Y3 D280

I have very supportive friends. Thank god for that. But yet what damage am I doing to them? I am a destroyer. I am ruiner. Midas had a touch of gold, I have a touch of shit. I break. I hurt. You wonder why I like NIN lyrics so much? Because they are true. Everyone I know goes away in the end. You can have it all. My empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.


Time doesn't move backwards unfortunately. Only forwards. Only closer to the abyss and the hole. To the grave of worms and dirt. There is no escape. There is no magic way to turn it all back and undo every increasingly bad decision I have ever made.

I sit in the dark because it's where I belong. Alone in the dark. Waiting for the inevitable. Waiting for the last moments of light to be taken away from me.

Y3 D279

I wish I could say I was doing better inside. But I'm not. I never understood depression when I was younger and thought it was something that could be controlled. Of course in hindsight it turns out I was just masking my own depression with drugs and alcohol. Facing things head on shows you a different outlook on that. You see things for what they really are and realize you're a fucking mess. But the real truth I have learned is that true depression doesn't take on many of the outward signs one expects to see. The moping, the sadness, etc can all be masked behind a smile. I can say all day long 'nope, I am fine, nothing wrong here' with a great big smile while on the inside be screaming HELP ME.

Went to the client yesterday and had a mostly productive day. They keep their offices dark which while under normal circumstances is fine, for some reason bugged the hell out of me yesterday. Maybe because the desk they have me at also has boxes and crap stored all over it. I felt like I was in a closet with the supplies. Not a fun feeling when you already feeling trapped.

During the day one of my co-workers called and confirmed I am off to DC in two weeks. Leaving on the 11th which sucks because we were supposed to go to a concert on the 10th which can't happen now because I will have a 7am flight. The upside is since I am traveling on Sunday, then I will take Friday off and we will go to Disneyland for St Patrick's Day. That will be fun.

Came home around 5 and TGF came over before dance. She came to see the bird and hang out which was nice. The kid was in class until 9:15 so we had a few hours to relax, play with the bird, enjoy each other's company - is this love? Is this the feeling of happiness one gets when they are around someone and it turns to loneliness and longing when they leave? I feel so put together when she is around - not nervous, not scared, nothing but at peace. I don't have any of that new relationship jitters, but I also don't feel like I am taking her for granted or settling or any of the negative connotations. No, I am just filled when she is around. Sex or no sex, it's about being near her. The other day I was in the kitchen cooking and she just came in, kissed my cheek, rested her head on my shoulder for a moment and went back in the other room. Damn. I need that. It was perfect.

Now where do we go from here? Not with her, I am okay with her. I meant in my head.

Y3 D278

I feel myself slipping again. Not for any real reason unfortunately. Possibly lack of sleep, possibly things piling up in my brain. Starting to feel useless again. Hating myself. Hating my situation. Hating life. This is it? This is everything it has to offer? This is my contribution to the world? This is how I will spend my end days? Useless? Backwards? Confused?

Spoiled the bird yesterday. I got up at 7 to feed her with only 3.5 hours sleep. TGF finally got up later and we went to the pet store. Bought little stuff. Her cage looks like Disneyland. She is acclimating better to the house and the sounds and smells. She is now living in my room to keep her away from the cat.

TGF went home around 4. I made food for me, the kid, and KBF. KBF went home around 7. I went to bed at 9. I was that tired.

I don't know what I am doing right now again. Feel very lost.

Y3 D277

Was up at 6:30 yesterday 'feeding the baby'. Only a few days of this thank goodness. I shouldn't even be up now. Didn't go to bed until 3:30am. But the bird needs to be spoon fed for a couple more days. So I am up. Not happy, but up. Man, this is like ugh.

Had a quiet day yesterday. Went to the grocery store early in the morning to get it out of the way. Spent almost $200 in groceries but we needed them. There was almost nothing left in the house. I did get a little bent because here I am the only one working but yet there seems to be four people in my house. Hmm. While being single and not having the kid with me made me lonely, at least I was able to spend less money on groceries. Granted I spent more on eating out and booze.

Got back and made some lunch for everyone. A giant hedgehog cheese and mushroom bread blob. It was so good and easy to make. It looked twisted and tasted even more so. We hung out for a while watching TV. TGF took care of the bird, KBF did some work. Kid and I were bored so we took off while they stayed. We went to the comic book store, picked up her schedule, and got me some new jeans with her 40% discount. Seriously, $50 for 28. Nice. Score.

Came back and hung out for a while before taking a short nap. Got back up and made steak tacos for dinner. I wasn't driving last night and my friends came over about 8. We all started getting ready around 8:30. There was a party in my bathroom. They were doing shots and having a fun time.

We left about 9:30 and headed into the city for the show. Last night's show was good. It's the reason I do this shit. I enjoy it when it goes well. No drama, no problems - just the show and go home. Of course, TGF didn't go which sucked and my director at one point said to me 'we have unfinished business'. I looked at her and was like 'whatever'. I had a show to do, not drama to get into. One of my other friends was having some stress and I told her to get the heck out of there. She needed to get out and the show was unimportant in my mind. Take care of yourself first.

Got home and TGF was waiting up for me. Yay. We went off to bed shortly thereafter.

So here I am up again feeding the bird. Lucky me.

Y3 D276

And then there were 7... Yes there are now 7 animals in my house. Giles Burgundy the green cheeked conure lives in our house. I now have rats, cats, bunnies, snakes, and birds all over in here. I am motherfuckin' Noah. Just need to build my ark. Of course they are all female and none will breed, but heck it looks good right?

Got up early to work yesterday. Was able to get a good set of hours in before we took off for the breeders around 11:30. We got there in 90 minutes which was great. I was worried since it was Friday and where the breeder is located is a popular weekend getaway that there would be more traffic. Sailed in. We got everything situated with Giles and we were ready to head back. I figured something out yesterday too. At a pet store, a green cheeked like we have sells for about $400 for just the bird. They charged us $175 AND threw in a travel cage, accessories, 5 lbs of food, and are there if we need them. Add to that the $150 I spent on the big cage and we are STILL less than what it would have been to get the bird from a pet store. Plus a store bird would have been older, less sociable, etc. We made the right call. TGF paid for the bird too. That was our deal. I pay for the cage, she pays for the bird. It went smooth.

