ANA Y1 D4

Well it's time to go home and face the music. When I get home this all becomes real real. At least when I was on the road it was all this thing in the background. This is both good and bad. Bad because I have to face the reality of an ENM marriage to a gay woman while starting a transition. Wow. That's a heavy sentence. Good that I can stop having fake conversations in my head and deal with the real things as they come. So good and bad. Anxiety is at an 11. Not good for flying but it is what it is. 

I spent the day with my sister. That was nice. She had a couple of seizures while I was there and I can see how this is not going to get any better. She's going to really have a bad one next and I will be back here to see her bedridden and a husk. I am glad I got to spend this time with her now. It was one of the best things I have done in recent years. At least we will all go to our deathbeds knowing how much we love each other. Small victory.

As for the home front, fuck I am scared. I wish I were still traveling regularly. At least then it would be a bit easier. Have dates and fun while I am gone, be there when I am home. We would each have an easier time of it. Maybe, maybe, in the future I will start traveling again and this will be the case. One can hope. 

At 4:45pm EST I will be home and we shall see what my life has become. We are to discuss the boundaries document tonight. Step 1.

ANA Y1 D3

Yesterday was an awful day. I spent all day in my hotel with Dirt running through my head. One who doesn't care is one who shouldn't be. All day. Just spiraling down deeper. But that's okay right? Because losing all hope is freedom, right? Doesn't feel free to me. Feels even worse.

I read articles that make this all sound so easy. Just ignore your feelings of jealousy, abandonment, inadequacy. No problem. Just ignore them all! Yeah, right. The one thing everything I have read about this type of relationship that is common is "going down this path will bring every dark secret, insecurity, and repressed trauma to the surface". Yeah no fucking shit. 50 years of relationship abuse. 50 years of being alone. 50 years of never being good enough. Here it is in all it's fucking glory. Last night was a perfect example - B had an old friend reconnect with them recently. They came over to talk about what happened and why they stopped talking. Two months ago I wouldn't have cared. Last night all I did was stress that they were having sex. Even though there's never been any indication that this person was or would be a sexual partner. That's one of my mental issues. They're now having sex with everybody but me don't you know? Tell me you're going out to run errands? In my mind you're stopping somewhere and having sex. Hanging out with a friend you've hung out with a million times before? Well now you're having sex with them. I know it's irrational. But this is what happens when your past experience is nothing but lies, betrayal, and pain. You took an extra twenty minutes to respond to my text. You must not love me anymore and you're somehow having sex. Stupid. Ridiculous. Irrational.

And if I don't get these feelings under control, it will be the end of my marriage and I will be Ross fucking Geller with three ex-wives and nothing to show for it. Good fucking times baby.

So yeah, that's how I spent my day yesterday. It hasn't helped that the weather has been pure shit since I've been here. It was 45 and raining all day. Same today. 

I just want to go home. My home. I don't even care if they're not there. I need the comfort of my four walls. I need to be back in my space to feel like I have the upper hand. What does that even mean? This isn't a war or a battle. See? Going into bad places again. I have a xanax sitting in front of me. I am so tempted to take it. I am trying to save it for when B does go out with someone for the first time for real. It will be the only way I get through it. I know this. In the meantime let the soundtrack keep playing in my head:

I have never felt such frustration or lack of self control I want you to kill me and dig me under, I wanna live no more one who doesn't care is one who shouldn't be I've tried to hide myself from what is wrong for me I want to taste dirty, a stinging pistol in my mouth, on my tongue I want you to scrape me from the walls and go crazy like you've made me one who doesn't care is one who shouldn't be I've tried to hide myself from what is wrong for me for me you, you are so special you have the talent to make me feel like dirt and you, you use your talent to dig me under and cover me with dirt one who doesn't care is one who shouldn't be I've tried to hide myself from what is wrong for me

So much blood for such a tiny little hole. Everything is blue in this world.

ANA Y1 D2

Two days into this "new year" and it's already shit. Slept horribly. Got in a fight with B. Just a bad day. Spiraled twice. Anxiety through the roof. Just don't give a shit right now. I'm done with everything.

ANA Y1 D1

 Here I go again on my own, going down the only road I've ever known...

A new year, new name, new adventure. That's what ANA stands for. A new adventure. I would have thought that at my age, the adventures would be a lot less exciting. I was hoping more for new hip not new method of marriage. But hey, this isn't a choose your own adventure book, now is it? I was never any good with those books. I would always read all the pages straight through so I knew the "good" option to pick. Sadly, I can't do that in real life, now can I? If you think you can decide, turn to page 12. Otherwise, turn to page 42.

You chose page 12. Idiot, Spent the day at my sister's apartment. I feel sad for her living in an apartment with four people. It's her, my BIL, their daughter, and then the free loader. I don't want to get into it now, but that person needs to go. They're causing strife and are annoying as fuck. To say something to your sister, turn to page 118. To stew silently, turn to page 98.

Welcome to page 98. Sis and I went to the store. She had a small seizure while at the store, but I was prepped first of what to do. Handled it with no problem. We mostly sat around and talked all day. We made jewelry. I made B a necklace because of course I did. Why wouldn't I? It's who I am. You know it, I know it, let it go. If you look up doormat, lackey, flunky, sucker, fool in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of me. Turn to page 24 to continue the story. Oops your ship has crashed against the rocks, you're dead.

Made dinner for everyone because my sister crapped out around 3. I setup a full own street taco bar and made an elote salad. I also made cookies for dessert. Turn to page 82 to end this adventure.

