Y13 D361

I'm still here.  Broken, bruised, forgotten, sore, too fucked up to care any more, but still here. Yesterday during the day really was of no significance. Other than me spending it in my head and going crazy, not much happened during the day. I spent the day going through the basement and cleaning out all the old clothes we've had sitting in bins for years. Things you swear you'll fit into once you've lost weight or just can't seem to bear to part with for whatever stupid reason. I started with 20 bins. I completely emptied 8. Almost cut the amount in half. That kept me busy for a good portion of the day. Unfortunately not enough of the day. 

I played a little video game, but couldn't focus. Watched some tv, but couldn't focus. B finally got home around 9:30 and it was a tornado of unpacking, getting settled, etc. But the vibe itself was off.

Beware the groove!

Yeah, like that. No talking about anything. We just talked about our weekend. We went to bed together around 11. They were exhausted and fell right asleep. I on the other hand, laid awake until about 12:30. It's the anxiety. It's already cropped up this morning. It's the butterflies in my stomach even when nothing is going on. I need to take deep breaths and just move forward. I teach today by the way. I know right? Today and tomorrow. 11-5. Just focus on that. Honestly the next three days will be busy as fuck. 

B has planned another camping trip in June. I took advantage of that yesterday and arranged my first hookup. That's right. I joined a couple of sites yesterday. Put my shit out there. Got a bite. If I do this right, I will be the first one to explore these strange new worlds which might help the anxiety somewhat. Maybe.

I just need to know I'm not being abandoned again. I just need to know the end of the road isn't alone again. Talked with my new friend a bit yesterday. The one who has been living this life for a while. I think they're going to provide a good source of reassurance to me that this can work. Maybe. But for now, let's just get through the next three days, okay? That's all I need to do.