We headed home and luckily we were going against traffic and it took us 90 minutes to get back too which was nice. I did some more work while she bonded with Giles. We still have to spoon feed her for a couple more days with baby food. That was fun. Baby food getting messed all over. Yay. Just like the real thing...

We were supposed to let her be for a while and get acclimated to her new environment. TGF went off to a birthday party and I went and hung out with friends. We were gone from about 6-10 and boy oh boy did Giles let us know she wasn't happy with that. The breeder 'warned' us that this was a very sociable bird and she wasn't kidding. That bird wasn't happy unless it was snuggling with us last night. Which we both loved. We watched the final Buffy(!!) and The Finder and went to bed. Surprisingly there was no noise from the cage all night. Not until she realized I was awake this morning.

Which is why I am up typing at 7am on a Saturday.

Y3 D275

I must be getting better in more ways than one. Yesterday I was talking to a friend and they mentioned that X2 had come up on their LinkedIn dashboard because she had updated some info. Seems she is the founder of a new company. Good for her. It doesn't bug me like it would have in the past. Matter of fact, I really don't care. The only thing that gets to me and it always will, is how she was able to start a new life and I haven't been able to yet. She walked away with no child obligations, no house issues, no job issues, no debt issues, just put the past behind and walk away. I didn't nor do I think I will ever, have that luxury. That frustrates me. But it would frustrate me no matter who it was - not just her. I love the kid very much but there are truly some days where I wish she had gone off to a regular college and was living on campus somewhere. It would have been good for her and me both. I don't think that's being mean either. It's just being honest. When she moves out, I do feel my life will change as I will have more options available to me. I can walk away from everything at that point. Part of that also has to do with how tired I am of my profession. I truly am. I wish some days I was in a different industry. It must be nice to be in something you love and can excel at simultaneously. Me? I am good at what I do but meh, I wouldn't mind something else. The day will come. I know it will. I just need to survive until then.

Yesterday I was onsite for a client. Nice to be doing something again. Something productive at that. I got out there about 6:45 and worked until 4:30. A good solid day. Granted I spent a large portion sitting around waiting for data, but a good day nonetheless. Met TGF for dinner. That was really nice. I found a special online for a fondue place near her house. Dinner for two for $60 for four courses. Not too shabby. We had a gruyere and onion appetizer, salads, then they do the entree on lava rocks. We had pork tenderloin and a veggie platter. The pork was good, but we both agree if we go there again to not do the veggies. The rocks cook them too quickly. For dessert white chocolate bananas foster fondue. The best part is whenever you do fondue it's going to be a slow paced dinner and this one went for two hours. We had a nice time relaxing and talking.

Every time I think we are not good for each other, we have a nice dinner or adventure that reminds me WHY we are together. We actually enjoy each other's company. You know we haven't had sex in over a week? Not because of any mysterious reason - first we were out of town with other people around, then with school and work and dance, then her period. So it's not like we don't want to, we just haven't been able to, yet here we are - still enjoying each other and having fun. So anyone who says we are just in it for the sex can go screw themselves. I know in some ways there is something unhealthy about our relationship but read paragraph one again - I want a new life. I want to make up for all the mistakes I made the other times. I want to do things right. This is the closest way I feel that I can. Otherwise I am going to have a boring life where I do nothing right and end up a pile of dust...

Y3 D274

Yesterday was a completely and utterly useless wasted day. The kid had class, TGF had class and dance, and I had nothing. I was alone and bored from 7am until 10pm last night. I didn't leave the house except once to go get food. I did manage to avoid drama thank god. I also learned TGF and I have support from another friend who is also involved with someone older than them. That was an interesting and nice surprise. I already liked this person and have been glad to get to know them better in the last few months, but add this to the mix and it's one of those 'hey cool' moments.

I did manage to line something up for today which is good. Which is why I am up early and out the door in a half hour. But this is only for the one day possibility 1/2 of tomorrow. Tomorrow is a big day for us - we pick up our bird. This is a moment in our relationship. The purchasing of an animal together. You notice I haven't rushed anything in this relationship?

I have been taking it slow. We are at a little over 7 months and she isn't living with me, I haven't proposed, etc. No, we have our own lives, we see each other 3-4 times a week thanks to her current schedule and it's working. I want more, but it's working for now. With all the other shit thrown at us, I want to make sure we don't give ourselves grief in the process.

The kid got home late last night because of the train. She normally gets in around 9:15 but there was a stuck car on the tracks and she was a 1/2 hour late. That's why I was alone as long as I was. TGF went out with friends after dance so I didn't talk to her last night.

We are going to try and do dinner tonight.

I am worried. I am worried that all the pressure from other people, society, etc is starting to weigh on her. I would like to just get through the next few days and relax a bit.

Y3 D273

The drama police, they're coming for you, the drama police they're in my head...

Oh dear lord if I had wanted to go back to high school I would ... well, nothing really because I don't want to be back in high school even though apparently some of the people I know seem to never want to leave.

The day itself was pretty uneventful. Did some work, had a conference call about the DOL, got things lined up for possibly the next week or so, but otherwise pretty mellow. The kid went out with her grandmother most of the day and had fun for once.

But come the night, oh the night time shenanigans...

Around 6 I get a text - 'we have made our decision about the issue'. Um, okay? Nothing more like a half hour. I didn't respond because god only knew which 'issue' she was referring to this time. I expected either a text or an email to follow which it did about 30 minutes later. According to my directors any event at which they are at qualifies as a cast event and anyone seen giving alcohol to a minor is off cast. I see. You are now the police of the world? They also stated that they would contact the proper authorities. Because yes, the police are TOTALLY going to respond to a call of: "I am at a wedding and there is a 20 year old drinking a glass of wine!!". Give me a fucking break. You can't police the world to fit into your moral values. You know in almost every other country the drinking age for wine is as low as 14-16 but on average 18. And to make sure I wasn't talking out of my ass, I actually looked this up. Matter of fact, here in the US there are even exceptions for the 21 law based on being in a private club, medical reasons, or the home of a parent. DRIVING while intoxicated is illegal regardless of age obviously and has a stiffer penalty if the person is under 21. But if someone wants to come to my house and have a drink while under my supervision and doesn't drive then it is actually legal in my state. Yep. I looked it up bitches. Their email started a flurry of emails, phone calls, texts, etc. People were turning to me and our advisor to see if they had truly lost their minds. It got pretty nasty. There is going to be some serious fall out from this. The way I see it, this is abuser behavior. There is no drama going on at the moment therefore there is nothing for them to use as an excuse to drink. Hence drama is created which they can use to say is the reason they HAD to drink to reduce their stress. And substitute drink for whatever you choose, it's abuser mentality regardless. I publicly stayed out of the whole thing but behind the scenes I was going off. There was even talk about removing THEM from cast. Essentially staging a coup d'etat and taking the cast over for ourselves.