This is page 82. Welcome to the afterlife. It's pretty poorly scored. Sorry. 

Y13 D365

The end of an era. I had hoped that this year was going to end boring and dull. HA. What a fool I am.

I am in a conflicted state of mind today. I am here so yay? My sister is worse off than she has let on so that makes me very sad. We talked a lot last night and I learned a few things about her condition, the severity of it, etc. While we were at dinner she started having these mini seizures and I started to freak out but my BIL was like, we just have to ride it out. After dinner I went over to their place and she shared with me just how bad it's getting. Last night apparently was a good night. That's scary. It makes me glad I made this trip and am here for her. 

On the homefront, B is having brunch with her crush on saturday. It was supposed to be a group thing but turned into a solo. This is why the anxiety is flooding me this morning. Good times. I don't expect them to act on anything, but I am still hurting. At some point I need a good cry. I just do. WHY IS MY LIFE SO FUCKED UP? Why couldn't I have just had a normal boring life? JFC I am losing it right now. I was doing fine and now I am a mess. Fuck.

What a great fucking way to end the year. Good fucking times.

Y13 D364

I am up an hour earlier than I wanted thanks to my phone. I got a possible weather alert for my flight and that woke me up and so I had to check and by the time I was done, I was fucking awake. 

My therapist likes to remind me that there's no such thing as good weeks or bad weeks. Because not every day was good or bad. Same thing at the day level. The whole day wasn't either good or bad and most of it was probably uneventful. This is a fair and healthy way to look at things and I appreciate it. Right now though? I am looking at good and bad HOURS. Yesterday is a prime example of that. I had a good set of hours with my hair stylist. I had some bad hours with being alone. Good hours eating dinner. Bad hours of talking about dating sites with my spouse. I am getting advice on all sides. It's all wanted and warranted. Between "you two can make it work" to "get the fuck out now", there's nuggets of truth in both. Try to make it work, be ready when it doesn't is the approach I am taking. 

I need these five days out of the house. They will be better for me than they will be for B. They get to be alone and they're going to spend time in their head. Welcome to my last week. I will at least have distractions. A lot of them. Still going to be alone at night of course, but make sure I am too damn tired to have time to think is the plan.

Taking it day by day. All I can do.

How the fuck are we supposed to know if we're in love or if we're in pain?

Y13 D363

Less than 24 hours until I leave! WOO! Only have to be up today for a few hours. I can do this. I can make it through and get some space and distance from things. Both of which are needed right now.

I taught again yesterday from 10-4, had indian food with B, then went to group while their aunt came over to talk. B didn't share much with me about what happened with the talk, but I guess that's okay? I don't know. If I dwell on it, the anxiety starts up again so how about I don't dwell on it? Just focus on getting through the day. Priorities.

As for my new group, well that was pretty cool. 20+ people. 15 transwomen, 3 spouses, 2 transman, 2 non binary. Age range was from 20 - 70. Okay, 67 but close enough. People at so many different places on their journey. From just starting out to having surgeries scheduled and everything in between. The thing that hit me the most was listening to some of the stories people shared. Another new group member was telling about how their spouse called all of the family and outed them without consent, kicked them into the guest room, and won't let the kids near them. Just heartbreaking. At the same time, sitting across from me is a couple married for a decade who are happier than they've ever been. So yeah, it was nice hearing real world issues from real adults. My last group was okay but everyone was so young that I felt like their parent. Here I feel like one of the group. I will definitely be going back.

B and I also discussed that while I am gone we will both be writing down our boundaries. We will be putting down why the boundary is important, what it means to us, and when it should be revisited. We will then take that and compare our lists when I get back. We will take it from there.

I won't lie - there's a small part of me hoping there's a huge COVID spike in the next few weeks that makes all this moot as we have to shut back down and hide back in the house. I know that's a fucked up selfish thing to say, but it's the truth. Another pandemic would be awesome for me right now. Yep. That's me.

Hey, remember when this blog was boring? Now look at us go! Back to drama, excitement, and tales of horror! Good fucking times.

Someone must have wished for me to live in interesting times, eh?

Y13 D362

In three days this chapter in my life ends. On Saturday I will be starting a new number system. It just feels right to do so.

Yesterday was a mixed bag. A lot of ups and down in anxiety level, but manageable. The night was better though. We prioritized spending time with each other. Went to the store to make sure B has food in the house while I am gone and then we spent 2+ hours on the couch cuddling and catching up on TV. That helped a lot. Showed that I am not being pushed away or made to feel secondary. You know, the relationship trauma aspect. That's where most of my concern comes in. Feeling like I am being abandoned. B also invited me to join her and her new friend group on June 3rd to go to the club. Again, feels good to be included in plans and made part of the group. Not sitting at home being the only one who is taking care of everything while my partner is out until 3am doesn't cut it. Inclusion will be key to the success of this endeavor.

Did some laundry, we had taco bell for dinner because being lazy. I taught from 10:30 until 5 which helped fill the day. Again, it's the sitting here alone in the dark part of the day that makes things hard. The demons use the shadows to creep in when I am not careful. The light shines in the darkness but the darkness will never understand it. 

Two days and I get out of town and put some distance between me and all this. I will have people to distract me from everything and have plans for every day I am there. Won't have time to think except at night. Ah the nights. Fun times.

Today I teach again, then going to a group meeting, and b's aunt is coming over for a chat. Curious to see how that goes.

