Y3 D66

This is one of those mornings where I could die a happy man. Happy. Strange and wonderful concept. Elusive yet within grasp and right now I hold it in my hands.

Yesterday was fucking perfect.

Got up in the morning and drove the kid to work then came home and cleaned the house like a madman. It was way over due. I went at it for a good three or four hours - bleaching floors and walls, clothing put away, vacuuming, everything. Spotless and smelled like it. I crashed out around noon only to be woken up by LO2. Nice way to wake up. I knew she was coming and had left the door open for her. Man talk about sweet as hell to open my eyes to. From there it was all about us. She went with me to run errands and take care of some stuff. It was like, oh I don't know... like a couple? We grabbed some afternoon snackage in the form of olives and cheese, came back and watched a movie while nibbling on food. The kid came home around 5:30 and we all sat around watching X-Files and pizza. Everybody happy, everybody getting along. My buddy came over around 8 and we pre-gamed before the show. Even the kid was happy and into it. Around 9:30 they left in his car and the kid and I took the van up to the show.

I did good. I stayed away from her at the show except for a couple of appropriate times, and the show was FUCKING PERFECT. No issues, no drama, no missed marks. Best show we have done in a while. Everything went like clockwork. I even had some random girl rub my head while I was crouching down waiting for a cue. It was just a great night with good energy in the room. We all felt it and it showed on stage. We got the van loaded and we were back home by 3.

She is in bed right now waiting for me. Guess what I am going to go do?

Y3 D65

I got the most interesting email from a surprising source - my sister. First off I didn't think she was still reading - HI SIS! - but apparently she is. The email? Support of me and LO2. Okay, not really 'support' but not admonishment or insults like everyone else has given me. No instead it was admonishment towards all the haters that made me shut down the last couple of days and not want to share anything. She said that I should remember who this blog is for - ME. Not you, not them, but me. That I *NEED* it to get everything in my fucked up head out. She is so right. This isn't about you. For once I can proudly say without fear of offense, this fucker is for me. Therefore, blow me. You don't like what you read? Click onto youtube and watch a kitten. There's plenty of them out there.

Yesterday work went well. I finally got through a couple of my roadblocks and there was just an air of levity in the office. I think everyone had a rough week and we all finally felt good because of the approaching weekend. Worked from about 6:50 to 3:30. At 3:30 I was like fuck it, I am out of here. But in a good way. After work, came home dyed the head (I can't say hair really as the amount of hair and scalp are getting more equal with every passing day...). Then waited for the kid to get home. Last night was father/daughter time especially since I will be spending a good part of the weekend with LO2. I haven't seen her since Monday night and we are both looking forward to the weekend. I do believe for different reasons. I am looking forward to see if this can make it through a third week or if we have run out of things to actually keep us interested in each other and I am sure she is looking forward to being in the company of a BAMF. Yep. BAMF bitches. No matter what, dating LO2 has taken my confidence back to new levels of insanity. Like last night at the movies...

Once the kid got home, we headed out to pick up her contacts and then meet friends for dinner and a movie. We met at this italian place which was pretty good. I wasn't totally thrilled with the prices, but it worked and it was the end of my friend's birthday week so it was all good. There were about 9 or 10 of us and we all headed over to the movie theater right after dinner. Saw Cowboys and Aliens. I am on the fence about it. On one hand, it was pretty much a page by page of the comic book which means I can't say they screwed it up, on the other hand it fell a little flat on the screen. But it's Han Fucking Solo and he like Nicky Cage could put a film of him sitting on the toilet for 90 minutes and I would still see it.

While at the theater I was in line to get popcorn and starting chatting this girl up. Very unlike how I was a few months ago. I mean I was really getting into a conversation. It wasn't quite long enough for me to like get a number or anything, but just the act of it showed me that my confidence is back where it fucking belongs.

Side note -- ordered a tub of Castiel lip balm from ComicCon and when it arrives any woman who kisses my lips will be kissing the lips of God...

Anyway, after the movie, came home and crashed. We didn't get home until after 1 and now we are up and I am taking the kid to work. Let's do this...

Y3 D64

Work, lunch, train, home, Project Runway, X-Files, Bed.

You get nothing more.

Y3 D63

Work, insults, train, fish tacos, X-Files, bed. At this point that's about all I am going to give for information is the basic stuff. Because any time I share anything real you all freak out, run away, insult me, or yell at me. SO fuck it. You get the basics. Tada. Of course I do love how my director asks me for a favor last night. And of course how I played nice and said I would do it. Always playing nice on the outside. Always making everyone else happy.

Ain't fun when you're always on the run? Ain't it fun when your friends despise what you've become? Ain't it FUN when you get so high you just can't cum? Ain't it fun when you know you're gonna die young?

Such fun...

Y3 D62

I will take this happiness anyway I can get. I don't care what anyone else thinks. I haven't woken up this happy in quite a while. She hasn't asked for anything but my attention and compassion; she hasn't stolen from me; she hasn't lied to me. All she wants is to be treated with respect and kindness. That I can do. It's nobody's business and I have to keep it that way. What I do in my personal life is my personal life, I have to remember that. I won't flaunt her, talk about her, or anything else for the time being. Everyone can go fuck themselves.

Worked all day yesterday while being chastised, insulted, disparaged, and yelled at through IM, text messages, and emails. Only two people are on my side right now. Thank you both for being there. It means more than you can imagine. Everyone needs to step back and remember that I have been fucking suicidal I have been so lonely. I am not 'in love' or confusing things - I am enjoying someone's company and they are enjoying mine. I am not looking to blow my fucking head off for the first time in a while. What? Don't like that talk? Tough shit. It's the truth.

She met me at a different train station last night where we had dinner then went and saw Captain America. I was actually surprised at how good it was. It followed the canon of the original story quite well. The villain was true to the comics, the story was interesting, the effects weren't over the top, and they wrapped it up nicely. After the movie we went home and went to bed. No sex, just bed. 

I almost forgot what today is -- almost...

Happy birthday bitch.

Y3 D61

All I wanted was a moment of happiness. A small taste of what it might be like to not be constantly depressed. But I guess that was too much to ask.