All I know is I am going to the show on Saturday and then taking a month off. I will reevaluate everything during that month to see if I want to continue. The real issue is TGF. When I talked to her last night before bed, I told her everything and she was just disgusted. But she is also having issues because when she tells her friends about us she is tired of them making comments about our age difference. I really feel like if there was anything that ever split us up in the near future it will be other people not allowing us to be ourselves.

I didn't ask for this. I didn't go searching for someone considerably younger nor did she set out to find a 'sugar daddy'. We met, we had sex, and we ended up falling in love. Sorry but it happens. Now we just have to deal with all the naysayers and haters. But it gets hard. It's hard to have people tell you constantly that what you're doing is 'wrong'. Even though no one is hurting anyone and no one is keeping anyone from leaving somehow we are hurting each other. Go figure.

I am tired. I am very very tired of everything.

Y3 D272

And the drama police were in full effect yesterday...

I mentioned yesterday that I received texts between 11 and 11:30 from my director last night. Turns out I wasn't the only one. I sent them an email in the morning saying I was sorry for missing their texts and to feel free to call any time. I carboned our cast advisor because I had a feeling there was going to be drama and I wanted someone else to know my side of the world. She replied back to me and told me that she too had texts in the middle of the night. Hers were at 11:45 and essentially said 'my hubby almost hit your hubby multiple times last night. just thought you should know. also I can't hang out with you any more, miss you lots'. Um, I'm sorry, are we 12?? She was furious. But unfortunately the fun didn't stop there...

I got a phone call from the male half of my directors I would say around 10ish. This is gonna be long but bear with me as I am out the point now where I am seeing red and about to quit because of all this.. the first thing he asks me is who gave one of the girls (under 21) wine. I said I would assume this other guy as they were together. He then went on about how he saw TGF with a glass of wine and the other girl too and how this is an issue for him because while it wasn't a cast function he has a thing against underage drinking mostly due to his job. My response to all that was yeah, it wasn't a cast function, it was a wedding. AND the way I grew up was at weddings there were bottles of wine at the table and no one cared who drank what. But I also expressed that I understood where he was coming from and it was not a problem for me to make sure that it is away from him as to avoid any association. If my girlfriend is having a drink at a non-cast function then it will be as far away from him as possible. That was my way of disagreeing with him on this issue while still respecting where he is coming from. He seemed okay with that but did mention he was going to talk to our cast advisor about drinking and non-cast/cast functions in general. Whatever. This is just total bullshit. You can't police things that aren't yours to police. This was a WEDDING. When I shared this with our advisor her response was 'well he should have gone table to table checking IDs then'. 

It's the next part that was more interesting. He said that him and his wife have been noticing lately that there seems to be a split in cast. That tech is hanging with tech, security with security, etc and this was something that they have tried to avoid since taking over cast. My response was that I didn't see that because I am against exclusion and always invite people across the board if I am having a function. Which is true - my last party had tech, security, actors, non-cast people, etc. I don't exclude. I dislike people being in clicks and go out of my way to avoid it. I conveyed all this to him and then asked for specifics. He hemmed and hawed and finally came out with "we have seen that there is 'our' group and 'your' group". Okay. Well... I clearly told him it wasn't intentional. I am in no way trying to segregate or exclude people.

I then told him that since we were talking, I needed to get something off my chest. In the seven months TGF and I have been going out, she has missed zero shows. In that time his wife has said hello to her exactly ZERO times. While I don't expect her to be over friendly, would saying hello kill her? Especially given that she has been by my side for every show and supporting us as a cast? TGF brings friends to shows when she can. She always buys a ticket. She helps me with props. Yet, his wife can't even say hello? He didn't really have a reply for that because I think deep down he knows I was right for defending my girlfriend. That pretty much was the end of the phone call. Ten minutes later I get this email from his wife:

XXXXX told me about what you 2 talked about.  Theres something you need to understand.  Its not just that we don't approve of the massive age gap between you and your girlfriend, we're also tired of cast members telling us that they are uncomfortable being around you 2.  I'm tired of hearing it come from people who look to [us] to deal with it.  So, fixing the problem?

Um, who the hell is saying they are uncomfortable being around us? And if you are uncomfortable DON'T BE AROUND US. It's not like we are flaunting our relationship. No, just the opposite. We stay to ourselves so as NOT to piss anyone off. You wonder why you see a split in the groups? Well maybe because we are associating with people who ARE comfortable with us?? And what does she think I am going to do? Break up with my girlfriend for her benefit?? Fuck that. I would rather quit cast. Personally I have not had anyone speak to ME or TGF about being uncomfortable around us. If anyone has a problem with us then they should either stay away from us or tell me to my face. Also TGF is pissed because she sees our director EMBRACE someone who 15-16 years younger than their boyfriend AND lets her on cast on my department no less without even any discussion. But did I complain? No. I just kept my mouth shut. She had no problem when too other people with a large difference were going out. Fuck she is STILL friendly to her when comes to shows and she is on a cast she HATES. Then there is the couple who are married and 25 years apart. While not around recently they also have a "massive age gap" to use her words. In the end, I really want to know who is "uncomfortable" being around us. Because have some balls and tell ME. Don't go behind my back. TGF is pissed right now and so am I. 

I didn't reply because I didn't really know what to say without blowing my top. I really feel like I am being told to breakup with TGF or quit cast and I think you  know which one I will do...

I shared all of that with our advisor and she too has had it. She was through the roof on this. We both agree that there is no fucking way you can police people's lives. I am going to the show this saturday as I am committed already but then I am taking a break. I am checking out of the next show which will give me a month without seeing them. I need that. I need to get away from their fucking drama for a while. 

