ANA Y1 D106

I slept in this morning. I had to most solid sleep I have had in quite a while. I slept from roughly midnight until 4:30 without waking up. 4.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Amazing. I then fell back to sleep for almost another 3 hours. Almost 8 hours of sleep!! Who is this person that does this? What is up with this? Crazy! I still feel poopy but the sleep helped for sure.

Did some work yesterday, Moved almost all of the furniture out of the guest room. The rest goes today. That will be my game room before the weekend is over. Then we can move shit out of the office. I will have them in the basement by the end of the month. That's my goal. I really want to start living as independent lives as possible come October or November. This way if they finish school in December and can move out in January, I will have had plenty of time to adjust. 

Took the cat to the vet yesterday. Possible thyroid problems. I will no more today. The doctor is calling me sometime this morning. I should know more in the next couple of hours. Hopefully it will be something minor. Can't take losing another one.

Last night went over to friend's house and helped install ceiling fans. Got two out of three done before I ran out of light. One more to go. Probably do it today some time. 

Got home around 10:30, had late night taco bell with B. After went off to bed while they went downstairs to talk on the phone. Works for me. Today they are hanging out with another of theirs, I am going off to biker boy's house for pizza and a movie. 

ANA Y1 D105

Sorry about yesterday's post. I was not doing well. I ended up going back to sleep for many hours. Here's the story; I have been fighting a low level cold all week. I have taken two COVID tests, both negative, so it is just an end of summer cold. Nothing fancy or crazy. I decided Wednesday night I wanted to really crash so B gave me an edible. Then they gave me a second because "these aren't very strong". Mind you, this is the same person who took 100mg last night and barely felt anything. Me, not knowing anything, said okay and took took. 40mg total. Add to that a shot of NyQuil and I was fucked up. Like BAD fucked up. I was just spinning and having a really bad trip. I ended up sleeping for like an hour because it was just rough. I got up yesterday normal time, said fuck this, because I was still high. Slept until almost 10. Even then I was still feeling lingering effects. So no, me and edibles don't mix. 

As for Wednesday itself, I got some shit accomplished. I finished a webinar that I will be delivering next month. Had REALLY good Caribbean food with gf. Like some of the top food I've had here. Very pleased with that. But otherwise it was a pretty mellow day. Just tried to take it easy.

Yesterday was the hangover from hell, but still managed to get some stuff done. We started moving the guest room down into the basement. Time to give B their own space. Until I move my office, there's no point in them sleeping down here, but at least they will have a private space at night where they can hang out, watch TV, talk to cgf, masturbate, etc. Plus it will help me start to separate. They had a moment yesterday where it hit them that they're giving up a nice house for an unknown. More than likely some apartment where they will have neighbors, and not be able to do anything, etc. They got sad about it. Oh well. This is all your decision babe, not mine. 

The best part though from yesterday for me was B shared some stuff. Apparently cgf is NOT into the whole poly thing ironically. They have asked B to be monogamous for a while. Waa-waa. B is bent about this as you might imagine. But wait, it gets better. They go tell smurf gf this news and oh no, I have caught feelings for you and was going to ask you to be exclusive with me. Oh no. No seriously. So now they've got one who doesn't want them to fuck, one who wants to only fuck them, and one who is a depressed crazy person. Should have just stuck with me eh? Would have been MUCH easier. Nope. You had to go and get all fancy. Sucks to be you.

Last night I picked a friend up at the mechanic, had dinner with him, then went to his apartment and watched Love and Thunder. It was okay. Too much going on for me. Came home, went to bed around 10:30 and slept until 5:30. I needed some solid sleep. Today I have therapy, a vet appointment, then helping another friend install some ceiling fans. Need to charge my Makita. I don't have a lot planned for the weekend either. Going to just take it easy.

ANA Y1 D104

 Edibles and me don't mix. More later.

