Y3 D279

I wish I could say I was doing better inside. But I'm not. I never understood depression when I was younger and thought it was something that could be controlled. Of course in hindsight it turns out I was just masking my own depression with drugs and alcohol. Facing things head on shows you a different outlook on that. You see things for what they really are and realize you're a fucking mess. But the real truth I have learned is that true depression doesn't take on many of the outward signs one expects to see. The moping, the sadness, etc can all be masked behind a smile. I can say all day long 'nope, I am fine, nothing wrong here' with a great big smile while on the inside be screaming HELP ME.

Went to the client yesterday and had a mostly productive day. They keep their offices dark which while under normal circumstances is fine, for some reason bugged the hell out of me yesterday. Maybe because the desk they have me at also has boxes and crap stored all over it. I felt like I was in a closet with the supplies. Not a fun feeling when you already feeling trapped.

During the day one of my co-workers called and confirmed I am off to DC in two weeks. Leaving on the 11th which sucks because we were supposed to go to a concert on the 10th which can't happen now because I will have a 7am flight. The upside is since I am traveling on Sunday, then I will take Friday off and we will go to Disneyland for St Patrick's Day. That will be fun.

Came home around 5 and TGF came over before dance. She came to see the bird and hang out which was nice. The kid was in class until 9:15 so we had a few hours to relax, play with the bird, enjoy each other's company - is this love? Is this the feeling of happiness one gets when they are around someone and it turns to loneliness and longing when they leave? I feel so put together when she is around - not nervous, not scared, nothing but at peace. I don't have any of that new relationship jitters, but I also don't feel like I am taking her for granted or settling or any of the negative connotations. No, I am just filled when she is around. Sex or no sex, it's about being near her. The other day I was in the kitchen cooking and she just came in, kissed my cheek, rested her head on my shoulder for a moment and went back in the other room. Damn. I need that. It was perfect.

Now where do we go from here? Not with her, I am okay with her. I meant in my head.