Other than that, the day was okay. I am waiting for my next assignment which looks like it will be the Department of Labor. Yes, THE department of labor in DC. We are being hired to develop a set of dashboards for the Secretary of Labor. Not too shabby, eh? But I won't know on that for a few days. We have a knowledge transfer meeting today in 3 hours. 

Watched some Buffy/Angel with the kid, talked to TGF who by 10 had finally cooled down, and went to bed.

Let's see what kind of fun today brings...

Y3 D271

Had a fantastic day which had one piece of horrible drama that overshadowed things and is still continuing on this morning.

Woke up around 7 and let everyone else sleep while I ran errands. I went and bought a wedding present for later in the day from me and TGF and one from the kid and KBF. Also went to Target and got some stuff for around the house. Got back around 9 and the kid and KBF were up. I made them pancakes and when TGF got up, made her breakfast too. We all hung out and relaxed during the day until it was time to get ready for the wedding. Luckily the wedding was less than 10 minutes away from my place which meant we didn't have to rush or stress about getting there. It was scheduled to start at 3:30 with appetizers and mingling but I got a couple of calls from friends who did have to drive letting me know they were getting rooms at the hotel and would be there earlier. We headed over around 3:30. This is where the fun started...

So my director who hates TGF was there with her husband. We were all standing outside waiting for things to begin when TGF and I hear her CLEARLY say 'Well it must be Daddy issues.' This was followed by her husband saying something we couldn't hear and her responding with 'I'm not getting into a fight tonight'. Well that pissed me and TGF off. We played it cool but we were both steaming. Add to this the fact that when we arrived she totally turned her back on us and refused to even say hello. In seven fucking months, she has yet to even once say hello to TGF. It was clear to one of our friends that TGF was pissed and he pulled her aside and said 'don't be like her. it's her issue, not yours'. I appreciated that.

We tried to ignore the issue but then as we were all sitting down for the ceremony I was 'summoned' over to her highness and told 'Your girlfriend better stop giving me the stinkeye'. I replied with 'if she is, it's only because she thought you were giving her one as well'. To which I got 'this is just my face'. I tried to play nice but all it did was raise my anger level. TGF was smoking pissed at this point too. Luckily we were at separate tables for dinner, but it wasn't over yet.

Now in between all this bullshit drama was one of the most beautiful weddings I have seen. The bride and groom were just so happy and looked fantastic. There were so many cute moments between the two of them it was like pure sugar giving you diabetes. While it was freezing because we were outside for the ceremony, it was still magical. Even the Rabbi acknowledged it was cold and tried to move things along quickly. We all appreciated that.

Back inside we sat down for dinner, dancing, cake, etc. We had fun getting out on the dance floor and having a good time. We left around 9, TGF headed home around 9:15 and I was in bed by 10, asleep by 10:30. You'd think that would be the end of the day, right? Oh no, you see while I was sleeping I got the following texts from my director:

10:58pm - we need to talk asap

11:02pm - you need to call me now

11:31pm - good to know

I responded via email this morning saying I am sorry I missed your texts, call me today. Let's see how this plays out. I am not expecting it to end well.

Y3 D270

And we are back on track and schedule...

Got home yesterday around 4 something in the morning and went right to bed. Woke up around 10 I think it was? Originally we woke up at 8 because TGF's mother called. That was a fun moment - I thought it was my alarm going off and I started to beat the phone when she realized it was her mother and started crawling over me to answer. Her mother can be very paranoid about stupid things. She knew we were driving home late and wouldn't be home until an awful hour but still she wanted a call. Whatever. Luckily we fell back to sleep for a couple of hours.

We headed out around noon to go see our bird at the breeder. The kid went with us because KBF had to work until late in the afternoon and she refused to sit at home pining until he got done with work. Which is good for her. He pissed her off while we were at Disneyland because she texted him asking if he wanted to go with us yesterday and he sent such a short reply she had no idea why he didn't want to go. Until wasn't until like five hours later he told her it was because he had to work all day. He can be really thick headed sometimes.

We had a nice drive up to the breeders. Rather boring and uneventful. A little bit of traffic but not enough to stress me out. Our bird has grown so much!! Looks like he will be able to come home on Friday. We are going to head back around 2 on Friday to bring him home for the weekend! We are so happy about that. You should have seen TGF's face light up when she was holding him yesterday. It was amazing.

Had some food while we were out there. Nice little feast at the same place we ate at before. With traffic the other direction, it took us a while to get home, but not too bad. We left around 5 and got home a little after 7.

My friend came over who has been in Texas hanging with a friend who is in Bowling for Soup. She brought me back a Fineas stuffed figure signed by the entire band and a signed guitar pick. Very cool. She hung out for a while and then helped TGF pick out something to wear for a wedding we are attending today. This is going to be interesting. We don't know who all is going to be at the wedding as we don't know who on cast was/wasn't invited nor do we know about their other family and friends. The wedding starts at 3:30 with open bar for an hour.

Watched some stuff on the DVR that we had missed, then a Buffy and then bed. TGF apologized for being cranky and not wanting sex. I didn't even realize she had been cranky. Her period is going to start in the next day or two and I know hormones are running wild. I told her thank you for the apology but it was not needed. We both fell asleep quickly. Everyone else is still sleeping as usual. I need to clean the house before the wedding today. My goal is to go get the present for the wedding this morning, get it wrapped, then clean house before we go.

And we're off...

Y3 D269

Got up around 7 as we needed to be back in the park by 9:40 for our princess breakfast. Headed over to the park and arrived about 9:15. Perfect timing. We got inside and breakfast was so much fun. All the princesses come around to the table and we were one of the few groups of all adult tables which was goofy fun. We took pictures with all of the princesses. Around 11 we went off to ride rides and hang out. It was MUCH more crowded at the park as many people had yesterday as a holiday for themselves and kids. That was the big difference - Thursday had people, but Friday had way more children. I was starting to get bitchy and cranky by mid-afternoon because of the people but we hung in. We stayed until around 10 and we were back on the road at 10:45. I took turns with my friend who came with us driving and we got home around 4:30. Not bad, no major incidents, etc.

I know that's not much, but it was Disneyland and there's only so much to tell. I will say one thing - I am happy. That's all that really matters, right?