I was told in no uncertain terms that if I wish to remain on cast that I cannot be seen with LO2 at any cast related events or shows as it gives us the image of having a 'predator' on cast. Nice. Predator. Yeah, I am stalking 18 year old girls and luring them into my white van.

What really pisses me off is when I did the wrong thing I got congratulated and high-fived. When I tried to make it right by doing what I thought was the right thing, I get condemned as scum. AND the whole double standard of age difference. Some sample couples on cast: 36/24, 38/31, 42/33, 37/19. See I am the ONLY one who has ever dated someone younger than me. Yeah right. But it just pisses me off too that I had to hear it third hand. Have the balls to talk to me directly.

Dealt with all that yesterday and then came home to find a dead car. The kid had left the parking lights on all day and drained the battery. I had an eyebrow appointment which made it rough, but I got it jumped, got it charged and was able to go. Brought home burgers, watched four episodes of X-Files, went to bed.

Tonight I am hoping to talk to LO2 and let her know what is up. This may not end well...

Y3 D60

For those of you just tuning in to our show, let's do a recap of My So Called Incredibly Fucked Up What The Fuck Are You Doing You Fucking Idiot Are You Out Of Your Fucking Mind Life shall we? Let's just step back and look at the last week...

Last Saturday/Sunday -- I go to the show, meet two girls, find out they're 18 yet for some reason still take them back home and have a threesome. Good job dickhead...

Monday -- Go to a happy with clients, get drunk. Go to dinner with four more clients, get even drunker. Meet up at a club at 10pm with one of the same girls from the night before, with a client, lose the client, find the client, take said 18 year old girl back home (now designated as LO2), have sex all night. Strike two asshole.

Tuesday -- pass out at 8pm

Wednesday -- take a client out, pick up two girls at a bar, get emails and phone numbers, spend $400 on 'entertainment', puke my guts out at the train station, fall asleep on the train, miss my stop, finally get home and pass out on the floor in my clothes in the front room. Hmm. Not quite a strike, but definitely a foul ball...

Thursday -- LO2 comes over, I make her dinner, actually have a conversation with here and realize that despite trying to find things to hate or make it clear this is stupid, find that we actually have shit in common, can hold an actual conversation, and end up having sex all night. And that should be strike three, but hey, let's just keep pushing this, shall we??

Friday -- take a co-worker out drinking, meet a girl at a bar, get her name and number, and make her come with us to a burlesque show. Things get weird between me, girl, and co-worker. Leave club in a huff, drunk, manage to get on a train and get home. Mostly okay overall compared to the other days. This was not too bad in the grand scheme of things.

Saturday -- decide the hell with everyone because I enjoy getting laid and decide to bring LO2 to a cast karaoke party. Inevitable jokes ensue, but everyone is mostly accepting on the surface. Seriously what are they going to say? They (and you) know that I will do whatever I want anyway... Oh and did I mention, drunk again? Yeah...

And that bring us to yesterday, good ol' Sunday -- wake up at around 6, have sex, open a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and cheese, watch always sunny, have more sex, finish the champagne, watch more always sunny, have sex for a third time. Finally shower, send LO2 home, play DnD, work on props, watch X-Files, go to bed. Now, overall yesterday wasn't too bad except for having sex with A FUCKING EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL.

You know how hard this is? I know it's 'wrong' in the moral, ethical sense. Is it illegal? No. Is it pissing people off including the kid? Yes. Do I care? Obviously. But AM I HAPPY? Well, yeah...

I think this just needs to run its course. I get laid for a month, which means I will be able to go another six months without anything as is par for the course with me. Anything past a month it will just start getting weird. Not that's it not already, but past a month and people are going to really start talking except my kid who will stop talking to me altogether. You know how badly I wish this girl was just 10 years older? It would make the WORLD of difference to everyone including myself. Let's be honest here, I am an over grown hyperactive, obsessive compulsive narcissist child. Of course I have no problem banging LO2. Mentally we are the same and my ego is so fucking big that well this is just like sliced foie on top of bone marrow for me. But I will tire of her and I will throw her away. It's what I do...The really fucked up thing is in some ways I am living every guy's fantasy right now -- having threesomes, banging a girl half my age who thinks I am hot... what's NOT to like about the situation other than the obvious.

I don't know what to do. I am not seeing her tonight. I have work and then a brow appointment follow by bloody sleep. I need some sleep. Maybe then I can think with the big head instead of the little one.

Y3 D59

Yes it's noon on a Sunday. Why? Cause I have been busy having sex... three times. Oh yeah.

Yesterday was really good. The kid and I FINALLY had a long talk about last Saturday. She got all her anger out of her system and we established some serious ground rules. We also talked about how I disrespected her and some other things. Bottom line, our relationship is back on good terms and frankly we both are happier.

I took her to work and then came home to clean house. Took care of my house then went over to my co-head's place to work on props. I was there until almost 4:30 from 10am. We got a lot accomplished though which was good. I picked the kid up and then LO2 came over and we went off to karaoke with the gang. I did call my director earlier in the day and tell him I was bringing her and if it was a problem to tell me now. He said it would be no problem, but at 3:15am I get text from him saying we need to have a meeting today. Fuckin' a. I have to call him a few. Everyone was cool towards her and me at the place but I think I know what it is. He probably saw her drinking my drinks and that bugs him. So he is going to chew my ass out for that. Sigh

We got home around 1, and actually slept until about 6. Then we went at it like rabbits. :) Now I need to shower...

Y3 D58

Oh where oh where do we start today... how about the random things I just found in my house upon waking? A bottle of bacon hot sauce. Not too strange, but still odd... A piece of plastic chain with clamps on the end. A little more strange, but still not over the edge. A stamp on my hand that says "What the hell is this". I'd like to know. A random phone number with no name written on my other hand. Huh. Don't know who that belongs to.. But the winner? The hands down winner??? There's a fucking shopping cart in my living room. Yep. A shopping cart. I don't know where the fuck it came from. Well that's not true, I brought it home so I do know where it came from in that sense. What a fucked up weird ass day. Work in the morning was really challenging. I was not 100% but I had to function. I spent 4 hours on a morning conference call with a client doing a training session. This was immediately followed by a 2 hours company meeting. Nothing too exciting there except it was long and boring and it was mostly executive management rhetoric. After that I worked for a few hours on a client problem which I actually made some headway on. The best part was at around four our office manager came around with a tray of booze and a smile saying "afternoon beer?". Hell yes please.

