Well, I now know who my wife is having sex with next Tuesday (or possibly tonight). Three fucking guesses who it is. Why do I know? Because the not knowing was literally worse for me than the knowing. I kept making up all these fake scenarios in my head and told B all this and was like I just need to know so I can put a real face potentially to all this. Did you guess yet? You got it, the fucking crush. Turns out the crush WAS also interested but didn't want to piss me off or ruin anything between me and B. Is this better knowing? Yeah, actually it is. Because honestly now I can disassociate from it. I can just think "B is hanging out with so and so". Not "B is having sex with a stranger". Why possibly tonight and not just Tuesday? Because they are going over there tonight to talk through logistics for Tuesday and I fucking know they're going to get caught up in the moment and next thing you know, lesbian sex. I also had a talk last night that I have been thinking and trying to figure out what it is *I* am getting from this new arrangement. What purpose are they serving by being around? I don't benefit financially. I do benefit mostly emotionally by having someone here, but that emotional benefit is being outweighed by the emotional toll. I am NOT benefiting physically and that's a problem. So I need to process and think why the hell I am even keeping them around. That shut them up for a while. All of sudden their golden ticket might be taken away from them. Let's see what that does to the dynamic.
Taught again. Had mid-course evals. Class is running an 8.5, I am running a 9. I will take that. Better than when my coworker taught it. After class I had talk one with B where I found out about crush. That drained me and I ended up taking a nap. Made dinner after waking up and after dinner had conversation two about how I wasn't really feeling like my benefits were worth it. Like I said, I think they might realize the writing is on the wall. If I don't see any kind of benefit, this shit is over.
We did binge the remaining episodes of Stranger Things we had. I won't spoil anything, but I liked how episode 7 connected some dots. Went to bed around 11 but laid there stressed until 1, so once more 4 hours of sleep max. I woke up twice. Such fun.
Today I teach, then a meeting and THEN, doc appointment. THAT I am excited about. HUGE step forward. Nervous, excited, scared. B is coming with me to the appointment for support. After however they're heading to crush. See how this fucks me up? My big day and they're going to get fucked. Lovely. Back and forth goes the brain, back and forth.
Hour by hour is all I can do.
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