Today we are off to see our bird but then I need to clean house. Things are getting out of control. We have a wedding tomorrow but tonight I am staying in no matter what. We should be home at a reasonable time and then we can clean and sleep.

Y3 D268

Yes, I forgot to post yesterday. Second time I fully completely forgot in almost a year. Why? Same reason as last time - TGF and Disneyland. Not bad reasons mind you. We rolled into Disney around 8 and there really wasn't anyway for me to post so you get two separate posts today, one for Thursday and one for Friday. Here's Thursday.

As I said we rolled into town around 8am. The drive wasn't bad. A little bit of traffic on the way in but it was okay because the park didn't open until 10 anyway. We walked around Downtown Disney and had breakfast. The kid took care of her season pass stuff and we were in. Since we knew we had both days it was nice and relaxing. The park was moderately full since it was a Thursday. Not horrible but enough that you knew other people were there. We went on rides, ate too much sugar, and had a great day.

Around 3 we went and checked into the hotel and we were all starting to get tired but kept on going. We headed down to my old town around 3:30 and arrived around 4ish. That's when the real fun started. We walked to the beach, cruised around saying hello to a hundred people. I had warned TGF as did the kid that we would be saying hello to everyone we knew which was everyone. After the third or fourth time we stopped to talk to someone she realized I wasn't joking about knowing everyone in town.

We got to my buddy's restaurant around 5:30 and the party kicked in. Two bottles of champagne, foie gras, bone marrow (which he ran up to another friend's restaurant to get for us), duck confit, pork belly sliders, all topped with a special chocolate cake dessert for the kid. TGF was blown away. She FINALLY understood why I am the way I am about food and how I like to be treated. It was incredible. We all had a great time and we were stuffed out of our minds.

Got back to the hotel around 9:30 and crashed. I got us a two room suite with two queen beds and a sofa bed to make sure everyone had their own bed. Thank you Hilton points. I think we stayed up for no more than 30 minutes before we all crashed and fell asleep.

All in all, a wonderful magical day that only Disneyland and good food and friends can provide. Now on to Friday...

Y3 D267

I know it's just after midnight but that technically it's Thursday so bite me.

Spent the day in the house. Packed for the trip. Leaving in 1 hour for Disneyland bitches. Oh yeah!

Bought the kid her season pass as her birthday present. Paid bills. Spent an hour on the phone with X1. Don't ask.

Off to Disneyland!

Y3 D266

I just realized I didn't post today. No don't worry nothing nefarious going on. I thought I had but realized oops I forgot. I think it was because TGF was here this morning and I was focused on getting her up and off to class. She has early classes on Wednesday and she stayed because of Valentine's Day. Ironically though thanks to female issues, no holiday sex for me. Oh well. Plenty of time for that.

Let's see what happened yesterday...

I worked during the day until TGF came over in the afternoon. I started cooking early as I had a five course meal planned out for us. First course was smoked fish with olives and russian pickles. Second course was mushrooms in sour cream, followed by a third course of borscht. Fourth course was beef stroganoff with russian potato salad and for dessert russian poppy seed bread and halva. Everything was great. We took over three hours to eat and relaxed and enjoyed each other's company. The kid went out around 5 so we had the whole house to ourselves until almost midnight.

First time I have enjoyed Valentine's Day in a long time. No pressure, no headaches. Her gift to me was watching a show she hates. It was new last night and she sat through it without comments or complaints. Yes, that's a gift. Made me happy.

Today I am getting ready for our trip. Can't wait to spend time in Disneyland again.

Y3 D265

I totally overslept this morning. The alarm on my new phone isn't loud enough. I slept right through the damn thing. Fuck me. I have too much to today to be oversleeping. I have to cook, work to do, clean the house, damn damn damn.

Happy Valentine's Day btw. It's the first time I have cared in almost three years. I normally don't like today and while I am still not a huge fan of a Hallmark created holiday, at least I have someone to dislike it with this year.

Spent the majority of the day working yesterday. Actually have something to work on for the moment. Also looks like the folks in SC liked my work and want me back. Good for me, bad for cast, TGF, and the kid. Because this time they want me back for an extended period of time. Probably two to three weeks solid. I will rack up some serious points which will be nice, but I will be away from home for a decent amount of time. It will be hard on everyone else. Me? I will enjoy it. I will get to spend some time away from everything.

Started prepping for today by going grocery shopping and making some stuff in advance. I didn't make as much as I wanted though because it has to be made today. Oh well. We eat late, we eat late. That's the way of the gun.

Took the kid to the train at 3 and enjoyed the house to myself until 9 when I picked her up. I did get a present for TGF which is also for me. She has an electric blanket at home and is always saying she wished I had one too. Well baby, I do now.

Okay time for some serious work for the next 4 or 5 hours before I start cooking. Godspeed young man, godspeed...

Y3 D264

Had a very relaxing day yesterday. No bad phone calls, no headaches, no drama. It was nice. I am a little stressed out because of work, but nothing I can't handle. I have some stuff to crank through today and I dropped the ball a little last week on a couple of things that I need to make up for today. Should be able to do it with no problem, but I need to focus. Which is why I am up early even though I am not leaving the house today.

Got up around 9 yesterday and moved slowly. The kid got home at 3 so she didn't get up until around 11. Her and I went out looking to see if we could find her a new sewing table but came up empty handed. I don't want to spend a lot of money but I want something sturdy. She is going to ask her sewing teacher if she has any recommendations on used tables through school. Came back home and took a nap. Was very tired.

One of the guys on cast sent some emails yesterday that ended up being pretty amusing even though that's not what he intended. His girlfriend who unfortunately is a bit accident prone got hurt at the show Saturday night. He sent out a 'safety' email yesterday. While I know his heart was in the right place, it ended up with some of the actors responding with 'yes, you need to make sure I am never injured' emails and our directors sending out 'shit happens, deal with it' emails. It all was amusing although I felt a little bad for him as he was trying to do the right thing.

Played some Lego Harry Potter for the rest of the day. TGF had homework and was busy all day. The kid had work from 7-11 so she took off around 6 to get some dinner first. I had the whole house to myself for the night. Watched tv, relaxed, and went to bed around 10:30. Was very nice.

Off to do some work.

Y3 D263

I had a great day yesterday. Didn't stress out about things, a show that reminded me why I do it, and I got a new phone. At the beginning start we shall...