Y13 D361

I'm still here.  Broken, bruised, forgotten, sore, too fucked up to care any more, but still here. Yesterday during the day really was of no significance. Other than me spending it in my head and going crazy, not much happened during the day. I spent the day going through the basement and cleaning out all the old clothes we've had sitting in bins for years. Things you swear you'll fit into once you've lost weight or just can't seem to bear to part with for whatever stupid reason. I started with 20 bins. I completely emptied 8. Almost cut the amount in half. That kept me busy for a good portion of the day. Unfortunately not enough of the day. 

I played a little video game, but couldn't focus. Watched some tv, but couldn't focus. B finally got home around 9:30 and it was a tornado of unpacking, getting settled, etc. But the vibe itself was off.

Beware the groove!

Yeah, like that. No talking about anything. We just talked about our weekend. We went to bed together around 11. They were exhausted and fell right asleep. I on the other hand, laid awake until about 12:30. It's the anxiety. It's already cropped up this morning. It's the butterflies in my stomach even when nothing is going on. I need to take deep breaths and just move forward. I teach today by the way. I know right? Today and tomorrow. 11-5. Just focus on that. Honestly the next three days will be busy as fuck. 

B has planned another camping trip in June. I took advantage of that yesterday and arranged my first hookup. That's right. I joined a couple of sites yesterday. Put my shit out there. Got a bite. If I do this right, I will be the first one to explore these strange new worlds which might help the anxiety somewhat. Maybe.

I just need to know I'm not being abandoned again. I just need to know the end of the road isn't alone again. Talked with my new friend a bit yesterday. The one who has been living this life for a while. I think they're going to provide a good source of reassurance to me that this can work. Maybe. But for now, let's just get through the next three days, okay? That's all I need to do.

Y13 D360

Another 24 hours have passed. I am taking life in 24 hour chunks again. Welcome to 2009. Please return your seat to its full upright position. You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today. But that probably won't happen. 

I did have a very interesting encounter yesterday. I think I just made a new local friend who is in a similar situation to me and B. So I decided to go to a local store to look at toys and to get out of the house. When I went in I started talking to the person working there explaining what I was looking for. As we were talking I said something about how men suck and they said tell me I have a husband and boyfriend. Well, I said hey, my spouse and I are going down that path, could I ask you some questions. After a few minutes of talking we found we vibed and I straight up said " do you want to be my friend?" They said yes I do! So we exchanged info. The funny part is they were just like B and like 5 years ago decided to cut off their 20+ inch hair, side buzz it, get tattoos, etc. They are a non-binary AFAB who was raised as a boy and they have a husband, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, their husband has a boyfriend and a girlfriend. They have two kids together and they have been married for like 10 plus years and they've been living this arrangement for the last four. The whole similar journey. It evolved to where they are today. So I am going to try and do lunch or dinner with them when I get back. The more points of view, the more insight, the more of seeing what works and doesn't work will help me decide if this is the life I want.

I did get out of the house last night. Had dinner with my friend. We talked about everything going on and she was the third person, no wait, fourth, to straight up tell me that of anyone she knows, we would be the kind of people to make this work. While it's reassuring, it doesn't change the anxiety or fake conversations going on in my brain. It is still nice to hear. They're also the third woman to tell me that if B ruins this, they're an idiot. They've been given everything and better realize how lucky they have it. Everyone of these women straight up said they would trade places with B in a heartbeat. So yeah.

There's nothing left after a nuclear attack kids. Don't fuck up.

Got a new video game, Old World. Civ type game. I actually really enjoyed it. Played for about 3 hours. Pretty cool.

Yes, I do keep going back to boom baby boom. It's the only fucking way I can keep my sanity. I have to know there's an exit. I will not end up Patrick Bateman ever again. I can handle being Tyler. I can watch the world burn. But I can not wear the mask of sanity. I must embrace the other. The best part about hitting rock bottom is when you've lost everything you're finally free to do anything. This isn't a goddamn weekend retreat. Embrace it. Follow Alice down the fucking rabbit hole.

Welcome to 2010.

Life is a cyclical mess. Do you see this? Do you see how rapidly my brain is spinning? From one end of the string to the other and the string is pulled pretty fucking tight right now. I need to calm down. I need a shower. I need a gun. I need some food. I need drugs. 

Welcome to my life. Now my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything. All the pictures have all been washed in black. Tattooed everything. All the love gone bad turned my world to black. Tattooed all I see. All that I am, all that I'll be.

What? Not dark enough for you? Not sure how I am feeling? Not sure where the dark places are? Fine how about this??

I DON'T NEED NO ARMS AROUND ME. AND I DON'T NEED NO DRUGS TO CALM ME. I HAVE SEEN THE WRITING ON THE WALL. DON'T THINK I NEED ANYTHING AT ALL.

No. I don't think I'll need anything at all.

All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.

All in all, YOU were all just bricks in the wall.

Goodbye cruel world

I'm leaving you today

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye all you people

There's nothing you can say

To make me change my mind

Goodbye.

