I am up an hour earlier than I wanted thanks to my phone. I got a possible weather alert for my flight and that woke me up and so I had to check and by the time I was done, I was fucking awake.
My therapist likes to remind me that there's no such thing as good weeks or bad weeks. Because not every day was good or bad. Same thing at the day level. The whole day wasn't either good or bad and most of it was probably uneventful. This is a fair and healthy way to look at things and I appreciate it. Right now though? I am looking at good and bad HOURS. Yesterday is a prime example of that. I had a good set of hours with my hair stylist. I had some bad hours with being alone. Good hours eating dinner. Bad hours of talking about dating sites with my spouse. I am getting advice on all sides. It's all wanted and warranted. Between "you two can make it work" to "get the fuck out now", there's nuggets of truth in both. Try to make it work, be ready when it doesn't is the approach I am taking.
I need these five days out of the house. They will be better for me than they will be for B. They get to be alone and they're going to spend time in their head. Welcome to my last week. I will at least have distractions. A lot of them. Still going to be alone at night of course, but make sure I am too damn tired to have time to think is the plan.
Taking it day by day. All I can do.
How the fuck are we supposed to know if we're in love or if we're in pain?
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