Y2 D137

Had a bad night last night. Went to bed at around 11, woke straight up at 1 with my heart racing. I don't know why either. I remember the dream I was having - I was riding a horse up a stairwell of a parking garage trying to get to the third floor. That's it. Nothing scary or freaky. I mean sure it was weird, but it wasn't anything that should have caused me to bolt upright like I did. I managed to fall back asleep but woke up no more than an hour later in sheer pain. My right shoulder was on fire. I guess I laid on it wrong or something but damn it hurt. The other day one of the comics I read had a similar theme. It was about how even though we sleep every night of our life, every now and then we have these freak out moments -- "Where do these arms go?!?!". It was one of those weird moments. Got my shoulder to stop hurting and fell back to sleep again. I woke up one more time a few hours later freaking out about what day it was. One of those "It's Sunday right??" moments. Ugh. Very tired this morning. Feel like I did a marathon between 11 and now.

Yesterday itself was uneventful. I obsessively cleaned like I planned. By that I mean I not only did a normal cleaning, but all those things you say you're going to clean if you can just find the time: baseboards, carpet runners, picture frames, etc. Took me 5 hours to do everything including hand washing dish towels, a couple of shirts, and the carpet runners. But damn if it wasn't worth it. I look around right now and everything just *feels* clean. I like that.

After that I went to the store, got some Rockstar, paper towels, and cat food. Whoo hoo. Came home, played video games, worked on a puzzle, had the leftover weird rice veggie burger thing I made Friday night, went to bed. Nice and boring. I did have one odd thoughts while I was cleaning. I need to tell X2's brother and sister to tell their parents not to send me a Christmas card this year. They sent me one last year and it had a newsletter in it. I don't want to see that this Christmas. I don't need to know what X2 has been up to this year. Can you believe I am thinking about Christmas already? It's not that far off. This year is almost over. So far I have survived. We are close to the 18 month mark in my writing/life since the event. Amazing.

Y2 D136

Yesterday went so so. Not mentally or emotionally a problem, just didn't get the results I was hoping for which kind of bummed me out. But not in a bad way. More in a normal person kind of way. No major mood swings going on which is a positive. I just didn't get some information that I was hoping for regarding the timeshare. Turns out that Starwood won't 'buy' it back. They will allow me to turn it over to them, but I lose everything. I instead have just under three months to either sell it or rent it to pay them $2800 or I lose it. But instead of getting pissed or depressed, I decided to be pro-active. I sent out emails and phone calls to a bunch of places that sell timeshares. Some good news came of that. I found out that my place is worth exactly what I paid for it 4 years ago which is great. If I can sell in time then I will not lose anything and have had the luxury of taking vacations in Hawaii, the Bahamas, and Europe. $10,000 worth of hotel charges plus not losing my money. Cool. The other thing I learned is that my place at this time of year rents for $2500-$3500 a week. Ok, there's another option. If I can slam a rental in there I can pay what I owe them, and still have my place. If I can pull that off, then I can do that a couple of more times and still keep the place until I can get back on track. See? Not stressing or freaking out, making a plan, seeing what I can do, and moving forward. Being smart. :) Going to send a few emails this weekend to some folks to see if I can rent it out. That will be the easiest thing to do. I will ask $2800 exactly what I owe. Not being greedy.

In other news, I worked yesterday thank goodness. Two different clients. Plus my bosses have me going to a training class next week. I am looking forward to that. I am going to take the train every day which will actually be fun. Get to feel 'urban' as it's in the city. I am looking forward to that and to learning something new. Kind of excited. That will be w-f. Just need to handle mon and tues.

Watched a couple of movies last night - Eraserhead and Altered States. Yeah, I know. My brain hurt afterwards. Let's see, what else...

Oh, I made room for the fridge. I just need to get the damn thing in here. Still struggling with that.

Ok time to go clean my house obsessively from top to bottom. All day project to keep me out of trouble and make me too tired to do anything else tonight. And for the record? Three weeks no booze as of today.

Y2 D135

I made some good decisions yesterday. Almost three weeks with no booze has really cleared my head I guess. Allowing me to see things and think things through better. Amazing at how clear life becomes when you aren't constantly in a haze. Anyway...

First I went to the what I used to call 'the poor people' grocery store. Guess what? I am one of the poor people now and there's no shame in admitting it. I decided I wanted some bread and cheese dammit and I ventured forth. Now, the reason it's the poor people store is they sell things that are slightly dented, overstocked, or near expiration. I am ok with that. I picked up a loaf of braid for half of what I pay normally and 4 times the amount of cheese I would regularly get. I saved roughly $5 on two items over the normal grocery store. The cheese is good for a while, but the bread I have to eat in a week. Not a problem. PB&J sandwiches will do me just fine for the next week thank you very much.

