I am home. My home. My bed. My pets. It feels good to be back here. The anxiety is lessened. Not gone mind you, just lessened. Being able to see B and being able to talk through things helps. My day was pretty uneventful to be honest. Got to the airport way too early, waited for security to open, boarded my flight to Seattle, waited in the lounge for 2 hours, boarded my flight home. However there were some interesting moments. I met someone new on one of the apps. We are going to have a dinner date as soon as our schedules allow. But the most interesting thing was coming across B on one of the apps. And you know what? It didn't bother me. We were chatting online while I was on my flight (yay on board Wi-Fi) and we both saw each other on the app. It was okay. The reason it was okay was because it made it less secret. It felt more like we were sharing this adventure and in it together. That's important. One of my bug issues is abandonment issues. To know we're still in this together. To treat it like an adventure we're both going on at the same time, made it hurt a hell of a lot less. I don't expect everyone to understand that.
When I got off the plane, there B was to greet me. Again, important. I cannot feel like I have been abandoned. Yes, it's a reoccurring topic. I also need to do B the favor of not comparing them to X1. X1 lied, cheated, stole, hid, humiliated, and shamed me. For everything. I have been carrying that trauma around with me for 25 years. It has to stop. I have to stop using their behavior as the baseline for everyone else. Not everyone is out to get me. Not everyone is out to hurt me. We had many good talks last night including going over my boundary document. Not a thing I wrote in there was out of line for B. That made me feel good. Everything from no overnight stays to the rings stay on (one of theirs). We agreed on everything in the document. That's pretty good. We also mapped out the rest of the week on the calendar to make sure we both have time for ourselves and clear time for each other. Again, very important. Our time is marked and special. No one gets to take that away from us. As of right now, we had last night together, Thursday we're both going to dinner with a friend, Friday we're going to the club together, and Saturday we're spending the day together at Pride. Tonight? They're going to bingo with friends, one of whom is the crush. Okay. Go for it. Be home at a reasonable time. Another boundary. Anything after midnight is starting to hit disrespect territory. We also talked about safety and making sure we had a general idea where the other is at all times. So we talked. We have to keep talking for this to work. No lying, no hiding, no cheating. They did express a desire to get a job but not to secret money away. It's because they are frustrated that during the day everyone is busy. I get that. I am busy, their friends are busy, it's hard sitting around the house wanting to talk to people or do things. So might as well work part of the time. We also agreed if they get a job, they will start paying some of their bills. It's unfair that they get to make money and squirrel it away.
Speaking of squirrels, we also worked together on catching one in the laundry room last night. Yeah, that was fun. The dog helped. We didn't get it but we think we hurt it. I am calling the exterminator today to end their reign of terror. Hopefully they can come out quick.
Anyway, I am home. I am nervous and scared still. But I don't feel like I've lost my partner. That's what counts.
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