ANA Y1 D120

I never understood Katrina and her waves, but I get them now. Hi kids. Yes, I am still doing great. I had another 3 hour video chat with NG last night. I am turning into B. Look I know I was chastising them for doing this shit very recently but I get it now, okay? I still think some of the stuff they're doing is weird and creepy like the whole "let me watch you while you sleep" but the general hanging out part, I get it. We just hung out while I did stuff in my office and she tried out some makeup looks for a concert tomorrow. I get it. I just want to be in the same room as her. It doesn't matter what we're doing, just as long as we do it together. 

Speaking of my office, I got very frustrated last night. I need some way of getting two network cables run upstairs. I can't go through the wall because I am dealing with an outside wall and it stuffed with insulation. I don't want to start cutting holes in my floor for the obvious reasons. I can't use wireless because of performance issues. I am very frustrated. I am going to approach it again from a different angle today, but goddamn it's annoying. I just need two tiny cables to move my ass upstairs. That's it. Once those cables are up there, B can have this entire downstairs. I must get this done today. 

I had a good day yesterday otherwise, cable issues aside. I had a good therapy session where we discussed why it is I tend to be attracted to and want to hang out with younger people. It's an energy thing. People my age all seem to settle. They get too comfortable and don't want to do anything or learn anything or try anything new any more. I can't. I just can't. You know how I feel:

Something has to change.
Undeniable dilemma.
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear.
Constant over-stimulation numbs me
But I would not want you
Any other way.
Just not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said
I don't want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive

Such truth. I need it. So bad. The thought of stagnation scares me more than anything else in this world. So yes, the attraction of youth, energy, wide eyed innocence. Bring it on. I also told my therapist I was about to repeat the cycle. I'm okay with it. If I get another 10 years, great. 5 even. Let me have this before I die. I don't want to sit on a porch somewhere and play with grandkids. Fuck that. Better to burn out than fade away.

We also discussed why I knew it was time to eliminate one thing from my life. We talked at length about my apathy towards gf. Why I just couldn't get motivated enough to want to be with them. It all goes hand in hand. I saw them moving nowhere. I saw them focused on one fucking thing - their kids. I don't have time for that. They will never escape their situation. They don't have the motivation to do so. Nope. Not for me. They don't want new experiences. They don't want to do anything because they're a victim of their own mind. 

Speaking of  new adventures, NG and I figured out a way to see each other earlier than originally planned. I am going next weekend to Grand Rapids for the day to go to Art Prize. A big city wide art exhibit. We're going to meet up, spend the day together, and enjoy exploring. I can't wait. Just one week and I can see her again in person. In the meantime, lots of video chats and messaging. The weekend will be here before you know it. I will be bouncing off the walls all week. 

Today is cable issue, a new dresser is being delivered, and that's about it. I must get the cable thing resolved come hell or high water.