chances and push it to the limit.

That's enough of all that for now. In other news, I got up yesterday and drove for over an hour one way, sat for two hours, went to a 20 minute meeting, then drove back for 90 minutes. That did wonders for my mood. I also had NO hot water until 5pm and NO WATER AT ALL from 12-5. On the positive side, the rental office did call me and is giving me either $50 off my rent next month or a $50 gift card if they can get it approved. Sometimes being the squeaky wheel pays off. I went to a birthday party last night and was able to shake off the remaining malaise. Being around people helps.

That's something else that's hard for you to understand. I have been working from home A LOT lately. I have had NO human contact 2, 3, even 4 days at a time. Those of you who go off to offices or school or whatever can't grasp that. Go try it -- spend FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT alone and see how much the weight of the world gets on you.

Thanks for listening.