Y13 D359 - Feelings

You're a head case with a smile
Can't stop to make up your mind
Education is so lame (It's so lame)
When you bitch and you moan
You're a loose girl, I'm a guy (Hey)
You're a truth freak with a lie
The situation is so strange
It's a TV show (Click)
In a hotel on the phone
You're gonna leave me, I should've known (Should've known)
And I was thinking, it's so sad
I didn't want you to go, oh
You want to follow the laws of man? (Yes sir)
Bloody apron, leg of lamb
It's so hard to win
When there's so much to lose
Infiltrate the walls that are caving in
It ain't a bad thing
This ain't reality
Infiltrate the walls that are caving in
It ain't a bad thing
Think of it as natural (Ah)
Second Avenue, raising Cain
I'm a sinner, ring my bell (Ring mine)
I'll tell you what, I'd get up
If I knew I had fell

Y13 D359

Holy motherfucking forkballs. What a ride the last 24 hours has been. So many discussions, decisions, changes, adventures.

Let me just say real quick - my plans for last night changed thanks to fucking COVID. Couldn't have my scrabble dinner date. So instead I went out to the club with our friend. I haven't stepped foot in a club in over 5 years. What an adventure that was. Funny thing, it was an easy skin to put back on. Getting to the bar, ordering a drink, navigating a crowd - all like getting back on a very dangerous bicycle. More importantly though, I went as my true authentic self. What does that mean? Sit back and buckle up kids.

Let's start by getting one thing perfectly clear. I AM A TRANSGENDER WOMAN. That's that. My body doesn't match my brain and it hasn't since I was 12 years old. No more beating around the bush, no more innuendo. There it is in plain black and white. But it doesn't change who I am. I still have an entire lifetime of being me. Still listen to the same music. I still have the same snark. I still have the same mind. I will just have a body that aligns to it. No, I am not planning any surgeries. I don't feel the need to remove things or add things. I just want to feel I can dress and appear the way my brain says I should. Now having said that, why is it important I am bringing it up? You shall see.

I finally got to see my therapist after a rough fucking week. Two hour session where I went over EVERYTHING that has happened. I scared her at one point. I started describing what I call the "nuclear option". If things go sideways even in the slightest on this bold new adventure, I will kill to protect what I believe in. Do not doubt me. I will burn and salt the very earth. I will cause pain and suffering reserved for the afterlife. She saw the truth in my eyes when I shared that and it made her flinch a bit. I can be cruel. I will dredge up every fucking thing that has happened to me since birth and channel the rage of a 1000 seas. Do. Not. Fuck. With. Me.

After therapy I came home and talked everything through with B. We talked about my abandonment issues. My relationship trauma. Why boundaries aren't just arbitrary but have some meaning behind them. We talked and talked and talked. One of the big things we talked about was I made a decision during therapy that I want to start HRT. As B's revelation to me about wanting sex with others wasn't a big shock to me, this wasn't a big shock to them. I have submitted a new patient request form to the doctor recommended by my therapist. I am hoping to hear back early next week. HUGE fucking step. Big life changes. Big scary life changes. But good ones. Would you rather have the pain of growth or the pain of never growing?

We also confirmed that NOTHING is to happen for either one until June. Just get through the next few days. It didn't squelch the anxiety I felt waking up alone this morning though. B is at the cabin (a planned trip) with a friend (non-sexual) and they left around 5pm. Going to the club distracted me, but waking up this morning to an empty bed stung. It just did. This is one of the boundaries. No overnight stays. No walks of shame to flaunt where the other has been. This has GOT to be respected. If it isn't. Boom baby boom. 

So that's where we're at. I am trying to make sure I am not feeling left behind. Made another new friend off Bumble and am planning a dinner. Went out last night. Going out tonight with a different friend for dinner. That's also important for me. I CANNOT feel like I am being left out. I can't feel like this is growth only for them. So I am trying to be more proactive. I made plans for June for going to another club with the friend I went with last night. But the difference this time I will be looking. I will be assessing my options. Scary but it's got to be this way. Plus we both agree that we will carve out time for us. WE are the priority. External is just that. Again, boundaries. Sigh. What a long strange trip it's been...

Have some things around the house that need doing today. Pitter patter, let's get at 'er.

Y13 D358 - Bonus Post

I had a dream, this one I feel the need to mention
I was happy for 'awhile' and I stopped being scared
And ashamed to say what's on my mind
But you thought I'd change after 'awhile'
And said, "You better treat me different, or else!"
"Or else" seems like a stupid, fucking thing to say
To someone like me, someone like me?
Wow, wow, wow
Wow, wow, wow, wow
Wow, wow, wow
Don't be surprised I can look you in the eye
But it's hard to take you serious when you take me inside
Don't be surprised I can look you in the eye
But it's hard to take you serious when you take me inside
I'm worse than what you think you'd catch from me
'Complicated's' understated
Did you stop and take a look at who you fell in love with?
At who you fell in love with?
It doesn't matter how many times I say it
It never gets old, that's why I have to say
Wow, wow, wow
Wow, wow, wow, wow
Wow, wow, wow
Don't be surprised I can look you in the eye
But it's hard to take you serious when you take me inside
Don't be surprised I can look you in the eye
But it's hard to take you serious when you take me inside
It doesn't matter if you're going to come or just going
I never wanted you to come here anyway
There's a word that's like you, because it can be a noun
A verb, an exclamation, or the thing I say
When something is unbelievable
When I'm not able to believe, how unbelievably unbelievable
That you believe you could not be leaveable
That's when I have to say
Wow, wow, wow
Wow, wow, wow, wow
Wow, wow, wow, wow
Don't be surprised I can look you in the eye
But it's hard to take you serious when you take me inside
Don't be surprised I can look you in the eye
But it's hard to take you serious when you take me inside
It doesn't matter how many times I say it
It never gets old, that's why I have to say
WOW

Y13 D358

One week. One week and it will be a new year. Again the irony of the timing of all that is happening to me is not lost. It just shows how cosmically fucked up the universe can be. What you thought we were going to let you be happy? Ha. Stupid human. Here, take this slap in the face.