Around 5 me and one of the guys from work left to go and find debauchery. And find it we did. We started at the local W bar because he was intent on finding women. Even though he is married. What the hell is with married guys who cheat? I don't fucking understand it. Anyway he didn't like the scene at the W so we went over to one of my favorite...

(Ok, there was a long gap in between the start of writing this post and now because the kid and I finally had a long overdue talk. More on that tomorrow)

restaurants where he proceeded to drink absinthe like water. I thought I was bad, but dear god. I was staying mostly sober as the plan was to head over to the burlesque show at 9:30 and it was only 6. Around 5 after this girl comes in and sits down by herself. I notice her and say to my friend 'how much you want to bet she is waiting for someone and they are going to be late?'. He says no she is alone. I give it twenty minutes and I go over to her. I was right. She ended up sitting back over with us and then went to the show with us. And that's when things got weird. I got her phone number but my buddy starts like actually touching her, like stroking her hair and rubbing her back. I was just like what the fuck is going on here? I just said screw it around 11 and left. No warning, no nothing. I just bailed. My friend texted me later and I told him I was tired and went home.

I get on the train and the baseball game had just let out and it was packed with drunken idiots. By this point I am almost completely sober. That's when I almost get into a fight. I should also mention that LO2 and I were texting pretty much the whole night. This kid gets on the train and starts yelling and being a jerk. His girlfriend tries to shut him up and he starts yelling at her. In my infinite wisdom tell him to shut the fuck up. I didn't get up or anything else. He started yelling at me and I told him to shut up and let us all enjoy our ride home. He started to walk towards me and I looked him right in the eye and said fine, come here. I wasn't about to get up for him. He must have seen that I wasn't screwing around because he decided to insult me, call me old, a 70s relic, etc and instead of doing something he started backing away. But I never moved, nor did I stop staring him down. It all ended peacefully but it got close. Real close.

Made it to the train station around 12:40 and was home by 1. I don't know what I should do about LO2, the girl whose number is on my hand, or the shopping cart. Lots to think about today...

Y3 D57

I have had more sex in the last 120 hours than in the prior 9.5 months. Amazing.

Went to work, was completely stressed out most of the day because I was hungover as fuck. I managed to get on my normal train and look presentable, but the body was not cooperating yesterday. I met up with the client who I went out with on Wednesday and he was looking pretty worse for the wear too. He was impressed at how functional I was given everything that went down. Little did he know that on the inside my body was screaming.

LO2 and I decided to get together at my place. She picked me up at the train station and we went back to my place where I made us dinner. I made chicken, mushroom, and spinach crepes. They came out fantastic. The only weird thing was the kid was there. She texted me right before I got home to tell me her schedule had changed and that she would be home around 6:30. Damn. Sigh, okay. I texted her back telling her I was making dinner but that I would also be having company. She didn't seem very happy about it, but she dealt with it. We ate, had some wine, then went into the bedroom while the kid pretty much did the same.

For the next three hours I introduced this little girl to so many pleasures of the flesh -- cuffs, ice, spurs, wax... I showed her how to ENJOY the moment inside of trying to rush the moment. The pleasure of delayed gratification. She did better than I expected. However she is still equating raw pain with pleasure versus mental pain/denial. I need to keep working on this because my back and chest look like a fucking drunk doctor took a scalpel to them right now. The water in the shower this morning stung like a motherfucker. I do think she is getting emotionally attached which could present a problem, but it's her problem, not mine. Afterwards we sat in bed watching a movie on Netflix and then went at it again. We ended up falling asleep around 11:30. Every now and then I could hear the kid coming out of her room and doing stuff. I tried to respectful of her space and hopefully she recognized that and will be respectful of mine. I know she disapproves of what I am doing, but dammit, I need this. I need it more than anyone can understand. Even more than I understand at times. Oh best part of the night? When I received a text from J saying 'I love you'. Talk about an out of the blue random moment. We were in between sessions when the text came through, so it wasn't too strange, but it still made me crack up.

This morning she drove me to the train station and took off. Depending on how things go, we won't see each other until maybe Monday or Tuesday. Good because I need a break...

Y3 D56

Walking the line man, walking the line...

And staying on the right side of it I hope...

So yesterday...

Went to work and did normal things during the day. At 4, I went over to the training class to give the other instructor a break and answer any of the harder questions that had come up during the day. Four of the clients decided they wanted to go have fun with me. Fuck.

I took them to one of the landmark locations in the city. One of those places where if you have never been to the city you need to see once kind of things. So there we are at the top of the building having drinks in the bar, relaxing and having a good time. I get the first, yes first, bill and it's $250. Fuck. I quickly send an email to my boss letting him know what's going on and that I will need this money back quickly. I still haven't heard back from him but he is walking in right now.

We are planning to leave around 7:30 when two girls walk into the bar with this guy who looks like Richard Simmons in a bad suit from 1973 and sunglasses. Really? Douche. The client looks at me with this look of 'well?' in his eyes so I pull one of my patented moves -- I steal the girls from him. Next thing you know it's two hours later, I am drunker than hell, have two phone numbers and email addresses. The girls are happy, the client is happy, and I still need to get home. I don't really remember leaving the bar, but I do remember getting in the cab with the client and him being dropped off at his hotel, and me being dumped off at the train station. I just missed the train and had to sit until 10:40. Sit is a relative word as I spent the time in the bathroom throwing up. Felt like a fucking homeless person. Managed to get on the train but fell asleep and ended up three stops past my normal one. Six fucking miles. I started walking home at almost midnight drunker than hell and about halfway managed to find a cab. I hit home a little after midnight and passed out on the front room floor. I came to around 4 and managed to get dressed and on my way to the train.

The kid drove me to the train as she was up already. She needed to be at work at 9 and luckily I didn't have to walk this morning.

In other news... I have decided that LO2 will be a play toy only. I will not bring her to anything social or any where with my friends. She needs to know her place in my life and that is the bedroom.

Man oh man. I am right on the cusp of fucking up but so far holding it together. Tonight LO2 and I are getting together, but I am setting boundaries. She WILL be gone tomorrow morning.

