Yesterday, specifically last night, was the day I have been waiting for to happen. Waiting for the shoe to drop if you will. It's been a week since shit went down and I knew it would only be a matter of time before B started pushing things. Specifically one thing they said I knew was coming. I worked on my stuff all day and they went over to gf's to study. All expected and good so far. We went out last night to the club to support our friend who was competing in the drag finals. I knew they would try and invite the gf. I just fucking knew it. Ready for it. As if on script, before they got home, they messaged me saying they did exactly that. Look people, I have been watching trends and patterns in data for 25 years. Very little comes as a shock to me. The easiest thing to predict is human fucking behavior. When they got home they asked if I saw the message. Of course I saw the message. That led into a brief yet serious discussion. I said sure, but I am not mentally ready for them to be showing any PDA in public yet. That set them off. "I can't tell anyone." "I worry you think the marriage can be saved." Things like this and a half dozen other things. Sorry, no. This has nothing to do with it. I need to come to terms with things. That's what this is about. Slow the fuck down for five minutes. Look, I get it. I have waited my entire life to transition and I wish everything could happen all at once. But it doesn't. If you want to rush me, if you want to push me, then all deals are off. I need to slow down a little. I am trying to just get used to hanging out with you and your gf to make sure we can do this whole friend thing. This is brand new ground for me. I am so used to just BAM it's over. I want this to work. I explained to them my whole closure thing. I explained to them the whole "last" thing. They got it. Not 100% happy, but again, they see that I am not trying to control them but instead protect my mental health. It's a tenuous truce if you will, but a truce was had. They also talked about something they have come to learn in therapy. Most people would assume that B had some kind of parental, specifically daddy, issues marrying me. Nope. It was their godfather who was murdered. Outspoken, eccentric, full of life, kind, energetic - words they would have used to describe both of us. They were very close to him and when they lost that person in their life it left a big hole. A hole for me to fill. An interesting and not out of the blue take. They have often spoke fondly of him and how empty they felt losing him in their teenage years. I came along at just the right time when they were still grieving him. But it's good to hear these things out loud.
We did go to the club with the gf and I was okay. There were a couple of little moments but overall, I was able to hang out with both of them and not feel the anxiety I am feeling now writing about it in retrospect. One of these days I will stop overthinking things in the morning hours. Oh speaking of morning hours, we didn't get home until 2 something, in bed at 2:30, up at 6:30. I am running on very little sleep right now. But I will survive. It's what I do.
I did do something for me yesterday. Went and got a new piercing. Got my septum pierced. I like it. Got a 16 gauge CBR. It's subtle and small and I like it. We got on the topic of piercings last night and B was saying they are considering nipple piercings. I really just kind of had to shake my head. That's one I don't find attractive. This is what I am talking about though. Just as I am changing into someone that doesn't work for them, the same is true in reverse. Two things I don't like - tongue and nipple piercings. I think they look trashy. Sorry, I do. My preference and I am allowed to have it. But it just shows that even if things weren't happening the way they are, we were moving down different paths regardless. It's okay. We're getting ahead of it too. By doing it our way we aren't devolving. Yesterday showed there will be bumps, but we did alright compared to a lot of other people. We will get there in one piece. I am sure of it.
More work today, then lunch with new friend, then sex. Yay sex!
No comments:
Post a Comment