Got up and relaxed in the morning waiting for TGF to wake up. She likes her sleep and I am constantly weighing out the issue of her waking up alone versus me waking her up too early. We have discussed it and she says she wants me to let her sleep, but I always still feel bad. It's just me. But not like bad in a way that causes problems, just slightly guilty.

Anyway, she got up and we meandered around the house having some breakfast until it was time for her to go off to dance. It was a nice slow time. Unfortunately while we were both horny, she didn't have time before dance for us to have some fun. Oh well. Tuesday will be here soon enough and there's nothing like Valentine's Day nookie. We went over the menu for Tuesday's dinner. I am cooking a Russian feast for her. Luckily Russians don't use complicated or overpriced food so the menu isn't too bad or expensive.

After she left I ran a couple of errands like kitty litter and oh yeah, my new phone. I picked up a Samsung Galaxy Nexus. Why? A couple days back I got an email saying I was eligible for upgrade on my primary line. I have been looking at the Razr Maxx but everything I read kept saying the same thing - the screen stinks. I have been doing some research for a while and it all comes back to the Nexus as being the phone. It runs Ice Cream Sandwich, it's the only true Android/Google phone, it's fast, the screen is beautiful, etc. After using it for almost a day now, I can concur on all these points. Keep your iPhone that everyone has. I have the baddest motherfucker on the planet in my pocket. BAMF.

Came back and cleaned house and just kind of hung out until it was time for the show. Since TGF had dance and the theater is closer to her house, she went home afterwards and planned on meeting me later at the theater. The kid had to work last night from 9:30 until 2 so I ended up driving to the show with KBF. That was interesting. Not bad, but interesting. I think it was a little weirder for him than me.

We got to the show and TGF met me there about 5 minutes after we showed. Her and I hung out and she had fun talking with everyone. The show went smooth except for a couple of bumps. Nothing that was too major or hard to handle. Home by 1:30, asleep before 2. Nice.

Now today I am doing mostly nothing as well. Just enjoying the quiet.

Y3 D262

The final day of training yesterday. Man was it emotional, mentally, and physically exhausting. It caught up to me around 9 last night. I trained from 9 until 4 straight through with only a 1/2 hour for lunch. I didn't even give the class a morning or afternoon break. We had too much material to get through in a short time and there was one person (there's ALWAYS one in a class) who was just not getting it and disrupting the person next to her. It wouldn't have been a problem except the person she was disrupting was one of the key users. It was crucial the user get this material. During lunch I spoke with the two guys who brought me in and explained the situation. After lunch they separated them for me. Made a huge difference. I was able to get through things faster. I felt like a jerk because it was obvious what happened but for the benefit of the rest of the class, I had to do it. Got home around 5:30 and TGF got there two minutes later. We had leftover pizza for dinner, ran a couple of errands as I needed some pet stuff, then came back home to relax. We played a little Disney adventures, watched some Buffy, then went to bed around 11. We both felt bad because we were exhausted and while we wanted to have sex we knew we were too tired. How lame is that? But it was okay because we were both honest about it with each other and communicated why we didn't want to do it. We fell asleep rather quickly.

Today she has dance, I have some more errands and a little work to do. I decided for Tuesday I am making us dinner at home. I have to put together my shopping list today. I haven't really decided on a present yet if I am going to get her one. Well, I will get her one, it's how large. This is our first valentines day and I don't want to go overboard. I am thinking a couple of the horses she likes and maybe some small piece of jewelry. Nothing fancy or expensive. More just a gesture that I was thinking of her. She's not a big fan of the day and I don't want to over do it. I will walk around downtown today to see what I find. I forgot to get kitty litter yesterday and have to do that too.

She's still asleep and the house is quiet. The kid and KBF are in the other room asleep as well. I like this time of day. When everything is still calm.

Y3 D261

Repeat of Wednesday. Nothing to really write about. Went and trained the client from 8:30 - 4:30, spent an hour in traffic, ordered a pizza, talked to TGF, went to bed. Nothing of any real excitement happened yesterday. Nobody called me other than TGF. Was even a slow email day. Some work emails on some stuff I need to take care of tomorrow, but that's about it. Even that was small stuff. Send in badges, update docs etc. Not complaining mind you. The less excitement the better. Off for hopefully a repeat today.

Y3 D260

Decent day yesterday. Nothing exciting happening. Left the house around 6:20 to go and train a client. Did have one little moment during training that I new was coming. I had to deal with their boss being cheap and my boss being a hardass. You see, when we do a formal training we provide materials, sample data, etc and we charge on a per seat basis. This is why we offer a 'mentoring' option which is an hourly rate, does not include formal material, and may not be a 8-9 hour day depending on how fast everyone moves through. In this case, the students were told it was a formal training whereas it was a mentoring. One of the students was perplexed as to why they couldn't have a copy of the documentation I was using. I was in that hard place of explaining that they opted to not spend the extra money. Fun.

Trained until about 5 and then met TGF for dinner near her house. She had dance so it was nice to get a minute to see her even if it was only for a short while. Headed home, tumblr stalked for a while, picked the kid up at the train at 9, talked to TGF, went to bed. There it is. Nothing exciting.

Me and TGF talked about Valentine's Day. It's my first one in almost 3 years. While I mock it as does she, I am still getting her something. I got a card for her yesterday and I am thinking of putting together a little gift basket of stuff she likes - the horses she collects, certain food, etc. Then on Tuesday I will cook her dinner just the two of us. Hopefully that will be enough for our first one.

Off to day two of training...

Y3 D259

Went to the post office yesterday and retrieved my letter. It was exactly as I thought, from the IRS. The 'good' news? It's about the house again. The one thing I know I can push back on them about. Look, I acknowledge I owe them 10,000 in taxes from work. No denial there. BUT this house thing? Fuck that. I didn't see a single dime from the sale of that house so for them to claim I took the money and they want a 40,000 share of it? Piss off. On top of that I already paid my accountant $250 for an hour's worth of work to make this go away. He needs to earn his money. This is bullshit. Anyone ever stop to ask if my ex-wife took the money? She could have and I am getting stuck with the bill. I am training all day today, but will fax over tonight the papers to my accountant. Let him deal with this one.

