Y3 D50

I need to stop worrying about 'used to' so much. I 'used to' vacation in X, I 'used to' eat here, I 'used to' -- you get the point. It's in the past and it should stay there. It doesn't mean I shouldn't learn both the positive and negatives from those experiences, nor should I discount the positives of the memories, but I need to stop feeling so fucking sorry for all the things I 'used to' have and focus on the things I DO have. Like:

- a damn good kid who I am proud of

- a job that so far is turning out okay

- a path to get a grip on my finances

- a roof over my head

- a vehicle that runs and is insured

- food in my fridge

- clothes on my back

- friends who care about me for who I am not what I have

- the chance to be who I am more than who I am not

Sure, there are things I miss about my previous life, but it doesn't mean they won't come again. I am in transition. I am the caterpillar going through metamorphosis, Maybe if I spent less time worrying about all the 'used to' shit, I could see the forest for the trees and realize my life isn't so fucking bad most of the time. It's all cyclical and maybe, just maybe, I am on the ride up. I have to look forward and embrace the things that are now and the goals of tomorrow. No, this isn't some self-help bullshit. It's my brain getting tired of listening to me whine. It's my subconscious pushing it's way to the front because it's tired of the crap. Is it because I am finally sleeping again? My brain is able to get some much needed and over due rest? Is it because I have 'given up' fighting the past and instead have let it go? He who forgets the past is doomed to repeat it. True, but it doesn't mean you need to stay buried and stuck in the past. Learn from it, wave at it every now and then, but leave it.

I used to be so big and strong  -- wait, used to be? 

I used to know my right from wrong -- not really. I still don't and probably never will

I used to never be afraid -- True. And when I peel back the layers, I see I'm still not afraid

I USED TO BE SOMEBODY -- Who says I'm not? 

I used to have something inside -- No.It's always been empty. Just filled with material bullshit

Now just this hole that's open wide -- And it's time to close it for good

I used to want it all  -- Still do

I used to be somebody -- And I know I still fucking am.

And what I used to think was me, is just a fading memory. I looked him right in the eye and said GOODBYE.