ANA Y1 D3

Yesterday was an awful day. I spent all day in my hotel with Dirt running through my head. One who doesn't care is one who shouldn't be. All day. Just spiraling down deeper. But that's okay right? Because losing all hope is freedom, right? Doesn't feel free to me. Feels even worse.

I read articles that make this all sound so easy. Just ignore your feelings of jealousy, abandonment, inadequacy. No problem. Just ignore them all! Yeah, right. The one thing everything I have read about this type of relationship that is common is "going down this path will bring every dark secret, insecurity, and repressed trauma to the surface". Yeah no fucking shit. 50 years of relationship abuse. 50 years of being alone. 50 years of never being good enough. Here it is in all it's fucking glory. Last night was a perfect example - B had an old friend reconnect with them recently. They came over to talk about what happened and why they stopped talking. Two months ago I wouldn't have cared. Last night all I did was stress that they were having sex. Even though there's never been any indication that this person was or would be a sexual partner. That's one of my mental issues. They're now having sex with everybody but me don't you know? Tell me you're going out to run errands? In my mind you're stopping somewhere and having sex. Hanging out with a friend you've hung out with a million times before? Well now you're having sex with them. I know it's irrational. But this is what happens when your past experience is nothing but lies, betrayal, and pain. You took an extra twenty minutes to respond to my text. You must not love me anymore and you're somehow having sex. Stupid. Ridiculous. Irrational.

And if I don't get these feelings under control, it will be the end of my marriage and I will be Ross fucking Geller with three ex-wives and nothing to show for it. Good fucking times baby.

So yeah, that's how I spent my day yesterday. It hasn't helped that the weather has been pure shit since I've been here. It was 45 and raining all day. Same today. 

I just want to go home. My home. I don't even care if they're not there. I need the comfort of my four walls. I need to be back in my space to feel like I have the upper hand. What does that even mean? This isn't a war or a battle. See? Going into bad places again. I have a xanax sitting in front of me. I am so tempted to take it. I am trying to save it for when B does go out with someone for the first time for real. It will be the only way I get through it. I know this. In the meantime let the soundtrack keep playing in my head:

I have never felt such frustration or lack of self control I want you to kill me and dig me under, I wanna live no more one who doesn't care is one who shouldn't be I've tried to hide myself from what is wrong for me I want to taste dirty, a stinging pistol in my mouth, on my tongue I want you to scrape me from the walls and go crazy like you've made me one who doesn't care is one who shouldn't be I've tried to hide myself from what is wrong for me for me you, you are so special you have the talent to make me feel like dirt and you, you use your talent to dig me under and cover me with dirt one who doesn't care is one who shouldn't be I've tried to hide myself from what is wrong for me

So much blood for such a tiny little hole. Everything is blue in this world.