Y2 D305

It fascinates me sometimes how being part of the cast and doing shows has changed me. Not always in large direct ways either. Just in some subtle ways. Like the fact that I was sitting having pie at 4 in the morning with friends. It felt right and normal. It's the little changes like this that make me pause sometimes. Some of my attitudes about things have changed too. How I look at certain people, how I sleep, etc. I feel more in tune with who I really am on the inside. I also reflect back not just on the last year, but going back 4 or 5 years ago, how damn domesticated I had become. I wasn't getting home at 4 am, I was getting up for work. Or leaving the house to be in the city on a Saturday night at 9pm versus putting on cozy clothes and watching a movie and falling asleep on the couch. I am not saying there is anything wrong with either as they both can be satisfying, but when one becomes your focus at the cost of the other and eats you alive inside, it can be a problem.

Stayed inside during the day yesterday mostly. Cleaned the bunnies, made cookies, stayed mellow for the show. I did try to take a nap yesterday afternoon and had the worst X2 dream I have had in a long time. I mean this one was photorealistic and just hit me where it hurts. We were at what was supposed to be my place and for some reason she had come into to town for work and was having a conference call. She had this 33" computer with her and was all like perfect and she started in on me about money and my lifestyle and made me feel like an idiot because I once again wasn't where SHE thought I was supposed to be. We could interpret that 9 ways to Sunday, but the easiest is how I feel like I am a disappointment to myself. She is that part of my subconscious that is upset with things and it manifests itself in my dreams as her. Do I really believe that? A little bit. There are definitely times where I feel I could have done things different.

But here I am. I am 42 year old nutcase, alone, doing live theater with a bunch of other nutjobs, and for the most part lately, happy. It is what it is.