Y3 D55

I SLAMMED awake this morning. You know how sometimes you 'wake' up nice and easy or grumpily with the alarm but other days, you WAKE UP? That was how I woke up this morning. Not bad just flick, awake NOW.

I did good yesterday. I did it. Complete impulse control. I held on to being good. I am proud of myself. LO2 and I left the house together and went down to the train station where she waited with me for my train and then she headed the other direction on hers. I went into work, gave the training class, kept my mouth shut about things that were not appropriate, and then came on home at a normal time. Kid was at work when I got home so I just kind of hung around and then ended up falling asleep on the couch. She woke me up around 8:45 when she got home. We talked about work and nothing of any real importance. She doesn't want to hear about the other stuff and I don't want to talk about it. Now, on Saturday we are supposed to go to karaoke and I plan on inviting LO2 so we will have to address the issue at some point, but not now.

Went to bed. Today is more of the same. I have work then I am taking a client out for cocktails, then home and bed. No idiocy, no stupidity. That will come Thursday...

Y3 D54

You see my heart is racing because this shit never happens to me. CAN'T BREATHE RIGHT NOW...


Okay, I am on a precipice. I am on that delicate balance between having fun and fucking up. The difference this time is that I am catching it early. I see it -- and I am going to be smart about it. I will NOT make the same mistakes this time. I will not let the little head think for the big head. I will not get cocky. I will be grateful, thankful, and enjoy it all for what it is while keeping focus on what's important -- the kid, the job, the sanity.

I do find it amusing that not more than, what two? three? days after I post about realizing I need to move forward that my confidence does return and look at what happened. And guess what, it happened again last night. Only the one this time thank goodness. I trained all day and that went well according to the client daily feedback sheets. There were no bad comments or anything inappropriate. Good. After the class we did a happy hour with a few of the students and one in particular was having a great time. He was a dog off his leash on a beach full of bitches in heat. He was just letting loose and going at it. Him and I hit it off of course. I am taking him out Wednesday night. After happy hour one of the sales guys and I took one of the other clients out for dinner. It was me, the sales guy, one of our engineers and four folks from the client. Everyone had a good time, good food, good wine. I was right on the cusp but kept myself in check (I hope? I think? We shall find out today when I walk back into the classroom). After dinner one of the guys still wanted to go out. He's 23 and the rest of the folks he was with are my age. I happened to get a text from LO2 saying she was up in the city with friends and they were going to Dethgild - a goth industrial club that actually the kid wants to go to. So I grab the client, get a ride from the sales guy and off to the club we go. LO2 is out front waiting for us with her friends. I was in full Peter Murphy mode. Unlike the other club I go to, these kids knew me for what I was and that I was the kind of guy who was doing this shit before they were born, but it was my kind of place. The five of us grab a booth and I go off to get a drink. When I get back the client is gone. I start freaking out because I lost the client. I am trying to figure out how the fuck I am going to explain this in the morning but finally just go with it. We decided to leave around 11:30 and as we are heading to the car I hear this 'HEY THERE YOU ARE!'. Here comes the client drunker than shit stumbling towards us. He is talking about how he met these cool folks and was hanging with them at the pizza place next door. Okay, crisis averted. We get him back to his hotel and then LO2 and I get a ride back to my place. We are in bed before midnight. By bed I mean having sex. BUT I knew I couldn't fuck up. I had to keep it together and made sure we were up and out by 5:30. There was some blood on the sheets and we both were trying to figure out whose it was. I put her on a train home and I took a train in to the office. Now here it is 7:30, I am looking okay except for the bruise on my neck which I have a Rockstar against right now. My clothes are clean, I smell okay, and I am ready to go. HERE'S where I need to watch it -- nothing of what happened last night will come up today. Period. I will be professional and ready to work. Wish me luck.

LO2 and I are seeing each other again Thursday. We had a good talk last night about what we are doing and it seems like we are on the same page. Let's see how that goes.

Y3 D53

The kid and I didn't talk about what happened Saturday night. Is that good or bad, I don't know. I think the reality is this job is stressing her out too much to worry about who her father is banging. She worked from 11-8 yesterday and came home exhausted. She had to close by herself for the first time and it really got to her. Could I have done a better job in preparing her for what real work is going to be like? No, probably not. This is one of those things she has to find out on her own. But she has my support.

Hung around the house all day. My friends came over around 5:30 for another DnD session. We played about 3 hours. Was a fun time.

Around 9:30 I got a text from LO2 asking how my back was doing. You see, what I realized when I got into the show yesterday is that those girls left me with quite the souvenir. My back is covered in nail marks. Deep welts running up and down both sides of my body and straight across my back. Plus there are random hickeys on my neck, back, and thighs. When I got into the shower yesterday I screamed because of the stinging. I told her they still itched and she replied that I should be ready to get more. Damn. Damn. Damn...

I had a long talk about this with my friend who brought them over to the bar. She did not judge or chastise me about it, but she did say I need to be smart and realize this is sex and just sex. I told her I knew that but at the same time if I am having regular sex it lets me be smarter about the other relationship choices I make. If I have some outlet for physical contact, then I am less likely to mistake real feelings for feelings of lust. She understood where I was coming from on this. And I get it too. These aren't just words. You know how deep the need in me for physical contact goes. If I have someone who is there to help fill that part, then it allows me to be open to the possibility of someone filling the other empty spaces.

Off to work. Long day ahead of me. 9 hours of training where I am the co-instructor, followed by a meet and greet, followed by a client dinner.

Y3 D52

9 months, 24 days and the drought is over. Oh yeah. The only problem is I am going to Hell in a first class seat for what I did last night. Yes, I ended my drought, but not just with one, but two, yes two, girls. That's not the bad part. The bad part? They were 18, almost 19. Yeah, I know. But damn. What a way to ended a losing streak. 5 hours with two girls with more energy than me on five rockstars. And everyone was sober. Of course the kid is pissed off at me because I brought them home. She never saw them, and they just left. The kid is still asleep so there is nothing to make her mad in my mind. She needs to realize that this is part of adulthood and having a roommate. Yes, I am her father, but I am also a man who is single. At least I am not her fucking mother pretending things are alright and full of shit about things. Yes, your father has sex, okay fine not usually with two girls, but deal with it.

