Y13 D359

Holy motherfucking forkballs. What a ride the last 24 hours has been. So many discussions, decisions, changes, adventures.

Let me just say real quick - my plans for last night changed thanks to fucking COVID. Couldn't have my scrabble dinner date. So instead I went out to the club with our friend. I haven't stepped foot in a club in over 5 years. What an adventure that was. Funny thing, it was an easy skin to put back on. Getting to the bar, ordering a drink, navigating a crowd - all like getting back on a very dangerous bicycle. More importantly though, I went as my true authentic self. What does that mean? Sit back and buckle up kids.

Let's start by getting one thing perfectly clear. I AM A TRANSGENDER WOMAN. That's that. My body doesn't match my brain and it hasn't since I was 12 years old. No more beating around the bush, no more innuendo. There it is in plain black and white. But it doesn't change who I am. I still have an entire lifetime of being me. Still listen to the same music. I still have the same snark. I still have the same mind. I will just have a body that aligns to it. No, I am not planning any surgeries. I don't feel the need to remove things or add things. I just want to feel I can dress and appear the way my brain says I should. Now having said that, why is it important I am bringing it up? You shall see.

I finally got to see my therapist after a rough fucking week. Two hour session where I went over EVERYTHING that has happened. I scared her at one point. I started describing what I call the "nuclear option". If things go sideways even in the slightest on this bold new adventure, I will kill to protect what I believe in. Do not doubt me. I will burn and salt the very earth. I will cause pain and suffering reserved for the afterlife. She saw the truth in my eyes when I shared that and it made her flinch a bit. I can be cruel. I will dredge up every fucking thing that has happened to me since birth and channel the rage of a 1000 seas. Do. Not. Fuck. With. Me.

After therapy I came home and talked everything through with B. We talked about my abandonment issues. My relationship trauma. Why boundaries aren't just arbitrary but have some meaning behind them. We talked and talked and talked. One of the big things we talked about was I made a decision during therapy that I want to start HRT. As B's revelation to me about wanting sex with others wasn't a big shock to me, this wasn't a big shock to them. I have submitted a new patient request form to the doctor recommended by my therapist. I am hoping to hear back early next week. HUGE fucking step. Big life changes. Big scary life changes. But good ones. Would you rather have the pain of growth or the pain of never growing?

We also confirmed that NOTHING is to happen for either one until June. Just get through the next few days. It didn't squelch the anxiety I felt waking up alone this morning though. B is at the cabin (a planned trip) with a friend (non-sexual) and they left around 5pm. Going to the club distracted me, but waking up this morning to an empty bed stung. It just did. This is one of the boundaries. No overnight stays. No walks of shame to flaunt where the other has been. This has GOT to be respected. If it isn't. Boom baby boom. 

So that's where we're at. I am trying to make sure I am not feeling left behind. Made another new friend off Bumble and am planning a dinner. Went out last night. Going out tonight with a different friend for dinner. That's also important for me. I CANNOT feel like I am being left out. I can't feel like this is growth only for them. So I am trying to be more proactive. I made plans for June for going to another club with the friend I went with last night. But the difference this time I will be looking. I will be assessing my options. Scary but it's got to be this way. Plus we both agree that we will carve out time for us. WE are the priority. External is just that. Again, boundaries. Sigh. What a long strange trip it's been...

Have some things around the house that need doing today. Pitter patter, let's get at 'er.