ANA Y1 D103

I am ready for B to be gone. Honestly. Yesterday they had me questioning if something is wrong with me. First off, they saw or talked to ALL of their hoes yesterday. They spent like 5 hours with one, a 2 hour visit at midnight with the other, but then the big issue was MULTIPLE hours long phone calls with CGF. That's where my questioning started. Since CGF is now in Alaska, there's a 4 hour time difference. Yesterday she calls B at noon, so 8am her time. I try to be polite and excuse myself. Let them have space, right? I then decide 90 minutes later to go upstairs and realize I need something in the bedroom. I find them asleep, STILL ON THE PHONE like a fucking teenager. Apparently they told CGF they wanted a nap and CGF said leave the phone connected while I do errands! WTF? Who does that? How fucking creepy is that? You sleep while I shop and watch! Then when B wakes up, they stay on the phone for like another hour. But then, after getting home at 2am from blue smurf, they immediately get back on the phone with CGF until 3:30am. Are you kidding me? Grow the fuck up. You're 30 years old. I am so done with children. I really am.

Me, I worked on a new webinar, got it mostly complete. Finishing it up this morning then moving on to another. Went to group, got home around 11. That was my life. Basic, boring, and adult. I didn't sit at home like an old person, but I also didn't push myself and split my attention three different ways. Just done. Bye bye. Go now. What I need is for them to start packing up their office, get their shit out of there, paint it, and then I can move my shit in. Then we can move the guest room shit, and voila, they have their own space and I can stop caring even more. 

Oh, why was I questioning myself? Because it makes me wonder if I am not 'romantic' or 'cutesy' enough. Is there something wrong that I don't want to hang out with this many people in one day let alone one week? Am I weird for not wanting someone watch me sleep? Maybe. But I don't know, I guess I am okay with that? I really do expect to be alone for a while. I will keep my gf and possibly add a few more play toys, but otherwise, I need my space for a while. Indefinitely to be fair. I just don't need any of this drama. Focus on me and my life. Then I can just go and die somewhere.

ANA Y1 D102

I think I am catching a cold. Not COVID, just a normal stupid cold. Weather changing and all that shit. Plus I have been running my body ragged the last few weeks and it's catching up to me. I'll probably take some Nyquil before bed and see if that helps.

Yesterday turned out to be bleh. Neither of us felt like going to the fair to be honest. We ended up going to a cider mill with B's gf instead. It's still awkward trying to have them as my friend too, but I am getting there. As weird as that sounds. I need to keep doing shit like this to be able to lose all of my jealousy and possessiveness towards B. We are done in that way. Get over it. This is what I am telling myself at least. If I could just get my brain to believe it. We did have a little talk about things yesterday. Nothing major. Just about some of how this hard for me because I feel some days how they are acting like the last 9 years of our life didn't happen. It's hard to see them get excited to see someone the same way they used to get excited for me. But again, I was done with this relationship months ago. We all know it. It's here in writing. Go back to entries from this time last year and I was already pondering if it was time to stop. I've done my crying and my complaining. At this point, I just am ready to move forward. They need to finish their certification, get a job, and go. Sigh. Soon enough.

Documentation week ahead of me. Joy. Luckily it's already tuesday which means group tonight. Get out of the house. GF on Wednesday, helping a friend with installing fans on Thursday. No plans for the weekend yet. Yes, have to think that far ahead or I will go insane.

ANA Y1 D101

Another day without having to take meds. Another day without having to pop pills. Another day without a tinnitus flareup. That's a big one. Progress kids, progress. Once again, saw B for 20 minutes or so all day. It was a good 20 minutes though to be honest. We have even moved to a point of cheek kisses. It came unexpectedly from them too. We're getting there. We can be friends is what I am seeing. This is good. Even the friend I went to the mall with yesterday commented in the car how he could feel the shift in the dynamic between us. He was surprised at how light things felt in the house compared to when he last saw us together. 

Yesterday as planned, I went to the mall with my friend. While I was gone, B started packing up their pins for sale. They decided to sell of their HP pins for two reasons. First, fuck JK Rowling. But more importantly, they knew they had some solid pins. As a result, they got $3500 for them all. Yep. Talk about a nice little starting nest egg for B. I convinced them to put $500 towards debt, the rest in savings. Did I tell you all about this already? I honestly can't remember. Regardless, the process a taking all the pins down, securing the backs, wrapping them, etc, took B all day. I got home around 3pm and they were just finishing up. We went and got them some more packing material, and they are ready to ship! Woo! 