For the most part the rest of yesterday was pretty uneventful. I took the kid to work around a quarter to five, did my grocery shopping, came home, had laundry done by 7:30, went to target at 8, cleaned the house, picked the kid up at 10, took a nap while they went shopping, then we watched Blue Velvet, made dinner of pork chops, mac & cheese, and salad. We watched a couple of X-Files and headed out to the show.

It was at the pre-show that I met the girls. They were at the bar so I thought they were of legal drinking age. One of the cast brought them over from the line because we had a late call time and they were standing there bored. I started flirting with one and we started making out before the show and she expressed an interest in going home with me. I pointedly asked her about her friend - who was driving, do they a need ride first, etc. She said she talked to her friend and they didn't want to separate. I *jokingly* said fine, then either she watches or it's a threesome. She replied with let me talk to her. Next thing I know I am taking two girls back to my place and well, you can figure it out.

I have to clean the house for DnD tonight and the kid works from 11-8. This is going to be an interesting day...

Y3 D51

I am up way too fucking early for a Saturday morning. Ugh. I am up for the kid. She has to open this morning and I need my car today and it's too early and too cold for me to make her walk. I need a couple of grand to take care of her car which would eliminate this issue once and for all.

Anyway, yesterday was pretty good. I got a new piercing. Inner cartilage known as the daith (pronounced doth for the record). I REALLY like it. It's subtle, it doesn't hurt and it looks freakin' cool. 16 gauge CBR. Did it after work. Back up a little. With yesterday's ramblings I forgot to mention something cool -- one of the kids friends from her old area came up to visit on Thursday. I am pretty impressed at her too. 17.5 year old girl gets on a six hour Amtrak ride, takes a one hour bus, and then a 25 minute train to our house. No issues, no complaints. Very impressed.

The kid and her friend bummed around the city yesterday while I was at work. Work went well. I did some more work on training manuals to get ready for a class on Monday. We have 17 students showing up Monday and I am going to TA the first two days of training. I have a client dinner Monday night which is going to make for a long day, but I will deal with that then.

After work, I take a cab over to the piercing place as it is one of the highest recommended places for ink and piercing. Been around since 89 with almost all original staff. These folks are my age and have been doing this for 20 years. Talked to the piercer about what I wanted and breathe in....exhale bam. New earring. Very little pain, almost no blood. It's supposed to be an easy area to maintain too.

Came home on the train and then headed out to a coffee shop to listen to some music and support a local cause. I was invited by a friend who came to my birthday party and wanted to say thank you by supporting their event. It was nice. Went with my old friend who has been going through some stuff and I knew he needed a safe and sane night out. We hung out until about 10 and then I headed home. Good day, early night. Now time to take the kid to work and a show tonight. This is her friend's first time. Yeah, that's going to be fun...

Y3 D50

I need to stop worrying about 'used to' so much. I 'used to' vacation in X, I 'used to' eat here, I 'used to' -- you get the point. It's in the past and it should stay there. It doesn't mean I shouldn't learn both the positive and negatives from those experiences, nor should I discount the positives of the memories, but I need to stop feeling so fucking sorry for all the things I 'used to' have and focus on the things I DO have. Like:

- a damn good kid who I am proud of

- a job that so far is turning out okay

- a path to get a grip on my finances

- a roof over my head

- a vehicle that runs and is insured

- food in my fridge

- clothes on my back

- friends who care about me for who I am not what I have

- the chance to be who I am more than who I am not

Sure, there are things I miss about my previous life, but it doesn't mean they won't come again. I am in transition. I am the caterpillar going through metamorphosis, Maybe if I spent less time worrying about all the 'used to' shit, I could see the forest for the trees and realize my life isn't so fucking bad most of the time. It's all cyclical and maybe, just maybe, I am on the ride up. I have to look forward and embrace the things that are now and the goals of tomorrow. No, this isn't some self-help bullshit. It's my brain getting tired of listening to me whine. It's my subconscious pushing it's way to the front because it's tired of the crap. Is it because I am finally sleeping again? My brain is able to get some much needed and over due rest? Is it because I have 'given up' fighting the past and instead have let it go? He who forgets the past is doomed to repeat it. True, but it doesn't mean you need to stay buried and stuck in the past. Learn from it, wave at it every now and then, but leave it.

I used to be so big and strong  -- wait, used to be? 

I used to know my right from wrong -- not really. I still don't and probably never will

I used to never be afraid -- True. And when I peel back the layers, I see I'm still not afraid

I USED TO BE SOMEBODY -- Who says I'm not? 

I used to have something inside -- No.It's always been empty. Just filled with material bullshit

Now just this hole that's open wide -- And it's time to close it for good

I used to want it all  -- Still do

I used to be somebody -- And I know I still fucking am.

And what I used to think was me, is just a fading memory. I looked him right in the eye and said GOODBYE.

Y3 D49

Only one episode of X-Files last night because the kid and I watched one of the movies on her 'list'. See, she has this magic list of movies that she wants to watch and last night we decided on The Crow. I forgot how good that movie was. Sad thing it was one of X2's and my favorite movies so for me it was a little hard to watch, but I formed a new memory watching it with kid.

Another busy morning at work and it looks like that's not going to change any time soon. I apparently am being tagged as 'the morning guy' which works for me, but gets old after a while. I am getting a new client today in the UK. Sigh. Okay.

Worked on training manuals for next week yesterday too. That was enjoyable. You know how I love doing the training.

A week ago was my birthday. Nothing is any different or changed, but a week has gone by and here I am still. Yippee.

Y3 D48

Another busy morning at work. Having two east coast clients and one right upstairs from my office is insane. Seemed like they all wanted everything at the same time. Well duh, they're clients, right? It's not like I should be surprised. I did also get involved with some training stuff yesterday which was fun. Our director of training is realizing she is a little over her head and reached out for some help. She has 12 people showing up next week for a training class and is nowhere near being ready with courseware. I plan to attend the first two days to help her out. Especially since four of the students are my client.

After work came home and made chicken and waffles for dinner, watched three X-Files, went to bed. Back in the groove I would say. Nothing going on upstairs much either. Been forcing myself not to think about anything at all to keep the mask of sanity on. Not much else I can do, eh?

Y3 D47

Another night of serious REM sleep. I could get used to this. Actually sleeping all the way through the night. What a concept. Still insufficient sleep, but better sleep that's for sure.