One week and I will be out of this house for a break. Also ironic.

So yesterday was more fucking talking. And solidifying these things are really happening. That this is what life is going to be like moving forward. That my partner and I will not be having sex and that we will be having sexual relations outside of our marriage. We started discussing more boundaries and what not. The more we talk and the more tangible it becomes, the more my stomach ties in knots, my head hurts, and I get scared. Very scared. One thing I keep trying to remind myself is that this isn't about humiliation or failure. It's not. Neither of us wants to rub the other's face in what we do. Neither of us wants to limit or stop the other from having outside relations. But it still hurts. It still feels like a slap. But why? It's not like we have had a good sex life. If we had then this would be more shocking. We haven't. So fix it. But here's the thing gentle reader that most of you don't get probably. BOTH of us have changed our physical appearance over the last few years. I look more and more female. I wear more feminine clothes. I have long blonde hair. They have cut their hair short. They wear more flannels and binders. They are stoned most of the time. They burp and scratch themselves like a teenage boy. No wonder we're not attracted to the other. No wonder we can't find any sexual spark between us. We're not looking at the same person from 10 years ago. At least not physically. Under the outer is the same person. The person whose emotions, pains, joys, ideals that we fell in love with, those are still there. And that's what is keeping us together.

Don't get me wrong, there's still a BIG part of me that wants to say get the fuck out of MY house. Leave MY car in the garage. No you don't get MY furniture. I have contributed 99% of everything to this relationship for 10 years. You don't get to walk out the door with a bonus prize. Take your sexual needs and go. I really do. But I can't. Why? Because I am so afraid of being alone, being unloved, that I would rather go into this mess than face that.

There it is.

I finally get to talk to my therapist. B is gone for 2 days. I have a friend date tonight. Just going to try and keep calm for the next 72 hours. Maybe I won't go insane or jump off a bridge. Maybe.

Y13 D357

A lot has transpired in the last 24 hours and I am still trying to make sense of it all. We had any discussions yesterday. The bottom line is that my spouse doesn't find me attractive physically, nor any man to be fair. They are looking for that trans masc butch lesbian. Even if I had the right body parts, my style, my energy, my presence aren't what they want. Okay. I get it to be honest. The simple truth of it is we have never been fully physically compatible. In my entire life I have never had a partner or companion with whom I have bonded so emotionally with at such a deep level. But sexually we never have gelled right. We've made it work but it's always felt off. So I get it. I really do. But what does that mean for our relationship? After much discussion and truth sharing, it means for now we're going to stay together, see where this path leads us and try to walk it hand in hand. We started discussing boundaries and logistics of an open relationship. For both of us. What does that mean? Who are we getting involved in? Are we prioritizing each other first over some outside person? It's a lot of questions with no answers until it happens. One thing we both agree on right now is that neither of us wants to lose the other. We just don't. But we have needs that have to be met. As long as it's done in a way that makes us both still feel loved and safe, let's see where the road goes. For example, right now, it's about hookups and experimenting. No relationships outside of ours. No commitments outside of ours. But want to have sex with someone you met at the club or a hotel? Go for it. But also, keep it to yourself. This isn't about shaming or making the other feel inadequate. It's like being out without the other and realizing you need food. Have your food and come home. Don't brag about the food. Don't take pictures of the food. Eat it and come home. Remember, this is about both of us. This isn't a one way street. I too can have a meal when I am not at home. Because I too have physical needs that have to be met. We're trying to minimize the emotional portion of this. Keep it logical. Compartmentalize sex over intimacy. The talks we had last night were intimate. They were deep. They weren't a quickie in a bar bathroom. It's two different things. How is it going to work in practice? Neither of us knows. We just don't. Emotionally we have to see when the first time happens. When this becomes a reality versus a discussion. Who will be first? Probably B. I learned who their crush is and what the catalyst for all this was. They don't plan on acting on this crush, but it's out there in the universe now and that's that.

Wow. That's a lot to process and type. Do I find it ironic that this is all happening 13 fucking years to the date of when I moved out from X2? Of course I do. But haven't I said in these last 13 years that relationships aren't forever? Haven't I said that if you get 10 good years with someone, enjoy those 10 years? Well here we are. How long can we survive under these new changes? I don't know. I really don't. But we will take it one day at a time.

Did a webinar yesterday while all this was going on. Yeah, that was fun. Scored a 9.3/10 on the evals. Okay. I can handle that. Two sales leads. Okay. Hard putting a smile on my face, but I did it. 

I just need to get through the next few days. That's all.

Y13 D356

There's no easy way to discuss this, so fuck it. On Monday my wife told me they are questioning their sexuality and may be in fact a lesbian. Wonder-fucking-ful. What does that mean? I don't know. I don't know anything right now. I am trying to just survive. Pretend to be upbeat and positive for work. Try to get through the next week to go out of town. Just. I don't know. The sad thing is I'm not all that shocked. Kind of saw this coming to be honest. It's just so annoying. 

Taught all day. Made pasta for dinner. Watched Discovery. Went to bed. Yep. I may have made a new friend off bumble finally. We are meeting up on Friday to play Scrabble. At least one positive thing has happened this week so far. Oh and my new phone comes today. Two positive things. Joy.