At the mall, I got some new shoes for fall as well as some really cool Peanuts Converse. I love them. Otherwise, not much else going on. It was just nice to be out of the house. Spent time with my friend and didn't worry about what else was going on. B went out to the gf's house around 4:30 to study. I had some leftovers for dinner, then went and hung out at my friend's place. We had root beer floats and watched American Horror Stories. I should point out that when we moved here and for the last 15 years, this has been B's friend primarily. Over the last 2 months though, things have shifted. Since B doesn't have time to talk to people, he is slowing becoming my friend primarily. Oops. Sorry about that. I got home around 10 and B got home shortly after. I went to bed around 11. Around 11:30 B came in and told me that gf was coming over because they got into a big fight with their parents and had to get out. They ended up staying until 2am. What happened? Well, apparently having B over so much is causing people to be annoyed because the parents want to go to bed at an earlier time and B being there is in the way and the noise and the this and the that. Kind of bullshit if you ask me. However, this is where I scratch my head. You're 38 years old. You have a 10 year old kid. You're a blue haired gig worker living in your parent's house. WTF? Not really the best of situations if you ask me. I don't get how these people function. Maybe because I have never been in a place where I had family to turn to? I don't know. I just don't get it. I have never asked B about the gf's past, but now I am curious. Where's the kid's dad? Were they married? What happened? I need to know.

We're supposed to go to the fair today. I know B is going to be pissy when I wake them up at 10:30 as planned. Tough. I didn't tell you to stay up until 3am listening to other people's problems. I plan on enjoying myself. Running into people I know, hanging out, having a corn dog and funnel cake. I'm going to enjoy my day one way or another.

ANA Y1 D100

Told you I wouldn't see B yesterday. They went out at 8:45am and I didn't get home until 1am. They were not surprisingly already in bed and almost asleep. They had a long day which again didn't come as a shock. I accomplished a lot myself. Didn't do all that much, but got some stuff done. I found myself slipping into old behavior last night and need to watch that. The universe at one point helped. More in a second.

After B left in the morning I started my projects. I got three ceiling fans installed. One in each of the upstairs bedrooms. I am very happy with how they came out. I managed to get one done, then headed to my hair appointment. Not happy with my new stylist. Plus my new pieces aren't arriving until October. Also not cool. My normal girl is going to fix everything though. She promised. I am ordering the tape and stuff she needs this week. She will fix me. 

Got back home, finished the other two fans. Made a steak for dinner and headed out. Was at the bar from around 8:30 until a little after midnight. Brought a friend so had to drive them home first. Hence, not getting home until 1am. While I was there I ordered three drinks. I didn't want the 3rd and was really regretting it. I am also paying for it this morning. I had about half of it left when the table I was at got bumped and it spilled. Good. I didn't need it anyway. 

Went to bed around 2. Slept in until 7:30. Heading to the mall at 10:30 with a friend today. B is supposedly either doing schoolwork or hanging out with friends. Don't know which, don't care. Just trying to live my own life.

ANA Y1 D99

Technically it's day 112. I just counted. 112 days. Fucking bizarre.

Yesterday was a good day. Didn't quite go as planned, but that's okay. I also would like to point out it is eerily quiet right now in this house. With us being down one tank, there is less noise coming from the basement, But more importantly, my head is quiet. I haven't had a flare up in over 24 hours. It's silent up there which is amazing. Why? Because I am good. I am not caring. No, not in an I've given up sort of way. This isn't depression not caring, this is I've got my own stuff going on, I'm moving forward, I see a future sort of way. I'm making steps towards my own future. That's still very scary and I don't know what kind of future I am going to have, but it's steps. Apparently this is good enough for my brain because it's not triggering the damaged parts of me and causing my ears to scream. This is progress.

Anyway, I went to therapy yesterday morning. Had a really good session. My therapist is also proud of me and happy with where I am. Haven't had to take a buspar in two days either. Didn't spend the entire session yelling or breaking down. Nope. I am good. Now, I did share with her the validation I received yesterday. That was met with no shock or surprise. They too were happy to see that things I have been complaining about are happening to other people. This was clear all day too when our, now more my, friend spent the day messaging me. The best part was when B and I were in the same room unknown to him. He was messaging both of us, but what I was getting was detailed messages and what B was getting was polite yes short messages. I smiled at that.