Yesterday at work was extremely stressful in the morning. It seemed like everybody wanted their shit taken care of all at the same time. And since the clients are all east coast, they had been up and ready to go for a while which made them even pissier. No one was mad or anything they were just being impatient because they felt their day was half over already. I finally got everyone calmed and taken care of by around 1 but it left a drain on me. I was discombobulated for most of the afternoon.

Got home though and things were cool. Made fish tacos for dinner and watched three episodes of X-Files. The kid was a little stressed because she is thinking about work and school and how to handle all of it. I told her I would help her in anyway I could. She was grateful and really just needs help getting to her placement tests in a week. I told her of course. Now I need to figure out how to get her to her placement tests. Cest la vie.

Here's hoping today is a slightly less stressful day at work.

Y3 D46

Got everything done that I wanted to do yesterday. My house is finally back in order, everything is rewired, apps all downloaded to new phone, etc, etc, etc. Spent the entire day in the house since the kid had my car. Also had a chance to spend a lot of time thinking yesterday because I was by myself. The kid had another full 8 hour day. She worked from 11:30 to 8:30 which gave me plenty of time to be introspective. Especially since I was up even earlier than before she left.

I was thinking about some of the comments made Saturday to me about my party on Friday. Most of the comments were about the other people I had invited. Seems like they were too far out of their element. In total there were over 30 people there and 9 or 10 were people not on cast. People I didn't just meet in the last year. Many of them were having fun and were socializing with cast folks and there was not issue. But a few of them were cold and rude to cast members. That isn't cool. What I realized yesterday is that it's not that these are mean people it's just they're not my friends any more. They are part of the past that needs to stay in the past. When I stepped back and thought about who was rude it was because they had been 'our' friends, not 'my' friends. I see that now. They are the kind of people who do dinner parties with couples. Their idea of going out for drinks is a fancy bottle of wine at an upscale place, not sucking down shots from some girl's chest. Which I did at least 4 times that I can remember. I must have looked like some alien creature to them.

Well it's cool. I just won't be inviting them to anything else any time soon. Matter of fact, they probably won't be hearing from me again which will suit all of us just fine. I am not going to lose any sleep over this one. I hadn't seen these people in at least six months or more except for one of them. And she can piss off. Every time I have seen her it's been drama anyway, so screw it. Done and done.

Kid got home around 9 and we went to 7-11 as we both wanted something sweet for dessert. I got a slurpee. It just sounded good.

Time to start the week. Busy schedule at work this week.

Y3 D45

Slept like the bloody dead last night. Solid frickin' REM sleep too. Had some awesome dreams. In one I was in Italy having cheese. In another I was having the most incredible Japanese food. I guess I need to eat more?

Had a fantastic day yesterday. Woke up without a hangover even though later I felt some of the after effects of Friday night slipping in. But I pushed through them and just enjoyed the day. Weather was great, things weren't a problem, etc. I went out in the morning and had to deal with my phone which wasn't fun. My phone was a brick when I got up. It's was having problems lately getting stuck on the boot loader screen. What I believe happened is the up button got stuck or damaged and when you push power plus the up button it takes it to the loader screen. I took it into the store and they couldn't get it to respond either. I could either send it away for $100 to fix (out of warranty, no extended plan) or get a new phone. Gee, guess what I did? They did give it to me at upgrade price which is cool AND I have 14 days to try and get my old one working again. Otherwise I now own a Droid X2. I have to rebuild all my stuff on there which is one of my tasks for today. Got home from taking care of that and a quick Target run and took a little nap. Not a big one, just enough to get me through the show last night. When I got up I worked on re-wiring all my electronics which are still strewn about from my recent rearranging of furniture. I worked on that for a little while, enough to get things ready for final plugin. See, I moved the giant buffet thing I had into a new spot, gutted it, and tried to put the electronics in it. Everything was fine but the center speaker. I ended up having to saw out a large chunk to fit the center speaker, but now it looks like a custom setup. As if it was meant to be there all the time. That did take longer than I wanted, but I am happy with the final outcome. After that, the kid and I played a little Alice and then got ready for the show.

GOOD show last night. I love that theater. Everything is so well designed except for our space. But the stage, the lighting, the sound, all that is perfect. We just have to contort to fit into our little spaces, but so worth it. And it's an early show at that theater. AND we only had six of us which forced us all to pay attention and be on top of everything. Made for a great show and we were home by 1am. Love it.

Today the kid works from 11:30 until 8 I think so I have all day to relax and finish up cleaning the house. I am actually looking forward to it.

Y3 D44

One minute I am having a conversation the next I am waking up in bed fully clothed. Yep. One of those nights. Work was good yesterday; I started with a 5:30am conference call with a client, then a training session with a client, then an install. I spent at least 5 hours on the phone yesterday with people. But I really felt like I was accomplishing something. Feels good to be part of the team finally.

After work, I went home and got ready for my BIG party. So many more people than I expected showed up last night. I invited like 90 because if I didn't invite certain people I would have never heard the end of it. I knew not all of them would show, but I had to invite them. I expected about 10, maybe 12 to actually show. My last sober count? 23. Nice. I guess I am loved despite what I think.

Got to the bar around 7 with my DD. I knew I was going to be off the deep end and I already had arranged a driver. I may be old, but sometimes even I am not stupid. People came, people went, I got presents, I got shots, I got shots in breasts, and I didn't spend a fucking penny. THAT is the best part. My friends really came through for me last night. Made me feel very loved, made sure I got home in one piece, and were there. I mean really there. I am pretty blank on a lot of the night after a certain point, but I did wake up with all my clothes, all my gifts, but no shoes. I think I tracked down my shoes, but otherwise everything is here.

I haven't talked to the kid yet so I don't know how her day went. I have a show tonight which should fill in some of the blanks.

Y3 D43

Why does somebody always come and piss on my parade? I finally start feeling good about myself and wham I end up finishing my night off crying.

I went to work yesterday and was doing okay. I received a lot of birthday well wishes throughout the day from people both online and via phone. I had a SMALL get together last night where I invited a small group of people who I knew would be comfortable at a certain bar. Not because I didn't want people there, but because I knew it was a Thursday and it isn't everyone's kind of place. That's why I am having a second party at a different venue tonight. Much larger, outside area, etc. A place we as a cast typically go where they know how to handle a rowdy group.