Smart move two will save me $80 a month. BUT this one is tricky. I realized yesterday that I have a storage unit I pay for every month. This is the bill I had to pay by Saturday. In said storage unit is ONE thing. A fridge. It doesn't fit in my apartment and I refuse to sell it. Why? Because this isn't your run of the mill fridge. This is a $5000 custom fridge. It is designed as an old 1950's icebox with bottom freezer and more chrome than a 57 Chevy. It's even in 57 Chevy red. It's my fridge. I made a big deal to X2 that it was my fridge and she wasn't getting her damn hands on it. I also looked it up and even though mine is two years old, it still sells for between 4800 - 6500 with shipping and tax. It is a serious fridge. I want to hold on to some part of my life and that fridge is part of that. Some day I will have a home again where I will be able to use that fridge. BUT I don't need to spend $80 a month storing it. I am working on getting it moved into my place. I don't know where the hell I am going to put it, but I will figure that out. I did some measuring last night and I think I have a spot. I need to move some stuff around this weekend and see if I can make room. It will make one hell of a conversation piece. I went and talked to the people at the storage unit to let them know I was planning on getting the item out and closing the account and they told me I have until the 19th before I get hit with late fees. Perfect. I just need to find someone to help me move it. If no one steps up before Saturday, I am going to hire pros. I started getting some quotes and it looks like it will be bout $150. This pays for itself in two months of not paying storage. Works for me.

The last smart thing I am about to do when I am done typing this. I own a timeshare with one of the major hotels. I have been holding on to it because I don't know how much it is worth or if I can even sell it in today's market. I am about to call them and find out the answers to those questions. If it is worth it, I will sell and pay off at least three of my debts. That will allow me to have around $700 more a month net that isn't going out in bills. This could be huge. I am a little nervous and disappointed, but if it solves the problem... More on the results of this tomorrow.

Ironically, all of this is what X2 wanted from me the whole time we were together. She wanted me to be realistic about my finances and our situation. It took hitting a really low point for reality to kick in and slap me in the face.

On a positive note, if this sale goes well, and I can make it through the end of the year, I think I am going to be alright in the end. I said something to a friend recently off the cuff, but the more I think about it, the truer it becomes. I said to him 'last year was about me getting straight with being divorced, this year is about getting straight with finances. Which means next year should be one of the best ever'. The longer I ponder that, the more it rings true for me.

I did work yesterday and I have more work today too which is good. Off to make phone calls...

Y2 D134

Wow what a day yesterday! It was so wild and incredible you're not going to believe it. Ready for this??

First thing I did was check my bank balance. My two big first of the month bills went out and I have $162 to last me until the 15th. Hey, it's better than zero. I have one more bill to pay on the 8th for $80 and then I am clean until the 15th. I will be late on two bills but so what. The one on the 8th I have to pay. So I will have roughly $80 to last me a week. If I am good, I can do it. I have enough gas to last me, and as of right now enough food. I decided yesterday that I will eat EVERYTHING in my house before I buy more groceries. It doesn't matter how weird the dinners end up being, I will eat what's here. Last night I had a salad. Tonight, rice and the last remaining garden burger. From there it's going to get strange. Beets and creamed corn anyone?

Once my heart rate came down from that stress I did some more work on learning new technology. Then, I assisted my boss on a client. From there it gets insane. First? I went to the store and got cigarettes. Then I did LAUNDRY! That's right baby, laundry. While laundry was going I then went ahead and cleaned my bathroom. Whoo, does the excitement end? Hell no! After the bathroom, I swept the patio!

I did spend about 3 hours getting ready for a training class Friday morning. I had to configure my machine to support the files. That was a challenge as it's a windows based set of files yet I made it work on a mac. Damn I'm good.

Following all that rush, I did dishes. Man oh man the fun never stops! To slow down a little, I started a new jigsaw puzzle. Oh yeah, wild shit baby! I finished the night off with some video gaming and then bed.

Today I have to be at a client to help out with something. I don't know if it will be more than a day, but at least it's a day of billable hours.

I did do something nice yesterday. It was X1's birthday and yeah, I sent her a text. Why not. It didn't kill me. I also heard from my sister. She was off to the doctor. Haven't heard back yet though. Still worried about her. My brother's wife is back in town and until she leaves I won't have any contact with him I figure. He is scheduled to have his case presented to the transplant committee tomorrow. We shall see what happens.

Off to the client...