After therapy I had a good marketing meeting where we planned out some new webinars in October and December. Dear god, we're planning out December already? Wow. Crazy. But here we are looking at 2023 stuff too. Insane. This month starting on the 12th, I am teaching for two weeks straight. Back into busy season. That makes me happy too. When my meeting was done, I had some food, and did a little more work. B headed out around 11:30am and they were going chiropractor, a friend's house, and who knows what else. I honestly didn't expect to see them until very late if at all. Imagine my surprise when they were back home around 5:30 and stayed home. Shocking. Threw my plans off, but it's okay. 

I took a nap and when I got up I went out to get ceiling fans. Now have three new ceiling fans to install this weekend. Probably get two of them done today. At the very least one. Goal would be all three, but I am trying to be realistic. It will take about an hour per each one so if I can get two done I will be happy. B brought home boxes yesterday which means I can start packing some stuff up, like the light fixtures. I would also like to see them start packing up their office to allow me to move into that room. But as I discussed with my therapist, it's been 100 days. Slow down. No rush. Plenty of time ahead of me.

We did manage to get the old fridge out of the garage. Sold it for $250 to our other friend who is going through a divorce. He was telling us some horror stories and we both promised to not be like that ever. There was one more almost pathetic moments yesterday. CGF called B and was weepy again. They are so emotional it's not even funny. Way more than I would have ever thought. Maybe that's what B likes about them? I don't know. I can see that getting annoying over time. Ordered myself Persian food for dinner and unfortunately didn't know B was going to be here so got enough for myself. Whoops. Figure out your own situation. They got some good news. Like me, they are trying to get rid of stuff. They decided to sell their pins we've bought over the years. They found a collector and got offered $3500 for the whole collection. A low ball price for sure, but it's money for B and they need it. We agreed to put $500 on their credit card, the rest into their savings. A good head start for them. I should make them use it all on debt, but playing nice for now.

Since they were home, I let them watch TV with me but also didn't care if they were on their phone the whole time. I wasn't going to have my plans thrown off. We did have to go over to our other friend's house because we were worried about them. They had a rough day and when they wouldn't answer the phone it freaked us out. Luckily they were just so tired they had crashed at 7pm. I need to check on them today.

Speaking of today, I have a hair appointment at 12:30 with a new stylist. Not happy about that. Then heading to the club around 8pm. B is heading to that memorial around 9 and won't be home until late. Wouldn't want to trade places with them today. You have fun comforting your lesbian. No thanks. I will go dance and have a good time. Let the holiday weekend begin.

ANA Y1 D98

Been up a while but it's payday hence it's bill day. Took care of business first and foremost because that's what I do. It is going to be so much easier without B. I know that sounds so mean, but it's true. Thousands per month will be saved. I can actually start putting more money away. I am not going to end up in a spiral like I did last time. I will spend more nights at home. Some of them will be alone, but that's okay. Take tonight for example. I have had a busy fucking week and I plan on making tonight a self care night. Nice bath, order in some dinner, catch up on TV, go to bed at a decent time. I know, crazy right? I might go pick up the ceiling fans I want later, but that's about it. I have a busy weekend especially since it's a holiday, so I need to refresh my strength tonight. But in the future I will find a schedule that works for me. Given my current calendar, Tuesdays and probably Thursdays will be guaranteed nights out for me. Both involve social activities of a nature. One group, one partner stuff. Such as last night.

I did have a good time last night. Got me in some physical touch with the gf. Much needed time together. Sex is getting weirder and weirder thanks to the hormones, but it is what it is. It was just nice to get some physical touch. We were together for about 2.5 hours. A reasonable amount of time. I got home at about 10:30. B wasn't home and I didn't expect them until much later, but I was surprised when they came in around 11pm. They of course didn't go to bed until 2:30. I have come to realize they are now calling CGF every night but they have to wait until around midnight because of time changes. But it will be interesting to see if this curtails other activities so they can make sure they are home to call CGF.

Something validating did happen last night. B sent me a screenshot of a conversation between them and a mutual friend. Said friend has been lamenting to me how they feel B has pulled away, is not present, it's the same one we went roller skating with and he expressed these feelings. Well, he tried to call B last night and they didn't answer. He messaged and was like hey I need to talk, feeling down. B snapped at him. Why? Because they were too busy with their blue haired smurf to be bothered. B asked me later about it and I was like, I have no opinion. Staying out of this one kids. I called the friend on my way home from gfs and him and I talked for about 30 minutes. Basically I explained to him that this is how the last two months of my life has been. Say or do something innocent and get jumped on. Try and interrupt their playtime and get yelled at. It was nice to see someone else experiencing the same shit. This is the second of B's friends who has said to me that they see the friendship being destroyed. One of them doesn't see it recovering. This would be the one I went to NC with in July.