Y13 D355

 Having some mental issues this morning. B hit me with some news last night that I am still processing and don't want to discuss right now. Once I have processed it more I will elaborate. 

Did a test webinar with the whore masters. Worked on docs. Ate leftovers. Watched TV. Went to bed. My life in a nutshell.

Y13 D354

 I am getting so tired of waking up to emails sent at 10pm on Sundays. It's just rude. You can schedule emails people. At least have the decency to schedule them to go out at like 8am on Monday. It's jarring to wake up to like six emails and only to discover four of them are "informational" in nature. 

Didn't do a whole lot yesterday. Laundry. Lots of laundry. It was pretty nice here until about 4 when it started storming for hours. I liked that too to be honest. So much moisture in the air. Started to plan out my packing for next week. I can't believe after sitting at home for so long I get to travel again so soon. The way it should be. The big difference is this next trip there will be no working, no checking email, no nothing. I will be on a true vacation. Had multiple conversations with my sister and niece to plan out some of the days. As of right now we have planned out a dinner, a club night, shopping trip, a craft day, and that's about it. I will be there four full days so we need to make sure we've got stuff to do. I'm looking forward to this trip.

B's friend was over all day. Their boyfriend is being a real asshole and it wasn't safe for them to be home. I was a little frustrated at having someone else in the house, but I understand the situation and put my annoyance to the side. We had mexican for dinner, dairy queen for dessert. Just trying to show them some normalcy and that the situation they're in isn't healthy or the norm.

Went to bed around 10 and slept moderately well. Have a webinar pre-meeting today followed by some doc writing. Teach tomorrow and then two webinars this week, one on Weds and one on Thurs. It's a busy but not busy kind of week. I have things for like an hour or two at a time surrounded by dead time. But hey, just have to make it 9 days. Then bye bye. 

New phone arrives tomorrow hopefully. As long as it gets here before I leave. Did I mention I ordered a new phone? Mine was going really wonky on this last trip. Rebooting, not holding network, locked up twice. Just pissing me off. I've had the same phone for almost 4 years now which for me is a goddamn record. I ordered a Google Pixel 6 Pro. I am on a 3 XL so yeah. Mine released Oct 2018 and I got it for Xmas that year. Not quite four years, but still a long time for me. Hopefully I will get another 3+ years out of this new one. Scheduled to ship today. I expect it to arrive by Thursday which is still fine. As long as I have it before I leave, all that matters.

Okay, let's start this damn day.

Y13 D353

 I am home. Got home early, around 11:40. My travel day yesterday, while long, was much better than my travel on Thursday. But first, let's start with Friday.

Got up, went to breakfast, then worked from the hotel room. Did an internal webinar and worked on the prep for that. The kid showed up around 3:30. We had Ethiopian food for dinner that I had pre-ordered to arrive just in time. We then took a Lyft over to the concert. Got there around 6:30. Got our merch, then took our seats. I have to go through pics still, and will do so today. The opening act was awful. It was one guy, a friend of the band's basically, who just didn't need to be a front man. He was so out of his element. Around 9, PJ took the stage. 2+ hours and 26 songs later they left. We walked over to a Denny's around the corner and called a Lyft. Got back to the hotel around 1am.

Up at 5, breakfast, then the kid dropped me off at the airport. Sat in the lounge until time to board. No issues. Got to SLC and sat in the lounge. SLC for the record is one of the nicest cleanest airports I have ever been to. Just amazed at how nice it was. Got on my flight home and had more good food.

Driver was on time, got home, unpacked, in bed at 1am.

It was a nice trip. We have a house guest, but more on that tomorrow once I get all the details.

Y13 D352

I will do a better recap of Friday when I get home. For now it's enough to say I had a blast at the show, enjoyed seeing the kid, lost the poster I bought, and have had only four hours sleep. B also had some drama and didn't get home until AFTER I GOT BACK TO THE HOTEL. Crazy. The kid has to head back early so I am going to spend most of the day sitting at the airport as my flight doesn't board until 1pm. It's all good. I get home around midnight EDT tonight. It's going to be a long day.

Y13 D351

 Ah, to wake up and not have to do a fucking thing with poo or pee. Glorious. Not having to worry about turning on lights. Not worrying there's an animal I am going to trip over or step on. No dishes. No laundry. No nothing. I have to work today from the hotel room, but oh what a fair and simple trade off. I have no problems with that kids, none at all.

So yesterday was my first flight with Delta. If I am being honest, if it wasn't for the words "thank you for flying with delta" and the logo difference, meh, it was the same as American. For real. The seat on my first flight was newer and comfier than an aa seat. The boarding process was roughly the same. The overhead the same. The food wasn't as good. But that's my only real complaint on my first flight. The second flight was a clusterfuck. It was a hopper so a "serviced by" like the way aa uses other carriers for its american eagle flights. This was a somebody else plane and crew. My biggest issue was LAX and how they shove these flights out of the same gate. There were literally five flights all going out of the same gate 10 minutes apart making the gate area a nightmare. If you've ever taken an alaska flight out of the back end of PDX, similar thing. Too many people in too small an area. We were delayed over an hour which meant confusion all around as to which flight was actually boarding. Once boarded, it was a tiny plane with limited service. Just not a good time. I did use the SkyClub in LA and again, change the logo, same shit. Got to oakland and it was dead. Like dead dead. There was no one waiting in security. At noon. That's just kind of creepy. 