There were FIVE of us at the bar and around 8 we decided to go to the club where our friend is a DJ. LAST MINUTE decision. Not pre-planned at all. We grab the kid and another friend and head into the city at 9:30. I am home before midnight, in bed and ready to start today when at 1am I get a text from my director 'oh I guess our invite to XXX got lost in the mail'. WTF??? It wasn't pre-planned, we didn't stay out late, and I really can't picture them driving into the city on a Thursday night. Wow, okay I am not allowed to have a life that doesn't include them? I am not allowed to make last minute plans? Sorry for not inviting you at the last minute so you could say no? I go from feeling happy that I was home safe, that I didn't spend any money, that I had a good time to feeling like shit because I didn't include two people last minute. Thanks, thanks a fucking lot.

I saw they also changed their rsvp for tonight's event to no. Fuck them. I will do their show on Saturday but it's going to be real cold.

Y3 D42

Happy fucking birthday to me. 3rd one since my divorce, 3rd one alone. It's a fucking Thursday on top of it. No one will be around to do anything tonight. Yes, I am having a party tomorrow, but that's tomorrow.

Worked was okay yesterday. Night was okay. Wore masks all day and night. Kept all this hidden. Smile. You're on candid camera. Play nice with all the people. Make them think you're normal. Make them think you're not about to explode.

Six years to go. Life better change.

Y3 D41

The thoughts are pushing very hard right now. All I picture is pools of blood. My blood. Smeared across the walls and ending it all. Pure blackness. I am in so much agony inside my head. I want to scream but feel like I have no mouth. I feel hopeless and alone. I feel like every movement of my body is a giant exertion and I can't take much more. I am tired of just trying to 'keep going'. Can't it all just be over? Nothing makes sense any more. The despair is creeping up on me like a shadow. No joy from anything. I tried thinking of things that brought me pleasure in the past and why I don't do them any more. I came up blank. I need to run. I need to run until my blood flows like battery acid. I want to delete everything. All presence on the web. I want to not exist. To be a ghost. Maybe then the memories and the thoughts will subside. Constant connection is not the panacea they promised. 24 hour access to everything, everyone, all the time is not the savior. It's hell. It's damnation. It's ripping my soul out and leaving me empty and less connected than ever before. Instead, let me vanish in the crowd. Let me be anonymous. Everyone I know goes away in the end. I am unlovable, undesirable, unwanted. I am every un- there has ever been. I have no life. Nothing more than existence. I take up space. I want to be invisible. My life is a series of meaningless minutes that string together into meaningless hours and meaningless days. My birthday? Fuck that. Another reminder of everything I HAVEN'T accomplished? Of everything I have LOST? Of everything I will NEVER have again?

9 minutes.

How I wish.

How I wish I could have the courage. I am too weak. Just like everything else I am a failure at being a failure. I can't even destroy things properly. The only person in the world who can fuck up at fucking up. I wish I had the strength to give up. I wish I had the courage to push that person in front of the bus. To drive the car into oncoming traffic. To pour nitroglycerin into the computers in every office building. To light the world on fire. To be the spark that makes it burn. But I can't. I am weak. I am not the person I wish I was. I don't fuck like I want to. I don't look like I want to. I need an imaginary friend. I need someone to be me for a little while. Be the me I want to be but can't break free long enough to be.

8 minutes.

Yeah. Sure. Then what? I click 'Save' and I do exactly what I don't want to do in paragraph one. I leave another trace. Another footprint. Another remnant of a life not worth living. An excuse for an existence. Alone. Silent. Afraid. Angry. Frustrated. Tired. Resigned. Erased.

I am damaged beyond repair. Cannot fix this broken machine.

Yes, I quote. I quote because the words express what my feeble mind can't. I don't have the words to say the things I want to say. Can't you tell from the ramblings on the last 800 posts? It's all just a jumbled mess unless I quote. The words allow me to say what I don't know how to say on my own.

Quiet. Inside my head. All around me things keep going. I wonder if anyone else feels like this. I wonder how they cope and how they function. How does the average person not want to blow their fucking head off every single day.

I dislike the guy who sits next to me. He is too loud. Too arrogant. A reflection? Maybe. But not here. Here I am something else. I am not the same person I am elsewhere. I am never the same person. I am just whatever mask I need to wear for the situation. The father. The employee. The stranger. The performer. All masks. Here I am free. Free to be who I really am, in print at least. And to do that sometimes I need to take words from other's mouths. I have spent so long wearing masks I don't have words of my own. The thoughts I can call my own are diseased and damaged. There is nothing but noise. Static.

Did I mention LO texted me on Sunday? She finally responded to my drunken ramblings I sent here a week earlier. It was one of those late night texts where I told her how I missed her. Nothing bad or evil, just that I missed her. Silly. Holding on to once again something I can never have. She didn't respond for almost a week. That bruised the ego even further. Then randomly on Sunday she texts back apologizing for taking so long to get back to me. And that I should never apologize, nor should I say 'never'. Some day she said. Who knows what can happen she said. Then she goes on to tell me she wants her first tattoo. She wants my approval on the ink itself and where she puts it on her body. Why my approval? Am I ever going to see it? Am I ever going to run my fingers over the spot where she marks herself? I don't know, but I seriously doubt it.

Running my fingers over skin. Feeling the warmth of blood flowing through the body. I long for it. I need it. I desire it. Someone touching me in return. Despite being a psycho bitch, one moment sticks in my mind - waking up to find her staring at my chest tracing the ink with her fingers. A quiet intimate moment that meant so much. She could have killed me right then and I would have still remembered the pleasure of her fingers running over my chest. The times X2 would run her fingers over my back in the dark. The small moments of physical connection without words.

No words.

As much as I write I long for the silence. The moments where more is said in nothing than a thousand speeches or a million words in print. The moments where there is nothing but the connection of persons and they KNOW the silence says more. The silence of pleasure. The silence of anger. It doesn't matter because a connection is made. A true connection. Not just another surface fleeting moment. No. The moment that is etched in your brain until you die. I have those. They burn and scream at me. They taunt me on a daily basis. I feel them still. I know they are possible and yet like the butterfly so far out of reach. I can't have them right now. I don't think I can ever have them again. It's all so...