Speaking of NC, I have been chatting with a new girl. We were talking about last places traveled and they also recently went to NC. Just a random coincidence. This girl lives a bit away from me, but it wouldn't be a bad booty call to keep on speed dial. They will be in this area on the 15th and we're going out then. If we hit it off, so be it. If not, new friend. On that front, I had lunch with a new friend yesterday. Someone I think I can hang out with on occasion. We had simple lunch and nice talk. They're closer to my age and it was nice talking with another adult. Too many children around me lately.

Therapy soon, then a meeting, then nothing. May go pick up ceiling fans tonight to have them ready for the weekend project. I am replacing the light fixtures in all three rooms to make me feel more "my house". B is getting boxes tonight which will start freeing up the office for me to move in. Get the guest room cleared out and move them in to the basement. Bye bye baby.

ANA Y1 D97

Yesterday, specifically last night, was the day I have been waiting for to happen. Waiting for the shoe to drop if you will. It's been a week since shit went down and I knew it would only be a matter of time before B started pushing things. Specifically one thing they said I knew was coming. I worked on my stuff all day and they went over to gf's to study. All expected and good so far. We went out last night to the club to support our friend who was competing in the drag finals. I knew they would try and invite the gf. I just fucking knew it. Ready for it. As if on script, before they got home, they messaged me saying they did exactly that. Look people, I have been watching trends and patterns in data for 25 years. Very little comes as a shock to me. The easiest thing to predict is human fucking behavior. When they got home they asked if I saw the message. Of course I saw the message. That led into a brief yet serious discussion. I said sure, but I am not mentally ready for them to be showing any PDA in public yet. That set them off. "I can't tell anyone." "I worry you think the marriage can be saved." Things like this and a half dozen other things. Sorry, no. This has nothing to do with it. I need to come to terms with things. That's what this is about. Slow the fuck down for five minutes. Look, I get it. I have waited my entire life to transition and I wish everything could happen all at once. But it doesn't. If you want to rush me, if you want to push me, then all deals are off. I need to slow down a little. I am trying to just get used to hanging out with you and your gf to make sure we can do this whole friend thing. This is brand new ground for me. I am so used to just BAM it's over. I want this to work. I explained to them my whole closure thing. I explained to them the whole "last" thing. They got it. Not 100% happy, but again, they see that I am not trying to control them but instead protect my mental health. It's a tenuous truce if you will, but a truce was had. They also talked about something they have come to learn in therapy. Most people would assume that B had some kind of parental, specifically daddy, issues marrying me. Nope. It was their godfather who was murdered. Outspoken, eccentric, full of life, kind, energetic - words they would have used to describe both of us. They were very close to him and when they lost that person in their life it left a big hole. A hole for me to fill. An interesting and not out of the blue take. They have often spoke fondly of him and how empty they felt losing him in their teenage years. I came along at just the right time when they were still grieving him. But it's good to hear these things out loud. 

We did go to the club with the gf and I was okay. There were a couple of little moments but overall, I was able to hang out with both of them and not feel the anxiety I am feeling now writing about it in retrospect. One of these days I will stop overthinking things in the morning hours. Oh speaking of morning hours, we didn't get home until 2 something, in bed at 2:30, up at 6:30. I am running on very little sleep right now. But I will survive. It's what I do. 

I did do something for me yesterday. Went and got a new piercing. Got my septum pierced. I like it. Got a 16 gauge CBR. It's subtle and small and I like it. We got on the topic of piercings last night and B was saying they are considering nipple piercings. I really just kind of had to shake my head. That's one I don't find attractive. This is what I am talking about though. Just as I am changing into someone that doesn't work for them, the same is true in reverse. Two things I don't like - tongue and nipple piercings. I think they look trashy. Sorry, I do. My preference and I am allowed to have it. But it just shows that even if things weren't happening the way they are, we were moving down different paths regardless. It's okay. We're getting ahead of it too. By doing it our way we aren't devolving. Yesterday showed there will be bumps, but we did alright compared to a lot of other people. We will get there in one piece. I am sure of it.

More work today, then lunch with new friend, then sex. Yay sex!