Y2 D133

Started thinking about something scary yesterday. How long would it take before anyone noticed if I were dead? I mean seriously. I live alone.  I have no girlfriend. Think about it. A week like this where I am not assigned on any projects, or on a weekend, who would check? If I died today, Wednesday, how long before someone decided to check on me? Sure the first couple of days there would be emails and phone calls, but then what? Let's day I died on a Friday afternoon. Work would be done for the week so I could get away without answering any emails until Monday which means no one from work would think about it. If I didn't have a show then no one from cast would think twice. So realistically, if I died on a Friday afternoon, no one would even think to start looking for a body until Monday. That means they probably wouldn't find me until Tuesday or Wednesday. Five days I would be dead before anyone would check. Pretty scary, huh? You think the cat would start eating me by then? The bunnies would probably be going insane from no food, but since they can't get out, they wouldn't be able to eat my body. The cat on the other hand would be going nuts. Although she always has dry food. I might be okay for five days before she started nibbling on me...

Sat at home AGAIN yesterday. I realized I haven't left the house except a couple of times in almost two weeks. Good? Bad? Not sure. Lonely, that's for sure. 

Talked to my boss yesterday. He started going on about how I make more than 70% of the country blah blah blah. And I told him that it doesn't matter if I don't have enough to pay my bills, now does it? He also said that he would be glad to give me more hours if I am willing to work at some menial labor job. I said, fine, prove it. You have said that before, but it hasn't happened. This is why I am looking at these options. Plus I still don't have enough to survive MONTHLY. The quarterly bonuses don't help me if I can't make it monthly. I don't know how many different ways I can say that to him. I did warn him that if my check on the 15th is insufficient that I will be asking for a cash advance to pay my car registration as without that, I am useless to the company. He said he understood. Let's see what happens on the 15th. As of right now, I am sitting right on the cusp of being overdrawn. If I am *VERY* good for the next 10 days, I might make it. Of course this means I won't be leaving the house again.

I am supposed to have some hours tomorrow. Let's see if that happens. So far this quarter is not starting out well for me.

Y2 D132

I used to be so big and strong I used to know my right from wrong I used to never be afraid I used to be somebody I used to have something inside now just this hole that's open wide I used to want it all... I USED TO BE SOMEBODY....


I didn't even leave the house yesterday. Still sitting. Still waiting. I finally sent my bosses off the message that I am looking for second job. One of them had the nerve to reply with "there's no need to panic, we are working on getting you more hours and one of the reasons your package is so high is because of the travel". Fuck you. My 'package' isn't cutting it. I don't know how many times I have to say that to them. The quarterly bonuses don't mean shit if I can't survive monthly. That's just not sinking in their heads. I can't MAKE it to the quarter bonus which isn't that much anyway. Fucking dense.

I did spend the day learning some new technology though. Why? Because in part it makes me more valuable to the company and will allow me to be put on more projects, but also because it's a challenge. I want to challenge myself to learn this particular product. I spent about 6 hours working on the core piece of the functions yesterday. I should be ready today to move to the second part of the process. Kind of fun. I do like learning new stuff. Now if I only get the chance to apply it somewhere, that would be nice.

Y2 D131

Heard from my sister yesterday. She is not doing well. She had a bad episode which is making it hard for her to speak or move. Poor kid, I feel for her. I wish there was something I could do, but unfortunately this is out of my hands.

Spent the day pretty much in the house. Went to Target at one point with the intention of buying some razors and shaving cream. But when I got there and started walking around I realized that I didn't really need them. I have soap and so what if the razor is a little dull. A couple of scratches on my face won't kill me.

How sad is that? I am so screwed right now that I have to actually debate buying razors and shaving cream. Something that I would have NEVER thought twice about. Geez that's messed up. I just put my little basket down and walked out of the store. Was disgusted that I had to have a moment like that.

Came back home and played Dragon Age for 4 hours. Yep. That was it. Then I watched stupid animated shows and went to bed.

Laid there for a couple of hours stressing out before finally just passing out. I guess my brain just had enough?

Couple of side notes -- Today is October 4th. So far this month I have stayed to a couple of goals I have for October. No booze, no meat, reduced smoke intake, and some other little things I want to accomplish. So far so good. I actually haven't had a drink in over two weeks. I have been a pure vegetarian for three days now. I reduced my cigarette intake by 15% yesterday and I stuck to my other goals (they're dumb little things like make sure I put on a moisturizer twice a day). I would like to see if I can make it to the end of the month and hit all my goals.

One of my friends asked me why I am doing these things. Honestly? Because I need to feel in control of SOMETHING right now. At the very least it gives me something to focus on and feel like I succeeded at something this month. This year. This life...