Other than my trip to the post office, stayed in yesterday. Worked on a new client which was a pain because their server is in France and the entire application has been localized. While I know the software pretty well, it made for a challenge having all the dialogs and menus be in French. I struggled a little bit yesterday trying to get things done.

Watched some TV in the evening and went to bed. TGF stayed home yesterday as she had a full day of homework to catch up on. When I talked to her at 9:30 she was almost done from 2 in the afternoon. I didn't want to be a distraction so we only talked for a little while.

I did line up a training gig in Los Angeles in March. It's on a Tuesday and Wednesday so I will go down a day early for a Disney trip. If time allows I will go to the park before and after training. Why not?

Off to do a three day training today. It's 'local' so no biggie but I will get home late because of traffic.

Y3 D258

I am totally on edge this morning. Been this way since yesterday. The letter that is supposed to come didn't arrive yet but will here today and it is definitely from the IRS. I am fucking stressed. Don't tell me not to worry about it either. They can take everything from me those fuckers. They can garnish my wages and leave me with nothing. I am so fucking stressed out it's not even funny. I can't stand the suspense. Just fucking shoot me.

Spent the day at 11 all day. Did laundry. Got some information on a new project which should start today once I get login information but I can't focus. The kid is sick. She has a UTI and had to go to the doctor. TGF came over and I couldn't enjoy her company because I am so worried about what is going to be in that envelope today.

I might not make it through the day.

Y3 D257

The thought of leaving caste is weighing heavily on me. I truly feel like I am not having fun any more and because of TGF I am not welcome any more. That's the hardest part - I refuse to break up with someone who brings me joy because someone else doesn't like them and is pushing me out of the circle because of it. Not to mention I have been ostracized for not doing this last special show that happened. Excuse me for actually having a real job and for not being available. I was kind of 3000 miles away. Sorry if I am not one of your golden children. Then I watch someone else try to sneak in and take over thinking I wouldn't notice. Part of me just wants to tell them go for it. Let's see if you can do any better because I know you can't. I know you will just alienate people and cause more people to leave in the long run.

This is how I spent my day yesterday - thinking about stupid shit that doesn't really matter. I was stressed out all day dreading today. I have something coming in the mail and I am pretty certain it's from the goddamn IRS. I came home to a notice of delivery with signature required. This pretty much always means a letter from them. It's to be delivered today and I am scared to death of what it might say.

Stayed inside yesterday. TGF got up around 9 and we hung out relaxing. She took off around 1 and I spent the rest of the day playing video games and watching Buffy/Angel. That was my day.

FUCK I AM STRESSED OUT. I can't afford to lose anything else. I don't have the energy to fight the government. I have no clue what to do next. Between this, cast issues, work slowing down and some other stuff in my head...

I just want to end it.

Y3 D256

Yesterday was an extremely fucked up, long, annoying, shoot me now because this is fucking horrible day.  I was up for over 24 hours straight with little to no sleep, too many responsibilities, and too much going on.

For the sake of showing WHY it was so long, I am putting everything in terms of my local time zone regardless of where I really was. I got up around 12am PST. My driver showed up on time at 1:30am and we took off to the airport. The drive was pleasant, the driver nice, and no issue getting to the airport. GSP airport is small and efficient and there were no issues from GSP to DFW. I arrived at DFW roughly 5:30am. I was already tired at this point as the flight was extremely bumpy and I was unable to sleep. Spent two hours in DFW waiting for my connecting flight. The flight from DFW home was horrible. I was stuck in the middle of two larger gentlemen and by the time we hit the ground my ass was killing from the thin seat, being twenty minutes late, and having to fold my arms as to deal with armrest wars. By the time I got off the plane I was in no mood for anything. As I was waiting for my friend to pick me up, a fat old bitch of a security woman started yelling at me because I wasn't smoking in the proper area. I didn't make a fuss at first and started walking towards where she wanted me. As I was walking though my friend showed up and I stopped to wait for her. The security woman starts yelling at me again to either put it out or keep walking. I point at the car pulling up at me and she is still yelling "THERE ARE CHILDREN AROUND". What the fuck? I am obviously getting into a vehicle. Frankly would you rather I just get in the car or leave a piece of trash on the ground to protect the oh so fragile children? Bitch. That was just the kind of day I was having.

Got home around 1:45 to find the kid hadn't checked mail while I was gone, failed to clean the kitty litter, didn't give the cat fresh food, didn't take out the garbage, and worst of all had run out of toilet paper and was using paper towels. F. M. L. God only knows what that is going to do the pipes.

She got home a little after I did and I was busy trying to clean. I finally got a chance to sit down and TGF calls. She comes over about 20 minutes later - the only sleep I managed to get - and there was the bright spot of my day. Around 4, the three of us go off to run errands (like buy fucking toilet paper for starters) and we meet up with KBF for dinner. We have a nice dinner. Indian food, fun conversation, and a good time. I really enjoyed dinner. None of us wanted to go to the show because we all knew deep down what was coming.

We headed out around 10 and the minute we got to the theater it was a nightmare. Half the folks were already exhausted from doing the other show at the other theater. Tensions were high, people were tired, and we had to still keep going.

I am just going to summarize at this point:

- get yelled at because my director doesn't like the music I have chosen even though everyone else was liking it and dancing
- get yelled at because TGF was inside 10 minutes too early because she was helping another performer
- get yelled at because someone isn't happy with what cues their girlfriend is doing
- get yelled at because one prop is slightly off center
- get yelled at because a light was 2 seconds off
- get yelled at, get yelled at, get yelled at
- scrape my knee
- cut my hand

I walked out about 3/4s of the way through the show. I was done. I don't need this. I don't need the abuse, the headache, the lack of sleep, the annoyance. I don't need this at all. I actually do have better things to do on a Saturday night. Okay, not really, but still.

I don't know what the fallout is going to be today and I really don't care. I may check out of next week's show because I am tired of it. This is a hobby not a job. I should be allowed to take a night off. I should be allowed to enjoy myself not be stressed out completely. If anything gets heavy today I am resigning. Period.

Y3 D255

I can't wait to get home in 12 hours and take a long hot shower. I don't know if it's my floor or just crappy plumbing but the water here refuses to get above 'tepid'. I need HOT. I am a stickler for a hot goddamn shower. Not lukewarm, HOT. So that is hands down the one thing I am looking forward to later.

