Well it's time to go home and face the music. When I get home this all becomes real real. At least when I was on the road it was all this thing in the background. This is both good and bad. Bad because I have to face the reality of an ENM marriage to a gay woman while starting a transition. Wow. That's a heavy sentence. Good that I can stop having fake conversations in my head and deal with the real things as they come. So good and bad. Anxiety is at an 11. Not good for flying but it is what it is.
I spent the day with my sister. That was nice. She had a couple of seizures while I was there and I can see how this is not going to get any better. She's going to really have a bad one next and I will be back here to see her bedridden and a husk. I am glad I got to spend this time with her now. It was one of the best things I have done in recent years. At least we will all go to our deathbeds knowing how much we love each other. Small victory.
As for the home front, fuck I am scared. I wish I were still traveling regularly. At least then it would be a bit easier. Have dates and fun while I am gone, be there when I am home. We would each have an easier time of it. Maybe, maybe, in the future I will start traveling again and this will be the case. One can hope.
At 4:45pm EST I will be home and we shall see what my life has become. We are to discuss the boundaries document tonight. Step 1.
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