I also am trying to lose 11 pounds total this month. Why 11? And I know some of you will think I am insane trying to lose ANY weight but I have never been (at least not in the last 20 years) below 150. As of the 1st I was at 160. I want to see as a challenge if I can hit 149. Just because.

Y2 D130

Just got home. What is it, 4 something... Long day/night/day. Did a show. It's nice doing the show sober. I actually remember it. I was on top of things, my director gave me a compliment, it was all in all a good time. I think I am going to lay down for a few hours though. I am pretty tired.

I am still stressed out. Friday was rough. I got some bad news from my brother. They aren't presenting him to the transplant committee until the 8th because when he went in for his tests the other day, he had put weight back on from when they checked him out of the hospital. Big no-no. He is back up to 293 which is really bad. They need him to be at LEAST what he was when he checked out if not less. So now he has to sit and wait.

I haven't heard from my sister so I don't know how she is doing. I will call her later today to see how things are faring for her.

Then to add more stress, I got paid Friday and it's already all gone. Seriously. Gone. Rent and four bills. Poof. My car registration is due in a couple of weeks and I have no idea how I am going to pay it. Plus my insurance expired a month ago which means they won't let me register my car unless I can show proof. So now I have to figure out how to come up with money for registration, new insurance, and all my other bills without going overdrawn before the 15th. Once again, I am fucked.

Tired now. Too much thinking. Easier to just close my eyes...

Y2 D129

What happened to us man? What happened to the ideals of changing the world? What happened to the poets, the lovers, those who were going to change the world? When did we turn into slaves? I can't do drugs in my own home but it's ok for the pharmaceutical companies to shove pills down my throat for every little cough or hiccup? For anything doesn't conform to the standards there's a pill. Don't have any kind of individual thought that would be wrong. Here have a pill to flat line you. Be one of us. Be one of the beautiful people. Fuck that. I still want to change the world. I just don't know how any more. My doctor thinks there is something wrong with me mentally. Well no shit Sherlock - we are the first generation who was the by-product of drugs, revolution, television, and capitalism all rolled into one. No wonder we are fucked up. We don't know what's going on in our heads. Our parents are rejects who feel it's ok to have their identities taken from them and put in car commercials and pills for hard-ons. Everyone is a goddamn sell out.

Not me baby.

Yeah right. I wish.

I am just as bad. Look in my closet. Look around me. I struggle with the desire to have, the desire to not want, the desire to expand my mind, the desire to fit in. We are one fucked up generation. We don't know what we want.

I try though. I won't take the pill. You can't change my brain. This is the brain I was born with and the one which with I will die. It's mine. I won't let you fuck up the chemical process. I can do that all on my own thank you very much.  

Y2 D128

Had a complete and utter breakdown yesterday. Found myself crying for no real reason. People don't understand. They think I am exaggerating how bad it is inside my head. I don't need drugs, I don't need God, I need help. I am in a hole so deep all I see is blackness. I see no escape. I see no light at the end of the tunnel, not even a train.

And don't tell me things happen for a reason. Don't tell me it's all part of God's plan. I have had it with your god that doesn't exist. I get no comfort from your placations and your empty promises of a better tomorrow. I am in today. Today is all that matter and today is fucked.

How? How did I get like this? I wasn't like this two years ago. I wasn't like this five years ago. Or maybe I was but there were enough layers of insulation around everything that I could maintain a mask of sanity. Now, that is gone. It is slipping and slipping fast. I hurt. I hurt inside more than people can imagine. More than they can comprehend. I need to find solace somewhere. 

I feel so overwhelmed. I can't function like a normal human being anymore. I try. I put myself through the paces, but it doesn't help. It just hurts more. I feel so useless. I feel like I can't do a goddamn thing right.

I am supposed to go to a birthday party tonight, but I probably won't go because that would mean spending money on a present and putting gas in the car. Neither of which I can do. I will send out an apology email saying I am stuck at work to avoid going. It will be better that way. Plus this way I won't be around booze or anything where I might be tempted to make a bad decision. 

No, I will just hide in the house yet again. Smarter that way. Safer that way.

Even the kid is worried about me. She texted me this morning asking how I was doing. I told her I was fine. She never needs to know how bad I am doing. I don't ever want her worrying about me. She has enough on her plate to deal with that she doesn't need to worry about her old man too.

Today is the 1st. Have to figure out how I am going to pay rent and everything else that is due without ending up at zero. I don't think it will be possible. I am going to be overdrawn again in about a week once all the bills go out. Nothing I can do about it.