Woke up at about 4:30 yesterday and around 5 got a text from TGF. She couldn't sleep for some reason and new I would be up. We talked on the phone for about an hour while I went about my morning stuff. I headed off to teach my class and she tried to sleep before class.

Class went well with the exception of one technical glitch which luckily someone back home was able to fix for me during our lunch break. Saved my hide otherwise class would have been a flop in the afternoon. Called the kid at lunch to wish her a happy birthday. She was having a good morning so far. She was having a breakfast donut when we talked. I finished up the day around 4:30 and headed back to the hotel. She texted me a couple of times as she was having to deal with her pain in the ass grandmother and was not having fun. She hadn't heard from KBF yet which was upsetting her. I am about ready to kill that boy. He needs to learn some goddamn manners and how to treat a woman. I then did something good/bad - I made some texts and had folks wish her a happy birthday. In the end one of my friends came by with balloons and a cake, another took her to the mall, and a bunch sent her messages. I don't know how the evening played out at this point, but I am sure I made things a little better even though she knew I had a hand in it (that's the 'bad' part - that daddy still has to do things). This was her first birthday since moving out and away from all her friends so it was a pretty big deal.

Had some dinner and got back to the room around 8. Talked to TGF for a while then crawled into bed. I tried to sleep but major fail. Ended up watching Justified until 11. I am almost caught up at least. I am exhausted and need to sleep but the car service will be here in 45 minutes. 6am flight to Dallas, then a 10am flight home. Here goes nothing.

Y3 D254

I hate time differences. I am used to waking up on payday and having my paycheck be in the system. But since I am currently in EST instead of PST it hasn't posted yet. Not really a problem other than I need to pay my damn rent and it is due today. I am assuming that I will see it by roughly 8am EST but I will stress until I see it. As long as I get that shit paid today. Otherwise I will get hit with a damn late fee.

Let's see, yesterday...

It went as well as can be expected. I had six people in the class as yesterday was a technical group versus today which is more of the end business users. This is nice because I have had classes where non-technical folk go to both days and end up being frustrated and bored with day one because it is pretty hard core. We spent a good deal of the day having to install drivers on people's machine, fixing IP issues, setting port numbers, etc. Stuff that in a less technical group would have been a problem. It's what happened to me in Arizona 18 months ago. Can you believe it was 18 months ago I went to AZ and met LO? Damn.

But the good thing is the group I had yesterday understood this issue and was for the most part okay with what we had to deal with during class. I had asked the main contact there to meet me wednesday night because I knew these things were going to crop up. Everyone was patient and went with the flow.

I ended up being onsite from about 7:30 until 6pm. One of the longest training days I have had in a while. Today I expect a shorter day. Probably be done around 4 or 4:30.

After class I went back to the same restaurant as Wednesday night. This time I had a nice wine and a burger. Nothing crazy, nothing expensive. Sat at the bar for about two hours nursing my wine and chatting up these two women sitting next to me. They initiated contact and I was polite.

Talked to TGF at one point and I was laughing that she had woken up 1.5 hours earlier and here I was finishing my day. Very odd. She had dance last night.

In big news, it's the kid's birthday today. I need to call her, but it's way too early. I will call her at lunch. For the next five months, she is technically older than my girlfriend. How fucked up is that?

Y3 D253

What a long ass day yesterday. Hit the airport at 4:12am and was there before even security opened. It was a bit amusing standing in the pre-security line - since I had a first class ticket I was in that line and it was nothing but old, fat, balding, white males. My people! We all had that same look of impatience, the same single carryon computer bag, the same on my way to a business meeting look. Of course we also got the same looks of disdain from the people in the regular line. Hey don't like it? Fly a few dozen times a year and you might be in this line on occasion too. Don't blame us for having no lives. It's the only reward we get.

Sat next to a nice guy on my way to Dallas. We talked for a few minutes about the REAL benefits of first class. He like me was a mileage upgrade. It's not about the food or the leg room - no it's about getting through security, boarding first, exiting first, and having enough over head space. THAT'S the real advantage to first class. Everything else is icing. At least for domestic flights and short flights. Long flights where first class still means something is another world. There you get your pods that become real beds, multiple meals, and true amenities. Like my Amsterdam trip. Damn, now that was first class.

Got to Dallas and had two hours to kill. Stepped outside for a smoke since I knew I would have time and when I got back in my gate had changed. Had to run down 15 gates to my new one. Still had plenty of time though. Uneventful flight to South Carolina. Man they have all these tall things here with lots of green on them - oh yeah, trees.

Got car service from the airport to the hotel. Not bad for $35. Was quite relaxing. Unpacked then decided to find some food. I have to say I was truly amazed at what SC has to offer. I found this place called High Cotton and damn. I had the best grits in my life. Plus a decent charcuterie, sweet potato and parsnip soup, and a steak tartare. For dessert, braised pears in vanilla with a walnut brittle. I have to admit I was not expecting food of this caliber. I was thinking it would be down home kind of food and while it had a bit of down home edge to it, it was worthy of being home. Best part is that it's right around the corner from the hotel, not extremely over priced, and good atmosphere. Live music, strong drinks, good food, decent prices. Win.

Got back to the hotel around 9 and tried to sleep. Couldn't so I watched an episode of Justified. I am almost caught back up and ready to watch season three. I also watched some True Blood on the plane yesterday. Still not sure how I feel about that show. Not sure I understand the hype. Although there was a funny line about Buffy in one of the episodes I watched. Heard from N yesterday. Haven't heard from her in a while and I feel guilty for not reaching out sooner. I hope she knows I care about her well being. She is doing okay it seems. Getting her life back on track. Helps to give me hope that I am not the only one who is going through rough shit and slowly getting it back together.

Fell asleep around 11. Off to train in about an hour. Got to put my game face on.

Y3 D252

Small victories. Up too early. Been up since 2:30. Have to leave at 4 for the airport. Flight boards at 5:30. When I went to check in yesterday I had my first class bump. Hence the small victory.

I crunched things and since the garnishment is happening mid-month I can survive. I need a little help but I should be able to convince my  bosses to advance me the small amount. I can still pay my bills and do the things I was planning on doing.

I spent the day prepping for my classes I am teaching this week. TGF came over to spend time with me before I left.

Went to bed at 9, up at 2:30. Leaving soon.