Y6 D143

My sister sent me an email yesterday asking what was really eating at me and to make sure I didn't slip back into depression. No, this isn't depression I came to the conclusion last night. I have been able to manage my manic/depressant episodes much better in the last year - due in a large part to B - and this is different. It's frustration. Frustration that I am not where I was "supposed" to be. Frustration that I worked so hard and lost so much. Frustration at starting over and feeling too old to do it yet again. And it's not just me. I think it's a generational thing. Look at us. People who are 40-50 right now. We are a pretty fucked up generation. We were the first to have so much instant gratification we have fucked up so much as adults. Look at the foreclosures, short sales, and house issues. A large portion is right smack in that age range. I know of at least 6 people personally who have dealt with this in the last 5 years. Hell, most of us are on our second or third marriages. We aren't necessarily a generation of fuck-ups or under achievers, we just don't know how to deal with long term things. Everything we grew up with was instant. ATMs. CDs. 22 minutes of issues solved with a big hearty laugh at the end. The internet. Online ordering. We don't know how to manage or budget long term. Then they scared us to death telling us AIDS, Russians, Nuclear War - whatever - were going to kill us so live for now. Forget tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes. Die young. Too bad most of us didn't. Those of us that do eventually find some way of coping or handling things do so because we end up with partners NOT of the same age. Be it older or younger we know that people are own age are so fucked up we need to go up or down a generation to help balance things out. But that of course is ripe with it's own issues and dramas now isn't it? These are the things I ponder when I can't sleep. These are the thoughts running through my head at 2 in the morning. Where do I fit? What have I done? Why am I still going? All of these thoughts. Depression? Not really. Annoyance. Frustration. Better words.

Taught all day yesterday and it was a full class that went all day. A little over actually. I forget when I have big classes that these things are meant for this size and will take all day. I get spoiled when it's a small class and I finish 2 hours early. Nope not happening this week. After class I had so many emails that came through I spent another two hours working. 5-5 was my day yesterday. Today promises to be more of the same as it's the advanced version of yesterday and half the class are people from yesterday. Not all but half plus 4 or 5 new people.

I did get some cool mail yesterday. See above about being unable to manage our money. Anyway, my Tsum Tsums from Japan arrived. I now have Perry and Oswald. As well as my D23 membership packet. I am now an official D23 member. I can go to the show next year and can buy D23 exclusive merchandise in the park.

I didn't feel like cooking after class so we went out for Italian. I was so tired that when we got to the restaurant and then again when we got home, I clipped the curb in my car. Fucked my rims up on both the passenger and the driver side as I hit one at the restaurant and the other when we got back home. WTF.

Tried playing Sims but it decided it just wanted to lock up on me. So fuck it. Got tired of that after a while. Watched some TV with B and went to bed at 11. She came in some time after 1.

We also realized that starting Sunday we will be gone for 12 days straight. Need to do a bunch of laundry and make sure everything is situated before that comes around. Time to go teach the masses.