Took a shuttle to the hotel, took a nap, had dinner, and watched a lot of tv. I started ST:Discovery and wow, I like this show. I hear season 2 is meh, but 3 & 4 are good. Okay. I will watch it and give it a fair shake. Confirmed details for today with the kid, went to bed around 10pm. 

Today I am headed to breakfast shortly, then doing some work and bills from the room. The kid should arrive around 5, we will take a lyft to the concert, then head back here. Excited mostly to see the kid than I am the concert. Not going to lie. The thought of all these people and getting over there and seats, ugh. My first concert since Nov 2019. This should be interesting.

Y13 D350

 YES! TRAVEL DAY!! SEE YA BITCHES!

Y13 D349

I am out of here in 22 hours. I will sleep for 5-6 of those so really I just have to kill 17 hours and I. Am. Gone. Not as exciting as the five days I will be gone at the end of the month, but this is the first time I will be more than a short distance away and my first flight in almost six months. Get me the fuck out of here. Never looked forward to being at an airport as much as I am right now. How fucking sad is that? But man, I need out of this house. I get three days where I don't have to deal with pee, poop, screaming cats, look at the same four walls, or have any real obligations except to myself. Bless.

Cranked out new material yesterday. Mostly because I wanted today to be stress free. I have to copy some files over, make sure I have everything I need for a webinar from the hotel on Friday, but otherwise today is a purposely light day. Just chill and double check I am packed. Have to check in for flight shortly, hotel later, and that's that.

And yeah, I am excited to see pearl jam and more importantly the kid, but it's about getting away. Away. What a wonderful word.

Y13 D348

45 hours until I leave. Oh, so close. I can taste it. No pet duty, no dishes, no cleaning up piss and poo. Three days of no responsibilities. I am so on edge just trying to make it through. 

Had multiple meetings yesterday. Seems our first attempt with this new material didn't go over well. BUT it wasn't the material or the instructor's fault. No one told us they would be taking a different set of material the week before which was an 80% overlap of the same material. Oops. Where the instructor did fail is by not stopping the class and instead trying to power through. I would have stopped. Better to take the honest hit than deal with the aftermath. Oh well.

It's finally getting nicer here. I was able to wear lighter clothing for the first time in forever. Today is up to 80!! Very happy about that. I have docs to write all day but otherwise no pressure. Just have to survive 45 hours. 

Y13 D347

Three days. Three fucking days. I can make it. I *HAVE* to make it. For the love of my sanity, I must make it. Most people would not be looking forward to airports, travel, etc. I am YEARNING for it. So close. So goddamn close. Hotel room. NO ANIMALS. No nothing. Two nights and a full day away. I can taste it.

Y13 D346

 Had a nice day yesterday. Got my lashes done, spent the rest of the day hanging in the house, spent some time out in the backyard as it was moderately nice finally, made steaks with a spanish potato pie for dinner, and went to bed. Nothing exciting, nothing horrible. I tried to ignore the outside world as much as possible. Let the angry white people all kill each other. I will stay inside where it's just me and the animals. B got back from the cabin around 10, was exhausted, and pretty much went right to bed. I went to bed around that same time too. Slept mostly okay. Had a couple of bad dreams but overall, got some decent sleep. Only a few more days until I get to go out of town!! I'm already packed as you would expect me to be. Just got to make it four more days. I can do it.

Y13 D345

You ever watch a movie that is supposed to be 'classic' or 'important' to watch, or worse, one you watched as a child that had you fascinated, only to watch it today and be like 'wow, what a piece of garbage!'. That was me last night. 2 hours and 20 minutes of my life most spent saying wtf to myself. I watched The Man Who Fell to Earth with David Bowie from 1976. Why? Because they've done a new show based on the same book and theme. It's supposed to have references to the original movie and I decided I would refresh my brain as I hadn't watched that since I was a kid. Wow. Just awful. The script makes no sense. It jumps all over. There are characters that I still don't know who they were or why they existed. I know why I like it as a kid - the nudity. Boobs everywhere. But man it is an awful movie with no point, no exposition, no real story, no flow. You don't ever really understand what's happened to him, the timeline, it's supposed to be many years in the movie, but nothing else changes (cars, technology, buildings, etc) only the side characters get older. Just no. Here's hoping the new show doesn't suffer from the same problems. 

Worked on a webinar yesterday, answered a few emails, had therapy. B is up at the cabin and I had the house to myself. Did laundry. Made mushroom chicken for dinner. Not much else going on.

Today is lash day. Not sure when B will be home and not making and real plans. Just going with the flow.

Y13 D344

 Three weeks until a new year starts. Wow.

Well, I'm a blonde. I am still very much getting used to the color, but damn if I don't LOVE the cut. Very 70s surfer vibe. I feel like I had this hair in the 80s. Feather, layered, and looking like I just rolled off the beach. Much success.

My appointment went from 8:45 until 10:30, then came home, worked on more docs, attended a webinar as an observer, and helped out with some stuff. The day actually kind of flew by and then next thing I knew it was 4:30. 

Had leftovers for dinner. B went to a 10:30 movie with friends. I was invited but because I have a job and things to do on a friday, I could not join. For once I am kind of sad as I am looking forward to this movie. They went to Dr. Strange and it's one of the few new Marvel movies I have an interest in. Oh well. B got home at like 1 something, so yeah, that wouldn't have worked for me. No biggie. I do get the house to myself tonight and most of tomorrow as they are going up north with Grandpa to work on the cabin and get it ready for summer. I have a lash appointment tomorrow but otherwise, no plans for me for the weekend. Just making it until Thursday when I get to leave town and see Pearl Jam! Oh and the kid. I *guess* I am looking forward to that too. Heh.

