Y2 D288

Have you ever been so frustrated and lonely you just want to jump? I swear to God I am trying to do the best I fucking can but every time I think I am moving forward I get shot in the fucking face and slammed backwards.

Yesterday something that was SUPPOSED to be good news turned slowly into shit and I have something else going on which is stressing me the fuck out.

Remember that drive that crashed a week or two ago? The one with 10 years of pictures on it? It was sitting disassembled on the floor next to me yesterday and for shits and giggles I decided to plug it in. Wonder of wonders, it spun up! I started copying files off like a madman. This of course turned from joy to sadness as I started watching directory names transfer over. People and places I have been trying to forget crawling across the screen. Worse yet, things I used to do before. My old cars, trips I have taken, things I have done -- all floating across the screen in a taunt.

Which coupled with the other news just made things worse. Since Feb was a short month expense checks are late. They won't be here until Tues or Weds of next week. That was money I was counting on as it's my fucking money. This is money I have already spent for the company and you'd think they wouldn't sit on it. Oh wait, the company doesn't give a fuck about me...

I realized yesterday that 85% of my bills go out between the 1st and 15th. That means everything in the first paycheck of the month is allocated to bills. I have to be either very careful with the last paycheck of the month to make sure I have something left or have no unplanned bills before the 15th. In this case, both factors came into play. I had enough to pay my bills when I realized my motorcycle insurance was due on the 8th. It's a quarterly payment which is why I didn't think about it. Problem is, between that and normal bills, I will have $28 to last me until the 18th when I get paid next. And I have no gas. And I have to figure out to drive 100 miles to a client next week. I will probably have to take the motorcycle and risk freezing my ass off and possibly getting sick from the cold. As long as it doesn't rain. I also only have enough food in the house to last me until Saturday. That means that Sunday - Thursday will be very interesting days.  My only salvation will be when that expense check gets here. That is $400+ which will be more than enough for gas and food. I just need to survive until it gets here. And I need to make sure nothing else unplanned goes through the bank. That's the next thing I am checking after posting this.

In other stuff, in order to keep my mind off things last night, I reformatted one of my old laptops and put Windows 7 on it. I decided I want to use it as a media center device. I have it mapped to my music, pictures, and movies directory on the mac, and then have it connected to the Xbox. This way I can use it to play movies or music straight from there. It's sitting with a long ass network cable in the living room right now. If I feel like it later, I will see about making pretty and integrating it into the rest of the entertainment center.