Y13 D357

A lot has transpired in the last 24 hours and I am still trying to make sense of it all. We had any discussions yesterday. The bottom line is that my spouse doesn't find me attractive physically, nor any man to be fair. They are looking for that trans masc butch lesbian. Even if I had the right body parts, my style, my energy, my presence aren't what they want. Okay. I get it to be honest. The simple truth of it is we have never been fully physically compatible. In my entire life I have never had a partner or companion with whom I have bonded so emotionally with at such a deep level. But sexually we never have gelled right. We've made it work but it's always felt off. So I get it. I really do. But what does that mean for our relationship? After much discussion and truth sharing, it means for now we're going to stay together, see where this path leads us and try to walk it hand in hand. We started discussing boundaries and logistics of an open relationship. For both of us. What does that mean? Who are we getting involved in? Are we prioritizing each other first over some outside person? It's a lot of questions with no answers until it happens. One thing we both agree on right now is that neither of us wants to lose the other. We just don't. But we have needs that have to be met. As long as it's done in a way that makes us both still feel loved and safe, let's see where the road goes. For example, right now, it's about hookups and experimenting. No relationships outside of ours. No commitments outside of ours. But want to have sex with someone you met at the club or a hotel? Go for it. But also, keep it to yourself. This isn't about shaming or making the other feel inadequate. It's like being out without the other and realizing you need food. Have your food and come home. Don't brag about the food. Don't take pictures of the food. Eat it and come home. Remember, this is about both of us. This isn't a one way street. I too can have a meal when I am not at home. Because I too have physical needs that have to be met. We're trying to minimize the emotional portion of this. Keep it logical. Compartmentalize sex over intimacy. The talks we had last night were intimate. They were deep. They weren't a quickie in a bar bathroom. It's two different things. How is it going to work in practice? Neither of us knows. We just don't. Emotionally we have to see when the first time happens. When this becomes a reality versus a discussion. Who will be first? Probably B. I learned who their crush is and what the catalyst for all this was. They don't plan on acting on this crush, but it's out there in the universe now and that's that.

Wow. That's a lot to process and type. Do I find it ironic that this is all happening 13 fucking years to the date of when I moved out from X2? Of course I do. But haven't I said in these last 13 years that relationships aren't forever? Haven't I said that if you get 10 good years with someone, enjoy those 10 years? Well here we are. How long can we survive under these new changes? I don't know. I really don't. But we will take it one day at a time.

Did a webinar yesterday while all this was going on. Yeah, that was fun. Scored a 9.3/10 on the evals. Okay. I can handle that. Two sales leads. Okay. Hard putting a smile on my face, but I did it. 

I just need to get through the next few days. That's all.