Oh, you wanted to see my hair? Fine. I guess I can share...

What a hippie. Who would hire this nutjob? And then give them gift cards and praise. Sheesh. What a world we live in.

Y13 D343

 Insufficient sleep detected. Please reset. Is it the weekend yet? Can I sleep in past 5am? Crazy talk.

More docs. Leftovers for dinner. Bleached my hair for today. New hair day. Very excited. I've seen the piece in advance. I am going to look interesting. No other word for it.

Didn't get into bed until 11 because B needed help with new tattoo. It will be really cool when it's done. They did black only yesterday. When it's done I will post a pic. Imagine Lisa Frank meets X-Files. All I'm gonna say about it for now.

Got to leave in 2.5 hours. Pics tomorrow of my head.

Y13 D342

Slept better. It rained all day yesterday which changed the air pressure again. But this time in my favor. If B would let me, I would sleep with all the windows open on nights like that. Alas, it is not to be. Didn't do jack shit yesterday as expected. And to make me feel even more guilty, I got a card in the mail from the marketing VP with $75 in amazon gift cards. Son of a bitch. Now I will actually put some effort into things today. Just for them.

Tomorrow is new hair. Bleaching mine out tonight to prep for it. Save me from having to do it tomorrow morning.

Had tacos for dinner. Watched some tv. Played some games. Rinse and repeat.

Y13 D341

 I slept poorly last night. Weather changes. Pressure changes. I can feel it. It's supposed to rain all day today and I can feel it building in the air. Even with the humidifier on it was a rough night. I did nothing of any significance yesterday. Seriously. Worked on some demos for an upcoming presentation, read a lot. Yawn.

Made ribs. 12 hours at 165. Was happy with that. After dinner we WENT OUTSIDE. Look at us go. We went on a nature trail walk with the dog. That was actually pretty enjoyable. Came back, had some dessert, went to bed.

Same agenda for today. I am thinking about going to game night tonight. Let's see how I feel around 6pm.

Y13 D340

 25 days until this 'year' is over. Amazing.

So starts another week. Busy one from some perspectives, not so much from other. I have new hair on Thursday. Looking forward to that. Workwise not a whole hell of a lot going on this week. I am 2 weeks away from going out of town. Just kind of a limbo moment. 

Had a productive day yesterday. Mostly in the kitchen, but I won't lie, I enjoyed it. B's friend came over and hung out (another one of those let's meet for breakfast and they show up at 1 situations, but that's not my concern). I cooked for both of them all day. "Breakfast", dinner, and dessert. For dessert I learned how to make a middle eastern crumpet type of thing. Very impressed with myself at how good they turned out. For dinner I did coconut chicken. Like I said, it was a cooking day and there's nothing wrong with that.

In the between time I worked on my office. I moved everything back to the way it was. I am much happier. Don't feel trapped or claustrophobic any more. I can stretch and roll without hitting a wall. Plus it feels warmer not being right up against a wall. I am just going to get a backdrop for work when the time is right. Plain and simple. It was a lot of work rearranging, but it kept me busy and the end result was worth it.

Doing ribs tonight and need to go start them in about 15 minutes. 12 hours at 165. I prepped them last night thankfully. I just need to drop them in their bath. Going to try and go to game night this week. Let's see how that goes.

Y13 D339

Got me the GOOD sleeping last night. I went to bed around 11, woke up at 4, but managed to fall back until 6:45. Yay me! I was up super early yesterday and needed it. Ironically, B got in bed 30 minutes before I got up yesterday. They went to bed a little cranky and I don't blame them. So let's back up first to what happened to them.

They have been trying as I mentioned, to solidify the new friendship. Which means agreeing to things that are slightly outside their comfort zone. I get that. We want to make new friends so we do things we don't normally do. Understandable. Well, the original communication was "let's meet up at 9" as I explained yesterday. I also mentioned they didn't get to their destination until 11:30. The follow up to that is they were only there a short time before one person wants food, another wants something else, etc, etc. Plus B was at the mercy of another driver which I hate too. If I want to go, I want to be able to go. I do feel for them, but their choices.

Me, I got up at 4, ready to leave here at 6:20, got gas. I arrived at about 6:40 at the same parking lot as before but this time there were TWO cars in it, not 200. The person I was meeting? TWO minutes later pulls in next to me. YES! That's what I respect. We spent about 2 hours walking around. I will say that this time I went a little too early as not everyone was setup and ready, but what a difference in the crowd. So much more relaxed and calm. I could tell as we were leaving that things were pretty setup. End result, the sweet spot for arrival is about 8:30-9, out of there by 11. I am very pleased with myself for doing this experiment and determining this. Now I can go with confidence any time in the future and know what to expect. Good for me. 

So what did I get? All sorts of stuff. Bread, cheese, meat, a plant, produce, mushrooms, jerky, and perogies. Yep. I scored. I came home and made mushroom soup. Took a nap. Played video games. B had to go to her grandparent's because all the grandkids were coming over for the day. I got out of that thank you. We had a quiet relaxing evening. Had meat and cheese plates from what I got at the market. 

No plans for today. I may rearrange my office back. But that's about it.