There, I have done it again. I have run out of coherent thoughts. It's jumbled again. All together in one screaming blinding flash of pain. So much blood for such a tiny hole.

I need someone to hold on to.

It's still getting worse after everything I've tried. What if I found a way to wash it all aside? What if she touches with those fingertips as the words spill out like fire from her lips? If she says come inside I'll come inside for her. If she says give it all I'll give everything to her. I still dream of lips I never should have kissed. Well she knows exactly what I can't resist. She's turning me into someone else. Every day I hope and pray that this will end.But when I can I do it all again. As surely as the blade's course is run, maybe my kingdom's finally come.

I don't know what's going to happen, but what can I say to you? Will "I'm sorry" make a difference? Will it ease the pain? The shame you must be feeling? Forgive me, please.

Y3 D40

It was 1984 at my house last night. No not the book or anything surreal like that, literally it felt like 1984. Why? I was playing a Dead Boy's RECORD (yes, actual vinyl) while some friends, the kid, and me all played D&D. I know. I know. But it was the kid's first exposure and she had fun. She rolled an assassin and we did a small campaign to get everyone familiar with the rules. I was playing with kids who weren't even alive when I first played D&D.

During the day, we ran a couple of errands, came home, did some more rearranging around the house, watched a few X-Files episodes, and had dinner. I made crawdads, mac&cheese, and corn on the cob.

I did meet up with a friend for coffee in the afternoon. She is looking for work and did what's known as a 'networking' meeting. It's where you invite a friend to a non-threatening locale and then casually ask about jobs and work without coming right out and asking. It's actually very effective.

42 hours until my birthday.

Y3D39

Managed to accomplish almost all of my goals yesterday. Kitty litter was handled, laundry is now done, furniture is all rearranged and the wall is painted. I still have crap everywhere and I have to rewire the entire place but otherwise I managed to knock out everything I wanted to get done. The kid enjoyed herself at the museum but came home and went right back to bed for two hours. Other than running a few errands I spent the day inside and without human contact. Just the way I wanted it. People kept trying to reach out to me but I ignored them by choice. More of the same today. Yes, it's 4th of July but I also don't care. I don't have friends who invite me places like BBQs or boating or any of that normal people shit. No, I am not the kind of person people include in their plans. So fuck it. Fine. Stop trying. Stop caring. Stay inside my hole and let the world keep on moving by me. Doesn't fucking matter anyway. 64 hours until my birthday.

Y3 D38

I almost kicked someone off cast last night with approval from my director. I don't care how stressed you think you are - you do NOT yell at me in front of the rest of the cast when I am simply trying to get shit done. I am the department co-head, not some guy off the street. I am still pretty pissed off at this person and we shall see how the week goes as I have to see him again on Friday.

Other than that minor blip the day was okay. Got up in the morning and ran a couple of quick errands with the kid. She needed to go over to her new job to try and find out her schedule. She finally explained to me why she has been so stressed. It's because she's afraid all these delays on her starting will cause them to say they don't need her after all. I told her not to worry about it and this is just the way things sometimes happen. She felt better after talking to someone inside and them telling her to start Wednesday at 8am for computer training.

After that we came back home, relaxed, watched some X-Files, napped, finished the first Alice, started the second, and headed to the show. We had a crazy show. It was one year ago that I decided to join cast. It will be still one more month before I started on cast, but it was the 4th of July show where I decided to become a cast member. A decision that has altered my life in many ways for good. Plus this was my birthday show. I did the music last night and then got my birthday spanking. Was really high on all the energy and love I was feeling from the cast. Really made my night. Until I was yelled at by a jerk. Like I said, I am still a little pissed about that. Didn't even go to pie because of it. Was home by 3:30 and in bed by 3:45.

The kid is off to the museum with her grandmother today. I am going to do laundry, paint a wall, kitty litter changing, and re-arrange furniture while she is gone. Let's see how much of those lofty goals I actually get accomplished.

Y3 D37

Slept like a fucking baby last night. Actually managed to get almost 8 hours of sleep too. Went to bed around 11:30, woke up at 3:30 and said fuck this. Went back to bed until 7. Been meandering around the house for an hour not doing much of anything. It's quiet today and I like it.

Had a good day at work yesterday. We had another one of our office parties and I made a cake for it. It was a fourth of july theme so I made a red velvet cake with white frosting and blue sprinkles. Everyone appeared to enjoy it. Plus I got to work with the CEO on a problem we are having with a client. Since he wrote the original application it's only fitting he get involved when the shit breaks. Did a little shopping at lunch. I did get a check as promised from J which allowed me to do a little birthday shopping. Spent about $100 and got some new clothes. Big sales were going on and I was able to pick up a couple of things pretty cheap. I went with one of my co-workers and she of course blamed me because she spent $800 and that made me evil. Sorry if the clothes looked good on you. Should I have lied? Plus it's your fiance's money baby so don't be acting like YOU have to pay the bill.

After work the kid and I went over to our director's house for a birthday party. Couple of the kids on cast turned 21 and we had to get them trashed. It's a rule. I did fine. Had one bottle of wine over 4 hours. No issues. Matter of fact I was one of the more sober people there which made for an interesting time. It's always weird to be sober in a room full of drunk people. You can only handle so much before you just have to go 'done, going home'. Which is what we did.

Tonight is my birthday show. Still depressed about my birthday but nothing I can do about it either.

Y3 D36

Maybe you're right. Maybe I do try too hard. But it's not to be "liked", rather to be accepted. To be loved for who I am not who I am wanted to be. I don't hide things anymore because I want to be taken for all I have to offer. I don't know.

A miracle did happen. I got a *small* check from J yesterday. Amazing. She still owes me a shit ton of money but at this point I am happy to get anything from her. Otherwise it was a pretty uneventful day. Work. Commute. X-files. Bed. Kid went to her first union meeting and training class. Fucking unions. They want her, an 18 year old part time worker, to pay a $400 initiation fee and then $400 a year in dues. I tried keeping my opinion to myself but unfortunately I stressed her out. Sometimes she is like her mother, too emotional about things. I am going to try and keep my mouth shut on this one, but still, it's fucked in my mind.